"You think he's okay down there?" Sandy asked. He was upstairs with Kirsten when they'd heard the door slam.
It was more noise than they were used to in the new house and they were both immediately alert.
After Kirsten's slight breakdown the previous morning, they hadn't left the house. She'd stayed in bed, sleeping and eating ice cream and sweets that Ryan would bring her and he'd stayed close by her side.
Kirsten was strong but it seemed to him that her stamina was less now. She couldn't take as much stress now that she'd lost Seth. She was delicate now.
And Sandy didn't know what was going on with Ryan. The boy was a true enigma to him. After the fight at school, Sandy had thought that Ryan was breaking down, too, that he was ready to grieve and get help.
But even though Ryan had been to his first therapy session without complaint and he'd been waiting on them hand and foot since they were both home, the kid wasn't better. The therapist had called Sandy earlier today and said that despite Ryan's lack of protest, he barely spoke to her during their session. She wanted to see him three times a week until she could get through to him.
The therapist said that Ryan was dangerously depressed. She said he needed medication.
Sandy hadn't told Kirsten yet, he'd been waiting to talk to Ryan.
But when he'd seen Lindsay's car pull in around lunchtime, he'd decided to give the kid some space. Lindsay was good for Ryan, she'd really pulled him through Seth's service and had been there for him over the past few weeks. She'd been there for them all.
"Is Lindsay…" Kirsten started.
"I heard her car leave," Sandy replied.
"Let's go check on him. I need to get out of bed…" she said, determined.
"Why don't you stay here while I test the waters? I'll be right back," Sandy promised, kissing her before getting to his feet.
"Okay. I'm still coming down, though. I have to snap out of this," Kirsten said, standing up and following him down the stairs. "I'll be in the kitchen."
Sandy knocked softly on Ryan's room. The door had slammed only a few minutes earlier and Sandy wondered if he should wait longer, but he stopped himself. He couldn't keep second-guessing his parental choices. The kid had slammed the door loud enough to shake the windows and it was any parent's duty to investigate.
After a long moment, the door swung open. Sandy knew immediately that something was wrong. He hadn't seen Ryan look like this…he'd never seen Ryan look like this.
"What happened?" Sandy asked.
"I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry for slamming the door," Ryan stated in a low voice. His eyes were dead and cold.
Sandy stepped into the room and closed the door. He had to do something about this now, before it got more out of control. He turned to face Ryan. "Sit down."
"Sandy, I…"
"I know you don't want to talk about it. But you have to. Talk to me. You've always trusted me, you've always talked to me and I need you to talk to me now. What happened?" Sandy urged.
"She…" he whispered, turning his back on Sandy. "We decided not to see each other anymore."
"Oh, Ryan…" Sandy was surprised. He hadn't expected them to break up, he thought they were doing so well…
"I scared her. She says she doesn't know me, doesn't know why I'm so angry, doesn't know how I could hurt someone else like that…" he muttered, not turning around.
"Ryan. Sit down…"
"I don't want to talk about it, Sandy. I just need…some time."
"No, you need to deal with this and stop pushing your emotions under the surface. Sit down…just for a few minutes…" Sandy took Ryan's arm and turned him to face him. Ryan sat down on the bed and immediately leaned forward to cradle his head in his hands.
"I…I fucked up. I get that. There's nothing to be done…I just have to mark another fuck-up on my scorecard and keep moving…" Ryan whispered.
"Ryan, kid…did you talk to her? Try to explain what you were feeling?"
"What I was feeling? God, Sandy…I can't…I can't explain what I'm feeling because I don't fucking know anymore…in Chino, fighting was just another form of expression, people pissed you off, you punched them, no hard feelings, just getting the point across, simple…and here, it's like, all anyone wants to do is talk, but…they're just words, they don't mean anything, nobody's going to know how I feel if I tell them because they're not me, they're not inside my head and I can't…I…"
"Ryan. Slow down…" Sandy whispered.
"I need to get out of here. Clear my head. I know I'm grounded, but I need…I need to be by myself. I need to figure out what I need to do," Ryan said, regaining his composure and sitting up, turning to face Sandy.
"Ryan. You just went from really upset to indifferent in about five seconds. That's not a normal response and I'm not comfortable letting you go anywhere right now. I need to know that you're okay and…I don't recognize you right now, Ryan…"
"You don't recognize me?" Ryan whispered, his eyes flashing with hurt.
