The Future

The strangest thing about it is that he never blamed himself for supporting Kathryn when she decided to go through with the flight, even though it ended up with all hands lost. He gave to her, his best and in that instance his best was support, just as sixteen years ago, his best was contradiction. Kathryn had taken bigger risks than the slip stream flight. It seemed that he luck had run out in the middle of it.

But they were here to change that. This is what she would do if she were in his place, he had no doubts about that. Time would not stop her from getting her crew home. She would risk everything, even her career and freedom to do right by the people who had been stranded in the Delta Quadrant because of her decision. And by extension so would he. Kathryn was a frozen corpse on the compacted bridge of Voyager, but she had arms and legs and a voice….his. Time would not keep him from fulfilling his promise to her or the commitment he made to Voyager because of her. She did live on in him.

Chakotay watched the PADD in his hands again. He ran his fingers over it lightly as he remembered the occasion. A dinner like so many others and yet like no other.

One of the things he did when he first got back, after all the pomp and circumstance of their home coming, was to record everything that he could remember about Kathryn and their friendship. It was a way to fend the feelings of deep sorrow and profound loss that he felt in their disappearance, the disappearance of Voyager….again. Those logs supported him as they searched for the ship. And they prevented him from going over the abyss when Voyager was declared lost by Starfleet…..again. He remembered the entries.

He remembered them in it and it gave him courage and hope to persevere and to get to this point.

When we first started our journey Kathryn and I had been strangers, tip-toeing around each other. We became the Command Officers and then friends shortly after. At the time of the slip stream flight, we were best friends. The Captain and the Commander became Kathryn and Chakotay. There were hints of intimacy, but we both knew that being who we were and running Voyager would prevent us from ever taking that step. But we took every other step but that one and in some ways we transcended that one step. We were so close the last set of months before the slip stream drive. She had successfully come out of her depression and it seemed that she returned to us more aware of how precious the family that we built on Voyager was. Right after that, dinner invitations that were normally given days in advance became spontaneous events where we would discuss…whatever. We use to enter each other's domain only when invited, but then at the end of the fourth year in the Delta Quadrant, we began to storm into each other's offices, quarters and lives uninvited because we knew when one of us needed to do that. The defining moments of our friendship were not only in the extraordinary things that happened to us, but in the ordinary. In the small moments that led to that one moment in time.

The Past

"Hungry Chakotay?"

"Famished, but I was going to go into the Mess Hall"

"You may not want to do that Commander" Kathryn made a face and Chakotay looked puzzled until a thought hit him. Then he looked downright scared.

"Don't tell me…."

"Yep" Kathryn confirmed it.

"This is the third straight day in a row, when will it end?"

"I have it on good authority that as of this meal, the stocks are finished and since we've passed that particular world light years ago…." Kathryn left the rest for him to infer.

"On second thought, I think I will join you." Chakotay stood behind her at her replicator. Kathryn followed him as he took his food to the table, and they were silent as they prepared to eat.

"How's B'Elanna?" So that's why she wanted him to join her. He was tired, but his eyes twinkled.

"We got through the memorial service OK, but it was hard for her. I've noticed that her wit is coming back; I've been threatened with bodily harm twice, so I think that she's on the mend."

At the mention of the service, his face demeanour changed slightly and Kathryn did not miss it. She reached across the table and put her hand on his arm.

"What about you? Are you on the mend?" she asked softly

"What do you mean?" Chakotay looked perplexed.

"You didn't have a memorial service before, Chakotay, so I know that your grief is a little more intense now." He looked down. He should have known better that this would not have slipped Kathryn's attention.

"It is." He said it simply and continued eating. Kathryn removed her hand and did the same. The silence was absolute, but still comfortable. Chakotay marvelled at that. The pain of his loss was there and he knew that Kathryn could see it, but he didn't withdraw. With Kathryn as they were now, he could just be; no matter what he was feeling. It was a great gift.

With that thought, he suddenly looked up and caught her studying carefully.

"When we get back home, I'll visit the cell hideouts, where they fell. I'll say my goodbyes then and there."

"If it's OK with you, I would like to join you when you go."

That surprised Chakotay

"Why?"

