'A Stroke of Luck' is a song by Garbage, and I do not claim to have any affiliation with the production for any of Garbage's work, as well as 'Furuba', which belongs to Natsuki Takaya.
Warnings: Akito-ness in general.
Summary: I live to die. I am a burden, and I recognize and acknowledge that fact. (Akito centric, demented thoughts, implied Yukiru and AkitoxYuki, song-fic, first person, possible slight OOC, takes place after the end of Furuba.)
A/N: Woot. My first Furuba fic. I could ramble on about how much I love Akito and how stupid the haters are but, have no fear, I won't. Oh, yeah, the story. Whilst I was listening to my lovely play-list I realized how much the majority of the songs fit perfectly into his interesting personality. For example, Garbage's 'A Stroke of Luck' is a fine example of the morbid romance that Akito's life is. I'll stop rambling now. Well, this isn't a one-shot if all goes accordingly and I don't die within the next month. A collection of one-shots. Woot. R&R please.
A Stroke of Luck
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Hanging by threads of palest silver
I could have stayed that way forever
Bad blood and ghosts wrapped tight around me
Nothing could ever seem to touch me
They all think that they are safe. As soon as he dies, they think, we will finally be happy. I am a burden. A liability. And, you know what? I'm fine with that fact. They can suffer for all I care. It's the dying that bothers me. No, it's the living to die part that bothers me. I want to live. Oh good God how I want to live. I want to be away from those sick bastards. I want to take Yuki and run, run as far away as my weak legs will take me. Make that little girl's heart break in realization that Yuki will never return. No, make her entirely break. Out of all of the people I hate, I certainly hate her the most. What makes them love her so much? What is to love? She's a naïve little oblivious-to-the-real world wench who deserves to pay. Pay for my sins, for I have committed countless ones.
I lose what I love most
Did you know I was lost until you found me?
They wonder why I hate her so much. They wonder why I degrade her in public; why I detest her with every fiber of my dying body.
Well, 'they're' idiots.
Isn't it obvious? Isn't it painfully obvious how much I love my Yuki? Oh, God how I love him… How I love to break him. He heals so easily, and breaks just as so. He didn't used to recover that quickly. It took time; no, it took her. It took that little whore. I was disgusted, at first glance, but then realized the only reason he gazes at her so fondly is because of me. Because I allow her to heal his heart, as painful as it is for me. I do it because it's so very fun. It's a sadistic and sick form of pleasure, but terribly delicious none the less. It's almost as if I'm holding an orb made of glass. A beautiful, perfectly rounded little orb. And, if I drop it, it will shatter. Her memories will shatter. He will shatter. And, oh how beautiful the shattered glass will look when I finally do act upon my darkest wishes.
A stroke of luck or a gift from God?
The hand of fate or devil's claws?
From below or saints above?
You came to me
But, despite my never ending hatred for his taste in lovers, I still love him. And I will always love to break him. And, whether I have to force it on him or not, he loves me too. He is, after all, my angel, born from the lack of faith in my heart. Born from my utter hatred- my very soul. His eyes- you can see, look exactly like mine. If not colour, by size. By shape. They look like that because I have gifted my love with experience; with the pain of the real world. He has seen what I have, and he understands the darkest of truths, for he has, after all, seen them first hand.
Unnamed God help me, I love my Yuki.
Here comes the cold again
I feel it closing in
It's falling down and
All around me falling
Day after day, week after week, month after month, season after season, year after each God-forsaken year, I wait. This is my life. My fucked up life is made up entirely of time. Of blood, death, time, and pain. And, somehow, out of all of these factors, time is the worst. Because it's endless. Pain will pass, blood will dry and flake, and eventually death will envelope me, but time is taunting. It's driving me mad. Every minute- every second I spend without my love is killing me all the faster. Every moment that I can't tease him, that I can't hurt him, that I can't feel him is destroying the thread of sanity that remains in this wise mind of mine. And God knows I need that sanity to keep me alive. I don't want to die yet. I can't die before breaking him that one final time. I need him to experience the final step- loss. I need him to suffer for me, to live the rest of his days out without the one he loves, just as I have. I require him to carry on my legacy by filling his heart with rage and malice- a thirst for my pain that can never be quenched until he is burning in hell alongside me. And then I need him to hit me. I need him to hit me so hard I scream; I want to hear him scream my name when he's finally acting upon the hatred that he had felt for so many years.