"I don't recognize this look in your eyes. I don't recognize this voice you're speaking with…now, I know you, Ryan…as much as you let anyone know you…and what I'm saying is that you aren't yourself…"
"I don't know who I am anymore, Sandy…who I'm supposed to be…In Chino, I was Trey's little brother, and I never really had an identity of my own and here, me and Seth…" Ryan shook his head. "I don't know who I am without Seth…without Lindsay…I just…I need to get out of here," Ryan said, standing up again.
"No. You can't run…"
"I just need to think…"
"Why can't you think here?" Sandy asked, trying to keep Ryan talking.
"Because…" He ran his hands through his hair. "Because I can't think…god…"
"Ryan. You're too stressed out. I don't know what to do for you…" Sandy admitted.
"Give me some time, Sandy…I promise I won't do anything stupid, just…"
"I don't want you driving by yourself. I don't want anything to happen to you…I know you're hurting and you're confused and you don't know how to talk about it, but…I worry about you…" Sandy said, standing up and walking over to him. He put his hands on Ryan's shoulders. "I am here for you."
"I know. And I know I couldn't do this without you and Kirsten…but I feel like I'm coming to pieces…and I've never felt this way before…" Ryan whispered, desperation apparent in his flashing eyes.
"Okay. Let's do this…let's take a walk, no talking, just a walk, okay? You can catch your breath and once you're feeling better and you're breathing normal again, we'll see if you still need to be alone…can you do that? Will you take a walk with me?" Sandy asked.
Ryan finally nodded. "No talking?"
"No talking, kid, come on…" Sandy said, trying to think of how he could get this kid to open up to him. He'd already said more than Sandy had expected, more than Sandy could process but he had to do something to calm Ryan down.
Summer found Lindsay sobbing by her car in the parking lot, her keys abandoned on the pavement in front of her.
"Lindsay? What's wrong?"
"Oh god…not you, too…" Lindsay choked. "I know I messed up…"
"What are you talking about?" Summer asked, pulling her into an embrace automatically. Let the girls keep saying she was gone soft, she didn't care. Lindsay had been there for her and Ryan, she was a friend. A real friend, not like Holly and those sluts that had been trying to 'help her during her loss' when they hadn't been there for her when Seth was alive.
"You're going to hate me, too…"
"Lindsay, what's wrong with you? What's happened? Is it Ryan, is he okay?" Summer asked. It had to be Ryan if Lindsay was this upset.
"I…" Lindsay pulled out of her arms and wiped her eyes, composing herself as best she could. "God, Summer, I messed everything up, I upset Ryan, I didn't mean…"
"Have you talked to him? When did you talk to him?" Summer asked.
"I went by at lunch…I don't make decisions lightly, Summer, I've been thinking about our relationship ever since the fight the other day and I went over, I wanted to talk to him, but he's…he's so hurt now, and he hates me and…"
"Okay, Lindsay, so you went to talk to him about the fight?" Summer was trying to get the girl to just spit out what had made her so upset. It was times like this that she really missed Marissa, that girl could always get her issues out in twenty seconds or less.
"He scared me, Summer…he was so angry, so mean…"
"Ryan's got some anger control issues, but Chip totally had it coming, Lindsay, and Ryan, he knows that it was a mistake…" Summer started.
"I know, but…I've never seen him like that. I've never seen someone just…snap. And Ryan snapped. I just kept replaying everything in my head and I realized that…I really care about him, Summer…but I don't know him. I don't know Ryan at all…"
Something clicked in Summer's brain. "You broke up with him because he got in a fight? You know how hard a time he's been having, Lindsay…"
"I didn't intend to break up with him, I just wanted some time, some time to think about things, to get to know him better, to find out what happened that makes him so violent…" Lindsay sniffled.
"Chino's not violent. He's protective. He would never hurt anyone without a good reason…he'd never hurt you, Lindsay," Summer said, calmly, her mind working a mile a second now.
"I know, Summer…but when I tried to talk to him, he told me to leave, he just shut down and I knew…I lost him, Summer…I really lost him…and I don't want to lose him…" Lindsay whispered.
Summer nodded but she didn't say anything. She considered Lindsay a friend, but she couldn't fathom how the girl could do something like this to Ryan. Over something so stupid. Sure, he'd gotten into a fight, but that's what Chino did, he wasn't afraid to get hurt or to hurt people that hurt his friends.