"They were special to you and as your best friend they're special to me."

"I'd like that. I wanted to invite B'Elanna, but that may not seem like such a good idea and I know I didn't want to go alone."

They continued eating. When they had finished, Kathryn very quietly said, "Tell me about them"

The memories came back to him with her words. The people that he had risked his life with and for, the ones for whom he had become an outlaw became real and he began to describe them to Kathryn as if she would meet them someday.

He felt the pain ease a bit and his spirit became lighter. When he realized this, he stopped in mid sentence and gave a big smile.

Kathryn looked at him curiously.

"What?"

"Nothing" and he continued his story.

Now he knew for certain why she had invited him for lunch and he was grateful that he took her up on her offer.

"You kissed her?"

"Well actually she kissed me at first, but she was so good at doing it, that I just had to reciprocate."

"Let me ask you something Chakotay. What's wrong with the human female that you seem to fancy the ABOTW?"

"The ABOTW?" Chakotay looked at her questioningly. He was sprawled out in the armchair in her quarters eyeing Kathryn on the couch. He was still in uniform, while she was in civvies. They looked like comfort clothes and indeed Kathryn looked very comfortable as she sat with her legs tucked in under her. He had gone to her quarters after dinner, when he saw that she didn't appear in the Mess Hall. It was odd, there was no special reason, he just wanted to talk to her and Kathryn for her part had sensed this, because as soon as she saw him standing there, she invited him in.

"Alien Babe Of The Week" She supplied the full meaning to the anagram.

Chakotay burst out laughing. "Babe huh, you know what she looks like under all that genetic manipulation."

"But that didn't stop you from kissing her. Her human form was quite…sexy, I'll give you that but still…." Kathryn pouted her lips at that comment, and Chakotay laughed at her.

"I don't know if you're fussing like a mother hen, or if you're jealous." Kathryn leaned over and playfully smacked him lightly.

"It that's your taste in women, you'd better believe I'm just fussing." She gave a wide smile.

Chakotay continued laughing for a while and then sobered up as he thought of something

"It was kind of scary though, the way that we hit if off so fast. They certainly can imitate sexual chemistry well enough, can you image what they could do to hate, obsession and anger."

Kathryn wasn't in an introspective mood that night. As far as she was concerned, it was over and at least one species wasn't going to be hunting the humans down to kill them. At least she hoped so. But she wasn't through with Chakotay. She was just in that kind of mood that night.

"Is it that we're too complicated, or that human women are not complicated enough? Are we just a plain wrapped species? What?"

"Well if you must know.." Chakotay drew himself up at that and stared at Kathryn earnestly.

"It's a way of exploring. You have to admit, when you're in an intimate relationship, you'd better under the others customs by doing it, and others way of life by living it, or else you're not going to make it."

"Hmmm" Kathryn looked at him amused.

"What about you, you've never……"

"What? Dated outside of my species? No."

"See, there are all sorts of first contact situations that you have missed out on."

"I will admit though, it would have been interesting to pursue a relationship. I wonder how she would have handled being a paired human female."

"And I know…." Chakotay had been speaking so freely to Kathryn as his best friend that the thought almost slipped out of his mouth. He stopped and started again. "Never mind that, Kathryn it's getting late……."He got up to leave. He must have been too comfortable and if he were to follow the tract that he was on now, he was going to make them a lot more uncomfortable.

"Chakotay….." Kathryn got up with him and touched his arm as he stood up.

"And you know that you could have used the intimacy to fill the need to be with somebody physically." She finished for him.

Now he was a little embarrassed and it took a while to look at Kathryn. But when he did, he saw a small sad smile on her face and he really didn't know if she was seeing him or remembering something.

"I know Chakotay." Now, her eyes focused on him and she held him in her gaze. She put her hand on his cheek.

"Good-night Chakotay."

"Good-night Kathryn." It was time to leave. That much he did know. He turned away but Kathryn's voice made him turn back.

"Don't forget, you're not alone. You have me as I have you. I know it's hard to believe right now with everything you've gone through, but you'll find that special someone one day and when that day comes I'll let you go, knowing you are where you are supposed to be."

Funny, I though my place was by your side

Always

Isn't that where I'm supposed to be?

