"Come"

Chakotay barely looked up for the reports he was working on when the chime sounded in his office. It was only when his visitor cleared her throat that he stopped suddenly and looked up.

"What can I do for you B'Elanna?"

She strode into the room, purposely and forcefully as if she was getting her courage up to approach him. He was aware of it instantly and when she extended her hand to give him a PADD, he put aside the three that he had spread out on the desk in front of him.

"What's this?"

"The final modification on the Slip Stream drive. Seven and I just completed it today and with your permission we would like to begin construction in three days, it will take us that long to get the materials together."

"I'll show it to the Captain, after I look it over. I know that you'll have your answer before then." Chakotay put the PADD down, stood up from his desk and walked around so that he was standing facing her, in her personal space. He wanted to examine her a little more closely than from behind the desk and he wanted to give her a chance to approach him if she wanted to. He hadn't allowed her to run away from him in the Holodeck, but he had not approached her since. Somehow that felt right. He didn't know why but it did. He knew that she and Tom to work some things out first. And he knew B'Elanna, she wouldn't walk away from this fight now that she had faced and named her demons. She hadn't before.

Chakotay also knew that Kathryn had received a report from the Doctor about B'Elanna's lack of 'sessions'. The physician was concerned that with no forced appointments to make her talk about why she was in effect self-mutilating, that the problem could re-appear, even though her holodeck privileges had been revoked. Kathryn had noted her response to the Doctor in an official reply informing him that the matter was being handled by her first officer who was in charge of personnel. She also went on to state that though Chakotay was not trained in psychiatry or psychology he had successfully helped other members of the crew in their personal crisis periods and was the only member to gain Ms Torres' trust to find out what was driving her to hurt herself. Ms Torres herself has been co-operating and reporting to sickbay every week to ensure that she has not sustained any un-explained injuries. Based on these factors, Chakotay has her full support and authorization to proceed however he sees fit in dealing with the chief engineer.

Kathryn had left both a copy of the letter and her response on a PADD on his desk one morning. She never said a word about the incident.

Trust me to trust you to trust yourself

So he did.

"How are things going?" He expected her to go on about ship systems, but she surprised him when she said, "OK, I've been taking things easy, thinking, talking to Tom."

Chakotay almost reeled, who was this person speaking to him? He had been ready at this moment to pry it out of her, but she had volunteered the information. He gestured to the couch, "Tell me"

She sat at the same time with him. B'Elanna squared her shoulders and placed her palms flat out on her knees, she was working up the courage to say something. Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder.

"B'Elanna, relax, just tell me what's going on as much as you want to; whatever you want to say."

"How come you haven't made me go to any therapy 'sessions' "

"Do you need them?"

"No, no" She said quickly. "And even if I did, I think the Doctor would be the last person I want it with" This was said with a little more passion than anything else. Chakotay had a twinkle in his eye

"I know, why do you think that he has lodged a complaint with the Captain?"

B'Elanna took a sharp intake of breath, "What did she say?"

"She officially told the Doctor that she trusts me implicitly to handle your 'sessions' anyway I see fit."

"But we haven't had any." She pressed on.

'Exactly. That's the way I see fit." B'Elanna smiled. "Good, because I meant it when I said I would break your neck"

"Well I don't need to try that little stunt in the holodeck again and even if I did; you wouldn't. You say it convincingly enough though"

"Try me."

"No."

And then silence. Chakotay watch her calm herself down, his hand was still on her shoulder.

"I meant what I said in the Holodeck when I told you I didn't know how to start grieving. You said that we would figure it out together, does you offer still stand?"

"Of course"

"What did you do to grieve?"

"Nothing"

"Nothing?"

"I just let myself be" B'Elanna was looking at him in disbelief. She inquired. "You didn't perform a ritual ceremony, a chant, or go on a vision quest to meet them?"

Chakotay knew where she was going with this, and took her clasped hands in front of her gently into his own hands. Her hands were small and he noticed with surprise, they were trembling. She used those hands to manipulate machinery and enable it to do what it was never intended to do in a fraction of the time that it would take normal engineers. He'd seen those hands fly over computer consuls, programming faster than the speed of her own thoughts at time. Steady, sure and confident; it saddened him that these hands were made so unsteady now.

"B'Elanna" he said softly. He felt the hands stop trembling and relax slightly. "You can't find a magic solution or perform one ceremony that will begin and end grieving, it's a process and there is no right way or wrong way to do it, you just grieve. And there are as many processes as there are species." Chakotay was silent for a little while. B'Elanna looked at him saddened. She realized that he had deflected the question, and not answered her about what he had done to grieve. That was what she really wanted to know, she had wanted to take her cue from him. She loved Tom with all her heart and she knew that, but she loved Chakotay in a very different way and sometimes it was almost as intense and her love for Tom. They had both been through so much and lost so much…..she just wanted to share something with him at this time.

