One day in Luca, Tidus was sitting down twiddling his thumbs when, from the skies something white was dropped on his head.
"Oh crap, I've got bird poop in my hair!" He began to wipe his hair clear of the bird poop, when he noticed a piece of paper beside him. "So that's what it was." He picked it up and examined. Nothing but a blank piece of paper. Until….
He turned it over! There it said:
Goober, sincerely yours. Once at us visit. It press please button transportation a installed we. Origins true your of discovery our announce to able are we pleasure great with is it. Tidus Dear."
Tidus scratched his big blonde head. He had tried reading forwards and then reading it backwards, and yet it still didn't make any sense. But then Tidus suddenly remembered "oh goddamnit I can't read" He said in a disappointed fashion. He then noticed a big, red button at the bottom of the page "Oooooooh a big red button! The best type of button. What could be better than a big, red button that's BIG, READ and a BUTTON all in one? And it's so pretty. I like it. A lot! Let's press it!"And with that he pressed his podgy girlish fingers into the middle of the big…red…button.
Now, if Tidus had been able to read he would have understood precisely what the writing next to the button said. But of course he couldn't and so never knew were he was about to end up. He was also blissfully unaware that his body was about to be cut up into zillion twillion mega-twixels as he was transported through time and space!
Suddenly the world around went a luminous green and he ended up in a place that looked nothing like any other place he had ever visited. He found himself waiting in a queue beside many weird but not so wonderful creatures. In front of him stood a flom. (flom: proper noun- a giant flower that smells human it has teeth and facial expressions. T has a certain liking for raw cabbages in sprout and rhubarb leaf juice.) After apparently reading a dictionary definition from nowhere Tidus looked around the strange place around him. A Woman with a large head and feet dangling out her nose approached Tidus and asked him when the next bussle was to Thrae.
"What the hell is THAT!" he asked rudely as the woman's nose produced half a human. "It's my baby…what's wrong with giving birth through my nose?"
"No...No...Perfectly normal…" he nodded.
He walked on to meet a man with his lungs in each hand. "Why are you holding your lungs?" he asked poking them
The man replied "why not? You can't breathe carbon dioxide without them like this. Where are yours?"
"Oh…" replied Tidus "see I don't breathe carbon diwhatsit. I'm on oxygen."
"Oh my god, you junkie, you're wasting away! So young…so foolish…" and the man walked on.
Next he came across a small child with the head and tail of a fish. "Get lost!" it cried "what you looking' at…you air breather." Tidus couldn't understand and so he did what all men (or people who are almost men e.g. Wakka) do when confused. He retaliated!
"How dare you? But you're a mutant! Look at yourself! You're a blasphemy with no more right to walk on Earth … or whatever planet this s… than a double headed twig made from plutonium!" Tidus shouted. The fishie-girlie-thing-migigy had had enough by now and with one swift motion she brought up her tail fin and slapped Tidus round his very girly face. "Augh, that hurt and your all slimy! You've probably wrecked my make-up!" He yelled rubbing his face and looking very sorry for himself. Tidus was just about to run/sprint, in the way only Tidus can, to the nearest toilets when he found himself at the front of the queue.
A young woman sat at the counter, feet hovering over the computer keyboard as if ready to type. "Please papers" She asked. Tidus stood blankly for a minute and then, after having no better ideas, handed over the letter he had received earlier. "Ago minutes five gone have will Bussle ext the gate the through you If. You Thank." As she spoke she pointed to a gate somewhere in the distance. Tidus followed the finger and arrived just as a huge, red bus with wings drew onto the platform. A voice came over the tanoy system "Minutes two in leaving Thrae to Buslle Next. Aboard All." A very squashed Tidus got pushed onto the shuttle amongst a crowd of creatures. And that was it! The beginning of his journey home had started!
A/N This story was co-authored by me and my friend Nyviay with some help from the rest of our gang. Please R and R, as it is my first ff fan-fiction and I really like getting reviews.
P.s if you don't understand the speech or letter, try reading it backwards!