"Hey, It's Not As Bad As The Time That Biker Raped You--Whoops, Did I Let The Cat Out Of The Bag?"
Twas a nice day in Southern Ontario, CA, when Summer decided to be evil. "Hey, I think I'll go get Becca," she said.
So she went up north to wherever Becca lived, and together they walked down to Nebraska to fetch Poli. "Let's go fetch Chica," said Poli.
So the three went south (is it south?) to Kansas and got Chica. "Let's get whore-hay," said Chica, so they went to Miami, FLA. to get Jorge. "Hey, don't forget about Racy A," he said.
So they went to get Arwen up in New York. "Let's go grab Gem," said she, so they hiked over to Chicago to get Gem and all that jazz. "What about Eowynshue?" she asked.
So they hiked back to the east coast, swam the Atlantic, and grabbed Eowynshue from her home in the UK. While they were there they grabbed Draco and Voldemort as well.
"Are we forgetting anyone?" asked Summer.
"Probably," answered Poli, "The writer of this story seems to have a bad memory at times."
"I concur," said Jorge, "If anyone has been forgotten, they can simply write themselves in as the plot progresses."
"Agreed," said Voldemort.
This was followed by about 5 minutes of uncomfortable silence, which was then followed by 55 more minutes of unbearable silence.
"Hey, it's been an hour since anyone's said anything," pointed out Arwen.
"Boy, time flies when you're having fun," stated Chica.
"Well, somebody say something," said Draco, "I'm getting tired."
"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE!" Jorge screamed at him. Jorge then ran off into the horizon.
With that, Manda and Summer began to hug Draco. Draco was not fazed, as he was used to having fan girls smother him with affection. Voldemort, however, felt left out.
"Don't I get a hug?" he hissed. With that, Draco affectionately hugged Voldemort. This lasted a while.
Meanwhile, Jorge came back. "Hiya," he said.
This was then followed by more silence.
"Let's do something evil," suggested Eowynshue.
"I agree," said Gem, "Let's throw an evil party, with a bunch of evil people."
"LIKE DARTH SIDIOUS?" gasped Summer.
"AND DARTH VADER...young and old?" added Becca.
"Sure," Gem shrugged, "We'll invite them all."
"AND LESTAT?" Manda cried.
"Oooooo, Pretty please?" Draco also cried.
"Yeah, we'll invite them all, I said..." replied Gem with a hint of annoyance in her voice.
And so the evil group gathered up the rest of their minions.
They ventured to NYC and up to the top on the Empire State Building to party.
"So...this is a happening party..." Poli (who will now be known as Manda in the rest of this story) said has she sat in Lestat's lap...she had graciously passed Draco on to Summer.
"Let's do something evil," said Gem.
"Ya think," Jorge replied, "Actually...let's get me an evil gal. All you chicks have evil men..."
"Yes...we do," said Arwen as she snuggled up to Voldemort.
"So...who's an evil chick," Becca asked.
The group turned blankly to the author of this leg of the story.
"Don't look at me," she snapped, " I don't know why I need all the brilliant ideas. Other people could help!"
"Hmm...Sounds like someone I know," said Manda.
"Yea...right...who cares? I want my evil chick," Jorge said has he began to cry.
"There, there schnookims," said Darth Sidious.
"Whoo...back off there buddy," said Chica, "Ok gang...let's go hunt some evil chicks...ew that sounds...icky.
"Ummm... well, we're in NYC; it's a pretty big city you know? I'm sure we can find a decent evil chick in here... somewhere" said Arwen
"Wow, that'll be a lot of searching" said Gem, "how about we just place a personal ad in some Evil newspaper and let the evil chicks come to you, Jorge?"
"Uhhh... what if some freak pretending to be a girl calls? I don't want that!" said Jorge as everyone looked at Snape.
"What!" said Snape "That was just that one time, and you have to admit it was pretty funny"
"It wasn't funny for ME" said Darth Vader breathe "which reminds me, you never returned the lightsaber you borrowed from me"
"Uhhh..." said Snape, "I think that Potter kid got a hold of it somehow"
"YOU LET POTTER TOUCH MY LIGHTSABER" yelled Vader while using the Force to choke Snape,breathe"why, you insolent little..."
"Ok, settle down guys" said Summer "we don't want any 'unfortunate accidents' happening this time"
"This time? What do you mean this time" asked Manda
"Ummm... you don't wanna know..." answered Jorge while Chica, Becca and Arwen giggled their heads off behind him.
"SHUT UP!" he yelled "ok, now I'm thirsty. I'm gonna go get me a Bawls...mmm... liquid caffeine..."
"Well...we could always just get a chick and give her evil lessons," said Summer.
"Meh. Like Draco gave Oliver that one time," Manda said with a snicker, "You know how well that worked...or not."
"Well...what about...," Chica began. Then she suddenly disappeared with a KBOOM. Because she isn't in this club and is only adding to the growing confusion of the authors.
The evil group blinked in surprise.
"Riiiiiiiight," said Eowynshue, "Back to the issue at hand...evil chicks for the only guy."
The group thought...and they thought...and then they drank some water and thought some more.
"I've got it," cried Arwen.
"What what," said Jorge.
"I've got to pee. All that water...," she replied.
Jorge screamed in frustration and then began to weep.
"Oh suck it up you jerk," said Gem," Real evil men don't weep."
"Oh all right," Jorge said sniffing, "Can I have a tissue?"
Becca beaned him on the side of the head with a whole box.
"AHA," cried Summer, "I've got it! And I really mean it!"
The group gathered closely.
"The Wicked Witch of the West!"
"Ooooooo," said the group.
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew," said Jorge gagging at the thought."
"Well fine then," Manda snapped, "You pick."
Suddenly Jorge got a very twisted smile on his face.
"Hey," he said slowly, "Ya'll are chicks...and you're all evil...I can have my pick of anyone of you...or more than one. MUWAHAHAHAHAH."
The girls all looked at each other and slowly backed away from Jorge.
Suddenly there was a flurry of motion. All of the evil guys that had been at the party proceeded to beat the shit out of Jorge.
"Hiiiiiiya," screamed Voldemort, "Stay away from these chicks! They're ours, bitch."
"Yea. Back off motherfucker," said Lestat as he dropped kicked Jorge.
"That's right! They're ours," Draco cried as he poked Jorge in the eye with Vader's light saber.
Suddenly the collective group of evil women using the evil powers that mystify all put an end to the destruction of Jorge.
"Ok. Thanks guys. But yea...that's enough," said Ali.
"Yea...cool...but not necessary," Summer added.
"And we belong to no one, you bastards," Manda stated.
"Holy hell. I just had the most brilliant idea of all times," exclaimed Gem.
The group turned to her.
"Get him cleaned up and I'll explain."
So as Arwen began covering Jorge's owies with Blues Clues band-aids Gem began to tell her idea.
"We can build him a perfect evil chick. Like Frankenstein. But better. We'll assemble her and all that jazz. What do you think?"
"Hmmm...Sounds like a good idea," said Becca, "But where will we get some people to ya know...um...get parts from...the grave yard?"
"AAAAH! Hey! NO. I ain't wantin no corpse," squealed Jorge.
"Picky picky," said Arwen, "I guess we could yea know...hehehe...borrow parts from a few people."
"Heh. I know a couple of girls that I wanna pay back...I'd get you some nice arms and legs," Manda stated with an evil grin.
"So then is that the plan? We...er...make Jorge a girl," Summer asked.
"Oooooooo! Can we call her Mitzy? Please," said Becca.
"Uh. No," said Ali, "We'll let Jorge name her."
Arwen rubbed her hands together, "Let the work begin."
So they all went in search of the perfect parts for Jorge.
"I still don't quite understand how this is gonna work," said Jorge. "Where are we going to find parts of people and not have them be dead?"
"Simple," Amanda said grinning, "we just chop 'em up while they're alive. More fun that way anyways."
At this point everyone just stood and blinked for awhile.
"Ahem, or we could just make a robot?" asked Ali carefully, not wanting to break the awkward silence.
"Nah, they're less fun," said Jorge knowingly.
"And how exactly would you know?" Becca asked.
"Erm, nevermind. That story is for another day. "
All the girls snickered quietly at this.
