I wish I could say something
instead of sitting here numb.
I wish my mind, I wish my mind
was not such a loaded gun…"
--Dog's Eye View
Ryan wanted to sleep. The drugs they were giving him wanted him to sleep. His eyes were even closed. But he couldn't.
He had slid over to one side of the hospital bed to allow space for Summer's petite body. She had fallen into a restless sleep a few minutes earlier after the nurse had left.
Seth was in ICU. Seth's lungs weren't working. Seth was in ICU.
He'd done all he could. He had to make himself believe that. He'd gotten Seth out of the fire. He'd…he wasn't supposed to be hurt, he wasn't supposed to be not breathing when he'd put him down in the driveway…none of this was supposed to happen.
He was supposed to protect Seth. It had never been said to him outright…but he knew that it was his job. Seth was a naïve soul, he was impulsive and innocent and never thought about the consequences of his actions…he was pure and Ryan was supposed to make sure that he never got hurt. It's what brothers were supposed to do.
He'd failed. Seth was hurt. He was damaged now. Even if he did recover…he'd never be the same. He had lung damage. That's not something a band aid or a prescription could fix. His lungs were damaged.
If he died…he shook off the thought. He couldn't think about that. Seth wouldn't die. He couldn't…he was Seth…Seth was too…he couldn't die.
The door opened and Caleb walked in.
"What?" Ryan asked immediately, reading his face. He knew something had happened.
"Ryan…I don't really know how to say this, son, but…"
"Oh god…he's dead?" Summer sat up.
Caleb didn't reply immediately.
"No. No way…" Ryan said, swinging his feet off the bed and pulling his IV out as he stood up.
"Ryan, don't…" Caleb started.
He dropped the oxygen mask on the bed and ignored the loud beeping that started going off. "No way."
"They did everything they could, his lungs were just too damaged and…" Caleb said
"I don't believe you…" Ryan said, starting for the door. Summer grabbed him by the arm.
"Wait, Chino, just chill…" she said with tears in her throat.
"I'm sorry, Ryan…get back into bed…" Caleb said, taking him by his other arm.
"Dead? He can't be dead…he can't…"
"Come on, Ryan, before the nurses come back," Summer urged.
Ryan couldn't be here. Seth was dead. Kirsten and Sandy had lost their son. He couldn't be here. How could he see Kirsten and Sandy when Seth was dead? How could he comfort them when Seth was dead?
"Ryan…" Caleb started again, trying to calm him down.
"I have to get out of here…" he said and walked past Caleb into the hallway. "I can't be here…"
"You can't leave, Ryan, the doctors haven't cleared you, Kiki and Sandy, they'll be down in a few minutes…" Caleb called after him.
He couldn't be here. He couldn't be here. Seth was dead. Seth Cohen was dead. He had to get out of here…
"Ryan, Ryan, where are you going, what's wrong?" Lindsay invaded his senses and suddenly she was holding him still by the wrists.
"I can't be here…" he said. He tried to free his arms…
"You're in a gown, Ryan, where are you going?" Lindsay asked, not letting him go.
"I can't…I can't be here right now…"
"Ryan. Come back to bed, okay? I'll get Sandy for you…" Caleb said, behind him.
"No…I have to go…" he said. Why wasn't anyone listening to him?
"Caleb…what's going on?" Marissa asked.
"Seth…Seth didn't make it…" Caleb told her quietly.
"Oh god…Ryan…" Lindsay gasped.
Ryan pulled away and tried to leave again. Caleb, Lindsay and Marissa all stopped him, he had hands on his arms and shoulders keeping him still.
"Ryan…just stop for a minute…please…" Lindsay urged. "Please, just stop…"
And he stopped. Seth was dead. Everything would stop.
He felt the prick in his neck as the nurse injected him with something and then everything went dark again.
------ - - ----------- - -- ----------- - ----------- --------- - -- ------------ - ---------------- -- ----------------
"Kiki?" Caleb's voice broke through her sobbing.
"Dad?" She turned away from Sandy for a moment and looked up at him.
He wished that he could take away her pain. But he knew after losing his wife that there was nothing that he could do to make her better. His grandson was dead and no amount of money or favors in the world could bring him back.
He squeezed her shoulder and glanced at Sandy who was staring unblinkingly at the wall with his arms linked on Kirsten's lower back. Sandy hadn't said a word since they'd gone to see Seth's body.
"Where'd you go?"
"I went to check on Ryan…" he started. He'd never taken a liking to the boy but he had to admit that Seth had loved him like a brother. And Ryan had acted like one. Ryan had saved his family tonight and he'd always be indebted to him.
"Did you tell him?"
Caleb nodded. He'd told him…he just didn't know how much the boy had processed before they'd sedated him.
"How'd he take it?" Kirsten asked, wiping tears off her face as she disentangled herself from Sandy.
"Well…he's sleeping now…"
"Dad?"
"He's pretty upset…he tried to take off but we stopped him. Lindsay and Marissa are with him now, and Summer…" Caleb replied, sitting down beside her.
"Oh god…I forgot all about Summer…"
"Her father's coming back in a few hours…she'll be fine…how are you doing?"
"I just…I can't believe it…we just saw him last night…we were home…and now…I just can't believe he was gone…we didn't even get to say goodbye…" she said, the tears starting up again. She turned to Sandy who was still staring at the wall. "Sandy? Sandy, please look at me…"
"What do you want me to do?" Caleb asked gently.
