"…did you know I miss you?
I'll always miss you…"
-Something Corporate
"This is the one," Kirsten announced.
"It's only our third stop," Hailey protested.
"I don't care. I'm not an impulse shopper, Hailey, I want this one," she stated.
It was beachfront, a small cottage with two stories and an observation deck on the roof where the previous owner had a telescope and a lawn chair set up. The master bedroom was on the 2nd floor with it's own deck with a game room across from it, fully furnished with a bar, big screen TV and pool table. There was a single bedroom on the first floor along with a large kitchen and living room with another big screen TV. The back porch was on the beach and the front yard was fenced in and was a landscaped garden with benches and fountains that stretched for almost an acre before stopping near the private street. It was unbelievably expensive, but Kirsten didn't plan on telling Sandy that detail. She wanted this house.
"Okay," Hailey sighed. "I'll call the realtor.
Jimmy approached her. "Are you…"
"I'm sure. It's perfect." She was sure. It had the game room for Sandy and Ryan and the garden was perfect for here. The beach was right outside so she would be able to watch Sandy surf from the house and the location was close so Ryan could walk to school or the pier if he wanted.
Jimmy seemed satisfied.
"Now. I'll call some of my associates from the Newport Group and get some of the furniture switched out and I need you to drive me to the mall," Kirsten said.
"What?" Jimmy asked, confused.
Kirsten was on a mission now though. It was a new day. "I have to buy a whole new wardrobe. Sandy, too. And I don't think Ryan should wear anything from the poolhouse. And we'll need drapes and a PS2 for the game room…so the mall is our next destination…"
Jimmy seemed startled but nodded.
Hailey stepped over. "It's yours. The bank's wiring the money."
"Great. Hailey, call Summer and Lindsay and Julie and get them to meet me at the mall."
"Why?"
"Housewarming trip. Julie can help me with the wardrobe and decorations and the girls are in charge of things to cheer up Ryan's room."
"On it," Hailey grinned.
Kirsten would make this place home before the sun went down. She needed something to focus on.
Ryan wasn't hungover and it turned out that he had a good day. Or the best day since Seth had died. He was Sandy's chauffeur to the bank and the lawyer's and the doctor's office for his check up. Sandy had kept him informed and the barrage of technical terms and numbers kept him distracted and he'd ended up helping Sandy a few times by recognizing discrepancies because of his talent with numbers.
Now, it was almost sunset and Sandy was listening to his voicemails as Ryan drove toward Caleb's.
Ryan had appreciated the time away from the mansion, the Nana and Julie's hovering was really getting to him and Sandy didn't constantly pester him about his 'mental health'.
"Turns out we're not sleeping at the 'Haunted Mansion' tonight. Kirsten's found us a new house," Sandy said with his phone still to his ear.
Ryan was surprised. "Really?"
"Yeah." He typed an address into the GPS system and Ryan followed the directions.
"You did good today, kid," Sandy stated.
"I'm really sorry about last night." He was. He shouldn't have drank.
"Promise me you won't make it a habit," Sandy said after a long pause.
"I promise," Ryan nodded.
The GPS barked out another order.
"Things are going to change, Ryan. Kirsten and I talked a lot last night."
Ryan couldn't sense Sandy's mood so he simply nodded.
"You and Seth…we trusted you guys to take care of each other. Now you're on your own…and we worry."
"Sandy…"
"It's not as bad as you think, kid." Sandy said quickly. "But tonight, we're giving you a cell phone and a checking account. And we want you to always tell us where you are and…" he hesitated. "And if you ever drink like you did last night, we want you to call us…"
"Okay, Sandy," Ryan whispered, stunned.
"Tonight is just us, kid. Me, you and Kirsten. We have a lot to talk about."
"Yeah?" Ryan asked. That sounded like enough to him.
"Yeah."
The GPS announced that they were one minute away as Ryan pulled onto a private street.
"We want to rebuild the house," Sandy stated. "On the same land. It was Kirsten's mother's house and Seth grew up there…the pool's there and the poolhouse…we're just thinking."
Ryan was surprised that they'd even include him in the decision. "That's cool, Sandy," he said honestly. He hadn't thought about it. He hadn't thought about anything past Seth's death.