So the Evil group worked their way all up and down NYC (that is where we're at right now, right?) asking random people if they knew where we could find live body parts. This got some interesting reactions, but none that were that helpful. Vader, Draco, and Lestat also had some strange ideas, but nothing anyone really wanted to follow up on.
"This isn't working guys. I'm all for finding evil chicks for Jorge, but this is just too much," Summer declared dramatically before falling into Draco's lap.
"But I want my evil chick!" Jorge pouted.
"If ya'll don't want to do that, I have a couple of other ideas," said Gem excitedly.
"No more!" yelled Amanda tired out after walking the entire length of NYC several times.
"No, this one'll be easy!" Gem said desperately, waving her arms around. "We can clone someone!"
This was answered by more staring and blinking. "Erm, easy, how?" questioned Arwen, who blinked some more.
"Aw, come on, my mom's a geneticist and I live in Chi-town. There's gotta be some sort of human cloning going on in the black market, doncha think?" People mumbled agreement.
"But the real question is, who to clone?" asked Becca.
"Why didn't you tell us about this earlier? Forget cloning evil chicks for Jorge! But think of all the things we could do with that..." Summer finished dreamily with stars in her eyes.
So it was agreed, and they all headed back to Chicago...
So, the evil group jumped in the Evil Mobile.
"SHOTGUN!" Becca screamed, jumping into the front seat. Jorge quickly jumped into the driver's seat. "Like I'm going to trust any of you with our greatest asset... the Evil Mobile." Jorge explained, starting up the van.
The rest of the group jumped in the back of the magically enlarged van and sat back as Becca popped in a CD.
"OKAY! Chicago sing-a-long!" Becca said excitedly, quickly belting out into song while everyone else either joined in or looked like they were in hell.
"Lets all stroke together, like the Prinston crew, when you're strokin mamma, mamma's strokin you... AND ALL... THAT... JAAAAAZZZZZZZ!
...finally, in Chicago...
"Okay, so guess who's NOT being cloned!" Jorge announced as he got out the van.
"Who?" Becca asked naively. Manda and Summa had to be held back by the rest of the group to save Becca from being pummeled to a mushy mush.
"Ok, we're here," said Jorge, "everybody off the Evil Mobile"
It had been a long trip and everyone was happy to get out and stretch a little.
"Ummm... that was fun and all, but why did we have to come all the way to Chicago in the first place?" asked Ali.
Everyone looked at Becca for an answer.
"Uhhh... what? I just felt like singing!" she said.
"Ok, let's get back to what we set out to do shall we?" said Manda. "Cloning an evil chick for Jorge"
"Uhhh... yeah, that. So now that we're in Chicago, how do we go about doing that?" asked Arwen. "You don't suppose we can look up "Cloning Chambers" on the Chicago Black Market phone book do you?"
"Mom... cloning..." thought Summer out loud, "Just think what we could do..."
Just as the endless possibilities of cloning came into the group's minds a shoddy looking character with a heavy Italian accent approached the group.
"Eh... you know, I couldn't help over hearing. You gals looking for some cloning? I think I can help you there... for a modest fee of course" he said
"You mean to tell us you can clone people?" asked Amanda
"No, not me. But I've got my sources" he said.
"Oh. And just who are you anyway?" asked Ali
"Name's Louie, who I am, is none of your business lady. Now do you wanna do some cloning or no?"
Everyone looked around rather nervously, not knowing whether or not to trust this funny man.
"Hell yea we do!" said Jorge "I mean... at least I know I do"
"well, I don't have any better ideas" said Summa." besides, what do we have to lose anyway?"
Soon the whole group was on their feet again following the strange guy. No one was talking as they entered a series of dark alleys with creepy noises coming from the shadows.
Finally Darth Vader tried to make some conversation to break the uneasy silence.
"Uhhh... did I ever tell you about that time in Geonosis..." he began.
"Yeah, yeah. We all saw Episode II" interrupted Gem.
"Oh" said Vader and went silent again.
After a few more twists and turns the strange man named Louie finally stopped at a metal door in the back of a warehouse.
"Ok, this is it. Let me go talk to my pal Tony and I'll come back and get you all" said the man and disappeared thru the door.
"Ummm... ok, this is fine and all" said Becca, "but we still haven't figured out who we're gonna clone?"
A huge grin came across Jorge's face. "Why, me of course!" he said as if that had been obvious all along.
"You?" replied Becca "I thought we were gonna clone a chick for you, not... you"
"Alright fellas" said Louie emerging from the warehouse again. "I've got your cloning chamber right here. My pal Tony here's gonna let you have it for ten thousand dollars, plus commission"
A big tough looking guy with a tomato stained shirt, obviously Tony, came out behind him carrying a box labeled "Cloning Chamber: Handle with care"
"Uhhh... did anyone bring ten thousand dollars with them?" asked Draco.
Everyone searched their pockets but all together they only managed to turn up 5 loose buttons, pocket lint, half a lollipop, a bottlecap and $17.53
"I'll take care of this" said Darth Vader
"What? Are you gonna have the Empire pay for this?" asked Tom Riddle
Vader directed his attention to Louie and Tony
"We don't have enough money, but $17.53 will do fine" he said while waving his hand in front of them.
The two men's eyes went out of focus and they both repeated "$17. 53 will do fine"
"It was nice doing business with you. Have a good day" Vader said, waving his hand again.
"It was nice doing business with you. Have a good day" they repeated.
Before the two men snapped out of it the evil groups had packed the "Cloning Chamber" box on the back of the Evil Mobile and were driving away.
"That was pretty slick, Vader" said Gem smiling.
"Thank you, that's a trick I learned..." began Vader.
"Ok, I suppose this is as good a place as any" interrupted Jorge pulling the Evil Mobile up to the Sears Tower.
"Wooo! Party on top of the Sears Tower!" cried out Becca.
"Cloning party" corrected Jorge
... On top of the Sears Tower...
"Ok, the cloning chamber's set up!" exclaimed Darth Sedious who had been rather quiet for a while.
"I still don't get it. Are we cloning Jorge a chick or are we cloning Jorge?" asked Beccita
"Nah. I've decided I can do without an evil chick of my own; I've got enough with the buncha you anyway. But I do want a Jorge Clone army though. Just think of the possibilities!" explained Jorge.
"Woo! We could take over small countries with a Jorge Clone Army!" cried Manda excitedly and shoved Jorge in the cloning chamber.
"Hmmm... let's see... we'll start with a batch of... five... hundred..." thought Manda out loud as she operated the controls of the Cloning Chamber
"Yo, Manda, shouldn't you have read the instruction manual first?" asked Summa waving the manual at her.
'Uh... oops!' said Manda as she pressed the "Enter" button and the Cloning chamber started whistling and lights started going on and off all over it.
"AAAAHHHHH!" came a muffled scream from Jorge from inside the chamber.
"Uh-oh. I think you did something wrong there Manda" said Gem.
"I-I don't know what you're talking about," Manda stammered.
"You broke it," Arwen screamed, "You killed Jorge."
"I just wanted everything to go right. I don't trust people to do things. I'm-I'm sorry," Manda whispered. And with that she burst into tears.
Lestat came over and held her and gave everyone else the evil eye.
"Soooo now what do we do? Did it work," Becca asked.
"Open the door and find out," said Ali.
Suddenly there was a loud banging noise from inside the machine.
"Uh...no thanks," Becca replied.
"Well...then. What are we gonna do. Jorge could be...injured," said Summer.
"So open the door Summer," Gem said.
"Fine I will."
The machine suddenly shook as the noise grew louder.
"Umm...actually. I think we can leave it closed for a bit," Summer decided.
"Oh jeez. You people. I'll open the door. Since I 'broke' it," Manda snapped.
She dried her tears and walked to the machine.
She slowly turned the handle and the door opened with a groan. The group crowded closer and peered inside.
"There's something in there," said Ali.
"Thank you Captain Obvious," Gem replied.
"What is it," asked Summer.
"Duh. It's Jorge," Arwen said.
"No...I don't think so," Draco stated, "I'm not sure what it is."
"Who wants to go find out," asked Manda.
The group just looked at her.
"Fine then. I'll do it." She stuck her tongue out at the group.