Chakotay saw the look that passed across her face and misinterpreted its source. He continued.

"The rituals, the ceremonies and vision quests are just one way that my people as humans deal with loss, the grieving still goes on in traditional ways for humans. The ceremonies force us to confront what has happened and not run away from reality. For some it does not even do that. B'Elanna you are part human and part Klingon. I know that Klingons give one shout at the time of passing of the soul to Sto-Vo-Kor, and the body is left where ever it fell, the important part has gone on. Once the warrior has died in battle, then the people who are left behind assume his is Sto'VoKor and tell of his great deeds in song and story, but humans are a different story. B'Elanna, don't try to deal with this as a Klingon and just move on with your life, there is another part of you that needs time to feel and to grieve."

B'Elanna had been looking at him intently, but at that last statement she lowered her head. Chakotay knew that he had gotten through to her and that she was indeed trying to be what she estimated was the proper way of handling her grief, the Klingon way. He however didn't break her gaze.

"As for myself…" B'Elanna turned sharply to face him, his face clouded over as he continued. "There were good days and there were bad days, ask any member of the bridge crew who came to my office with shoddy work that week. There were days when I honored them and was proud to have known them as they gave their life for something they believed in. There were days that I felt so guilty for not being there with them that I couldn't look the Captain in her face, I was so angry for her stranding us here. There were days, when I though that this is what life had in store for all of us and I accepted the loss. And there were days when I came off of duty and shut myself in my quarters and cried as I remembered all our times together in the Maquis, the promises that we made to see our cause through to the end, until all the Cardassians were driven out of our territory. It was a pretty bad month."

B'Elanna's heart jumped as she listened to him telling her all of what he had gone through. He had never ever been so intimate with her in the entire time that she knew him. Chakotay for his part saw the naked admiration in her eyes. He released her hand and turned his head slightly from her to continue. "I know most of you didn't see it, that's one of the reasons that sometimes, you really don't want to be wearing a red uniform. Command does not end, when the danger is past and when duty shift ends. I had to be there for others, to buffer some anger, to stand with them in sorrow, and to help them realize that just because the cause was over, their life wasn't."

"Was there no-one for you? What about the Captain?" B'Elanna stared out the outline of his face from her side view. Chakotay turned and stared at her. B'Elanna gave a small smile, "Relax Chakotay, I'm not trying to find out anything about the two of you, and I know you wouldn't tell me either way so it doesn't matter. But the whole crew knows how close you two are and I know you Chakotay…..I have never seen you that comfortable, that open around anyone, not even Seska when the two of you were intimate. Didn't she help you grieve in some way" Chakotay gave her a sharp look, but B'Elanna did not back down, she was waiting on an answer to her question.

Chakotay gave her one. "She didn't know B'Elanna so wasn't there, I didn't tell her what happened until three months after."

"Why?" B'Elanna was surprised at that. Chakotay gave a half shrug at that. "I just wasn't ready for her to know. I needed to be there for the Maquis as their ex-leader, and I didn't want her involved in the situation because I didn't want to address it as the First Officer, and I just wasn't ready to share my grief with her until then."

"But you told me…..you told me first." B'Elanna pointed to herself in shock. Chakotay looked at her with a puzzled look on his face. "Why do you find that so surprising? You of all people had to know first being in a position of authority both here and in the Maquis. And, to be honest I wanted to be with you then, to share the grief with you….."

"And I pushed you away like I always do everyone who tries to reach me." The look of self-disgust and loathing that crossed her face was more than Chakotay could bear. "B'Elanna…" He tugged at her crossed arms in an attempt to shake those thoughts from her. She let her arms fall, and he continued earnestly, "You weren't ready and that was the way it had to be, don't apologize for it. It wasn't time then, but it's time now. Just like it wasn't time until a few weeks ago to let us know what was wrong."

"But I didn't let you know, you had to pry it out of me." B'Elanna dashed at her eyes wiping her tears. Chakotay took her hand and gently held it. His eyes told her to let the tears falls as they wanted to, so she did. "B'Elanna, I know you. If you didn't want to tell me what was going on, you wouldn't have. We would have just stood there in the Holodeck. You lied, pushed everyone away, withdrew from your entire life and when you were caught trying to hurt yourself, you told the Captain everything you thought that she wanted to hear except the truth. I manhandled you, I shook you, dragged you, and shouted at you. Now why the hell didn't you clock me a good one? I thought I was going to limp out of that Holodeck with a broken nose and ribs."

"Then why did you do it?"

"One of my closest friends was in pain and hurting herself. You would have had to render me unconscious before I left you alone. I knew that the yelling and manhandling would wake you up and possibly make you upset enough that the truth might just come out. And it did. I was not just going to abandoned you to yourself, you were going to tell me what was going on, whether you wanted to or not, whether you injured me or not in the process."