Ryan pulled the Range Rover in behind Sandy's BMW at the end of the long paved driveway they had followed through a flush garden lit by lamps.
"Wow," Sandy remarked, stepping out.
"This is nice," Ryan agreed. The garden seemed endless from their view and the sound of the waves from the beach and running water from the fountains muted the city sounds.
"Boys, come in, I want your opinion," Kirsten called.
Ryan followed Sandy up the sidewalk to the porch.
The house was warm, that was the first thing Ryan noticed.
He hadn't been able to get warm since the funeral.
"It's beautiful," Sandy said. The huge flat screen TV was playing Rocky II and Sandy stretched out immediately on the plush couch.
"Come on, Ryan…"
Ryan smiled because Kirsten was downright giddy. He let himself soak up her enthusiasm as she linked arms with him and led him down a small hall.
"This is your room," she said.
There was a huge window seat that offered a view of the ocean. It was painted a dark blue and the walls were decorated with a poster of a Harley Davidson chopper, the periodic table and a street map of Chino. He laughed out loud, sensing Summer's influence and was pleased when Kirsten joined him. CDs of classic rock bands lined a full bookshelf across from a state of the art computer and stereo system. The bed was king-sized with dark red sheets.
"It's great," he promised. She embraced him impulsively before pulling him upstairs for more tour.
He was overwhelmed by the game room but followed her further up the stairs to the roof.
"See…three years ago, Seth gave me this book," Kirsten said, holding up a yellow book. "Astronomy for Dummies. He meant to get 'Astrology for Dummies' but it was the thought that counted," she explained.
Ryan grinned and examined the telescope.
"Do you know how to use it?"
He did, thanks to remnants of a trip with Seth to the planetarium during his early days in Newport. He adjusted the angle and motioned for Kirsten to peer through the lens.
"What is it?" she asked.
"Mars. See how it's red?" Ryan asked.
"Its…it's amazing."
"This is nice, Kirsten. It's really nice," Ryan said honestly.
"I think so, too," she whispered.
"Where are you guys?" Sandy called from inside.
"Come on, Ryan, now I have to make sure Sandy approves," she said, leading him back inside.
Sandy watched Kirsten's playful joy as she flipped through the astronomy book on the carpet by his feet in the game room. Ryan was methodically pocketing the balls on the pool table behind them as he braided Kirsten's hair, like he'd done in the beginning of their courtship.
It'd been a good day, considering. Seth's absence was still painfully obvious but Ryan had been his partner for the day. He remembered a conversation with Seth where his son had told him how Ryan could adapt himself to any situation and Ryan had proved it today. He'd been remarkably quick at picking up the financial lingo and had snapped him out of his daze a few times.
Kirsten's home felt like just that, home. There were even pictures of Seth and their family lining the walls that Caleb and other people had given her.
Ryan had relaxed and actually cleaned his plate at dinner. Kirsten had laughed when he'd kissed her on the beach
Ryan walked over and sat down beside him. "Since…since it's just us…maybe we should do something."
"What do you have in mind?" Sandy asked.
Ryan pulled a backpack from behind him. "It's Seth's personal archive. He loaned it to me and Jimmy brought it to me from the poolhouse…"
Assorted DVDs spilled out. The Goonies was the first one he recognized. Frayed copies of Kavalier and Clay and Kerouac's On The Road. CDs.
"How about we start a new tradition? Eat pudding and watch the Goonies," Ryan whispered hesitantly.
"It's a great idea," Sandy said, smiling.
Ryan put the DVD in, he was the only one who could work their new entertainment center, as Kirsten went to get pudding and spoons.
Sandy watched Ryan but he couldn't sense anything from his movements. The boy was already putting his walls back up. It had taken Seth months to break Ryan out of his shell and already, the kid was rebuilding his defenses. He'd known the boys were close, but he'd had no idea how close. Ryan settled on the couch beside him and tugged a blanket off the back and tucked it around his shoulders, giving Sandy a small smile when he caught him looking at him.
"What's up?" Sandy asked, seeing a question behind his eyes.
"Well…" his eyes flicked over his shoulder as if he was listening for Kirsten. "Seth…he always made fun of you but…he always wanted to learn how to surf. Do you think…maybe you could teach me?"