I want to suffer under his hand for a change.
You say that you'll be there to catch me
Or will you only try to trap me
These are the rules I make
Our chains were meant to break
You'll never change me
Yuki, my lovely Yuki, do you care for me? Does a microscopic amount of pity still remain in those beautiful deep eyes of yours? Do you think of me when on the verge of sleep? Does my raspy voice fill and haunt your ears when deep in thought, Yuki?
Yuki, my God, do you wish for my demise, too?
Of course you do. Everyone does. And, even if you are special, even if you are my love, I'm sure that you're no exception to those cold and morbid wishes. I understand, Yuki, my love. I understand that I trouble you, that I hold you down. But it's because I love you that I destroy every inch of humanity in your poor darling soul. If I could stop hurting you I swear I would, but I can't, and you know that. Remember, it's because I love you that I hurt you so.
Well, enough with this ridiculous angst.
Here comes the cold again
I feel it closing in
You're falling down and
All around me falling
Hatori, he isn't as close to me as you, Yuki. He is but an annoyance to me. His medication does not relieve the pain I feel, whether it be emotional or physical. It simply numbs or sometimes dulls the feeling, which seems, to me, to be quite a waste. The pain, although torturous, is educational. It's teaching me how cruel the world outside is- how cold the people are. But, Yuki, dare I ramble yet again, you are and always were different. When you were small I noted the sympathy in your big, wide eyes, I noted the love you had for life. I needed, from that moment on, to crush that hope. I needed to crush it before someone else did, for I would do it all the while loving you, Yuki. And, after the first time, that love that I had broken, I noticed, had re-grown. I was amazed, and determined to crush it again, so I did. Then it was back without warning. It became a ritual to me, to break my love.
But when you met her everything changed. Not only did your heart heal quicker, but it was harder for me to break. Oh, Yuki, how this changed me. I realized how much I'd missed in this hell-hole, how much I miss you, my lovely.
Stroke of luck or a gift from God?
Hand of fate or devil's claws?
From below or saints above?
You come to me now
You don't seem to care as much when I demand obedience. When I snap, snarl, growl, scream, or hit, you don't seem to care. Do you know how much that hurts my feeble heart? It's terribly hypocritical of me to say, but I don't want your pity, either.
I want your love, my Yuki.
But she has it. No, she stole it, that filthy wench.
She looks at you with those disgustingly huge eyes filled with compassion and smiles, and you smile back. It makes me want to tear the lips off of your perfect face when you smile at her, Yuki, but I won't, because your smile makes me want to kiss you, and if only you would direct such a childish sign of emotion at me…
But you don't, and chances are that until I'm dead and buried, you won't.
You're just as sick as I am, Yuki. Psychologically, at least. You want to see me cry, too. You want to see me writhe in pain as I lay dying; you want it just as much as I want to hear your scream.
Don't ask me why
Don't even try
And Yuki, my God, you must know that I certainly want to hear you scream.
A stroke of luck or a gift from God?
The hand of fate or devil's claws?
From below or saints above?
You came to me
The light which I used to love is beginning to burn my eyes. I still resent the rain, though. There is no peace for me, my love, Yuki. I need to reach the sanctuary that I have sought for so long, the sanctuary I will hold with you. Where their fearful glares don't haunt me in my dreams, as well as my night-mares.
I don't trust my family anymore. I know them too well to trust them anymore.
I now understand their hatred for me, I understand why.
Here comes the cold again
I feel it closing in
It's falling down and
All around me falling
It's because I am a liability. A burden, even to you, my love, Yuki.
And my love for you is a burden; but a liability, so I will act upon this burden the only way that I know how.
I will break you.
Falling, falling
Falling, falling
Falling, falling.