AN: So, Ryan had an interlude a few chapters back so it's only fair that Summer gets one, too. So here it is, a day in the life of Summer (in this AU anyway) set to the music ofthat Hootie and the Blowfish song that always makes me cry.
Alone as I sit and watch the trees
Won't you tell me if I scream will they bend down and listen to me?
Summer was in her backyard painting her toenails a bright pink. It matched her new lingerie.
She'd spent six hours at the mall today. With Ryan going to school and her self-imposed hiatus from Harbor, she was just killing time and spending money.
Shopping without Marissa wasn't as fun. She had no one to critique her fashion choices. She simply bought at least three things from every store.
She liked the way Trey looked at her when she dressed up for him.
He had stamina that was unheard of, he gave her orgasms like she'd only read about.
He was the best fuck she'd ever had. Even though he was only the second fuck she'd ever had, she knew he was good. He was damn good.
But she didn't love him.
He just amused her.
She still thought of Seth all the time. She saw him in everything, heard his quips when she saw movie trailers and TV shows.
It was like she was haunted.
She could hear him, in her head, but she couldn't talk to him.
It was damned frustrating. She knew he was gone, knew he was dead, but she could still hear his voice and she still thought about him all the time.
It wasn't like when he was in Portland. She was simply pissed off when he was in Portland.
But now, despite her outward appearance, she was floundering.
She wanted to see him. She needed to see him. No matter how fucked up and childish she was being, she needed to know that he was okay.
She was being retarded. She knew that he was gone and that she'd never see him again. She leaned back on her towel and let the wind blow across her body.
It was a beautiful day.
But she wasn't happy.
She'd never be happy again. Sure, she could still laugh, things were still funny and she still enjoyed her friends and loved her daddy. But she wasn't happy.
She was missing a part of herself. And nothing that the therapist could tell her would change that. No amount of casual sex could fix it.
She was just going to have to find her own way to move on with the gaping hole in her soul.
Some days she cursed the day she acknowledged Seth Cohen.
Most days she cursed herself for waiting so long to acknowledge him.
He'd always said that he'd loved her forever, since the first day he saw her in kindergarten. But she had never known.
And now, all those years were lost to her. She'd wasted too much time.
And it makes me wonder
if I know the words will you come
Or will you laugh at me
Or will I run
"So. You okay?"
Trey's voice was quiet in her ear.
He was always so polite, like he knew he wasn't supposed to be with her. Curled up against her back. His arms out of place around her waist.
"Yeah, that was great."
"I'm not talking about the sex, Summer."
"There's nothing else to talk about."
She was the reigning ice queen. Julie Cooper had nothing on her.
Trey Atwood seemed to be a really nice guy. More like Ryan than either of them would ever admit.
He had a softness to him, underneath his hard edge. And if she hadn't been in love with a dead man, she might have considered dating him in another life. He treated her like she was made of glass, breakable. Well, except when they were fucking.
But she wouldn't let herself care about him.
The sex was the perfect anesthesia against feeling. After a good night of sex with Trey, she didn't feel anything. She was empty, but not empty like after the funeral, but empty in a better way. Her body was sated, her needs were sated, but she wasn't full of all those pesky emotions. She didn't worry about whether or not he was going to call her tomorrow or whether he would remember her birthday.
It was nice to disconnect from herself for a while.
His arms left her and she heard the telltale sign of his brood starting.
It was weird. It was almost like he was upset that she only wanted him for sex. If she stayed too long after their trysts, he would always get up and walk to the window and stare at the ocean. Like it would tell him anything.
She'd spent enough time by the ocean looking for answers to know that there weren't any.
She climbed out of bed when the chill from Trey's absence was too much for her and immediately started putting on her clothes.
"You leaving?" Trey murmured from the window.
"Yeah. It's getting late and I haven't talked to Ryan all day."
"At least you talk to somebody," he muttered, stepping into his jeans and grabbing his cigarettes off the end table before walking out.
"Men," she grumbled, practicing her bitch voice once she was alone.
She wondered sometimes if maybe she should take up witchcraft. She'd watched the edited version of The Craft a few weeks earlier with Ryan and had been thinking about it a lot since.
If she could learn a spell, maybe she could find a way to communicate with Seth.
She was being retarded again.
But she had to admit that if she could get the scoop about heaven or hell from anyone, she'd want it to be Seth. He always had a way of describing things to her that made her feel like she was there.
She wanted to be with him.
But she couldn't go there.
I don't know,
I'm a stranger in my home
Now that everybody's gone
Someone please talk to me
Cause I feel you cry
And you're sitting with him
And I know I'll never see you again
Her daddy was working late again and her stepmother was drunk. She didn't need the again, he stepmother was always drunk.
She wished sometimes that she could drink away her problems. That she could drink away Seth.
But she couldn't. Not like Marissa or her stepmother.
Alcohol did nothing for her except make her lose her focus.
And she couldn't afford to lose her focus because she'd never be able to get out of bed if she did.
Her house was weird now. Well, it was always weird with her father's interchangeable wives and his crazy schedule.
But it didn't feel like home anymore. Nowhere felt like home.
The last place she'd felt like home had gone down in flames, taking everything with it.
Seth was her home.
Somehow he'd worked his way into every part of her day. He was in her bedroom in her blue sheets. Her white sheets. All her sheets. He was on her computer; she hadn't been able to bring herself to delete his name from her buddy list. He was in her kitchen with the Capri Suns that he loved. He was everywhere.
