Chapter 13
Josh sat in the middle of his living room staring at a picture of him and Donna that was taken some time towards the end of the administration. She was looking up at him, her arms across her chest, with a grin that just said 'there got ya' and he was just looking at her in exasperation. Unthinkingly he traced her face with a gentle finger as he fought back tears.
Unfortunately the memories weren't so easy to hold back. . .
~I still remember the night we met
You said you loved my smile
But your love for me was like a summer breeze
Oh, it lasted for a while
I could hold on a little tighter I know
But when you love someone you gotta let 'em go so~
He stood in the doorway watching her pack, a lump growing in his throat at the sight. His life was spinning out of control and she was leaving. . .
"What do you need, Josh?" she asked without looking back at him.
"What makes you think I need anything?"
Donna rolled her eyes as she looked over her shoulder and up at him, "you're standing in the doorway staring at my back."
"I wasn't. . ."
"Josh. . ." Donna sighed in exasperation as she looked back at the box she was filling with her belongings.
"You don't have to go, you know," he said softly as he leaned against the doorjam.
"Classes start Monday, Josh. So does my new job."
"That's not what I meant."
Donna nodded slightly as she placed the book he had given her for Christmas a few years before on top and turned, moving quickly towards him. "I have to do this, Josh."
"No. You don't. You can wait a semester. You can come with me."
"Why?"
"What?"
"Why should I wait? Not take this job?"
"You know why."
"Do I?"
"I need you."
"It's not enough."
"What more do you want me to say?"
Donna could only sigh as she automatically straightened his tie and smoothed his shirt. "You have to get going to your meeting."
"Donna, I have five minutes before I have to leave," he protested as he caught her hand and held it against his heart.
"No, you don't," she started as she extracted her hand on a watery smile. "Your watch sucks, remember?"
"What am I going to do without?"
"Survive," she sighed. "Besides, I'll only be a phone call away. Now, get going."
"Yes, ma'am."
~I'm gonna smile
'Cause I want to make you happy
Laugh, so you can't see me cry
I'm gonna let you go in style
And even if it kills me
I'm gonna smile ~
The bar was unusually quiet and the group holding court at their usual table in the back morose. "Oh, for pete's sake, this isn't a funeral!" CJ chided. "We're here to celebrate Donna's new start!"
"Nicely put, CJ," Sam muttered as Josh adverted his eyes to stare into his beer.
"I'm no a wordsmith like you, Princeton," CJ shot back sarcastically.
"Thank G-d for that!" Toby muttered as his Jack Daniels was put down in front of him. "Sam slaughters the English language enough to keep me busy for months."
"I'm not that bad," Sam protested as Donna smiled slightly over the exchange, her hand going automatically to flinch a fry from Josh's plate.
"I thought you weren't hungry," he grumbled as he watched her.
"I wasn't," Donna shrugged as she took a bite of the fry.
"Then why are you picking at my dinner?"
"Because I changed my mind," she replied as she reached for another fry, causing Josh to roll his eyes.
"Just take it," he muttered as he pushed the plate at her to the surprise of her and the others. The exchange up to that point had been typical of them, usually ending up as they argued over various parts of the meal in a teasing ritual that the other members of the team considered 'couplly.'
Donna pulled her hand back as if she'd been burnt, "Forget it. You need to more eat more than I do."
"Donna, I'll order something else. Just eat it," Josh said as he rose, beer in hand, to go search out their waitress.
The three others shared telling stares as Donna stared after him blinking back tears. Toby, surprisingly, was the first to react. He easily pushed back from the table and rose, his attention focused on Donna as he rounded the table and drew her up and towards the pool tables.
"You're acting like a jackass," Leo McGarry said as he came over to where Josh was watching the exchange.
"Don't start, Leo, please."
"Who's starting? Just stating a fact," Leo asked as he took a sip of his water.
"You weren't even sitting there."
"No, but I've seen how you've been acting since she took the job. Josh, all you had to do was ask her to stay."
"It's a great opportunity for her, Leo," Josh replied with a shrug as he took a swig of his beer. "Besides, I asked her. She won't," he added at the look he got.
"Then at least stop making it so hard on her. It's a sorry day when Zielger can get a woman to smile faster than you," Leo pointed out before going to join the others.
~Kiss me once for the good times, baby
Kiss me twice for goodbye
You can't help how you don't feel
And it doesn't matter why~
He had done better, at least he had thought he had. But then again, maybe it was the drinks.
Donna was right.
He did have a delicate system.
