"Summer? You're not eating," Coop said.
"Sorry."
"Are you okay?" Lindsay asked.
Summer stared at her.
"I'm not trying to patronize you. It's just…you loved Seth and so did Ryan and both of you are a little…devastated. I'm sorry that I was pissed off at you."
"Pissed off?" Summer asked, confused.
"Ryan said you 'flipped out'. I think he's worried about you and I was angry that you were stressing him out…"
Summer's first reaction was anger at the girl for being pissed but she stopped herself from snapping. She had hit Ryan's mother. She had hit Ryan. His mom. What if she'd have hit Kirsten? She wasn't thinking rationally then…
"I'm sorry," Lindsay said, flushed after a scolding glance from Coop.
"It's okay," Summer said honestly.
"Can I ask what happened? Was it his mom?"
"Cohen hated her. Cohen loved Ryan…I didn't want her there," Summer said, shivering. "Cohen wouldn't want her here."
"Come on, Sum, let's walk," Coop said, pulling her to her feet off the bed. Lindsay flanked them to the stairs.
Cohen was dead. She wasn't.
She loved him…he was the first boy she'd ever loved. Her first love. Love. Loved.
Past tense.
Past.
"No…"
Chino's voice was serious. Lindsay hurried past her.
The Nana was following Chino down the hall at the foot of the stairs.
"Ryan?" Lindsay called, catching his elbow. He swiveled to face them and his eyes were panicked as his gaze flickered between them. His eyes were wild like they were in the hospital.
Something had spooked him.
Something concerning Cohen.
"Ryan…" Nana started, but Ryan shook his head and pulled Lindsay into his arms, murmuring something into her ear.
"We'll take care of him, Nana," Summer said, stepping between her and the couple.
"Okay…but don't let him run off, okay?" Nana asked, glancing at Ryan worriedly.
"Promise," Summer nodded.
"Come on, Ryan, let's take you outside for some air, all right?" Lindsay said soothingly, leading him toward the patio.
"God…I'm completely fucking losing it…" Ryan muttered once he stepped into the backyard.
"Ryan…hey…talk to me," Lindsay said, taking his wrists.
"I'm sorry," Ryan said, looking at Summer. "Jimmy showed up with Captain Oats and…I'm just not functioning yet…" His breathing was shallow and rapid.
"Captain Oats? The horse?" Marissa asked.
Summer knew Captain Oats.
"Seth…he fucking worshipped that thing…he'd kick my ass for calling him a 'thing', I mean, the horse has his own Chrismukkah stocking, he has a fucking birthday…" Ryan whispered.
"Ryan, wait, just pause for me…look at me…" Lindsay pulled him away from them a few feet.
"You okay?" Marissa asked her.
"Yeah." She was. She had to be. Seth would hate all the drama.
He'd hate seeing what his death was doing to Ryan and his parents.
Cohen was such an asshole for leaving them. He never did know how to make an exit.
He was gone.
Cohen was never coming back.
She took a breath.
He was never coming back.
She was strong. She'd made it without him before. She'd get over him. She was strong.
"Summer?" Coop called.
"I'm okay."
Sandy appeared, putting his hand gently on her shoulder. "Hi, girls."
"Sandy," Marissa smiled. "How are you?"
"Better. Kirsten's better and I'm better," Sandy's gaze kept drifting toward Ryan.
"Ryan will be okay. Lindsay's great with him," Marissa whispered to Sandy.
Ryan's breathing was slower and controlled with his eyes closed and his head leaning on Lindsay's shoulder. She had her arms around him and was rubbing his back.
"I'd give him space but…I'm too worried about him," Sandy said honestly.
"Okay. Stable. No longer hyperventilating," Ryan stated, stepping into their circle. "Sorry…"
"You're okay," Sandy stated.
"Not really. But I'll get there," Ryan replied.
"Captain Oats sent you running," Sandy said and they were all startled when Ryan smiled.
"That fucking horse…I was never allowed to touch it...him, whatever, I made fun of it, like, once and Seth revoked my privileges," Ryan said slowly.
Summer laughed. It was so Coheny and she believed Chino completely. Sandy was laughing, too and pulled Ryan into a rough embrace.
"What can I do to help you?" Sandy asked after a moment.
"Sandy…I promise not to run…can I stop taking the pills?"
Summer hadn't considered the fact that Ryan was taking pills. Seth said that Ryan hated drugs and the one time she'd offered him a Tylenol for a headache, he'd refused.
"I'll talk to your doctor and if they're not necessary for your health then you're done with them, okay?" Sandy asked.
"Thank you," Ryan replied as Sandy released him.
"Let's go inside."
"I should apologize to the Nana," Chino said.
"I'll get you some water, Ryan," Lindsay said, waiting for his assent before leaving.
"Summer, will you come with me?" Ryan asked.
"Sure," she answered immediately.
"I'll come back to the den. I'm okay," Ryan promised Sandy.
