"Sandy? Sandy…"
"Hmm?" He blinked. Seth was dead.
"Sandy."
He looked at his wife. She was so sad and…
"Sandy?"
Worried. She was worried about him. "I'm listening…Kirsten?"
"You haven't said anything…for hours, Sandy…are you…are you back with me?"
She needed him, he realized. He glanced at the clock in the waiting room. It had been 2 hours and 24 minutes since he found out that his son was dead. "I'm sorry, Kirsten…" He embraced her.
He had to snap out of it. Kirsten needed him.
And Ryan.
"Where's Ryan?"
"He's downstairs…Dad's with him, and the girls," Kirsten said.
"I lost it for a minute…but I'm here now…how are you?"
"I'm okay…better now that you're talking to me," she smiled sadly.
"We have to see Ryan…does he know?"
"Dad told him…" Kirsten looked away and he couldn't read her for a minute.
He took her hand. "What's wrong?"
"I…I don't think I can see him…I need to, but…I…I'm not ready…" she whispered.
"Kirsten…"
"He's going to be so upset and I love him, Sandy, I do…but he's not my son…and he can't see that right now…I can't let him see that…I have to get myself together first…"
"Oh, Kirsten…" He didn't know what to say…
"I'm such a bad person…"
"No, Kirsten, you're not…" He pulled her close. He could never fault her for honesty. He loved her too much.
And he knew how she felt…but…Ryan was all he had left. He was just a kid, his only kid now…
"Go see him, make sure he's okay," Kirsten said, her eyes pleading.
"I'm not leaving you…"
"Will you…will you get my Dad? I'll come with you to the waiting room down there…and I'll join you and Ryan in a little while…" she nodded.
"Okay…you won't go anywhere without telling me, right?" He had to ask…
"No, Sandy, we have to stay close. I want to see Ryan so much but…I don't want him to see…"
"It's okay…let's go…he'll understand…"
She stood up first and when he got to his feet, he felt…like he'd stood up for the first time. And he had…the first time since he lost his son…
Seth was dead.
As they walked, the concept escaped him.
Seth.
He was born with a full head of curls.
He said his first word at 9 months. 'Egomaniac.'
The only Chrismukkah present he'd ever openly asked for was a skateboard.
He'd watched the Goonies for 26 hours straight when he was ten.
Seth was dead.
"Sandy?" Kirsten's hand was warm in his. Kirsten. She had always been his life…before Seth and…and now.
"We're here." They were outside a different waiting room.
"Kirsten?" Julie Cooper-Nichol appeared.
"Julie…" Kirsten sighed, but Sandy could tell that she was relieved.
"I'm so sorry, what can I do?" Julie looked between them, genuinely sympathetic.
"I'm going to see Ryan, can you stay with Kirsten until I send Caleb out?" Sandy asked.
"Of course, come on, Kirsten…you should sit down," Julie said immediately, putting her arm around her and leading her into the waiting room.
Sandy glanced around. He didn't know which room was Ryan. What kind of parent was he? He didn't even know where his surviving son was…
"Sanford?" Caleb appeared.
"Caleb. Kirsten needs you, Julie just took her in there, where's Ryan?" He asked.
"I'll take you. Are you all right?"
"Kirsten…" he stopped himself. "I spaced for a while, but I'm okay. How are you?"
"God, don't worry about me…take care of yourself or Kiki, god, take care of Ryan, don't worry about me…" Caleb said. They stopped outside of a room.
"How's he doing?"
"Bad. He keeps trying to leave. Lindsay and Summer have finally calmed him down," Caleb admitted. "The doctors gave him some valium but he won't go to sleep…"
"Thank you, Caleb."
"I'll take care of Kirsten. When Ryan's ready, I'll take you all home. I'll take care of everything."
"Caleb…" Sandy was stunned.
"Kirsten's my daughter. You're my son. Why do you think I give you so much hell? I'll be here for you like you've been here for me. Take care of the boy and don't worry about anything except your family right now." Caleb turned away before Sandy could respond.
He pushed open the door.
"Mr. Cohen?" Summer was beside the door.
"How are you?" He asked immediately. She looked awful…she looked young. He embraced her delicately. She had loved Seth. She probably knew Seth better than he did.
"I…I miss him. And you?"
"I'll be okay." He saw Ryan.
The boy was lying on his side with Lindsay holding both his hands. His chest was rising and falling rapidly. Marissa was rubbing his back, up and down the bare skin of his back between the folds of his robe.
"Chino's not taking it so well," Summer whispered, pulling him to the bed.
Ryan's blue eyes found him finally and he grimaced as if Sandy was hurting him simply by his presence. "No…"
"Ryan," Lindsay said immediately.