She walked in muttering under her breath..."make one mistake and they send you into a machine...with who knows what inside". She walked all the way to the back corner.
"Jorge...is that you?"
Suddenly the group heard a scream from inside the machine.
"Manda...are you ok," Gem called.
"Uh...yea. But...," came the reply.
Manda stepped out of the machine. And she was leading a hippo with a nametag that said Bill.
"OMG!" Screamed Ali. "That is the cutest thing I have ever seen!"
Summer stared at the hippo. "Ummm, where exactly is Jorge, Manda?"
"If I knew where Jorge was, would I have bothered bringing the hippo out here!" yelled Manda.
Just then Gem shuddered.
"What's wrong?" asked Arwen
"I have the biggest phobia of hippos!" Everybody raised their eyebrows.
"Right..." said Manda, "Alright, we need to come up with a plan. What do you guys think we should do?"
Becca smiled "I think the hippo is cute. Cuter than Jorge anyway."
Manda yelled "BECCA! WE ARE ASKING FOR A PLAN! NOT A 'WHO LOVES THE HIPPO?' POLL!"
"CALM DOWN!" screamed Summer.
"Any other ideas people?" Manda looked evilly at all the evil guys. "You know, you guys really aren't much help." They shrugged.
"All we have to do is go over the instructions and see if it says anything in there about this... problem." Said Summer.
"WE NEED TO GET RID OF THE HIPPO! HE'S STARING AT ME FUNNY! yelled Gem. She was again stared at with raised eyebrows.
Suddenly Ali, who had been with the hippo this whole time said "Uh oh"
"Oh no, what?" asked Summer and Manda.
"Um, Bill kinda ate the instructions!"
NOOOOOOOO! A scream pierced the air and a flash of color whipped over to Bill. (ready for this? Self-insertion into the story in 3...2...1...) Katie grabbed on to the last bit of paper sticking out of Bill's mouth and pulled on it.
"Katie?" asked Summer "Where the hell did you come from?"
"Ummph... I was asleep in the back of the car. I just woke up and heard something about Bill eating the instructions so here I am. "said Katie as she continued to struggle with Bill.
"Ohhhh" said Draco. "I thought I heard snoring on the way here."
Lord Voldemort gives Draco and evil look, puts his hands on his hips and says in an annoyed voice "Actually that was me. And it wasn't snoring. That's just how I breathe."
Amanda, Ali, and Gem had to hide their laughter but their mirth was interrupted by a question.
"Umm... Guys Do you mind helping me out over here?" Katie was still trying to pull the little piece of paper out of Bills mouth. All of the girls other than Gem immediately jumped up to help Katie. Gem, however ran behind a box and hid.
"Ahhh... Shit!" said Summer, struggling to pull the paper as well. "Bill is pretty strong!"
"Mmmmphh!" was everyone else's reply.
Draco studied the scene before him and then walked up to the girls and Bill.
"Step aside!" he said in what he thought was his manly voice but, as he was later to be told sounded a lot like that wimpy, pimply guy from Burger King. "This is a job for a Malfoy."
Exhausted the girls let Draco take control of the paper. He gave a light tug and Bill immediately released the paper. He ran back triumphant to the other guys, where he was met with cheers. He turned back to the girls grinning evilly.
"See?" he said "It takes a guy to do stuff like that."
Katie, tired and pissed off, walked swiftly up to Draco, flanked by the rest of the angry girls. She glareed at him for a few moments then socked him a good one square in his eye.
"Ohhmmmph" goes Draco as he collapsed on the ground clutching his eye.
Katie picked up the directions and then walked past the stunned guys and Draco. Draco receivee a few kicks as the girls, especially in the groin as Summer passes.
"What do they say?" asks Ali as Katie squinted at the small shred of paper.
"It says:
in case o
Warning:
Avoid con
For Extern
If a Hippo
Call 1-800" said Amanda who was reading over her shoulder.
"Well what about the back?" asked Summer
Katie flipped it over and frowned "Ummm... Chinese."
"Awww shit" Said Lord Voldemort.
"Now what are suppose to do"
"I know" replied a voice that belonged to...
...Bill!
"Holy crap! A talking Hippo!" said Amanda surprised.
"Dude, we didn't know you could talk!" said Katie. "How about you just hold your mouth open so we can retrieve the rest of the instruction manual?"
"I know" repeated Bill.
"yes, we know you know" said Summer, "now how about doing what Katie said and giving us that instruction book back?"
"I know" said Bill.
"Grrr! Is that all he says?" yelled Gem
"I know" said Bill one more time.
With that Becca got up, walked up to Bill and smacked him hard across the face. So hard in fact that Bill fell with a great THUD on the floor, unconscious
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!" screamed Ali as she ran towards Bill, Knocking Becca to the floor in the process.
"Ow!" said Becca when she hit the floor "he was freaking annoying me! I know! I know! I know! GAH!"
"Dood!" here's an idea!" said Darth Maul-icious, "how about one of you takes advantage of the fact that Bill is knocked out to reach in there and take that instruction book out of his mouth?"
Manda shot him a dirty look and said "One of us? How about YOU? I'm not sticking my hands in there. There's... Hippo slobber in there"
Once again Draco got up triumphantly and said "aha! this is another job for a Malfoy!"
With that he strutted proudly towards the unconscious hippo and stuck his hand in the hippo's half open mouth. Squishing sounds came from there as Draco felt around for the Instruction manual.
"Almost... there..." he said reaching deeper.
"Dude, that sounds disgusting" said Ali standing back.
"I think I got it!" said Draco triumphantly "I got it!" he said as he pulled out his arm, covered in hippo slobber, but holding a soaked manual.
Just then Summer got an evil idea. she walked up to Bill quickly and pricked him in the ass with a sharp pencil. This made Bill wake suddenly and in his confusion he took a bite of Draco.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Draco in horror. "GET THIS HIPPO OFF ME!"
"Bill, let go of him!" Ali cooed at Bill, but Bill would not let go of Draco.
Meanwhile Summer was in stitches on the floor laughing so hard.
"HE'S GOT MY PANTS! HE'S GOT MY PANTS!" continued to yell Draco. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! HE'S GOT MY PANTS"
"Just slip out of them Draco!" said Katie
"I can't! They're on too tight cried out Draco
Just then Bill started to violently shake Draco around while he pled for his precious leather pants.
Everyone then joined Summer in laughing at Draco's crappy situation and forgot completely about the instruction manual in his hand until it flew off and hit Manda square in the face.
"Ugh! Oh yeah... this is what we wanted wasn't it?" she said trying not to get any of the Hippo drool on her.
"Oh yeah" agreed Becca, still snickering about Draco. "We still need to figure out what happened with that cloning machine... and Jorge"
"So... what should we do now?" asked Gem.
"Dry the manual and try to find out where Jorge is." answered Summer. "I suggest we use a blow dryer. May speed up the process a bit."
"Well..." asked Manda "Anyone carry a blow dryer around?"
"I do!" Yelled Draco.
Manda and Summer and Katie stared at him.
"Wow. I didn't know guys carried blow dryers." Muttered Katie.
"OK...thanks." They responded.
"Ali, can you plug this in? The socket is right next to you. Ali? Ali? ALI?" yelled Summer.
Ali looked up from where she was trying to calm down Bill.
"Huh?" "Fine." muttered Summer.
"You plug it in, Gem."
But Gem, after being brave enough to smack Bill, suddenly remembered her fear of hippos. "Erm... No. I don't think I want to do that." she responded in the calmest voice she could muster.
"Oh geez! Give that to me!" yelled Katie. She walked over and plugged the blow dryer in. Bill immediately pulled it back out. Katie plugged it back in. Bill pulled it out.
"Freaking Hippo!" mumbled Amanda. "Ali," she asked, "want to do something about that?"
"No Bill. Be good. Leave the plug in." said Ali sweetly. Bill dropped the plug and Katie plugged it back in. Ali smiled proudly.
"Alright. Let's get drying!" smiled Amanda. They all watched as Gem blow-dried the instructions.
When she was done, Amanda grabbed it.
She began to read it.
"In case of emergency, turn off machine immediately. Warning: for external uses only. Avoid contact with pushy girls." Manda looked up sheepishly while Gem, Katie, Summer, and Ali give her dirty looks.
