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Julie Cooper had always considered herself a bitch. But Sandy Cohen's mother was putting her to shame.
Julie couldn't fault her, though. Seth Cohen was dead and she knew that she shouldn't be in charge, he'd have hated that.
He'd always seen right through her, too damned smart for his own good.
But she owed her daughter's life to him. Sandy and Kirsten were the only genuinely good people she'd ever known.
"Miss Cooper, uh, Nichols…what the hell am I supposed to call you?" Nana Cohen asked.
"Julie," she answered.
"Julie. Okay. Call me the Nana. I've got the kitchen under control and your charming 'daughter in law', Hailey, is answering the phone and returning calls and what I need you to do is…"
The doorbell rang and Julie smiled as calmly as she could. "I'll answer the door, Nana."
Julie hurried out of the kitchen and opened the door.
Renee Wheeler was standing behind Ryan and Lindsay.
"Come in, Ryan, you must be freezing…" Julie noticed. He was in thin sweatpants and a t-shirt, his stitches visible up and down his arms.
"Lindsay," Renee started, not moving.
"Renee. Come inside. There's a universal truce and you are welcome in my home," Julie said evenly. A boy was dead, everything else took a backseat to that fact.
Ryan and Lindsay stared at her in surprise.
"There's food in the kitchen and your parents are upstairs," Julie told Ryan, putting her arm around him and urging him inside.
"Um…" Ryan stammered.
Julie took him to the room she'd had set up for him. She'd grilled Marissa for information and had clothes ordered and delivered in the boy's size.
"Ryan. I'll get you something to eat and I'll be right back," Lindsay said.
"Okay. Thanks," Ryan replied, watching Lindsay and Renee leave him.
"Sit down, Ryan," she said.
"Universal truce, huh?" he asked, sitting down on the bed.
"Yes. I don't hate you, Ryan. You don't deserve this."
Ryan was watching her carefully, his hands clenched beside him.
"I know what it's like to lose your best friend…and there's nothing you can do and nothing makes sense because they were everything to you and now they're nothing…"
Ryan shuddered and she sensed that she'd said too much.
"But we have choices," she continued, sitting down beside him. "I was 14 and I couldn't understand…I made a choice to never care about anyone like that again."
Ryan opened his mouth to speak but he didn't say anything.
"Don't be like me. It's not a happy life, Ryan. You're too good for my life. Let yourself live. Don't be guilty for surviving," she whispered, reaching into her pocket and pulling out his cross.
She wasn't religious but the cross brought everyone comfort. Faith was a powerful thing, no matter the talisman.
"Thank you," he whispered as she clasped it around his neck.
"Now. Bonding's over. Time to put your face on. You have to meet and greet and I know you're well trained," she said, standing up.
"Game face. Okay."
"Clothes," she said.
"I don't have…" he started.
"Yes, you do. May I?"
Ryan nodded as she handed him a set of clothes. He obediently went into the bathroom.
"Where is he?" Lindsay returned with a plate of food and the Nana.
"Changing," she replied.
"Is everything all right?" Lindsay asked suspiciously.
"She doesn't seem to trust you with Ryan," Nana Cohen smirked.
"Well then, I'll leave you guys to him. Lindsay, if either of you need anything, just call."
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Sandy felt like he was waking from a dream. A bad dream. Worse than a nightmare.
But he was waking.
He knew Seth was gone. He hadn't accepted it yet but the rational part of his brain was working again.
He knew that his wife was not okay.
Kirsten had been like a woman possess on the way to Renee's and after he'd brought her back here, she'd been painfully quiet. She was sitting on the bed now, picking at a piece of chicken his mom had brought in.
"Kirsten?"
"Do you think he's here yet?" She asked.
"Who?"
"Ryan. Do you think he's here?"
Sandy sat down beside her.
"What?" she asked.
"He sent his mother away. He's safe…" he said. He knew now that Ryan was right. Kirsten wasn't ready to see him. She'd basically forced Ryan to choose between her and his mother and the kid didn't need that stress right now. Ryan had survived and he needed all the love he could get, he shouldn't have to feel guilty for seeing his mother.
Sandy didn't know what to do or how to fix any of this.