Sandy was beside him now. He reached out and cupped Ryan's face in his hands. Ryan froze, his eyes desperate. Sandy didn't know what was running through Ryan's head but the boy was distraught. "Stop," he said and Ryan didn't move.
"Sandy…" Ryan whispered.
"Stop." Sandy held his gaze. Ryan waited for him to release him. "It's not your fault. Seth…you were his brother, you are his brother, my son, my…"
"No, let me go…no, shut up…" Ryan pulled away desperately.
"Ryan, stop…" Sandy caught him by his wrists, forcing him to stay on the bed. "Talk to me…"
"Not Seth…not Seth, let me go…I can't, I don't…"
"I know," Sandy said, trying to understand…he knew how much Ryan was hurting but he'd never seen him like this…
"I can't…Sandy, please…" Ryan's voice was strained, like he was in physical pain. "Let me go…"
"No." He vaguely registered the girls behind him. Lindsay's tears were hiccups but Marissa and Summer were openly sobbing.
"Ryan, there's nothing you can do. Think about Seth and what he would want…"
"He wouldn't want to be alone, I can't let…it's not true, tell me the truth…"
"I'm sorry…Seth's gone…" He felt Ryan stop struggling but he didn't let go of his wrists.
Ryan shook his head, his blue eyes glazed in disbelief. "No."
"Ryan. I'm still here. Kirsten's still here. We'll take care…"
"But Seth…Seth means everything…" Ryan whispered.
"There's nothing that I can say to make this easier, son…"
"Let me go," Ryan said. "Let go of me…"
"Not until you calm down, Ryan…you know I'd never hurt you, right? You know I'm not trying to hurt you…" Sandy said, keeping his voice as calm as he could. He didn't know what to do, he hadn't imagined that Ryan would react like this, it was like he was an injured animal and he didn't want anyone near him…
"Sandy…please…" Ryan murmured, distraught.
"Mr. Cohen…you're hurting him," Lindsay whispered, appearing on the other side of the bed.
Sandy realized that he'd tightened his grip when the boy had started to struggle again and he let go.
"Honey, just relax, you have to relax…" Lindsay gave Sandy an apologetic smile as she captured Ryan's attention by ignoring his discomfort and rubbing his arms to calm him.
"I can't…" he murmured.
"Shh…you did it before…look at me and take slow, deep breaths, okay?" Lindsay said soothingly.
Sandy turned away. He couldn't even comfort the son he had left…he was in so much pain, he was so upset and he didn't know what to do…
He was the grown up here. Ryan was only 16 and no matter how mature he acted, he was only a kid.
"Shh…see? I knew you could do it…" Lindsay's voice was soft.
"I'm sorry, Sandy…" Ryan whispered.
Sandy turned around, relieved. He studied Ryan's face.
Ryan swallowed thickly but his breathing was visible controlled. "I just…I can't wrap my head around it and I'm…I'm flipping out…"
"Ryan, we'll be right outside, okay?" Lindsay kissed his forehead and led Summer and Marissa into the hallway.
"What are we going to do, Sandy? Without Seth? I…"
Sandy sat down and took Ryan's hand. His palm was rough and warm in his. "I don't know, Ryan. It's going to be touch but we'll figure it out…what do the doctors say?"
"They gave me something to…to calm me down, I guess. I'm a little out of it but…I don't know, Sandy…everything feels so wrong…"
"You need to rest, Ryan. You have to rest. Close your eyes and…"
"I don't want to be here anymore, Sandy…"
Sandy squeezed his hand. "You have to let the doctors make sure you're okay…"
"Okay," Ryan sighed.
"Rest. I'll be here when you wake up."
"Lindsay's here. You need to rest, too," Ryan said quietly.
Sandy didn't think he could sleep right now. He didn't know if he'd ever sleep again.
------- - - -- ------- -- - - -------------- - ---------------- -- -------------------------------- - --- ----
"Lindsay, thank you for staying." Ryan's eyes were lucid for the first time in hours.
"Oh, Ryan, I am completely here for you…you look better," she said honestly, going to his side and taking his hand. Marissa had finally convinced Summer to go home with her father and Julie had taken Kirsten and Sandy to the house to get showered and changed. Caleb was settling Ryan's bills while she stayed with him.
"The drugs finally kicked in and I got some sleep. Where've you been?"
"The waiting room."
Ryan was quiet. He sighed. They'd taken him off the mask but he still had a tube of oxygen in his nose. He looked at her and she recognized the raw emotion on his face. "Can I tell you something? And…"
"I won't tell anyone, Ryan…"
Ryan shuddered and sat up. "Kirsten doesn't want to see me…"
"No, Ryan…" but Lindsay couldn't lie. Her sister was upset and she'd basically admitted that she didn't feel strong enough to see him.
"Sandy wouldn't come right out and say it…but I know…I mean…it's like she knows that it should've been me…"
"What?" Lindsay gasped.