He chased the thought as Kathryn said

"Sleep well my friend" She communicated her care in her voice

He gave a small smile and left.

"Chakotay!"

With her utterance of his name he stopped and waited in the corridor until she caught up with him. When she did, she didn't miss the look of concern on his face.

"May I talk to you for a moment?"

He was just in front of his quarters and she didn't speak until he let her in. Kathryn did something unexpected at that point. She positioned herself on the couch. Chakotay stared at her for a little while, puzzled and then realizing that whatever it was she wanted to discuss, it would take a while, he went to the replicator.

"Coffee?"

"No thanks." He wheeled around and stared at her, surprise marking his face.

"No!"

Kathryn smiled at his reaction. "I've had enough and I'm having trouble sleeping, so I want to make sure that I get some rest tonight."

"Anything else?"

"Tea , would be nice, you know any fruit blends?"

"Computer, one cup of spiced tea and one cup of cranberry tea." Their drinks materialized from the machine and he gave Kathryn her cup.

"What's on your mind."

"I tried to call you for the whole afternoon, but I kept getting the privacy lock."

Chakotay frowned. "Why didn't you override it?"

"Because the only time you ever engage privacy locks is when you're dealing with a personnel crisis. You don't even do it when you're off duty."

"I don't huh, I never even realized that."

"I'm good with patters of behaviour, except my own of course" Kathryn gave a small smile.

"How's Neelix" She continued. Now Chakotay was truly puzzled.

"How did you know?"

"I had a feeling that the events of the past week would be weighing heavily on his mind so I asked the computer where he was when I found that I could not enter your office."

"It was that obvious."

"I don't know if you know, but Neomi found out about her mother's shuttle being lost when she wandered on the bridge. Neelix never got a chance to tell her."

Chakotay was uncharacteristically quiet and Kathryn knew why. He knew because that was the reason that Neelix had come to see him during the afternoon. Neelix needed to unburden himself when the possibility of becoming Naomi's guardian because of a tragedy became real the past week. He may have had to deal with the fact that his grief over losing his family the way that he did was now a little rawer than it was before and it was on this point that Kathryn needed to talk to Chakotay.

Kathryn put down her cup and looked at her first officer. He was quietly sipping his tea, but his face had a trace of sadness that she hadn't seen before.

"Chakotay," he looked at her. "Is Neelix in danger?"

That would be the one reason that she would have come to his quarters and gently prying into what was going on with Neelix. Everything else he knew was confidential, but if Neelix was in danger of hurting himself or someone else, the Captain needed to know.

"No, I would have told you if he were." Chakotay put his cup down and his eyes made contact with hers.

"I just wanted to make sure that you wouldn't keep it to yourself in the name of doctor/patient, friends privilege or even try to deal with it yourself."

"I wouldn't do that Kathryn, if there was any indication that Neelix was suicidal again, I would have told you."

Kathryn nodded and continued sipping her tea and Chakotay began doing the same. She was still watching him though, and he had the feeling that there was still something else. Kathryn finished her tea and put the cup down.

"I also wanted to know how you were doing."

So that was it. Chakotay was genuinely touched by her concern. That was the reason that she had gone out of her way to meet him in his quarters. To see for herself how he was doing.

He smiled and it was a big one. "I'm fine. Are you going to be coming to see me every time I handle a personnel crisis?" His eyes twinkled.

Kathryn stood up and was serious as she said.

"Only the ones that have to deal with you becoming the Messenger of Great Mother for our Tribe" She held him in her gaze and Chakotay's hand shook as those words pierced him. Some tea splashed on his hand as his whole body shook momentarily. He wiped it away quickly on his uniform and stood up to meet Kathryn in her personal space as was his custom.

"What did you say?" He demanded an answer from her, his voice raspy as the implications of what she had just said came to him all at once.

"That is what you are becoming, what is happening to be, what you know in your soul is what needs to happen to you."

Chakotay turned and walked two steps away from her, and then stopped suddenly. His breath was ragged and he was panting as he struggled to hear in his heart the words that she was uttering. To let them sink in. Because they were like hot coals burning in his being, yet the fire that she had ignited with her words was not consuming him, but transforming him. It was right, but he was scared; he was embarrassed and he felt unworthy of the gift that she spoke about; embarrassed that the knowledge had come from her. But he knew in his heart of heart she was right.