"You don't want me to see him?" Kirsten asked, looking at him.
"I want you to tell me what happened earlier. You wouldn't let him go, Kirsten…he had to fight away from you…"
"I…" she started, chastened. "I don't know, Sandy…Seth's gone and what are we supposed to do now? What do we have left? Ryan was Seth's best friend, he's ours, he's what we have left of Seth…and he can't replace him but he's ours…he's not Dawn's, he's mine…"
Sandy took her hands. "He's not property. He's a kid. She was Ryan's mother for sixteen years…"
"I know…" she whispered. "I'm sorry…I don't know what I'm thinking…I just need him more right now than she does…Summer was right, Seth would want him here with us…"
There was a quiet knock on the door.
Sandy left Kirsten's side and answered it, opening it slightly and stepping out. He wanted to protect Kirsten as long as possible.
"Sandy. Ryan wants to know if you want to see him now. He wouldn't come up until I asked you first," his mother said. She embraced him and he sighed. She'd been so understanding today, she hadn't lectured him or lashed out at him for losing Seth and he was grateful.
"How's he doing?"
"He's a tough kid. He's not saying much, but I know that he's hurting. Are you ready to talk to him?"
"I'm ready. But I'm not so sure about Kirsten…"
"It's going to be hard. But don't lie to him…he knows that he's not Seth. I don't think he's expecting you guys to be normal…nothing going to be normal anymore, for any of you. But he's a kid and you both owe it to him to see him," she said, releasing him. "I don't think he trusts anybody in this house as much as you and Kirsten."
"We'll come down. Which room is he in?"
"First floor. I'll walk you," she said.
Sandy left the door open as he returned to the room. "Kirsten?"
"Hmm?" She glanced at him, expectantly.
"Ryan's downstairs. Let's go visit with him for a while…" Sandy said.
"Visit? Since when do we have to visit him?" she responded, paling a shade.
"Honey, that's not what he meant," his mother said, going to her side and helping her to her feet. "Ryan's here, he's settled and he might not be up for a lot of talking right now, he looks like exhausted and he needs his rest…"
"But he's…he's okay, isn't he?" Kirsten asked her.
"He's as okay as any of you right now. Come on, honey, you'll see," she smiled, glancing at Sandy calmly as she led Kirsten out of the room first.
Sandy followed them slowly. He didn't know what he was going to say to Ryan if the boy was lucid now. In the hospital, he'd been so emotionally unstable that Sandy had said anything and everything to calm him down and he'd been relieved when he finally lapsed into sleep. Now, he'd have to talk to him knowing that Ryan was fully conscious and aware of all the emotions surrounding him.
It was too much for him so he knew that it was probably going to be too much for Ryan, too.
But they had to start dealing with this. He knew that if Ryan got his way, he'd slink off into the background by himself, but Sandy couldn't let that happen. They'd made Ryan a part of their family and they couldn't take back the invitation just because Seth was gone…everything was going to change.
He just had to make sure that Ryan remained a part of his family. Without Seth. He had to make sure their family remained without Seth.
"He's in there," his mother said, stopping several feet from one of the bedrooms on the first floor. "I'll be in the kitchen if you need me." She gave Sandy a kind smile before hurrying away.
"I'll be good, Sandy, I won't stress him out and I'll apologize for this morning," Kirsten said, turning to face him.
"Kirsten. You're not a child…I know this is hard, but we're going to make it through this. Ryan's in there, he's the same kid he was two days ago…don't try and put on an act for him because you know he'll see right through it. You okay with this?" Sandy asked, putting his hands on her shoulders.
"Yes," she nodded, visibly steeling herself.
Sandy knocked gently on the door. There was no response so he pushed it open far enough to see inside.
Ryan was sitting on the edge of the bed with a hand to his face. Caleb was standing beside him with a bottle of water.
"That's a good boy. Chin up," Caleb was saying. Ryan glared at him but took a swallow of the water.
"What's going on?" Sandy asked, stepping in suspiciously.
"Nothing. I was just making sure Ryan was taking his prescriptions…" Caleb said, turning to face them. He was covered in black dust. Soot. From the fire.
