Part 12: Disengaged
Summary:
Janeway and Chakotay deal with the fall out of B'Elanna's self-mutilation. (J/C, CT)
Pairing:J/C, CT Rating: PG-13 Type of Story: Drama Level: 2
Part 12: Disengaged
"Computer freeze program"
"Computer Belay that order"
"Turn it off!"
"Not until you tell me what it is!"
"You know what it is!".
"Who's this?"
"Li-paz. Don't you recognize him?"
"Oh, I recognize them all. Meyer...Nelson...Sahreen! You created a program to watch all our Maquis friends get slaughtered! What I want to know is why!"
"I thought we came down here to talk about safety protocols. This has nothing to do with that."
"I'm not so sure. The logs show you only ran this program for 47 seconds--the day after I gave you the news about the massacre. Then you shut it down and started running the most dangerous programs you could find with the safeties off, WHY!"
"This is ridiculous, I'm not staying here……"
"Computer seal the doors"
Be Boop
"You can't do this!"
"The hell I can't! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on."
"B'Elanna, why are you intentionally trying to hurt yourself?"
"I don't know."
"Are you trying to commit suicide?"
"No"
"Then why?"
"Because...because if I sprain my ankle, at least I feel something."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm not trying to kill myself! I'm trying to see if I'm still alive."
"When you look at those corpses what do you feel?
"Sad. Angry. Maybe a little guilty that I wasn't there to die with them."
"Not me, I don't feel anything at all."
"B'Elanna, the Maquis were like our adopted family. I can understand you trying to block out that kind of pain--"
"You don't understand, It's not just the pain. I don't feel anything--not about my dead friends, not about Tom...you...my job..."
"Maybe you're afraid if you let yourself start to feel something you might not be able to stop. You can't just shut off your emotions, B'Elanna. Sooner or later...You're going to have to let yourself grieve."
"Why? Just so I can go through it all over again? When I was six, my father walked out on me. When I was 19, I got kicked out of Starfleet. A few years later, I got separated from the Maquis. And just when I start to feel safe you tell me that all of our old friends have been slaughtered. The way I figure it, I've lost every family I've ever had!"
"B'Elanna...You have a new family now...Here on Voyager and you're not going to lose us. You're stuck with us!"
"You can't promise me that," she says.
"No, I suppose I can't. Losing people is inevitable, and sometimes it happens sooner than we expect...But I can promise you that the people on this ship aren't about to let you stop living your life or break your neck on the Holodeck. You're going to have to find another way to deal with this."
"I don't know how,"
"Then we'll figure it out, together."
"Meyer...Nelson...Sahreen! You created a program to watch all our Maquis friends get slaughtered! What I want to know is why!
"Turn it off!"
"The hell I can't! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on."
"You don't understand, it's not just the pain. I don't feel anything--not about my dead friends, not about Tom...you...my job..."
"Why are you intentionally trying to hurt yourself?"
"Because...because if I sprain my ankle, at least I feel something."
"You created a program to watch all our Maquis friends get slaughtered! What I want to know is why!
"Are you trying to commit suicide?"
"No!"
"Then why!"
"I'm not trying to kill myself! I'm trying to see if I'm still alive."
"When you look at those corpses what do you feel?"
"Sad. Angry. Maybe a little guilty that I wasn't there to die with them."
"…..What do you feel?"
"I don't feel anything at all"
"Not just the pain, I don't seem to feel anything."
"…..What do you feel?"
"… I don't seem to feel anything"
"Not just the pain…."
"…..Anything"
" I don't….. feel anything….."
Beep Boop
The chime sounded in his Quarters. Chakotay refused to get up. He just sat in his lounger drained; hands draped across the side, legs completely out, the sound of the chime temporarily obliterating the conversation that he had played over and over in his head. The noise didn't stop, so Chakotay had a fairly good idea who was at the door.
"Come." He called wearily. He didn't bother to open his eyes.
The person entered, and Chakotay began drifting off again. After all the person would speak when she was good and ready and she didn't need any introduction, any amenities and there was no need to act as if she were a guest. She was welcome at anytime in any part of his life, even in this part, where he was worried about a friend, unsure how to proceed and a little frightened that he would mess things up. The person at the door knew him and he knew it would be impossible to hide those things from her. He didn't try.
Chakotay knew something was wrong when he heard hesitation and no footfalls. His suspicions were confirmed when he heard a male voice begin….
"I'm sorry to disturb you Commander, if you have a minute, I would like to….."
Chakotay cursed himself and leapt to his feet. He assumed that Kathryn would be the only member of the crew to be this persistent when he had posted privacy notices on his quarters. He forgot that in this instance there would be one other person even more anxious than the captain tonight for answers. He was perhaps the only person on the crew who was more worried than the Captain and himself for B'Elanna. His eyes fell on a very nervous and very unsure Tom Paris in his doorway.