"If a hippo appears, you broke the machine. Good job, dummy! Call 1-800-555-9999 if you have any questions."
"Alright" said Summer, "Anyone got a phone?" Everyone looked at each other.
"Wait!" said Manda. "There's more! 'You may also come to our offices. 1370 Rhubarb Ave. Giggleville, Alabama."
"Alabama? There is a cloning place in Alabama?" asked Gem dumbfounded.
"Giggleville? What kind of name is Giggleville!" yelled Summer.
"Well," said Katie. "Maybe we should just go down there. We can ask our question and return Bill."
"WHAT! WE CAN'T RETURN BILL!" screamed Ali with tears in her eyes.
"Ali, you know you can't keep him forever." said Gem, doing her best to comfort her.
Bill sniffled. "Do I have to go back?"
Summer answered "We'll figure all this out when we get to Giggleville"
"Well, it's time to go to the Evil Mobile. And this time, I drive." stated Manda.
With a smile Katie yelled "We're off"
"Yay! More Chicago soundtrack" yelled Gem triumphantly.
And so the group headed for Alabama. And there was much singing…and many headaches.
Suddenly Amanda slammed on the brakes.
"Ah. What are you doing? You're on interstate. You can't stop," screamed Arwen.
"Oh. Sorry. Hold on," and so she pulled off the interstate.
"What's the problem," Becca asked.
"Ok. The machine went wacko and Jorge is gone. So…then we got a hippo. Is that Jorge…in hippo form? I mean…," Manda said.
"Holy hell. I never thought of that," said Summer.
"No. It's not Jorge. I'm not scared of him. But I'm scared of Bill," Gem stated.
"It doesn't look like Jorge," said Katie, "It's a cute hippo."
"Of course it's not gonna look like Jorge! It's a hippo," Amanda snapped, "Jorge didn't look like a hippo anyways…well…yea…hahah. No."
"So what are you saying," asked Arwen.
"I dunno. Tis just a thought," Manda replied.
"Let's ask him," Becca said, "Hey Bill are you really Jorge?"
The hippo just looked at her.
"Guess not."
"Ok," Amanda said, "Onward."
And they began to drive again.
In the backseat of the Evil Mobile…
"Damnit. My pants are ruined. My lovely leather pants," moaned Draco.
"You have my sympathies," said Lestat, "I look pretty smashing in leather pants myself. I always hate to ruin a pair."
"I'm gonna kill that hippo and make him into leather pants," Draco decided.
"AAAAAAAAAH," screamed Ali, "Draco. Stay away from Bill. I won't let you kill him."
"Try and stop me!"
"Noooooo. Lestat make Bill an immortal hippo."
"Hey! Lestat. Stay away from Bill. You're not making anyone immortal but me," yelled Amanda, "And Draco. We'll get you some new pants. No killing. Fix them yourself. You're a wizard you git."
And the kept driving…
"Are we there yet," asked Voldemort.
"No," said Arwen.
"What about now?"
"No."
"Now?"
"No!"
"Are we there now?"
"No!"
"Hey. Don't make me pull this Evil Mobile over and turn around," Manda said.
And they drove some more…
"I have to pee," whined Gem.
"Just wait a while," Katie said.
"But I have to pee now."
"I do to," said Summer.
"I think Bill has to pee," said Ali, "He looks funny."
"No," said Darth Vader, "He looks like he's gonna get car sick."
And sure enough…Bill threw up. All over Ali.
"Hahahah. I'll bet you love that hippo now," laughed Gem.
"AAAAAH. That's gross. I'm gonna throw up now," screamed Amanda.
"Ewwwwwwwww. It smells," Becca said.
"Hey. There's a carwash over there. Let's hose em off," Draco said.
"Yea."
And so EVERYONE got hosed off in the carwash. And the inside of the Evil Mobile got washed out do.
"Man. My shoes make squishy noises now," Summer complained.
"Shut up and get in the mobile. We're almost there," Amanda commanded.
Sure enough they were in the suburbs of Giggleville. With a little time and some asking of the locals they found where they were to be.
It was an abandon warehouse in the ghetto part of town. They climbed out of the Evil Mobile tired from traveling and still damp.
"Well…now what do we do," Manda asked no one in particular.
"I believe," said the young Darth Vader, who had been quiet for the entire story, "We should look in that abandoned warehouse."
"What could possibly be in there?" asked Gem, "...Besides aliens?"
"Aliens?" asked Manda. "Why would foreign people be hiding in a ghetto warehouse?"
"I think she means aliens from other planets," Summer answered.
"Like me," added Anakin.
"No, you're human," stated Katie.
"But I'm from Tatooine," he replied. "That makes me an alien."
"I meant little green dudes with huge black eyes!" Gem shouted, frustrated.
"Like Draco," sneered Lestat.
"Shut up," said Draco.
"Yeah, don't make fun of my boyfriend," said Summer.
"I'm not your boyfriend," said Draco.
"Yeah, he's my boyfriend," retorted Voldemort before he could stop himself.
Silence followed.
"I, uh...I just meant that, uh..." Voldemort quickly added, "that he's, uh...a boy, and uh...he's my friend. Get it? Boy friend?"
"Riiiight," said Gem.
"You are so gay," said Ali matter-of-factly.
"I know," replied Bill.
Everyone stared at Bill.
"EW!" screamed Katie, "Bill knows you're gay! Voldy, what did you do to him?"
"NOTHING!" Voldemort screamed back. "It was a long car ride, ok?"
"That's like totally gross," stated Snape, who decided to be part of the story again.
"I didn't mean I like that!" yelled Voldemort!
Draco began to cry.
"I meant," said Voldemort, "That it was a long car ride. Bill's tired. He doesn't know what he's talking about."
Everyone looked at Voldemort suspiciously.
"I'M NOT GAY!" he shrieked.
"Then why did you kill moaning Myrtle? eh?" asked Manda. "Trying to get rid of all the girls, eh?"
"NO!" said Voldemort, rising to an enormous height. His eyes turned red and he seemed to tower over everyone, casting a dark shadow over their faces. Then, he hissed back, "She was the first of many who shall die! Be forewarned, my wrath will not be ignored! All those who stand against me shall despair! Mudbloods especially!"
"What's mudblood?" asked Lestat. "It sounds tasty."
"Okay, My Lord," Snape replied sarcastically. "We believe you."
"Good," Voldy replied, shrinking down to his normal, though still tall, height. "Now let's go inside that creepy warehouse. C'mon, Draco!"
Everyone followed.
"Hmmmm" said Eowynshue, who had miraculously regained the power of speech, "Oh well it's only a bit...dank...in here"
"And dark" said Ali
"Ok so apart from it being dank and dark, there's nothing else wrong with this place" said Eowynshue
"And creepy" said Summer
"Ok so apart from it being dank, dark and creepy, there's nothing else wrong with this..."
"STOP!" cried Voldemort, "I smell bad Monty python cross over coming"
"look, its not my fault" replied Eowynshue.
"What do you mean it's not your fault? You're the one writing the damn thing!" yelled Snape
"Oh shut up and go wash your underpants" Eowynshue retorted.
Snape turned away shamefully.
Suddenly a bright light appeared and blinded the squabblers. Draco gave a girlish scream.
"Found the light switch everyone!" yelled Ali. She looked around, "hey, where'd Bill go?"
"And where's Gem?" asked Manda.
They heard a scream from the other side of the warehouse that could be no one but Gem.
"Ah! What is it? What's wrong? WHERE'S BILL?" yelled Summer.
"Nothing it's just... I thought I saw someone... but I didn't. Meh" Gem replied. "No sign of Bill though, sorry" she added with a smirk.
The evil crew proceeded to search the entire warehouse for Bill- except Gem of course.
"Here, Billy Billy Billy..." Ali kept saying.
"Oh no!" yelled Eowynshue. "Look what I found!"
They all huddled around Eowynshue.
"It's a ransom note," she said.
"Well, what does it say?" asked Becca, getting impatient.
"It says 'We have your precious Bill. If you don't give us what we want, we'll kill him, and who knows if you'll ever see Jorge again! Meet us at 666 Century Drive in Chicago at midnight, tomorrow.'" Eowynshue finished shakily.
"Poor Jr. Ogre" said Summer.