For the second time in five years he had a moment of absolute clarity. This is what he was being called to be and for that reason he was struggling with the knowledge. The first moment told him what he must do, and all of his actions flowed from that commitment. The second moment was telling him what he must be and that was extremely difficult, especially when he looked at himself and realized his own broken-ness.

Kathryn stood still for a moment gauging his response. She was certain she was right and his reaction to her announcement confirmed it. She didn't know why herself, but it did feel right. Maybe five years ago, she would have just brushed it off as his belief and known in her heart that there was a scientific explanation for everything that was occurring right now. But in five years especially with Chakotay as her first officer, she had moved passed that. It didn't matter how she knew that she was correct, if it was pure gut instinct based on past observances, or faith, or a spirit at work as he would claim. The point was that she knew and she needed to communicate the information to him in the manner that would benefit him the most.

"Do you know what you're saying?" He asked in a croak, his voice unsteady.

Kathryn walked around so she could face him. His eyes were closed and his fists were clenched. He was fighting the knowledge every step of the way. That was OK. What was important now was that she said these things to him. She was silent.

Chakotay had heard her come around and was waiting for her to speak. But she didn't, and he knew what she was waiting on. Slowly he opened his eyes and met her expression. It was one of encouragement and it gave him hope.

"I remember you said that Kes was our Great Mother Messenger during the first part of our journey during her farewell service. I remember thinking that whoever was next was going to have great shoes to fill. When the crew began this….Year of Hell, when we entered Borg space and you helped Harry, Neelix, me and B'Elanna deal with their emotional crises I knew who Great Mother had chosen to begin filling those shoes. I also did a little research. Normally the messenger is female and older, but her wisdom is the key. The members of the Tribe flock to her because they know that she is guided by the spirits of the ancestors. She is the physical medium by which the wisdom of the ancestors is communicated to the Tribe."

"You think I'm wise Kathryn?'

"If by wise you mean sensible and able to learn from your mistakes and impart that knowledge to others, I say yes." She saw the doubt in his eyes.

"You have also display all the other characteristics of a Messenger. Strong character, unwavering in faith, kind, compassionate, a person who looks beyond the superficial, refutes lies in all forms and sees the truth, no matter how ugly it may be." Kathryn gave a wry smile as she thought back to the months before.

"I have first hand knowledge of that last one." A smile tugged on the corners of his mouth. Kathryn reached out and touched his cheek, communicating her support.

"I know that now that the knowledge is out you will begin to question and to journey. I know that you'll pray and reach within yourself to find the resolution that you need. Maybe you will decide this is your calling or not as I don't know what else it requires besides what I've read. But I do know that whatever happens, you will always stand with any member of this crew in their time of greatest emotional need when asked and that's enough to qualify you as Messenger in my book."

"I came here to remind you that whenever the burden is great, that I am here. We are in this together Chakotay and I am with you………

Always.

The wry smile that was on her face became a shy one, tentative and finally a large one with wonder in it. It communicated to him the gift that he was to her ship, this mission, its crew and then to her. His hand held hers at his cheek for a moment and then they both let go.

"Good-night." With that she turned and left.

Chakotay could not speak. His heart was too full.

The Future

Two moments of clarity in five years and for the next fifteen years he felt as if he had been drifting, with no clear purpose, with no clear goal until Harry contacted him. There was Tessa. He loved her dearly, but not as he could have or even as he should have because a significant piece of him was still here frozen in time. Maybe this was not one of the wisest decision he ever made, but as he put the PADD in his chest pocket, he just knew that it was something he had to do. He made his way to the bridge.

And so it would end. As he put his hand on Tessa's, he prepared to depart this life and go into the next. There was still a profound sadness in that acceptance. They had failed. His arm compressed the PADD in his pocket and he felt it warming against his skin. In the 2nd second he felt something else. Hope coursed through his veins as he felt pulled back. He knew all was as it should be. With his last thought he wished Tessa well in a life where she never met him, but he was joy-filled of the prospect of going back where he knew he was destined to be.