"God, Dad, you're filthy, where have you been?" Kirsten asked. "And what kind of prescriptions is he taking, Ryan, what did the doctors tell you?"
Ryan's gaze was startled as it flickered between Caleb and Kirsten.
"The boy is fine, Kiki, they've just prescribed some things to help him relax, I'll go get cleaned up," Caleb said, leaving hurriedly.
"Hey," Ryan said as he approached.
"How're you feeling, kid? We didn't get a chance to talk this morning," Sandy said, taking charge and sitting down beside him on the bed.
"Okay," he answered quietly. He gave Kirsten a weak smile as she sat down on his empty side. "How are you guys?"
"Much better now," Kirsten whispered, leaning over and planting a kiss on his forehead. "I'm sorry about earlier. I shouldn't have acted so…insane. Anytime you want to see your mother…"
"I know…everything's a little crazy right now. It's okay," Ryan whispered.
"Have you been able to rest at all?" Sandy asked.
"Yeah, yeah. Mr. Nichols has been giving me something every few hours. They make me sleep," Ryan replied.
"What are you taking? Are you all right? I haven't even talked to your doctor…" Kirsten said.
"I'm fine, really, Kirsten, it's nothing…I freaked out a little at the hospital so they're giving me something to keep me calm, that's all," Ryan explained.
"I think I need some of that," Kirsten admitted.
Sandy watched them silently. Ryan was distant, but he was 'perfect' compared to his attitude in the hospital. And Kirsten seemed to be in control of her emotions for the moment, she was focused on Ryan and listening.
"Are you scared of me?" Kirsten asked suddenly.
"What?" Ryan asked, confused.
"You act like…"
"I'm not scared of you, Kirsten. I'm worried…I can't do anything to make you better and…I don't want to hurt you…" Ryan answered, hesitant.
Kirsten shuddered and looked at Sandy for a split second before pulling Ryan into her arms. "Oh, honey, you aren't hurting me…I'm so sorry I didn't come see you…"
"I'm fine…"
Sandy put an arm around them both. "I don't think any of us are fine."
Kirsten was crying now, but she laughed, releasing Ryan but taking his hand.
"We'll be okay, Ryan. We have to talk to each other, though…this is going to be hard for all of us and it's going to be different pain for each of us…and we might be angry or frustrated or depressed as hell…but maybe if we talk a little more to each other then we can make it through…" Kirsten said slowly.
Ryan nodded but Sandy couldn't read him. He didn't know if it was because he was so devastated himself or if it was the fact that Ryan didn't want to be read.
"Let's get some air. Mind taking a walk around the plantation?" Sandy asked.
"Good idea," Kirsten smiled.
"Okay." Ryan glanced around the room. "Julie bought these clothes…" he muttered, standing up and finding a pair of sneakers in the closet.
"She's been oddly great through all this," Kirsten smiled, taking Sandy's hand with a relieved glance. He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. She looked better already. Steadier.
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Ryan sat down by the pool as Kirsten and Sandy continued past him, hand in hand.
He was tired. No physically, physically he was fucking wired.
He was tired of Seth being dead.
It was so stupid, but his mind wasn't being rational.
Newport…meant Seth. It'd always meant Seth, since the very first day.
Without Seth…there was nothing for him here.
That wasn't true either. Lindsay and the Cohens…but without Seth, he didn't know where he belonged.
He knew that when Teresa lost the baby that without Seth he wouldn't have gone to Sandy.
His brain was tired and the valium they kept feeding him was only dulling his senses.
At least Kirsten seemed better. Stable. Sandy was being a rock, like always. Nothing could shake them.
But Ryan couldn't seem to get himself steady. Everything was still so wrong.
He closed his eyes and leaned back in the chair.
Fresh air. He could hear the ocean.
Seth loved the ocean.
In short spurts, he'd said. Seth's time alone on the ocean had been related to him as 'mind-numbing boredom'. Seth said he'd written letters to Captain Oats and sealed them in bottles, delivering them daily to the waves.
Ryan shuddered involuntarily.
He couldn't stop the thoughts of Seth. Newport was Seth.
"Ryan?"
He sat up and nodded at Sandy's mother.