"Poor Bill!" yelled Ali, and then burst into tears. Manda went over to comfort her.
"Don't worry, it'll be alright! After all, this is the Evil club, we'll get em back, they can't stand up to us!"
"Right," said Voldemort, finding his voice again. "So um...what time is it now?"
Everyone shrugged.
"Isn't anyone wearing a watch?" he asked them angrily.
Everyone shook their heads no.
"So when are we supposed to know when it's midnight tomorrow?" he asked again.
"Dude," replied Gem. "We're in Chicago. It's a huge city. There must be a clock somewhere. We just have to leave this creepy, dank, dark warehouse and find one."
"Amen to that!" said Eowynshue, turning to open the door. As she tried to open it, however, it wouldn't budge. "It's stuck," she said aloud.
"Allow me," said Voldemort, walking over to the door. He whipped out his wand, pointed it to the doorknob and said, "Alohamora!"
The door was still locked and wouldn't budge.
"Pathetic," said Snape, briskly walking towards the door. "You're the strongest Dark Lord ever, and yet you're still using basic, low-level charms?"
Voldemort pointed his wand at Snape. "Alohamora!" he said. Snape blinked at him.
"What are you trying to do, unlock me?" Snape asked darkly.
"Nooooo," Voldemort replied childishly. "I'm trying to unlock your mind so that I can see where all of your IDIOCY comes from!"
Snape gasped and took a step back. "Well, I never!" he said exasperatedly.
"Hey!" Summer shouted at Voldemort. She held Snape's hand. "STOP MAKING FUN OF MY BOYFRIEND!"
Snape gave Summer a disgusted look and pulled away. "No, no, no," he said coldly. "This is a different fic, remember?"
"Oh yeah," Summer replied, moping on the spot.
"I'll be your boyfriend," said Draco.
"Okay!" Summer smiled. She grabbed him by the arm and carried him to the Warehouse's back room where they made out SIMULTANEOUSLY, only because it was Summer's favourite word.
"Can I be your girlfriend?" asked Gem. Everyone guffawed at her simultaneously (hehe). "What?" she said. "He used to be ho when he looked like Billy."
"But I didn't look like Bill-"
"Be mine!" Gem said, running to Snape and hugging him. "Get...offf...me!" he said, struggling to free himself of Gem.
"Snape, you're an idiot," said Lestat. "Two beautiful girls just threw themselves at you, and you're trying to throw them away? I oughta suck your bones dry for that." Lestat licked his lips in anticipation.
"Maybe he just doesn't have the capability to love," said Ali.
"Yeah," agreed Manda. "Like in Dogma, when he played a crotchless angel."
"THAT WAS ALAN RICKMAN!" Snape yelled. "He's just an actor who played me in those Harry Potter films!"
"Yeah, okay, No-Dick," Voldemort laughed.
"I'M NOT ALAN RICKMAN!" Snape shouted at him.
The evil crew continued to argue away, until something happened with made them all gasp.
"Oooooooooo..." said a distant, echo-y voice. "Uuuhh...oooo..."
"Sounds like an Herbal Essences shampoo commercial," said Becca.
"Ooooo...noooo," said the voice. "I'm a ghoooooosttt..."
"Wait..." said Becca. "Are you telling me we are supposed to be freaked out by a ghost that sounds like it is getting turned on by shampoo? I don't think so!"
"Yea!" Added Ali. "We are all evil. We aren't scared of a stupid ghost!"
Suddenly something came out of the corner.
"AHHHHHHHH!" screamed Gem.
"Gem! Did you not just hear that we aren't scared of a stupid ghost?" yelled Summer.
"Look! It's not a ghost! It's a guy! A hot guy!" said Manda.
"EEEEEEEE!" screamed Ali. "It's The Crow from the second movie! Damn he fine! Oops... did I say that out loud?"
Summer laughed. "Take him Ali. No one is going to fight you for him. Plus the rest of us got guys."
"Yea," chimed Gem, "It will help take your mind off Bill."
Ali's lip started to tremble. "Way to go, Gem!" muttered Eowynshue.
Crow rushed over and hugged Ali. "It's ok. Don't worry. We will find your hippo."
"How do you know about Bill?" asked Manda, while Lestat looked at her lovingly.
"Well, I heard Ali talking about him. At first I was jealous because I thought he was another guy. But since it's a hippo, I'll be glad to help."
"Can you get us out of here?" asked Gem, who was holding Snape's arm so tight he looked like he would cry. Summer and Draco snickered at them.
"Yea." Crow jumped out of the window, and flew around all cool-like and opened the door from the other side.
"Ali!" whispered Summer, "See how he can fly around like that? Imagine the fun you can have with that!"
Ali laughed.
"Summer! You are so kinky!" laughed Manda.
"Well," said Gem, "I suppose we should go save Bill now."
"YAY!" yelled Ali, who was in Crow's arms, "Let's roll!"
"Okay, Now to find a clock..." stated Ali.
"Er... a clock shop?" asked Amanda.
"I have no idea how the heck to get around in Giggleville, Alabama, let alone saying it without.. well.. giggling." Gem said, giggling.
"Wait.. aren't we in Chi-town?" asked Eowynshue
"Er... last time I checked it was Alabama.." Gem replied, pointing to the sign that previously said 'Welcome to Alabama' That now said 'Chicago- 5 miles thata-way'
"Well, that's a bit.. weird" Draco said.
"So.. who's up for a five mile walk?" asked Lestat.
"Mm.. I think you're gonna carry me" stated Amanda.
"Yea, you guys can walk, me and Alex will flyyyy!" Ali yelled as she and the Crow flew off.
As Ali and Crow flew off and Lestat carried Amanda at his superhuman speed, the rest were still thinking of a way to get there. beep beep
"What was that?" asked Draco, hiding behind Summer. Summer gave him a look of disgust. She mumbled something under her breath about 'a disgrace to Slytherin'.
"Hehehe.. tis just the Evil Mobile. I borrowed the keys from Amanda." Gem replied, as the Evil Mobile came zooming into sight.
On the way back to Chicago for what.. the 3rd time?
"And no more Chicago sing-alongs!"
Righty-O, 665-667 Century Street or whatever, where' 666? asked Becca, once in Chicago. Everyone shrugged.
"Ooh look! A clock shop!" Gem yelled, swerving off the road and almost killing several people.. not like we care or anything.
Once inside the clock shop, they found Ali and Crow, and also Manda and Lestat. And a very hot guy behind the register...
"Meep!" Gem half-screamed, half-whispered
"Whaaa?" asked Summer, who she was hiding behind.
"That's BOBERT!" Gem whispered back...
"My name," said the guy behind the counter who'd overheard Gem, "is NOT Bobert!"
"But.." uttered Gem before she was cut short.
"Who are you then!" shouted Ali, still pinning for Bill. The guy glared at her.
"A Smith," he said, as his face began to disintegrate revealing his true identity, "Agent Smith"
"Dude!" shouted Eowynshue, "Its Agent Elrond!"
Smith took a pair of sunglasses out of his pocket and put them on. "That name is not to be mentioned" he whispered menacingly.
"Ok then" said Eowynshue, "how bout Priscilla?"
"I think you should stop there" said Summer dragging Eowynshue backwards
"Oh no please," said Manda, "do carry on," she said reaching into the box of popcorn Draco was holding.
"Follow me..." said Elrond, I mean Smith. He turned towards the door at the back of the shop. It opened in front of him. The others followed. They entered a long Barbie pink corridor with hundreds of doors and strong halogen lights.
"The horror!" cried Lestat.
Smith led them through another door on the right. It was pitch black inside. And cold. They stood still in a group, silent. Then suddenly they became surrounded in red light. They saw Smith sitting in a large leather chair behind a desk. He beckoned them to sit down. None of them moved.
"SIT!" he shouted, and two of his henchmen stepped forward from the shadows.
"Eep" said Ali. They sat on the crappy plastic chairs behind them.
"I suppose you're all wondering why I called you here" Smith said.
"No not really" said Summer.
"Well," said Smith," I'll tell you anyway. I've been observing your actions for the past while, I won't say how long." He grinned at Snape, who looked at him suspiciously. "Anyway, I saw your little "cloning" experiment, if it can be called that" he laughed, "yes quite amusing, that you could turn someone into a rhino.."