Sandy felt a pain in his gut. Seth. Seth wanted to surf. The boy had hated his lessons, he'd been unbelievably uncoordinated and spent the whole time complaining.
"I'm sorry," Ryan recanted immediately.
"No, Ryan, I was just…surprised. Of course I'll teach you," Sandy said, still stunned. "We'll go board shopping tomorrow."
"Shopping?" Kirsten returned and gave them all handfuls of pudding cups. She sat down on the couch and pulled some of Ryan's blanket down around her.
"Ryan wants to try and surf," Sandy explained. He'd tell her the rest later.
"Really?" Kirsten smiled.
"Can you surf?" Ryan asked her.
Sandy put an arm around her. "Don't let her lie to you. She can surf," he smiled. He remembered surfing with her when they were in college.
"Really? Seth never said…" Ryan was clearly surprised.
"He didn't know," she admitted.
"Then you have to come, right Sandy?" Ryan suggested.
Kirsten reluctantly agreed, but he could tell that she was pleased. They'd find life after Seth. It would just take time.
Ryan hated school.
It was like hell without Seth.
Classes weren't that much different, he hadn't had any classes with Seth anyway and he didn't have to talk, just listen to what the teachers told them to do. He'd trained himself to pick up the different tones of the professor's voices, which tone meant 'long lecture' ahead, and which tones meant, 'assignment time'.
It was the time between classes that was going to kill him. Whispers about Seth, whispers about the Hummer that Caleb had forced him to take. Whispers about Lindsay and Summer and their smothering attention. Whispers about Marissa's mysterious disappearance to the rehab clinic. He didn't know why the hell people didn't just talk in a normal voice. He could ignore normal voices, but the whispers caught his attention every time.
Lindsay was sticking close to him between classes. Summer, too. Zach had also 'taken him under his wing' and had been making sure to have lunch with him since the girls had other lunch periods. He'd been going to the daily comic book meetings but he wasn't participating much. Or at all.
It'd been two weeks. Two weeks since Seth left them. Since Seth died.
And nothing was the same. He'd settled into the new house, he'd settled into school.
But nothing seemed to penetrate his mind anymore. It was like he was stoned, all the time. Lindsay would kiss him and he'd kiss her back automatically, but he didn't feel it. He'd talk and laugh with Sandy and Kirsten, but he didn't mean it. He'd hold Summer when she'd cry about Seth, but he didn't hear her.
He'd pushed his emotions so far away from his consciousness that he wondered some times if he'd ever be able to feel anything again. He was on autopilot, doing what he was expected to do. But he wasn't ready to rejoin the world at large without Seth yet. He needed some more time before he could function on all levels.
He had a free period before lunch and lately he'd been staying in the library, but today, Donny wanted him to see something.
Donny was one of the guys in the comic club and he wanted to meet Ryan in the lounge. Ryan had been bringing comics from Seth's collection for the boys to borrow and Donny had left him a voicemail, giddy about one of the ones he'd borrowed.
Ryan walked in and immediately sensed that something was going on. He saw Donny standing by the counter, his shirt soaked with coffee. Chip Saunders was standing in front of him, laughing and holding an empty cup.
"You're a dick," Donny was saying.
"Oh yeah? What the hell are you going to do about it, you little fag?" Chip asked.
Ryan felt something now.
He was angry.
He was really angry.
He didn't see red, he didn't see anything. He was too angry to see.
Sandy answered his phone absently. "Sandy Cohen." It'd been two weeks since they'd put Seth in the ground. He'd been back in his office for a few hours each day for the past week. But it wasn't coming easily to him. He felt like he was going through the motions.
"Mr. Cohen. It's Dr. Kim. I'm calling about Ryan…"
"Is everything okay?" Sandy asked immediately.
"I understand that this is a difficult time for your family. Ryan doesn't seem to be dealing as well as he should be. His quality of work hasn't changed but he's noncommunicative and anti-social. Today he was involved in a fight…"
"Oh no…" Sandy sighed.
"It was resolved peacefully, he even apologized to the other student but I sent him home. I think he should stay at home a few more days. Have you considered sending him to therapy?"
"We've talked about it…" Sandy said. He'd discussed it with Kirsten but not with Ryan.