"Caleb's looking for you. He has something…of Seth's. He wants you to see it. He won't show anyone else, so if you're not ready…"
"I'm okay," Ryan repeated. "Focused."
"Okay. I trust you," Sandy said. "I'll be inside."
"Should I…" Marissa began.
"You can stay. I just wanted to talk to Summer," Ryan said, turning to her.
"I'm sorry about today…" she started.
"What do you know about my mom?" Ryan asked softly.
"Nothing…Cohen…he talked about her. She's…is she good for you?" Summer asked, hesitant.
"It's nobody's business but mine. I never told Seth…"
"He knows you…he knew you," Summer rephrased.
Ryan lowered his gaze. "Well…don't do it again, Summer…I'm not really thinking straight so I can't fault you for trying to 'rescue' me…I need some serious rescuing right now," he whispered.
"Well, I owe you one," Summer said.
"And I owe you two," Marissa said, nudging him playfully. "So snap out of it. We need you."
"We'll be okay, Ryan," Summer said.
"God, I hope so," Ryan muttered shakily. "Let's go find the Nana."
-
Caleb was staring at the lock box.
Once he'd wiped off all the smoke damage, he'd discovered a permanent marker inscription on the top.
For approved eyes only. No Mom or Dad.
And beneath those words in a different color ink: My executor is to be my brother.
Executor. Seth knew he was going to die.
Caleb didn't understand kids today. Kirsten and Hailey had been perfect daughters, as far as he knew. His wife had handled the girls.
But things had changed.
Teenagers died every day.
Music and movies glorified death and violence.
His stepdaughter had tried to kill herself.
So the fact that his grandson had considered death shouldn't have stricken him.
He considered death every day. Blood thinners and approved diets and obituaries taunted him.
But Seth was young. He was his heir. Kirsten's pride and protégée.
My executor is to be my brother.
As much as Caleb wanted to unlock the box and see into Seth's life…
My executor is to be my brother.
Ryan. He could no longer ignore the boy from Chino. He'd saved his daughter. He'd almost died pulling Seth from the fire.
And the boy's anguish was pure.
Ryan Atwood was now another person that Caleb was bound to.
-
"Stay." Ryan spoke softly as he kneeled by the bed in front of the box. Caleb had just left, taking Marissa with him to meet her mother.
Lindsay and Summer froze by the door.
"Everybody stay. I can't…I can't do this by myself," Ryan whispered.
Lindsay glanced at Summer for an instant before they both went to him, taking seats beside him on the carpet.
Ryan lifted the box and put it on the floor. He took a deep breath and stuck the key in the lock.
"Turn it," Summer urged when he didn't continue.
Ryan turned the key and no one breathed as he lifted the top.
"I shouldn't be here. I'll be outside." Lindsay didn't explain herself before leaving in a rush.
"Chino…"
"No. She's right. You ready?" Ryan asked, mesmerized by the box. He raised a typed page. It was dated the day Ryan had left with Teresa.
Ryan left tonight. My best friend. My brother. The fucking best person I ever met. I hope he's reading this and we're still close…I hope he forgives me for leaving. I hope for a lot of things. Right now, it seems like the end of my world, of my utter existence. But I'm not going out without a fight. The past year has been worth all the hell I went through. I love a girl, the best girl ever and the best thing ever is that she loves me back. And my parent's disgustingly saccharine love for each other can't even touch the love we have right now. And I hope she can forgive me for leaving too. I have my first true friend and I'm respectable and special and cool and not a huge tool for the first time in my life.
But Ryan's leaving so I don't know what else to say or what's going to happen.
I'm thinking about the end again.
Nana has cancer and my brother's giving up his life for a kid that's not even his.
So I'm thinking about my life again. What people will have to remember me by.
See, I write a letter every time I feel like this and when I unlock this box, I tear up the previous one and replace it. I hope this one gets destroyed soon…or not. I hope I live a long time and this one gets burned in 4026 after my cryogenically frozen body has finally deteriorated beyond repair. Maybe my clone will write the next letter.
If not, then at least this one tells everyone how happy I was.
My parents are still the people I trust most in the world and they're the most mushiest parents ever. I love them so much. One of the only reasons I feel like I can leave them is that I know that they love me and will always love me.
Summer Roberts is still the most beautiful girl in existence. I love her more now than I ever have in the past. Being with her is so much better than I could've imagined. She's beautiful inside and out like I always thought. I hope she can forgive me for not being strong enough to stay.
New this time, is my brother, Ryan. I wish I could be worthy enough to impress him. I hope he knows how much he changed my life. He gave me a life. I love him. Not in a sex way, but more than I could ever put into words. See, I wrote letters to Summer and my parents telling them that I was leaving but I can't do that for Ryan. It hurts too much to put it into words that he'll actually read while I'm still here. This is different. This letter, I hope, will be something no one will see for a long time. Or ever. I'm still working on that immortality serum…
And that's it. I'm leaving. I'm sailing to Tahiti or as far as my snacks last. I suck at details, that was Ryan's job.