"Hippo" said Ali.
"Whatever." said Smith. "The point is I'm here to offer you...advice"
"What like an evil guidance counselor?" laughed Summer
"To put it one-way: yes" agreed Smith. "You see, I've decided to expand my operations. I will teach you MY cloning technique. Bring forth the ring!"
"You mean test subject" said another Agent
"Whatever" said Smith, as several agents pushed a large cage covered in a black cloth into the room. Smith walked up to the cage, from which came an angry grunt.
"I've got a bad feeling about this" said the young Darth (who I've just remembered was in this).
"Typical" said Gem, rolling her eyes.
"Ahem," said Smith, "This...is the test subject" he said ripping the black cover off the cage.
"BILL!" Ali screamed. She stood up out of her chair and ran towards him, but Agent Elrond stopped her.
"NO!" he said. "You mustn't touch him. Not yet. he is too afraid and confused right now."
Sure enough, Bill was shaking terribly and piddling down his inner left leg.
"Eww.." said Ali.
"Now sit down, please," Smith replied. Ali didn't move. "HAVO DAD!" he shrieked, and Ali finally sat down, obviously terrified. Agent Elrond continued in putting a tiara upon his head, and looked at everyone very seriously.
"Everyone," he said, "what I'm about to say to you all is very important."
Voldemort fidgeted eagerly in his chair.
"This clone of King Jorge is not just any clone," Agent Elrond continued. "It is the clone of...DOOM."
"Whaaaaa?" everyone gasped.
"And what, may I ask, is that?" commented Manda.
"Yeah," added Eowynshue, "what the hell is a clone of DOOM?"
"It is a powerful clone," said Agent Elrond. "See, a long time ago near the end of the second age, a clone fell off of Isildur's finger and landed in a river. The river hid the clone, and eventually a small hobbit-like creature named Gollum found it. He called it his precious and...well...you know how the rest goes, right?"
"I don't," said a very confused Lestat. Everyone gawked at him. "What?" he asked, "I've been asleep for like 200 years, ok?"
"So what was that lost clone a clone of?" asked Gem.
Agent Elrond shrugged his shoulders. "Meh," he replied, "Some sort of ring. Anyways, my point is that this clone of King Jorge that you have is a rhino for a reason."
"Hippo," Summer corrected him.
"It's a hippo for a reason," Elrond replied.
"And what reason would that be?" asked Becca.
"Well," Elrond answered, "Who would ever suspect a hippo to be the One Ruling Clone? Nobody. That is why it takes the form of the hippo."
"But..." stammered Gem... "but I thought that it was a clone of Jorge..."
"And... One Ruling Clone?" asked Ali, "But I thought you called it the Clone of DOOM."
"FINE THEN!" screeched Agent Elrond. "If you don't like my ideas, then just leave!"
Everyone else shrugged an began to walk away.
"WAIT!" Agent Elrond called out. "First there is something that I must do."
He walked closer to the leaving group and stared at them all very smugly. "You shall be the Fellowship of the Clone."
Everyone looked at one another with screwed up faces, then all quickly left the room.
"Well, that was weird," said Ali. "Come on, Bill." But Bill wasn't following them. He had disappeared once again!
Agent Elrond laughed and disappeared too!
"Oh come freaking ON!" yelled Ali.
Ewoynshue frowned. "A Hippo of doom? I really don't think that's possible."
"I don't trust that guy. Any man that wears a tiara is not to be trusted." stated Summer.
Draco threw his tiara away and smiled innocently.
"I think we should just go kick his ass" muttered Manda.
"But he might hurt Bill!" screamed Ali.
"What we need to do," said Gem, "is go in search of the hippo!"
"Again?" whined Voldy. "I'm tired!"
"Oh shut up!" muttered Becca.
"Look!" yelled Eowynshue "There's a piece of paper!"
And indeed there was.
Summer scooped it up and began to read
"'Go to Mt. Evil. There you will find Bill. You will know what to do when you get there.' Well, that's not much help. Where is Mt. Evil?"
"According to that map right there, it's in Alaska." pointed Manda.
(Yes, Alaska. Trying to bring us somewhere we didn't go yet.)
"Well, let's go get Bill!" said Ali.
And so they began their journey.
Suddenly, they were attacked by Ringwraiths! I mean Hippowraiths!
"EEEEE!" screamed Gem, who grabbed onto Snape. With a wave of his wand, they were gone.
"Hmm. That was easy." smiled Manda.
Suddenly, there was a big bang!
There was a loud, girlish scream!
"What happened?" yelled Summer.
"Oh no, Draco is missing!" cried Voldy.
"Where the hell are we," Gem demanded.
"And where's my Drakie-poo," Voldemort cried.
"We'd better not be in Alaska," Manda said darkly.
"Why not! We need to be in Alaska! Mt. Evil! Remember," Ali shouted.
"Because", Manda said, "Alaska is for players."
"Ooooo...I remember! Dan," Summer said.
"Dan! What is this thing you call Dan," Lestat exclaimed.
"Ah, a former thing of Amanda," Summer told him.
Lestat looked at Manda, "Ahem?"
"Dude! Nothing happened...much to my disappointment...but who cares. It's the bloody past," Manda shouted.
"Then why should you care that we are here," Arwen asked.
"I don't...argh. Shut up. Lestat I give you permission to kill Dan should we see the little bastard," Manda said, "Now can we get on with this?"
And then everyone looked at each other.
"Uh, I'm not quite sure where we are," said Snape.
"You idiot! You cast the damn spell," said Darth.
"Well...I wasn't concentrating properly...Summer's hand...was...," Snape broke off.
"Right, ew," Gem said, "Let's just walk."
And so they walked.
And then they trotted.
And then after that they strolled for a bit.
Then some people skipped and held hands.
"Ah, wait...shouldn't we have tried to find Draco," Eowynshue asked.
"Hmm...oops. Oh well," said Summer.
Suddenly Summer screamed and grabbed her butt.
"Something bit me," she said.
"Wasn't me," Snape said.
"It was me," came a voice.
"DRACO," Manda yelled, "Where the hell are you?"
"Invisibility cloak! You'll never find me!"
"You forget that Lestat can smell blood," Gem said, "Lestat...get him."
Lestat looked at her.
"Oh...yea...you take orders from only Manda," Gem remembered.
"Lestat go find the little git," Manda commanded.
And so he did.
"You are a disgrace to leather pants," Lestat said.
"Why'd you do that," Summer asked.
Draco just shrugged.
"Look," Arwen screamed, "a house!"
"Ah, good," said Becca, "It's gonna snow."
"How do you know that?"
"Because, there is a fell voice on the wind."
And so they went to the house.
Gem knocked on the door.
It opened a crack.
"Can I help you", came a voice from with in.
"Uh, yea we're lost and we need help," Gem said.
"Both physically and mentally," muttered Snape.
"Come in," the voice said with a sigh.
The door opened further and the being that possessed the voice appeared. And all the girls kinda of sighed as one.
"My name is Dorian Gray. Welcome to my home," he said.
Manda pushed past everyone, "Ah...ahem, thank you, Mr. Gray. I'm Amanda, the leader of this group of people. We are an evil group of people mind you, and we have encountered some...problems and perhaps you can help us."
"Perhaps. Follow me," Dorian said, "And please call me Dorian."
And so they did.
"That man is mine," Manda stated.
"No fair! You have 2," Arwen whined.
"Tut tut, I'm you leader so to speak, founder, I get who I want," Manda said.
"Ya know...Dorian kinda looks like Lestat, who looks like Stuart Townsend," Gem said.
Manda just grinned.
Dorian lead them to a large conference like room with a large table.
Dorian sat at the head with Manda on his right, she had pulled Lestat next to her and seemed to be trying to convince him that he should share her with Dorian. Next to Lestat was Gem, then Draco, Summer and Snape. Arwen had sat on Dorian's left and next to her was Tom Riddle and after that Voldemort. Becca and both Vaders came next. Then it was Ali and Crow and Eowynshue and who ever else I have forgotten.
"Now," said Dorian. "Tell me of your tale."
Everyone else kinda looked at each other.
"We don't really remember the beginning of the story," said Gem.