"He's been seeing our guidance counselor every day and she's given him some names. I'd like to talk to you and Kirsten in a few days to discuss when he's ready to return to school."
"Thanks, Dean Kim."
Sandy hung up and immediately dialed Ryan's cell phone.
"Hello?"
"Hey, kid. Where are you?"
"Home. Dr Kim call you?"
"Yeah. What happened?"
"Can we talk about it later? I'm…I'm all talked out right now." Sandy could hear the exhaustion in the boy's voice.
"I'm coming home…"
"No, Sandy, I'm fine, I'm not going anywhere," Ryan sighed.
"I'm still coming home," Sandy said, closing his phone.
He knew that he was having a rough time, Seth seemed to be everywhere he turned but he was surviving. He'd taken his first case as a private lawyer and Kirsten had even gone back to work, but Ryan seemed to be getting quieter by the day.
He'd been fooling himself thinking that Ryan was going to be okay.
He locked up his office and climbed into his BMW, dialing Kirsten as he drove.
"Hi, honey, what's going on?" Kirsten answered immediately.
"Dr. Kim sent Ryan home for fighting. I'm on my way there now," Sandy explained.
"Is he okay?"
"Sounded down…"
"Ryan always sounds down, Sandy. What are you going to do? He doesn't go anywhere, so you can't really ground him…"
"I'm just going to talk to him," Sandy sighed. He didn't know what he was going to do.
"You could take away his Hummer."
Sandy laughed. Caleb and his mother had conspired before she flew home and bought Ryan a Humvee. Sandy still hadn't figured out how they'd convinced him to accept it.
"I'll bring dinner home. Call me when you get there."
"I love you."
"I love you, too," she said. They said it every time now. They never knew when they might miss the chance to say it.
Sandy pulled into the driveway and parked beside Ryan's Hummer.
Ryan was sitting on his bed with an icepack against his eye.
"Hey, kid," Sandy said, sitting down.
"Hey."
"Tell me what happened," Sandy said, gingerly lifting the icepack to see the damage.
"Stupid Chip was talking shit to Donny and I…I lost it on him. Broke his nose," Ryan said quietly.
Sandy studied Ryan's bruised knuckles. "You okay?"
Ryan raised his shirt to display his bruises. "He's been working out. I took some Tylenol."
"So. You…"
"I'm sorry," Ryan started suddenly. "I lost my temper. I think…keeping everything all bottled up finally got to be too much." He lowered his voice. "And I scared Lindsay, she's never seen me lose it before…she's pretty mad at me…and I guess you're pretty mad, too…"
"I'm more concerned, Ryan. You've…you aren't yourself. You're not…coping. And now you're fighting?"
Ryan ran a hand through his hair. "It's just really hard being there. They want me to run the comic book club but I…I'm not Seth, I don't know the comics like that…and everyone keeps staring at me and whispering how I'm taking over Seth's life, taking his family from him and…it's hard. Even though Lindsay and Summer are there and Zack's great…I just…"
"Okay, kid," Sandy said, letting him stop. It was more than he'd heard from Ryan in days. Ryan was hurting and it was finally getting to be too much for him to deal with on his own.
Ryan pulled a folded piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to him. "Mrs. Jenkins says I need help. I promised her I'd give you this."
"You're not going to fight me on this?"
Ryan shook his head. "I'll do whatever you want."
Summer rang the doorbell and smiled as Sandy answered it.
"Hi, Summer. Always good to see you," he smiled, waving her inside.
"Thanks. I was just coming to check on Chino."
"Did you see the fight, Summer?" Sandy asked.
She'd seen it. Ryan had fought like his life depended on it and stupid Chip had gotten a few too many shots in. Ryan had just snapped, his eyes had been burning with anger. She'd never seen him like that. He'd been out of control. "Yeah."
"Well, he's grounded but I'm not going to send you away. He's in his room. Staying for dinner?"
"Sure," she smiled. She spent a lot of time with the Cohens now. With her father's busy schedule and her stepmonster's continued mood swings, she needed some sort of stability around her. The Cohens always welcomed her. Chino was like a brother to her.
"I'll call Kirsten. She's bringing Thai."
"I love Thai," Summer agreed. She left Sandy and went to Ryan's room.