"Sorry Tom, I thought you were someone else. Please come in."
Wordlessly the Lieutenant assigned to Conn entered his quarters and stood awkwardly in the entrance to his sitting area.
"Please have a seat. What can I do for you?" Chakotay asked but he realized the question was just a formality. He knew what Tom wanted to talk about. But now that he was involved, he would have to be careful what he said. He had assumed a role of confidant and that could never be betrayed to Tom because of the nature of the relationship between Tom and B'Elanna, even though the two were lovers
Tom sat, and tried to make himself comfortable. He didn't come straight to the point, he hemmed and hawed, started and stopped. Chakotay let him. It was an awkward situation, he felt it and he let Tom feel it. Chakotay wondered in the back of his mind if he wasn't a little angry with Tom, for letting B'Elanna reach to that level without intervention, for not telling people that something was wrong. In truth, he shouldn't blame Tom. He knew first hand how good B'Elanna was at hiding things that really hurt her. Blustering with anger, being belligerent, that had always been her style for hiding, so it should have registered on someone's sensors that something was very wrong when she was just quiet. He thought back to her reaction when he first gave her the news. She had been so angry, so he assumed that she was grieving that she was getting it out of her system. He missed the clues that were right in front of him. They had been under constant red alert for the first three months after and bored out of their minds for the next three months and that why he didn't notice that this was not her normal modus operandi. He shouldn't blame himself, and not knowing what was going on in Tom and B'Elanna's relationship, he shouldn't blame Tom either.
Chakotay realized that while his mind wandered, Tom had hemmed and hawed himself into silence. But still Chakotay waited. When had he learnt to be so patient when it came to these matters? In all other areas of his work, he was always fidgeting, in constant motion, except in this one. If Tom was trying to give a report, Chakotay would have had it out of him by now. Maybe B'Elanna was right, maybe without knowing it he had become ship's counselor. What did it say about their Captain that he had picked up these skills because he had to be supportive of her on this journey? What did it say about him that he was the only one that she trusted enough to do so emotionally?
Tom finally blurted out. "Chakotay, what is wrong with B'Elanna? What can I do? How can I help her? ……….I've been beating myself up pretty badly for not pushing the issue her and not making her tell me what was going on." Tom looked at Chakotay with a pleading look in his eye, but when he met the compassion in Chakotay's eyes, he couldn't take it and looked away. He fixed his gaze on an artifact that Chakotay had on his table in order to give himself strength to continue what he was saying. "The truth is, I was so relieved that we weren't fighting anymore, I didn't ask why. I just let her go out and try to hurt herself……I thought that if I just gave her time and space then everything would blow over….hell knows that's the way I normally deal with things…." Tom's voice was growing quieter and quieter after his opening question until head bowed, he said "….I just didn't want her to leave me, I thought that if I pushed it, that's what she'd do."
"Tom," Chakotay said just as quietly as he did. When Tom looked up again, this time he saw the pain in his Commanding Officer's eyes and even though he knew that it was just a pale shadow of the same in his eyes, that they were suffering together. Chakotay clasped his hands behind his back and continued sincerely. "I've know B'Elanna longer than you. If she doesn't want you to know something, you won't know no matter how close you are to her. Chakotay knew that first hand.
"But the clues where right there in front of me and I missed them." Tom said miserably.
"So did everyone else. No one on this ship is an island, and I don't care how involved anyone is, we all interact with a lot of people everyday. None of us picked it up, the Captain, Neelix, myself, even Harry didn't see that something was wrong and we saw the clues for the same period of time that you did. What's done is done. What's important now is what happens from this point on."
"What happens now Chakotay?" Tom's face was pained and begging him for the answers. Chakotay knew that it would be best not give it to him and he wouldn't not even if B'Elanna had told him to. For the sake of their relationship, they needed to talk to each other about it, to get through their part of it together, just as he and B'Elanna had to for the sake of their relationship both professional and personal.
"That's up to you and B'Elanna. Right now B'Elanna needs you, she needs all of us in a different way, but you especially. She may try to push you away with anger, with physical intimacy, with avoidance, with work, with everything she's got. Honestly, I think that now the cat's out of the bag……I think that she wants to talk, she wants to share, but she doesn't know how. She may make a lot of mistakes while she's doing it, but she'll try. Stand by her."
Swiftly as he finished the sentence, Tom got up and stared out of the viewport in Chakotay's quarters. He tried hard to make it seem as if there was something scratching him beneath his eyes, but Chakotay observed the droplets falling in the dark. His eye sight was 20/20. He walked silently and softly to where Tom was standing, stopping just outside his personal space.
"What if I say something wrong, what if she really pushes me away and tries to hurt herself again?" Tom's voice sounded hollow
"She won't do that" Chakotay replied studying him. Tom wrung his hands through his hair. Drying his hands Chakotay thought and he smiled sadly. Tom was trying so hard to mask the kind of pain that he felt. The rejection of what B'Elanna had tried to do to herself had cut him deeply.