"Yeah..." Manda trailed off. "It was created a long time ago. I don't feel like revising the beginning of it just for your sake."
"Oh..." replied Dorian. "Ok...then, uh...could you tell me the jist of it at least?"
"Our friend Jorge turned into a hippo," said Ali, taking a drink from her glass. "From some jacked up cloning machine. And now he's become the One Ruling Clone-"
"The Clone of Doom, I believe it was," Voldemort corrected her with a snooty look upon his face. Becca threw her water goblet at him.
"Whatever," Ali shrugged. "Anyways, now we have to go to Mount Evil in Alaska and save him from Agent Elrond."
"But we don't exactly trust Agent Elrond," added Eowynshue. "He's a lil..."
"Fruity," said Snape.
"He wears a tiara, for Christ's sake," said Lestat. "Never trust a man with a tiara." Draco pouted.
"And how would you like for me to help you?" asked Dorian.
"It's been a long trip," Manda answered slyly. "If you really wanna help us, go into that back room with me for a few minutes."
"Too late," said Arwen. "Summer and Snape are already in there."
Everyone else shuddered.
"I don't know how it would even work," Voldemort said sourly. "Severus doesn't have a dick anyways."
"I thought he said that that was Alan Rickman, the actor who plays him in the HP movies, in that Dogma movie," Lestat replied slowly.
"Yes...actor...movie..." Voldy laughed. "Trust me, he has no dick."
"And how would you know?" asked a disgusted Becca.
Voldemort and Draco looked at each other with shifty eyes. "Uh, gee.." Voldemort replied hastily. "Shyuh...I don't know for sure...I mean...I uh...just heard...that he didn't. I never saw it, I just assumed-"
Becca threw Darth's water goblet at Voldy.
"Dorian," said a young Anakin, "Come to Mount Evil with us. We could use a few more men with us."
"Really?" scoffed Riddle. "I say that we should have more girls. There's only a handful of them..."
"Don't tell me that you consider Voldemort and Draco to be men?" retorted Ani.
"HEY!" yelled Tom. "Leave the older, more powerful me alone!"
Gem ate her cookies (yes there were cookies on the table) with anticipation. "I dunno..." she said to the two bickering, hot men. "I think that you guys should fight over it without any shirts on."
"Oh, I agree," came the mixture of replies from the other girls still at the table.
And so, Tom and Ani ripped off their shirts and began to wrestle. Draco smiled brightly, and stripped down to his underwear, and jumped in.
"EWWWWW! GET AWAY!" said Ani and Tom in utter disgust.
Soon, Draco was tossed to the corner of the room, and the shirtless fight continued on. The girls smiled.
"Hey Summer!" Manda yelled towards the back room. "You might wanna come see this."
Shortly, Summer appeared from the door of the back room, her hair a mess and her shirt on backwards.
"Jigga wha?" she asked. "Why...what's going-" She stood still. Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "OMG!" she squealed. "MY DREAM GUYS ARE FIGHTING WITH NO SHIRTS ON!"
"Dream guys?" scoffed Snape. "What about me? You dream man?"
"Oh please," Summer replied. "You just for making out. You don't even have a dick."
Snape glared at her, and with a loud pop, he was gone.
"Great," whined Voldy. "Another of my boys has left."
"Draco's still here," Eowynshue said, patting Voldy on the back.
They looked to the corner, only to see that Draco was, once again, gone.
"Come out from under that cloak, Draco!" Becca called out.
"Umm..." Gem said. She held up the invisibility cloak. Draco was still nowhere to be seen. A letter slowly fell from the jumble of cloth.
"A letter," said Manda. "What does it say?"
Gem began to read it aloud: "If you wish to see Bill or Draco ever again, meet me at Mount Doom. Signed, Agent Elrond."
"DAMNIT!" yelled Lestat, kicking over the table. "I KNEW WE SHOULD NEVER HAVE TRUSTED HIM AND HIS DAMN TIARA! AAAARG!" He began to flail his arms, and soon joined in the fight between Tom and Ani (ooooh lala lol).
Ali slumped over in her chair. "Draco, Bill, Jorge, Snape, and Snape's dick are nowhere to be found. We have too few of us left. Now what are we going to do?"
"Gentlemen...please...control yourselves," exclaimed Dorian.
"What! Are you crazy," said Manda who had a slightly glazed stare, "They are controlling themselves just fine. You should join them."
"Indeed," drooled Gem.
Becca banged a large hammer down on the table.
"Hey...you horndogs! We have the world to take over. This is no time to be staring at hot guys."
"Ahem...right," said Manda as she snapped out of it, "Boys...er...control yourselves for a moment."
And the guys ended the fighting.
"Soooo...now what," said Arwen.
Everyone looked around.
"I dunno...I'm kinda confused about the one hippo thingie," said Gem.
"Well, let's go to Mt. Evil and figure it all out from there," Summer said.
"Whooooo," screamed Darth, "Road trip."
"But we don't have the Evil Mobile," said Manda.
"Actually," Lestat said, "it's not that far. Look." And he pointed to a large map that was on a wall.
Sure enough on it it said My House, which would mean Dorian Gray's house. And just a bit north said Mt. Evil.
"I'd say it's about 10 miles," Ani said.
"Sweet...we can walk," said Becca.
"Walk...across Alaska. It's bloody cold," Gem whined.
"I can provide winter wear for you," Dorian said.
"Oh...why thank you," Manda cooed.
And so Dorian outfitted them in winter gear so no one would get frostbite in places that needn't get frostbit.
And they marched 10 miles to Mt. Evil.
At the base of the mountain the evil group encountered a slight problem.
Gandalf the Gray was there.
"You shall not pass," he bellowed.
"Man...this guy is annoying," Dorian said, "He's been smoking a little too much pipe weed."
"You shall NOT pass."
"Um...but...we have the proper amount for the toll," Ali said.
"You shall NOT PASS."
"Please mooooooooooove,' Arwen asked sweetly batting her lovely eyes.
"Yes, please," Voldemort added batting his eyes as well.
"You SHALL NOT PASS."
"What if we used a blinker," said Becca.
"We're not in a car...I don't think it will work," Summer said.
"What about hand signals?"
"Umm...I don't think so."
"YOU SHALL NOT PASS."
"We get the point," Gem said, "This guys is worse than Bill and his 'I knows'.
At the mention of Bill Ali began to weep.
Darth let her use his cape as a tissue.
Finally they gave up...
"Listen, bitch," Dorian said, "There's only room for one Gray in this part of Alaska, and so...you gots to go."
"Oooooooo! Dorian fight! Dorian fight," Manda cried as she clapped her hands with delight.
"Down girl," muttered Gem but she too looked excited.
And so Dorian Gray proceeded to kick Gandalf the Gray's ass.
It wasn't as lovely as men with no shirts...but anyone that likes to see a good ass kicking would have enjoyed it.
During this fight Arwen swooned, Gem and Summer shared a box of popcorn, Becca took pictures, Eowynshue cheered, Ail cried over Bill, and Manda watched with the glazed stare. And the rest of the evil guys played Go Fish.
Once the fighting stopped…
"Whew...damn. That was hot," Gem said with a sigh.
"Hmm...guys fighting is great," Summer agreed, "Needs to happen more often."
"What are we gonna do with this...dead body," Arwen asked.
Becca said, "Lestat can get some blood out of it if he needs it...otherwise we can just leave it."
"Yea," Ali said with a sniff, "No one lives out here, they'll never find it."
"Oh...are you hurt...let me make you better," Manda said to Dorian as she dragged him behind a snow bank.
Many minutes later they emerged.
"All better," Manda announced.
"Um, Manda you're wearing Dorian's parka...and he's wearing yours," Arwen said.
"Oops," Manda said with a grin.
"Um...I think I'm hurt," Lestat said as he pouted.
"Oh? I'll fix you too," Manda began.
"Oh no. We need to rescue people," Gem said, "He's a vampire, he'll live."
"Fine," Manda said with a sigh.
And they began their hike up the mountain.
It was a tough journey up the mountain. The evil group encountered hazards like wind, snow, rocks, and mountain goats.
"Damn goats," Gem muttered, "They're almost worse than hippos."
"Hippos are sweet, and kind, and wonderful, and lovely," Ali cried.