B'Elanna turned away from him then, embarrassed by the earnestness and steadfastness that she saw in his eyes. He shook her leg to get her to look at him, she did so briefly and then looked down. He raised her chin so that she would face him directly in his eyes. B'Elanna gave a sharp intake of breath remembering who had done that to her before. She fleetingly thought of what it might mean that he was mimicking the Captain. Chakotay ignored what he saw in B'Elanna's eyes as he continued, "Do you remember when we were captured by the Subu? You told us the story of how you came to be in the Maquis, you told us a lot of things that night and one thing that I never forgot; how happy you were that you had found a family for yourself after what had happened to you in your childhood. When I found that program in your personal holodeck database, I was shocked, but then I knew what was going on. I was actually upset with myself for not thinking of how losing this second family that you had substituted for your first would affect you and not come to you sooner."

"Please don't blame yourself for this." B'Elanna begged, Chakotay smiled at that, "Blame is irrelevant. I'm just glad that right now I have you back."

B'Elanna worked up her courage to ask the following question. "You know Chakotay you never responded to what I had said at that time about my earlier feelings for you?" Chakotay's eyes twinkled. "Why are you asking this now, you still have them?" "No," she playfully slapped his arm. "I was going to ask if Tom knew about that?" He smiled, but B'Elanna remained serious, now that she had worked up the courage she was going to continue, "I just wondered what you thought about it?" The corners of Chakotay's mouth went up. "I was embarrassed." B'Elanna's jaw dropped, "You were, why?"

"Frankly, I don't understand what all you women see in me?"

"Chakotay, the fact that we are sitting here right now answers that question. You are one of the most steadfast people I know, when you do something, you give your all to it. Every woman within one month of knowing you realizes that to be with you in whatever way means that you will give your best to them."

"Humph" Chakotay gave a slight snort to that and looked away briefly, his face flushed.

My best, yes….but not myself
There is only one woman who got me to give myself……but never all of me.
I couldn't give all of me.

B'Elanna saw that he had reddened, but the color faded as he looked back at her. "B'Elanna, why did you create that program to watch all the members of our Maquis group get slaughtered? What were hoping to do in it?"

As he asked the question, B'Elanna got up and marched over to the door. Chakotay was so stunned that she was running away, that it took several moments to realize what she was doing. Before he could call out her name, she stopped and hesitated. Making a decision she turned back to face him, but her face was what got him. All of a sudden the blank look came back. Chakotay had hit too close to something that B'Elanna didn't seem she knew how to deal with, so she shut down.

"B'Elanna…….." He said softly, but he did not get off the couch, did not approach her in anyway and did not lock to the door.

A chirp sounded.

"Janeway to Torres,"

"Yes Captain." The dead voice was back and Chakotay knew that Kathryn had heard it as the pause that followed was heavy.

"Please report to the ready room, there are some things I would like to discuss with you on the drive. I've had an inspiration last night."

Before B'Elanna could answer, Chakotay tapped his combadge

"Chakotay to Janeway."

"Janeway here."

"Captain, Lt Torres is with me right now, can it wait for a couple of hours"

"Commander what's going on?" Kathryn sounded peeved. He imagined that she was chomping at the bit to get going with whatever she was working on and was not taking kindly to the any kind of delay. And of course there was her insatiable curiosity.

"Kathryn it's important."

There was a long pause and a hesitation as Kathryn answered. "All right Chakotay, it'll keep. Have Lt Torres report to me as soon as she can."

B'Elanna was amazed that Chakotay could have dissuaded the captain that quickly and he seem to have done it by uttering her name. She knew she was right when she had told Tom that Chakotay was the Captain's best friend. Her thoughts on Chakotay's and the Captain's relationship came to a screeching halt when she saw the look on Chakotay's face. He continued in the same tone that he had before the Captain had interrupted them

"Don't run anymore, don't shut us out,…..don't shut me out. Why did you create that program?" The pain that cut through B'Elanna was like a hot knife as his soft words penetrated her. She was in the middle of trying to stop it, but she didn't. She just let all the emotion come out. All that she had been holding back for so long came pouring out of her. The tears that were coming down her face were blinding and hot and B'Elanna found that she couldn't stand, she slumped to the floor, at the side of his chair, hiding her face in her hands as she cried. Chakotay silently sat as close to her as he could and then touched her. She collapsed against him and he held her as she cried. She began howling and shrieking, her pain coming out like a damn that had been held by a flimsy wall that had finally given way. His eardrums were splitting, his head spinning but still he held on to her. He didn't hear the chime at his door, but his combadge chirped.

"Janeway to Chakotay" B'Elanna was still screaming, and Chakotay knew that she either didn't hear the chime or she didn't care. But he knew if he were to answer then it would break B'Elanna out of her grieving and she would slip away again.

'Kathryn…..don't…..trust me.'

He projected that thought as hard as he could.