But he hadn't thought about it as they discussed the end that was coming in the next few weeks. Of the end that was coming for them in the next few hours. For now they could chase them away.
It was Friday night and all he was expected to do the next day was drive her to the airport. So it really didn't matter that they were staggering towards her door.
It didn't matter that they had their arms wrapped around each other as Donna opened the door to her empty apartment.
"Do you really have to go?" Donna pouted as she pulled him in behind her.
And all he could do was laugh at the irony of the question as he leaned against the door he had pulled shut behind them. "I've been asking you that all week," he replied after a moment as he slipped a piece of hair behind her ear.
"You're just going to have to come back in a couple of hours."
"I know," he smiled slightly. "I'll take the couch." He watched as something similar to disappointment flickered across her face. "What's. . .?"
"Nothing, Josh," Donna sighed as she kissed his cheek. "Just go to sleep before you pass out."
"Donna. . ." he protested as she slipped away from him and started down the hall.
"Good night, Josh."
"Night, Donatella," he sighed bemused as he shed his jacket and moved to the couch to settle in for the night.
~Give me a chance to bow out gracefully
'Cause that's how I want you to remember me ~
"That's ummm.. ." Donna started unable to look at him.
"I know," Josh sighed as he stuck his hands in his pockets to resist the urge to pull her to him and out of the busy airport. "You have your boarding pass and everything?"
"Of course. You gonna be OK?"
"I'm not the one who's moving to a strange town on my own."
"It's not the first time. At least this time I have a job lined up," she teased as he shook his head. "You sure. . ."
"Yeah, CJ and Sam are going to make sure I get to meetings on time."
"OK, then. I guess. . ."
"Yeah."
He looked down at his feet, not wanting to watch her walk away, or see the tears that he heard.
"Goodbye, Josh," she sighed as she stepped closer to him and went to kiss his cheek. He knew it and turned, knowing this was his last chance.
Their lips met, and for an instant it was magic.
Everything was perfect.
Then reality interceded as the last call for her flight was called.
"Josh, I have to. . ." Donna stuttered as she started to pull away.
"Goodbye, Donatella," he sighed as he pushed a piece of hair behind her ear. "Call me if you ever need anything."
"Josh. . ."
"I. . ." he started and then shook his head. "Don't miss your plane."
"OK," she sighed through tears as she turned and walked towards the gate.
He watched her.
Even waved reassuringly as she glanced tearfully back at him, all the while realizing that letting her go was one of the hardest things he'd ever done.
~I'm gonna smile
'Cause I want to make you happy
Laugh, so you can't see me cry
I'm gonna let you go in style
And even if it kills me
I'm gonna smile~
He'd gone back to the office then. It was the only place he could go. He tried to work, not that there was any real work left to do with the Bartlett administration coming to an end in a matter of weeks, and couldn't. So instead he started to drink along with pretending to work.
He was alone afterall.
And that was how Toby found him.
Alone in his darkened office drinking away his pain as he pretended to be doing anything but thinking about her.
"You're an idiot, Josh," he had proclaimed from the doorway.
"You expect me to take advice from you?" Josh asked a touch drunkenly.
"How much have you had to drink?"
"Not enough."
"All you had to do was tell her," Toby replied as he walked further into the office, his hands in his pockets.
"You ever gonna tell her?" Josh asked as he leaned his head back.
"Why would I tell Donna that you're in love with her?"
"You know that's not what I meant."
Toby only shook his head, "I'll drive you home, Josh."
"You know something, Toby?"
"I know lots of things," the older man deadpanned.
"We're both idiots."
"Maybe, but at least I'm not a drunk idiot."
~I'm gonna smile
So you can find the courage
Laugh, so you won't see me hurtin'
I'm gonna let you go in style ~
And then he couldn't take it any more. He threw the picture across the room angry at her for leaving. At himself for not asking her to stay. Not giving her a reason to. For continuing to play the game even when they no longer had to. For being too afraid of losing her to reach for her.
Shaking his head, he rose and went to pick up the picture, careful of the glass. They'd be angry--- worried--- if he showed up with a cut hand.
He knew his reaction didn't mean he was going crazy. It meant he was coming out of the shock that had accompanied the news.
Sinking to the ground he held the picture close to his heart as he allowed the tears to fall.
Stan would be happy.
He wasn't holding back his feelings.
But if she saw him like this, Donna would worry.
She always did.
~And even if it kills me
I'm gonna smile~
Song credit: Smile by Lonestar