"I mean, Seth's her son…she raised him, she made him and all those people cared about him and I don't have any of that…I mean…why Seth and not me?" Ryan murmured. "You have to admit it's not fair…"
"Ryan, don't say that…" Lindsay had to make him stop thinking like this…
"I just need…I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how to act…" Ryan said.
She didn't know what to tell him and all words left her.
"Like, if I go to Caleb's then I might upset Kirsten but where else am I supposed to go?"
"Sandy wants you there," Lindsay said.
"Can you do me a big favor?" He asked suddenly.
"What?"
"Talk to Caleb…feel him out and see if I'll upset her…I…I'm just so messed up right now that I couldn't take upsetting her…please?"
"Ryan…okay…I'll talk to him. If you really don't want to go, you can come home with me…" she offered without considering her mother. Her mother wouldn't turn Ryan away.
"Okay…I just…I want to make this as easy for them as I can…"
"What about you?" she countered softly.
"I'll be okay. I'm better than I was. Seth's dead, though, so I'm not okay yet…"
The door opened and Caleb stepped in.
"Sleep a few minutes. I'll be right back."
"Thanks," Ryan gave her a weak smile.
She turned to Caleb. Even now, talking to him made her stomach cramp with anxiety. But Ryan needed her to do this. "Can I talk to you?"
"Sure." Caleb glanced at Ryan for a split second. Ryan nodded and closed his eyes.
Lindsay closed the door behind them as they stepped into the hallway.
"What's wrong?" Caleb asked immediately.
"Ryan wanted me to talk to you. About Kirsten…" she said slowly.
"Oh." Caleb looked as nervous as she felt.
"She hasn't been to see him yet and I know you heard her talking about how…she's not ready and even though Ryan hasn't seen her yet, he senses it," Lindsay explained.
"What did he say?"
Lindsay didn't want to go into details. "He wants to know what to do. He doesn't want to go to your house if you think it'll upset her…and I don't know what to tell him." Lindsay was torn. She loved Kirsten and Ryan. But she was bound to Ryan in a different way.
"God…you and I both know that Kirsten loves him…but she's really upset right now."
"I can take him to my house. Until she's better. What about that?"
"Sandy wants him close…" Caleb replied, but she could tell he was considering it. "My house is really big…"
"What should I tell him?" Lindsay asked.
"I'll call Sandy. See how Kirsten is…"
"She left without even talking to him…" Lindsay said.
Caleb sighed. "Okay. I'll call your mother. He'll have everything he needs. I'll drive you both there."
"Thank you."
------- - - -- ------- -- - - -------------- - ---------------- -- -------------------------------- - --- ----
"Ryan? We're here."
He squeezed Lindsay's hand before she stepped out of Caleb's car.
"You okay, Ryan?"
He nodded to Caleb. The man was being unbelievably nice and it was only adding to Ryan's spiraling thoughts.
He was tired and Seth was dead. Kirsten couldn't stand the sight of him and Caleb was civil.
Seth was dead.
"Ryan? Come on in, Ryan." Renee opened the door and smiled at him.
He stepped out and she put her arm around his waist.
"We'll get you a shower and some food, okay? You can rest and worry about everything tomorrow after you get some rest," Renee smiled as she led him to the porch.
"Renee. I'll call you as soon as I talk to Sandy…" Caleb called from the car.
"We'll take care of him," Lindsay said.
Ryan was grateful when he stepped inside. "Thank you for…"
"Nonsense. You're welcome here, Ryan. Anything we can do," Renee said.
"I'll show you the guestroom, Ryan."
He hadn't even realized when Lindsay had taken his hand again. She led him to their small guest room.
"Lindsay…"
"I'm here if you need to talk, I'll listen but…if you need me to be quiet with you, I can do that, too…"
He pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her. He needed her. She was coming through for him in ways that he'd never wanted her to have to. "You are so great…but I'm going to shower and then crash. You should sleep, too."
"I'll be here when you're done with your shower. You're stuck with me until at least after you eat."
"Okay."
"There's towels there and Caleb had some clothes sent and they're there, too. Don't take too long, okay?" she said.
"Why, I'll use all the hot water?" he attempted to joke but he couldn't smile.
"No. I just don't want you to be alone. You scared me trying to run off before…"
He sighed. "I'm sorry…but Seth…he's the best friend I ever had and…I'm not sure I can do this…" Ryan said.
"You can." She kissed his cheek and released him. "I'll be here for you."
"Thanks."
She smiled at him. "I know you're hurting and upset. But I am really, really glad you're okay. And I know that you did everything you could. Now. Get cleaned up…"
He turned around and saw Renee enter. "Ryan. Here," she said, holding out a bottle of water.
He accepted the small blue pill.
"Doctor's orders," Lindsay whispered.