"Yea, we know," Gem said as she rolled her eyes.
Crow kicked Gem in the shins.
Finally they reached the top of the mountain.
And at the top...was a HUGE lake.
"What say we camp out here for the night", Becca suggested.
"Yea...I'm too tired to walk any further," Summmer groaned as she collapsed in a snowbank.
"Ya know," Arwen said, "We've been on this little journey for a long time. We should write a book when we finish."
"Yea. And then a movie could be made," Eowynshue said.
"Hmm...who would play me," Summer pondered.
"Natalie Portman," Arwen suggested.
"Nah, she has a huge head," replied Summer.
"Who'd play me," Lestat asked.
"Tom Cruise," Becca said.
"Stuart Townsend," Gem said at the same time.
"Tom Cruise," Becca shouted.
"Stuart Townsend," Gem yelled back.
"Tom Cruise!"
"Stuart Townsend!"
"Tom Cruise!"
"Stuart Townsend!"
"Tom!"
"Yes," asked Tom Riddle.
"Not you," Gem and Becca screamed.
"How about both," Manda suggested, "Afterall Lestat is so great that there should be more than one movie about him."
Lestat gave her a grateful hug and then they disappeared behind a snowbank for quite sometime.
"I think we should all play ourselves," Eowynshue said, "Like a documentary."
"Cool," Ail said, "A made for TV movie."
"But at this rate this adventure is never gonna end," Voldemort muttered darkly.
"Oh, and you have better ideas on how to rescue Bill," Anikin asked.
"No...not really," Voldy replied.
"That's what I thought," Anikin said, "Jerk."
"Bitch."
"Wanna fight?"
"Um...no guys don't fight," Ali said, "It's only cool if you do it with no shirts."
"And Voldemort with no shirt is nasty," Eowynshue added.
"Duh guys. This is the adventure that never end", Manda said as she came back from behind the snowbank, "Yes it goes on and on my friends, some people started out on it, not knowing what it was and they'll just keep on adventuring forever just because...it's the adventure..." And she continued singing...
And then Gem joined her.
"...that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend, some people started out on it, not knowing what it was and they'll just keep on adventuring forever just because...it's the adventure..."
And they sang and sang and sang and formed a chorus line and did high kicks.
"Shut up," screamed everyone else.
"Fine," Gem and Manda said as they flipped everyone else off.
Then they all just sat a bit in the snow.
And a polar bear walked by.
"Um, it's Alaska...and I'm cold," Summer said, "Can we get some fire here?"
"I can help with that," Lestat said. And with the Fire Gift he set a near by bush on fire.
And so they sat there for a bit more in the snow with the fire.
And then an other polar bear went by.
"Oy," Dorian said, "Look out on the lake, there's a boat or something."
"Hey, you're right," Becca said as she strained to see, "Wonder if it's the people with Bill and the others."
"It's comming this way," Manda said.
The group stood on the shore as the ship approached. Apparently the lake dropped off the deep water right away because the ship pulled up right to shore. A gangplank was dropped and some crew came ashore.
"'Ello. The captain wishes ya board da ship," said a manegy looking crewman.
"Ah, well, I suppose we should," Arwen said.
The others nodded in agreement. And they all followed them up to the ship.
"Aye, welcome to the Black Pearl," said a voice.
The group turned around.
"I'm Captian Barbossa," said the owner of the voice.
"Jack," Gem whispered excitedly.
"No, Jack's not evil enough," Manda mutted.
"Not Jack Sparrow," Gem hissed, "The monkey."
And sure enough on Barbossa's shoulder was a monkey.
"Aaaaah, monkeys. I hate monkeys," Ali said with a little shriek.
Gem just laughed.
"Now, what brings ya to these here parts," Barbossa asked.
"It's a rather long story," Arwen said.
"I'll tell it to ya if I can pet your monkey," Gem said.
Summer and Manda snickered.
"Me monkey? Love my monkey...love me...savvy," Barbossa said.
"Sure," Gem said with little sigh.
"Let's go to my cabin and ya can tell me yer story," Barbossa said, "And we'll see how we can help ya if we want...if not...we kill ya."
"Super," Voldemort muttered, "Murder."
Everyone followed Captain Barbossa to his cabin. Arwen leaned over and whispered to Manda as they walked:
"Why the freak is there a LAKE at the top of Mt. Evil?"
"Beats me. How can there be Anakin and Darth Vader? Who is Summer dating this week? When will our journey end? No one knows the answers to questions like these."
Arwen shrugged and they entered the Captain's Cabin. After everyone was seated around the big table, Barbossa stared at the girls for a moment, and then said "So…er what quest might ye be on? What has brought ye to the top of Mt. Evil?"
"Agent Elrond said we'd find Bill up here" said Manda.
"You mean William? William Turner? The one whose veins carry the pirate blood my crew needs to lift the curse which binds us to sail this lake forever? WHERE IS HE?"
Becca jumped out of her chair and shouted "ORLI?"
"NO! For heaven's sake, NOT this Turner chap. Bill-he's a hippo of doom. And he's also our friend, King Jorge. We want to save him." Summer spoke over all the excitement.
Just then, there was an annoying "voip" noise coming from Manda's wrist, and she looked at it.
"Hey guys-I've got a message on my wrist-phone."
"What the hell is that?" asked Gem.
"I didn't know you had one of those" said Ali.
"Me either." said Manda as she activated it. In a little view screen appeared the image of Agent Elrond, tiara and all.
"Listen to me, girls-this is crucial to your mission. Allow Barbossa to take you to the Cave of Pestilence, and there you will find the answers you seek. End Transmission."
And the girls shrugged and turned to the Captain.
"I was just on me way to the Cave of Pestilence-tis right across the lake." said Barbossa.
"Mmm pestilence" said Voldemort. Summer elbowed him in the gut.
"Dude, I get HBO on this thing!" said Manda, playing with her wrist thingy.
And the ship headed into the sunset towards the Cave…
And so the ship sailed.
And then it floated.
And it moved in a smooth motion.
And then it sailed again.
And finally they landed upon the shore before the Cave.
"Alright, ya varmints, off the ship," Barbossa yelled.
"In a minute," Manda yelled as she and Gem were watching My Best Friend Is A Vampire on HBO on Amanda's wrist phone.
"This is a stupid movie," Gem said.
"Ahem...remember our mission," Summer asked.
"Oh yea."
And so they all departed the ship.
And I mean all: Manda, Summer, Becca, Arwen, Eowynshue, Gem, Ali, Darth Vader, Anikin, Tom Riddle, Voldemort, Lestat, Dorian, Barbossa, Jack the Monkey, and Crow.
They all marched in a single file line and sang the theme song from Family Matters. Why did they sing that? Who knows. They are insane as well as evil.
And so they stood before the opening of the Cave of Pestilence.
And it was dark and icky in there.
"Eeeeew," Arwen screamed, "Like I am so totally not going in there. My new shoes will get so nasty in there. No way."
"I'll carry you," said Tom.
"I need carried too," Ali chimed in.
"Me too," Becca chirped.
"Oy. Males…you carry us females," Summer commanded.
But then the guys whined and cried like a bunch of babies.
So…no one carried no one.
And Arwen had to get her precious shoes dirty.
"Hey people," Eowynshue said, "Do we know where to go in the Cave?"
"No," Manda said, "We need a map."
She turned to Barbossa.
Barbossa looked at Jack the Monkey.
Jack screeched at Tom.
Tom looked in puzzlement at Becca.
Becca peered at Darth Vader.
Darth had a coughing attack.
"I guess we have no map," Gem said.
"We have a map of the cave," a voice said.
The group looked to the sound of the voice.
There were two men.
"We are two men," one of the men said, "I am Robert. But you may call me Bobert."
"And I am Spike," said the other, "You may call me Spike."
"And we," they said together, "Are Spike and Bobert."
At this introduction Manda laughed till she threw up, Gem swooned, Summer turned glazed eyed, Arwen raised an eyebrow or two, Becca giggle, Eowynshue snickered, Ali's mouth dropped open, Crow smirked, Vader weezed, Anikin snorted, Voldemort danced, Tom fainted, Lestat glared, and Dorian had a blank expression.
When everyone had recovered…
"So, you have a map," Manda asked.