Ryan was pacing beside his bed.
"Hey, Chino."
"Summer. Hey," Ryan glanced at her with clouded eyes.
"You okay?"
"Yeah. Lindsay's pissed."
"I heard. Why don't you sit down?" Summer asked, climbing onto his bed.
Ryan sat down beside her.
"You need to unwind."
"Playstation?" he asked.
"You're grounded," she grinned.
"But you're company. Come on," Ryan said, taking her hand.
Within minutes, they were playing video games in the game room.
She still missed Cohen so much that her body ached with the lack of him. But she was moving on. Getting better. She wasn't crying as much, only about once a day. Killing time with Chino was helping. Lindsay and Zack were helping.
"Cohen would totally love this," Summer said.
"Yeah." Ryan was silent for a long moment. "I really miss him."
She was surprised. Ryan rarely talked about Seth. "I know. Me, too."
Sandy walked in and settled on the couch between them. "So, can I sit in?"
Ryan shrugged. Summer didn't mind, Sandy and Kirsten always hung out with them. They weren't like parents…more like cool old people.
"Do you have homework?" Sandy asked Ryan. Well, sometimes they were parents.
"It's done and emailed," Ryan replied.
"Good," Sandy smiled.
"Are you suspended?" she asked Ryan.
"I'm taking a leave of absence," Ryan said quietly.
"Nothing's on his record, though," Sandy added.
"You broke Chip's nose," she said.
"Not the first time. He wasn't mad," Ryan shrugged.
"You talked to him?" she asked, surprised.
"Yeah. We apologized. He's still an ass," Ryan muttered.
"Ryan," Sandy scolded.
"So you break his nose and then you guys make up in the office?" Summer pressed.
"Yeah," Ryan said indifferently.
"Impressive," Sandy laughed.
Ryan passed Sandy his controller as his man burst into flames, crashing into a car. "I'm out. I'll play winner."
Ryan's eye bothered Kirsten. It was black and swollen almost closed. She stopped him in the kitchen as he was loading the dishwasher after dinner.
"Hey," he said, not looking in her eyes.
"Talk to me. Let's take a walk."
He accepted her hand and they walked outside. To the beach.
"I'm sorry…" he started.
"That's not what I want to hear," she replied.
He stared out at the waves. "I can't explain it. It's complicated."
"Try," she whispered.
Ryan's face twisted as he tried to find his voice. "Chip was making fun of this guy, Donny…Donny's cool, he's like, a geek, he lives and breathes comics and anime, but he's smart as hell…and it pissed me off…it's like, I got this vision of Seth as a freshman, getting beat up and teased and…and I snapped. I shut down…I wanted to hurt Chip…"
Kirsten pulled him into a hug, stroking his hair. He was always so tense, always so strong but it was killing him, she was watching him fade away.
"Then I saw Lindsay's face…and I saw Summer…and I had blood on my hands and…I'm so sorry, Kirsten…I told Sandy that…I'll go see somebody because…I don't know what I'm doing anymore…" he whispered.
"Ryan, you'll be okay. Sandy and me, we're here for you, we'll help you, nothing's wrong with you…" she said.
He pulled away. He wasn't crying but his eyes were pale with grief.
His eyes mirrored her soul.
Before she lost Seth…she'd never known how much Ryan was a part of Seth. Ryan and Seth were…soulmates. Kindred.
She saw Seth in Ryan.
Ryan was her son. In the short time Seth and Ryan had known each other, they'd bonded in a way that made them brothers.
She knew that Seth would live on through Ryan.
"Ryan, you're safe here. This is your home. Where we are. You can be angry here or sad or happy…you can be y0urself here. This is home, this is where you don't have to pretend, you don't have to wear a mask or hide to protect anyone…look at me."
He met her gaze.
"Come inside and lie down. Have you been sleeping?" She didn't want to dissect his words to her, she wanted to be his mother. She wasn't taking care of him, he wasn't letting her.
He shook his head. "I…I can't."
"You can't go on like this," she admitted, leading him back toward the house. "You have to get some rest."
"I will. I promise," he replied. "Tonight."
"I want you to go lie down now, Ryan. I'll be in to check on you in a little while. Okay?"
He nodded reluctantly.