He swallowed it obediently. If he slept, he needed the drugs. Because every time he closed his eyes he saw Seth.
"Thanks. I won't be long."
------- - - -- ------- -- - - -------------- - ---------------- -- -------------------------------- - --- ----
Kirsten registered Sandy's raised voice but couldn't hear his words.
Her dad's bed was soft and the tea Julie had made her was still steaming from the nightstand.
She could hear Seth's voice in her head, snarking about having to stay with his granddad and Julie.
But he'd never say anything again.
No more Chrismukkah. No more Seth Cohen video-game training sessions.
No more Seth.
She'd finally connected with him after Ryan had come. He'd shut down around age 11 and barely spoken to her or Sandy.
But he'd come back to her. She knew his life. His inexplicable attraction to comic books. His love for Summer Roberts. His adoration and respect for his father.
She also knew that he'd hate her for not checking on Ryan.
She remembered the pure elation on his face when they'd broached the subject of becoming Ryan's legal guardians.
"I always wanted a brother. Thank you so much…" He'd said, hugging her.
She loved him so much.
She hoped he knew.
"He should be here, Cal!" Sandy's words were loud and she winced despite herself.
The door opened and she recognized Sandy's sigh.
"Your mother's on the way, a car's meeting her at the airport. Hailey's flying in and Jimmy's almost here. Get some rest, Sanford."
"Thanks, Caleb."
"I'm taking care of the boy. You take care of her," her father said.
Sandy closed the door.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"Nothing. I'm just tired. Let's sleep."
Kirsten accepted his arms around her.
"I love you."
"I love you, too," she whispered. She held onto him. They held onto each other.
------- - - -- ------- -- - - -------------- - ---------------- -- -------------------------------- - --- ----
Marissa rolled over and realized that Summer was gone.
They'd always shared a bed for sleepovers and even though Summer hogged the covers and there were rumors that she snored like a monster, it was a tradition.
"Sum?"
Summer was still in her pajamas but she was on her knees under her desk, pulling at the cords on her computer.
"Summer? What's wrong?"
"Stupid Cohen…" Summer muttered, crying. "He's so fucking stupid…"
"Summer…" she started, going to her side.
"Ever since I hung up on him in July when he was in Portland, I've been getting these email cards…apologizing and saying all these mushy things…he must have programmed it to email me every day because…" she hiccupped quietly before continuing, "because I just got another one and…he's so stupid…"
Marissa hugged her. "What can I do?"
"I'm a mess…I don't know…"
"I know you loved him…"
"We wasted so much time…we made love tonight and…"
"Summer…"
"No, I have to talk about it…"
"Okay," Marissa said immediately. "I'm listening…" Summer was her best friend and had always been there for her. She had to do whatever she could. Summer had always been her safety net.
"I love him…and we reconnected…it was so sweet and tender…he was so sweet and it was perfect, Coop…the candles and the music…"
"What music?" Marissa asked, sensing Summer's need to describe it to her.
"It was a cover, Jamie Cullum, I think…it was perfect and…" Summer took a deep breath, steadying herself. "It's like…I lived sixteen years without knowing he was even alive and I only lived, like, a year knowing him…and now he's gone and it's like I'm gone, too…"
"No, you're not…he wouldn't want that…"
"You're right. He wouldn't. At least we had this last night together…" Summer nodded, wiping her eyes.
"You'll always have that," Marissa said.
Summer sniffled. "Yes…"
"Come back to bed. You'll feel better after you get some sleep," Marissa led her back to the bed.
"I'm going to call my mom and see how things are, okay?"
"Okay…stay here, though, okay?" Summer murmured, burrowing under the covers.
"I will," Marissa promised, climbing in beside her. She picked up her cell phone and dialed her mom.
"Hello?"
"Mom, it's me."
"How's Summer?"
"She's okay. How're the Cohens?" Marissa responded in kind.
"Sandy and Kirsten are in bed. Ryan's at Lindsay's. I'm not sure why, but Cal seems to be okay with it. How are you?"
Marissa was surprised at her mother's concern. "Good."
"Thanks for calling. Let us know if…if Ryan or Summer need anything. I assume you'll check on him?"
"Sure. I will…"
"She's a good girl. I've always liked her. Take care of her."
Marissa was almost speechless. "Thanks. I will…"
"Summer's father and Jimmy are going over to the accident scene later today. Not everything was burned and they're going to…to salvage things."
"Oh…"
"Call me?" Julie hesitated.
"I will. Bye…"
"I love you, Marissa…" Julie said before there was the dial tone.
"Coop?" Summer called.
"Yeah?" Marissa was still staring at her phone.
"Will you get me some water?" Summer asked quietly.
"Sure." She had to be here for Summer. She didn't have time to think about her mother's words. Losing Seth must have made even the coldest hearts thaw a little.