"Can you give us a few minutes alone? Stay with Ryan? I…I don't want to lose another son and this is going to kill him…will you stay with him until we come down?"
"Sure…"
"I need to see him…but I can't see him yet," she added. "It's just too soon…"
Caleb didn't really understand what she meant, but he'd obey her wishes. He stood up and walked toward the door.
"Sandy, please, say something…please…" Kirsten's voice haunted him as he walked out.
This was going to kill her. He knew it. He'd seen her over the summer when Seth was in Portland and she had been distraught. This was going to break her.
Sandy was already broken.
There was nothing Caleb could do but what she asked. He owed her that much. He'd lost his grandson and he barely knew him. He had to be here for his daughter.
------ - - ----------- - -- ----------- - ----------- --------- - -- ------------ - ---------------- -- ----------------
"Summer?"
"Yeah?"
"You want to go for a walk or something?"
Coop was being so nice. It was one of the few times since her mother had left that Coop was actually coming through for her. She'd always been drawn to the self-absorbed and Coop was a lot like…Cohen. Cohen was dead. Cohen was dead, Chino was flipping out and Coop was the steadiest person in the room. It was the Twilight Zone.
"No…I think I want to just sit here…is that alright?" she replied.
"Yeah…but could you get off the floor? The nurses think we're all crazy and that's usually reserved just for me," Marissa said.
"Oh, god…" Summer realized that she was sitting in the corner of Ryan's room. After the nurse had knocked him out and they'd carried him back to his room, she'd lost track of things between sobbing uncontrollably and trying to catch her breath. She let Marissa help her to her feet.
Lindsay gave her a weak smile from beside the bed. She was sitting as close to Ryan as she could get without being in bed with him and she'd unstrapped him as soon as the nurses had left. None of them could take seeing him strapped down…but she didn't think any of them could take him running off again, either. Chino was supposed to be the calm and controlled one…even though he was known for punching people, he was supposed to be the stable one.
But nothing was stable now.
She'd spent all those months being mad at Cohen for what? Just to lose him like this? They'd made love just a few hours earlier and it'd been perfect…he loved her and she loved him and everything was the way it was supposed to be. Now he was dead and what was she?
"Summer, everything's going to be okay, your dad's on his way to get you and I'll go with you home so you don't have to be alone," Marissa said as they settled into a chair. Marissa was so skinny that they shared the same one and she kept her arm around her.
"I don't want to go home. I want to stay here. I should be here…" she said.
"Summer…there's nothing that you can do…" Coop replied slowly.
"Cohen wouldn't want to leave Ryan…" she whispered.
"He won't be alone," Lindsay said from across the room.
"I just feel like I need to be here…can I stay?" Summer asked.
"You can do whatever you want, Sum…I just want to make sure that you're okay…"
"It's like…Chino's his best friend…I feel close to Cohen when I'm here…" Summer whispered.
Marissa smoothed her hair and gave her a smile. "Okay, Sum. We're staying right here until you tell me differently…"
"Thanks, Coop…" Summer said, trying not to cry again. She didn't know what she was going to do now…she'd learned to live without Cohen but they'd promised each other last night that it would never happen again, that they'd never be apart again…and now, not even six hours later, she was alone. All alone again.
"It'll be okay…we'll get through this…" Marissa whispered, rocking her gently.
"Ryan?" Lindsay's voice startled them both.
"What happened?" His voice was still hoarse and his blue eyes were glazed when he looked over at Lindsay.
"You tried to make a run for it…are you going to behave?" Lindsay asked, standing up and brushing his hair out of his face.
"I…oh god…" Ryan closed his eyes and turned his head away.
"Ryan…it's going to be all right…" Lindsay said.
"How can you say that? Seth is dead…oh god…"
Summer burst into tears again despite herself. She'd never heard Chino sound like that…so upset…
Marissa pulled her close.
"Ryan…you have to relax, don't try and leave again, it's not going to help anyone if you run, where will you go?" Lindsay was pleading and when Summer glanced up she saw that Ryan was sitting on the edge of the bed, ready to bolt.
"I can't stay here…not now…" he said.
Summer pulled away from Marissa and went to his side. She didn't care that she was crying too much to talk, she just had to do something. Seth would never forgive her if she let something happen to Ryan. She ignored Lindsay and wrapped her arms around him.
"Summer…stop it…Summer…"
She held him tightly despite his struggling. As much as Seth envied his strength, she knew that he wasn't fighting with all his energy.
"Summer…stop…"
"No, Chino…he's dead and there's nothing we can do…you can't flip out…I won't let you…" Summer managed, holding him as tightly as she could.
He didn't say anything but he seemed to deflate. Summer realized that Lindsay and Marissa were behind her as she finally released him.
Lindsay reached past her and pulled him into her arms. He wasn't crying, but his eyes were closed and he was breathing rapidly. Finally, he reached around and pulled her close.
"It's a start," Marissa whispered in Summer's ear, leading her a few steps back from the bed.
"He's so upset…"
"Have you seen yourself lately?" Marissa asked with a sad grin. "I think it's going around…" She pulled Summer close and they both cried quietly while they watched Lindsay hold Ryan.