The next morning, Kirsten couldn't get out of her car. She'd been stuck in traffic for an hour and bored, she'd pulled a cd off the visor and put it into the stereo.
One of Seth's cds.
And she'd listened to it twice since she parked in the lot.
She barely registered her phone ringing. She answered it automatically.
"Kirsten?" Ryan's voice was soft in her ear.
"What's wrong, honey?"
"Caleb called. Where are you? Everything okay?"
She glanced around. It was 10 am. 3 hours since she left the house.
"Kirsten?"
"I'm still in the car. I don't want to go in."
She didn't want to go to work. How could she be working when Seth was dead? He was in the ground, cold and dead and…
"You're at work? Can I come see you?"
"No, Ryan, I'm fine…"
"Okay. I believe you. I'll be there soon."
She listened to the dial tone but the melodic chords of Seth's mixed CD distracted her.
She loved Seth as a son.
But she didn't think she knew him. Not as a person.
Reading the books from his 'archive', seeing the things that had meant most to him…
She had no idea.
Seth was vibrant and clever and caring. And dead.
She listened to the song. She wouldn't work today. She had to get to know her son.
She barely registered the knocking on the window.
Sandy. She opened the door.
"Hey. You okay?" Sandy asked, embracing her immediately.
Ryan was standing behind Sandy, visibly worried.
"Yeah. I just…I can't work today."
"Can we take you home?" Ryan asked.
She accepted Sandy's hand. She climbed into the backseat of Ryan's hummer.
"You don't have to say anything…as long as you're okay," Sandy said.
"I put one of Seth's cds in accidentally and…"
Sandy put his arm around her as Ryan pulled out of the parking lot
"I miss him so much…" she whispered, burying her face in Sandy's shoulder.
Ryan sat down on the bed and expected Lindsay to sit down beside him, but she stood anxiously in front of him, wringing her hands. It'd been two days since the fight at school and this was the first time she'd been by in person.
"Lindsay?"
"Don't interrupt me, okay?"
He was startled by her harsh tone. He nodded.
"God…it's like I don't know you…" Lindsay whispered, shaking her head, obviously upset.
Ryan didn't respond but her words hurt him. He cared about Lindsay…a lot.
"I didn't mean it like that, this is coming out all wrong…"
He didn't correct her. It was wrong. She was more upset than he'd expected.
"Ryan…" she said, her eyes searching his face. He wouldn't look in her eyes. He couldn't…he'd lose his control if he looked at her.
"Ryan, I'm so sorry…you're one of the best people I've ever known…but seeing you beating up that guy…you…you have so much anger inside and you scared me…"
"I'd never hurt you…" he whispered honestly.
"I know, Ryan…but…I can't…I don't think I can be with you, like, you don't talk to me and I don't know what you've been through or what makes you so capable of violence…"
Ryan choked on his breath, shaking his head. He put his hands to his face, standing up and walking to the window. In Chino, this would be considered an alternate universe. He wasn't considered violent in Chino.
It was proof that he'd changed. Violence had no place near Lindsay. Near Seth. Going after Chip wasn't for Seth's sake…it was just contributing to the cycle of pain.
"Ryan, don't, please, I love you, but…"
"But stop," he said suddenly, turning to face her.
He was an Atwood. He was cold. He was stone. Nothing would ever touch him.
Fuck Newport, he was stronger.
"You're Kirsten's sister. Caleb Nichol's daughter. You will always be a part of my life. But. You should go."
"Ryan…"
"It's okay, I understand. This is a mutual, amicable break-up," he said evenly, holding her gaze now as he said the words.
"It doesn't have to be…" she stammered, tears streaming down her face. "To be like this…"
"You didn't come here to talk to me, Lindsay, to give me a chance to explain myself or to tell me how I could change your mind, you came here to tell me that you can't be with me anymore, you've already made up your mind," he stated calmly and levelly. He darted his eyes to the door, trying to give her the hint.
She didn't leave, instead, she reached for him. Where her fingers grasped his wrist, he pulled away.
She burned him. He had to let her go or she'd burn him forever.
"Go. Just go, Lindsay."
She rushed from the room and for the first time since he was six, he slammed his bedroom door, locking it.
He let himself sink to his knees. He was alone.