"How do I know that?"
"Because this was a wake-up call to all of us. Her way of telling us, of telling herself that something was wrong. She's not going to hurt herself anymore. Tom….." Chakotay crossed the distance and put his hand lightly on the younger man's back. "…..trust her. And trust the love that you both share, it is a lot stronger than you think."
Tom turned at that point, but his head was still down. Slowly he raised it and met Chakotay's eyes. His haunted look met a kind one and he felt a little solace there. Tom drew strength from the older man's wiser eyes. He knew his eyes were bloodshot and raw and that tears were streaming down his face, but he didn't care. Chakotay told him earnestly. "She chose well, when she chose you. She chose someone who would risk finding himself…and losing himself…in loving her."
Tom's lower lip trembled, but he didn't break. "Thank you Chakotay," he choked out. He ran out the front door and nearly collided with……
Kathryn raised her hand to ring the chime on Chakotay's quarters just as the door opened just missed being knocked down as Tom was exiting.
"Captain" he muttered as he hurried past her. She didn't miss his face, nor the tears that he was wiping away furiously as he left. She made no move to stop him and ask him what the matter was. She knew. Turning slowly she faced Chakotay who was still standing with his hands behind his back.
"What can I do for you Kathryn?" Chakotay asked wearily, his voice now catching. He didn't know why. He was a little tired, but not sad. He believed every word that he told Tom. What happened today was just a start and it was a good one. B'Elanna had begun to heal.
Kathryn took a long look at Chakotay from the door way. He looked completely out of it, as if he was shutting down. She had come to his quarters as usual to do work. She wanted to get his advice on how to deal with B'Elanna's emotional wounds, to get him to liaise with the Doctor and to get his thoughts about her going back to her daily job. But she realized now, that Chakotay was in no shape for that. He was dressed for bed at 20:00 hrs, he had planned for it to be an early night and Tom's visit may have prevented that. Kathryn knew that it did not matter what was going through the Commander's mind at this time, and the fact that he and Tom still had their occasional run-ins, Chakotay would be there for him. Being there for him, for them was part to his commitment to the ship, his commitment to getting her crew home and by extension, his commitment to her.
Slowly she walked towards him and he kept his eyes on her. When she was close to him she looked at him intently and he looked at her again with a questioning look on his face. "Kathryn?" he started as she made her way towards him her arms open wide. She gave him a big bear hug. "Kathryn, it's OK, I'm alright." Chakotay muttered against her uniform, but his form almost sank into hers as she felt him let go of all that he had been holding in, for their sakes during the Malon attack, for B'Elanna's sake and even for her sake as he dealt with the immediate threat. He had dealt with emotional crises of the crew before, but this one would affect him more than the others. Most of his former family was lost and one of the survivors had almost taken herself away from them, away from him. It was a lot and Kathryn saw in Chakotay a man's whose last measure of strength for the day had just been drained by dealing with Tom.
She held him for a good while until he finally pulled away and broke the embrace. He looked at her as she put her palm against his cheek. He leaned into it feeling her warmth for a long time . When he raised his head he saw the concern lining her face. He smiled. It was the second time for the night and this time it was warm and genuine.
"I'm OK" He said and his voice was stronger now, light was back in his eyes. "I know you came here to discuss something with me. I see the PADDs. It's about B'Elanna?"
"Yes" Replied Kathryn still standing, "And it can wait. B'Elanna is being monitored discretely by the Doctor's program. We can get an early start in the morning and discuss it then. You are completely tired. Now then…"Kathryn's eyes twinkled, "You are dressed and ready for bed and I'm going to put you there... and before you ask me…Yes that's an order."
Chuckling, Chakotay gave her a mock salute. "Yes Ma'am" he imitated Tom Paris.
'Come on," she said herding him into bed. He got and she arranged the covers under his arms. "Are you going to read me a bed time story too?" He asked innocently, but Kathryn knew it not to take it too seriously as it was his twisted sense of humor coming into the fray.
"Only if you want me to." She uttered those words with a straight face.
"I think, I can manage without one tonight, rain check?" He snuggled in.
Kathryn looked at him sweetly. "Good-night," She was going to say something else, when a memory came to her mind. She remembered it was he who gave her the strength to continue and the safety net to be after her own personal crisis. She gave him the gift that he had given to her that night.
"Let it go and rest. Let me be the Captain and the First Officer tonight and worry about B'Elanna, I promise I'll worry enough for the both of us and you can pick up the burden in the morning." She gave a large smile, but it faded soon after when she noticed the intense look on her First Officer's face.
"Thank you Kathryn" He squeezed her hand and settled back and closed his eyes. Kathryn watched him, amazed. He was indeed asleep after two minutes. She went with her gut when she told him what she did and it was only now that she realized that was exactly what he needed.