"Summer…I don't know what to do…"
"Give him some space, Lindsay. He…I don't know if he'll forgive you, though…" she said honestly.
"Do you think he hates me?" Lindsay asked.
"I don't think he hates you, Lindsay…he really cares about you…that's why I think this is probably tearing him up," Summer admitted.
"I know…do you understand why I had to do it?"
"It's Ryan. So, no, I don't understand. I've seen Ryan fight, I've seen him get the hell beat out of him…but I don't think it makes him a bad person. We don't know what his life was like growing up, we don't know what he went through, shit, Seth didn't even know…but Ryan's a good person. I can't believe that you'd ever doubt that…" Summer said. She bent down and picked up Lindsay's keys, holding them out. "Go home. Get some sleep."
"I should go talk to him…"
"No. I think you've done enough for today."
Lindsay nodded, taking the keys. "I'll see you tomorrow, Summer…"
"Sure, Lindsay." Summer turned and walked away.
Stupid Lindsay. Chino didn't need this. She needed to see him, to make sure he was okay. God knows he'd held her while she cried enough lately that she owed him.
She needed a plan. Her car automatically steered itself toward the Cohen's house.
Chino didn't communicate like normal people. Seth knew his language and she'd been trying to learn it but she couldn't read him.
All she knew was that he really cared about Lindsay. And this was going to knock him for a loop. He needed people around him, not people that judged him, but people that cared about him.
She cared about him. He'd saved her, he'd taken care of her. She considered him…a friend. A good friend. Almost like a brother. He was even protective of her like a brother, always walking up when someone would flirt with her and questioning her when she looked downcast.
As she pulled into the long winding driveway that led to the Cohens, she was surprised to see all their cars there.
Kirsten opened the door and smiled at her. "Hi, Summer. Everything okay?"
"I was going to ask you the same thing," Summer replied. "You didn't go to work today?"
"I had a bad day yesterday. Sort of carried over into today. Did something happen between Ryan and Lindsay? Sandy took him for a walk on the beach hours ago and…" Kirsten immediately shrugged off her own drama and zeroed in on why Summer was here.
"They had a fight. Seems to be pretty bad…" Summer admitted, following Kirsten into the den.
"Oh no. He said she was pretty upset about the fight…"
"I don't get her. I mean…I sort of do…but she shouldn't do this to him right now. If she wasn't comfortable with his 'violence', then she shouldn't have started dating him in the first place," Summer replied.
"Did you see the fight?" Kirsten asked as they sat down.
"Yeah. The teachers went running and I followed them, you know, mob mentality, had to see what was going on," Summer replied.
Kirsten nodded, but Summer could tell that there were more words she needed to say.
"What?"
"I don't approve of Ryan fighting. And I don't think I've ever seen him do it first-hand, if I don't count the time I got him out of juvie…but I have to admit, that I don't know what I'd do if I ever saw him get like that. I can't even watch gory movies and to imagine how hard that boy had to hit Ryan to make his face bruise like this…It bothers me," Kirsten admitted. "I don't love Ryan any less, but I don't understand how he can hurt people when he knows what it's like to be hurt."
"Ryan…he didn't grow up like us. I think, to him…pain's a normal part of life. Physical pain, anyway…he can deal with it, it's familiar to him, it's the emotional pain that he can't handle…" Summer said. "Seeing him fight with Chip…it was like, cathartic, for him. He could release all that pain that he's holding inside. Where you and I might go on a shopping binge, Ryan…he doesn't have any sort of release."
"So, you think it's okay that he got in the fight?"
"No, Kirsten…I'm saying that I think he's hurting and he's not talking to anyone and he needs an outlet. He's…quiet."
Kirsten nodded. "I know. He started seeing a therapist but he's only been once and she…she's worried about him, too."
They heard the door in the kitchen close and after a moment, Sandy walked in. "Hi, ladies," he said.
"Hey. You were gone a while," Kirsten said, standing up and kissing his cheek.
"Ryan's in his room, Summer," Sandy sighed. "Good luck getting him to talk."
"You were gone that long and he didn't say anything?" Kirsten asked.
"He needed quiet. He seems calmer now. But he's still Ryan. He hates to talk," Sandy replied.
"I'll check on him," Summer promised. She hurried to Ryan's room and didn't knock, simply walking inside.
Ryan was standing by his bed.
"Chino. You okay?"
He shook his head solemnly.
She knew he hated hugs, but she didn't know what else to do. She stepped over to him and wrapped her arms around him.