She could feel him watching over her.
Or at least she thought she did.
You see I'm tired of feeling this pain
I'm tired of living my own little lie
She was at the Cohens again. Kirsten seemed to enjoy her company and she enjoyed pretending that she had a mother.
"They're having a big sale at the plaza this weekend, you think you're up for it?" Kirsten asked.
"Sure. I just went shopping yesterday, but I'm always up for shopping," she agreed.
"How are you doing, honey? You haven't really seemed yourself lately," Kirsten asked.
People asked her that all the time but she couldn't lie to Kirsten. "I'm doing okay."
"Just okay?"
"Yeah. Just okay."
Kirsten nodded. "I understand that. I'm here for you, if you ever…"
"Oh, I know. It's just…hard. I talk to Ryan and Marissa has been surprisingly supportive since she started rehab…there's just not much to say, you know? I'm sad…"
"I know. Me, too. He really…knew how to fill a room. I had no idea it was possible to miss someone this much. Even when my mother died…at least I had time to come to terms with it before she passed…Seth was just gone," Kirsten replied.
"I know. I miss him…in my bones," Summer admitted.
"Me, too, honey." Kirsten replied, putting her arm around her comfortingly. "I don't know how I would have gotten this far without you and Ryan. You guys…you're the strongest kids I've ever met. It's going to take time for all of us. You just have to give yourself time to heal."
She nodded. She knew. But there wasn't enough time in the world to make her stop loving Seth Cohen.
"Can I ask you something? You don't have to answer, but…"
"What?" Summer asked, curious.
"Are you seeing someone?"
"What? No, why would you think…"
Kirsten motioned to her neck.
"What?" Summer mimicked her, putting her hand against her neck but not feeling anything.
"You have a hickey," Kirsten said, blushing.
"Oh, God…" she realized, starting to stand up and go to the bathroom but Kirsten stopped her.
"You have a right to move on…" Kirsten said softly. "But…I don't want to see you get hurt. Just…be careful, okay?"
"I…" Summer didn't know what to say.
"It's none of my business…just be careful, okay?" Kirsten said, straightening her collar for her to cover up the hickey. "I have concealer upstairs if you want to use it, in my bathroom in the medicine cabinet.
And now my days are short an my nights are long
I lay down with memories of you that keep me going on, going on
It makes me wonder as I sit and stare
Will I see your face again
Tell me, do you care
She knocked on the door to Trey's motel room impatiently. He had to know she was coming; she'd called first like always.
Finally, he opened the door, looking worse than she'd ever seen him. She could smell the alcohol on his breath. He was drunk.
"What's up?" he grinned.
"You're drunk. Why are you drunk? You knew I was coming…"
Trey shrugged and turned his back on her as she followed him in. He sat down at the small table and took a sip of his dark liquor.
"Trey, what's going on? Is everything all right? Does Ryan know you're drinking?"
"Two weeks you've been coming here. Two weeks I've asked you to talk to me and every time, you just leave. You don't care why I'm drinking. You don't care about me and Ryan. If you did, you would have never started this whole thing," he snapped.
"What are you…"
"Ryan would kill me if he knew. Even though we're family, he'd kill me, Summer. Do you have any idea how he feels about you?"
"Chino and I are not a couple…"
"That's not what I mean and you know it," he snarled. "Losing Seth killed him, Summer. It's killing him every day, I don't even fucking recognize him because he's so depressed. You're like his sister; you're more family to him right now than I am. He's worried about you, he knows something's going on with you and he doesn't know what to do about it…and I just sit there and listen to him stress about it and there's nothing that I can say to make him better."
Summer's mouth was open, she'd never heard him talk so much, let alone say so much stuff that mattered.
"This is wrong. We both know it. And…and none of this drama has to do with me, but I don't want to hurt my brother anymore, he's been hurt enough." Trey looked at her, meeting her gaze with desperate eyes. "And I can't not care about you, no matter how much you want me to. I can't ignore my feelings for you. This is wrong."
"You have feelings for me?" she asked. "You don't even know me, Trey…"
"Exactly. I don't because you won't let me. You're just slumming, fucking the ex-con for some sort of twisted thrill…" he muttered.
"Trey…" she stammered.
"I can't do this anymore. I can't do this to Ryan and I won't do this to you," Trey sighed.
She was touched. She walked over and leaned down, kissing him, tasting the acrid whiskey from his mouth.
"Summer…"
"Shut up. You can break up with me after…"
But after, he'd fallen asleep, his face peaceful like a child, all his anger worked out through their frantic lovemaking.
She watched him sleep for a few minutes before quietly getting dressed and leaving.
He was right. She needed to leave him alone.
And it makes me wonder
When I see you in my dreams
Does it mean anything
Are you trying to talk to me
She dreamed about Seth.
Every night.
His lanky arms around her.
His fresh smell
The feel of his curls between her fingers.
His laugh.
Seth was always laughing in her dreams.
It was only right that he was happy in her dreams. She didn't know if she could handle anything else.
She hoped he was happy where he was.
She hoped that he wouldn't forget her.
I'm a stranger in my home
Living life on my own
Right now I just can't see
'Cause I'm feeling weak
And my soul begins to bleed
And no one is listening to me, not even the trees