Oh. If I'm gone now and people are reading this, then relax. Share my wisdom with the worthy. Make sure Chrismukkah sweeps the nation. Take care of my brother and my parents and Summer and all the people that cared about me. I hope no one hates me. If so, I ask for a truce. Forgive me for whatever you hate me for because I'm gone. Tell lots of good stories about me and make sure that Captain Oats goes to a good home.
-Seth Cohen 2004
-
Kirsten heard whispering and paused on her way to the kitchen.
Her father's house was a maze.
She saw Lindsay and Marissa outside a closed door, looking stricken.
"Is everything all right?" she asked.
"Kirsten, yeah, it's fine…your father gave Ryan the box," Marissa said nervously.
The box. Her father had told them about the mysterious box they'd gleaned from what was left of her home.
She wanted to see it but she knew that her father wouldn't have kept it from her if it hadn't been what Seth wanted.
"How long?" she asked.
"About…an hour," Lindsay hesitated. "Summer's with him."
An hour.
"Should we knock?" Marissa asked her.
"I'll knock. I'm sure they're fine," she said. She didn't believe it though. She went to the door and rapped softly.
After a long moment, the door opened. Summer looked at her with dazed eyes. The girl didn't say anything but reached out and took her hand.
"Summer…"
"Shh…Chino needs quiet," Summer whispered, leading her to the side of the bed.
She'd never seen Ryan cry before. He was utterly still but tears were streaming down his face and dripping onto his pants.
"Seth…he kept things that were special to him in the box…pictures and stuff," Summer whispered.
Kirsten hesitated. She didn't know if she was ready for this. Seth's things…his special things.
Her son was dead.
She sat down.
It was Seth. He'd saved things…
Summer kneeled beside her and slid the box from in front of Ryan towards her. Ryan didn't move. She picked up the letter.
"I have to get cleaned up," Ryan said suddenly, standing up and rushing to the bathroom.
She read the first few lines and stopped breathing. She looked at Summer. "Will you get my husband, please?"
"Of course, are you…" Summer's face flashed with regret and worry.
"I'm okay. He should be here, though."
"I'll get him…" She hurried from the room.
Kirsten put the letter aside. She needed Sandy to read her son's last words.
She saw the stack of pictures first. She recognized her cotillion photo with Jimmy on her arm. Sandy's summer camp photo with his shorty-shorts. Seth's first birthday when he'd thrown up on the clown. Ryan's learner's permit from Chino with a crew cut. Seth and Anna at her cotillion. A diner menu snapshot from Tijuana. A postcard from Vegas.
There were sketches, too. Of their house in Berkeley. Of caped superheroes atop Captain Oats the Stallion. Of Summer.
She found a seashell and a peso on a chain, both from their trip to Cancun when he was seven. She remembered that he'd cried the whole time. She found a piece of yellow yarn that she recognized from the ball of yarn he'd given to his first kitten, 'Spike', that they'd given away on the third day after adopting him because he'd scratched him so much. She found a fake ID with Seth's smiling face and a stranger's name. Concert stubs from bands she'd never heard of. A bracelet that looked like the ones Wonder Woman used to wear.
"Kirsten?"
"Sandy. Sit…look," she whispered, reaching for him. She hadn't realized that she was crying.
"What's…"
"Sit," she said, pulling him to the floor.
"Why are we whispering, honey?" Sandy whispered.
"This deserves quiet," she replied.
-
He turned on the tap and cupped his hands under the cool flow before splashing it on his face.
Breathe.
Seth was gone.
He'd lived without Seth for 16 years.
He'd lived without Seth all summer.
It wasn't as good or as…happy.
But he could do it.
He had to. He didn't have a choice.
Life was always unpredictable and scary.
He'd survived when his dad went to jail. When his mom left him. And now Seth. He could do this.
He had to. He was strong.
He dried his face, rubbing the thick towel against his skin to try and regain his focus.
He took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair.
He opened the door and stepped back into the bedroom.
Sandy and Kirsten were sitting in the floor, looking through their son's memories.
"You guys okay?" he asked.
"Ryan…yeah…are you?" Sandy asked, distracted by the box's contents but visibly concerned.
"I'm okay." He steadied himself. "I'll give you some privacy…"
"No, stay…" Kirsten said. "You can tell us about the things we don't recognize…"
He glanced at Summer's Wonder Woman bracelet and Seth's fake id from Vegas.
Seth wouldn't necessarily want his parents to know about those things.
Sandy was watching him and seemed to understand. "You don't think he'd want us to know about everything, do you?"
"It's just…that's Seth's stuff, it's like a scrapbook of his life…and some of the things…they might not be the best things for you guys to know about…right now, anyway…" Ryan tried to explain.
Kirsten seemed to understand but he wasn't sure that he wasn't hurting them more by not telling them. He started to say something more but she stood up and pulled him into a tight hug, squeezing him. "Thank you…for just…being such a good friend to Seth…"
"I…"
"Go get some air," she whispered, releasing him finally
He nodded. He needed air.