"Here…coffee." He took the offered mug. "Your girlfriend is upstairs with the girls but she wanted me to tell you that she'll be waiting for you inside. Nice girl."
Ryan nodded. Lindsay was great. She'd really proved that she cared about him. He loved her.
"You've got a little color back," Nana Cohen smiled, patting his arm as she settled into the chair beside his.
He took a sip of the coffee.
"Do you ever talk?"
"Special occasions," he replied.
"Ah. Sethela was good at filling the silences."
With Seth there was no such thing as silence. Ryan nodded. He wondered if he should just put a bobble-head doll in the seat so he wouldn't have to be here. Nothing against the Nana, but he didn't want to talk about Seth.
"Seth…he loved you very much," she said.
Ryan didn't want to talk about Seth…but he owed it to this woman. The Nana. Seth's Nana. "Seth…he was special…"
The Nana was watching him, anticipating him to continue.
"I have a brother. But I never felt the way about him that I feel about Seth. Seth…he was the only person that's ever cared about me unconditionally."
The Nana nodded. "I'd like you to tell me about him…when you're up to it…"
Ryan studied the woman. "He loved you. He really admired you."
"Really?" she scoffed.
"Yeah. Sandy talks about you…he loves you, too and Seth…" Ryan stopped himself. He couldn't talk about Seth anymore. Too much. He couldn't be here, not even for the Nana, he couldn't be here while Seth was dead.
"Ryan. Relax…I'm sorry, you don't have to talk," Nana Cohen said, sensing his emotion.
He forced himself to stay still. No freaking out…
"Kid, don't run off. It would kill Sandy…I know you want to deal with this yourself but…I'm asking you to stay," she said suddenly.
"I'm trying…I love them," he admitted, the valium loosening his words. "But…I can't lie and say I'm not feeling a little suffocated here…I need Seth…"
"Shh," she interrupted, patting his hand "It will get easier. Stay…"
He nodded, taking a breath.
"Again?"
He let himself breathe.
"Better."
"Sorry…" He was making an ass of himself. Ryan Atwood was like this. He was legitimately losing his shit.
"I feel like running, too, kid. Kirsten's mother in law is enough to make anyone want to run and hide. But this is where we have to be right now," Nana said with a sad smile.
"Everything all right?" Sandy was standing over them with Kirsten stoically at his side.
"Fine. We were talking," Ryan answered shakily, trying to hide his discomfort.
"You? Talking?" Kirsten smirked.
"He's definitely a tough nut to crack," the Nana replied with a wink.
"Ma, don't say 'nut'," Sandy scolded.
Ryan smiled as they chuckled but it was forced. He couldn't laugh.
He'd rarely laughed before Seth, he couldn't laugh without him.
Loss.
There was no other word he could process.
Loss.
He'd lost Seth. He'd never see him again. He'd lost Seth. Like gambling, loss was inevitable but…recovery wasn't something he could process. Irreplaceable.
An irreplaceable loss.
Seth.
"Ryan. Let's go inside," Kirsten said, touching his arm. "Okay?"
"Okay."
He followed them into the mansion and into a lavishly furnished den. He'd never learn his way around this place.
"Hey, guys," Jimmy greeted them nervously.
"Jimmy. Thank you for coming…" Kirsten said.
"God, you guys are the closest thing I have to family…I'm so sorry," he replied, hugging her, genuinely sincere.
"Thanks, Jimmy," Sandy echoed.
"I have something for you. Caleb said it was urgent and I'm sorry I'm so late…we've been gathering things from your house…this is…" Jimmy turned and held out a shoebox lined with satin.
Ryan couldn't see the contents immediately but Kirsten gasped and leaned back into him. He steadied her with a hand on her back as Sandy reached into the box.
Captain Oats.
Ryan lost his breath.
A fucking plastic horse was going to kill him.
"No," Ryan heard himself say. He turned and slowly walked out of the room.
Captain fucking Oats.
Seth's only friend before Ryan. He'd survived.
Ryan and Captain Oats, Seth Cohen's self-proclaimed best friends had survived the fire intact.
Seth was dead. And he was all alone. Captain Oats and Ryan would never be with him again.
And Ryan couldn't breathe…