The Past

"Dinner Plans?"

"Nothing special, just a date with a replicator."

"Cancel it, that's an order" Chakotay's eyes were twinkling when he said it.

Kathryn shivered remembering that last time.

"Déjà vu?" Chakotay asked innocently.

"Didn't we have this conversation before?" She looked at him for confirmation. He nodded.

"Roles reversed, and I wanted to have it again, my quarters this time, 19:00 hrs?" His hands were on his waist and he stood in the same manner he would if he were addressing one of his employees.

"Yes sir" She said with a mock salute and she left the bridge to go off duty.

When she entered his quarters, he did a double take. She was in civvies; a beige flowing pants suit and she had done something special with her hair. It framed her face differently, but it highlighted her cheek bones which were accentuated with just the right amount of colour which matched her lips. Seeing the surprise on his face she blushed slightly.

"I hope that this isn't too formal for what you have in mind?"

"Well I did ask you to cancel your date with a replicator, but I didn't realize that implicit in that dinner invitation was casual attire."

She gave him a bemused look

"I asked you to dinner Kathryn," he continued, "however you wanted to show up is up to you."

Grateful that he didn't pursue the matter further, walked further into his quarters and placed something on the coffee table in his living area. Chakotay was still at the replicator putting the finishing touches on their meal, but he didn't miss her actions.

"What's that?" He asked returning to the dining table with a large bowl.

"Just something for after dinner. What's for dinner, it smells wonderful." Kathryn seated herself at the table as Chakotay lifted the cover off their meal.

"Mushroom soup, made out of mushrooms that I grew in the areoponics bay," Chakotay said with a flourish. Kathryn's eyes lit up.

"You made it! With real mushrooms from your garden?" She exclaimed in wonder, as he served her some and poured the wine that he had chilling in a bucket on the table.

"What's the special occasion?"

"At first it was supposed to be our victory celebration for reaching home, but I thought about it and the Mushrooms wouldn't last another 40 years." His eyes were playing with hers. Kathryn looked down and dipping her spoon into the soup said,

"OK, here goes." And took a sip. The flavour exploded on her tongue and there was a kind of mystery to it that she couldn't place.

"This is delicious Chakotay." She took another sip and he broke a piece of bread and gave it to her.

"I don't think that this is supposed to be eaten like this, but here is some Macra bread, it will have an interesting taste when you dip it in the soup and eat it"

It did. Kathryn and Chakotay continued eating and Kathryn found herself relaxing in the silence. It wasn't totally silent, as Chakotay had Kitarian music playing softly in the background. The particular piece was particularly soothing and the lead instrument that sounded like a terran flute played a particularly haunting melody. She finished eating first and as she waited for Chakotay to finish, she sipped her wine lost in thought. Chakotay had been getting up throughout the meal to replenish wine, soup and bread and when he got up when they were finished she asked if she could help clear the table. He agreed and after he put some dishes in the replicator, he pardoned himself and went into his bedroom.

Kathryn was seated at the table when he returned, and after taking his seat he slid an object towards her. It was a penny. Kathryn beamed.

"You were quiet at dinner." He started.

"I was hungry and I enjoyed it immensely." She told him by way of explanation. He was quiet, his eyes on her face searching. After about a minute of silence, Kathryn continued.

"I put in my daily log that there was a renewed sense of hope, now that we will make it back to earth in this lifetime and it's the truth, I do feel it….but this whole thing has me a little unsettled. Chakotay,…." Kathryn rested her chin on the clasped hands, elbows on the table and pinned him with her gaze, "Why didn't you appose my decision a little more?" Her eyes were pleading and he realized that she trying to understand his actions, because she understood hers all too well. She took a chance and she was accustomed to taking chances, but she was not accustomed to failure, to her luck running out and she was trying to understand if she could trust him to save her from herself.

"Last time, we almost came close to me relieving you from duty. But this time there was barely a fuss. Don't get me wrong I was grateful, I didn't want to have someone believing that this was a bad decision at the helm of the Delta Flyer, but it was in the back of my mind and now finding out what happened……"

"You want to know" Chakotay finished for her. He leaned back in his chair and sipped his wine.

"We've taken big risks before, like our alliance with the Borg, our first slip stream flight and we've always managed to come out all right. You have an uncanny ability to beat the odds Captain, with only our own lives at stake in this instant, I decided to trust in your ability. I had to say my piece in your quarters just to ensure that you knew what you were getting into."

"But I was wrong this time, wasn't I Chakotay?" Her voice was hollow.

"Yes you were. You know from the beginning I've been trying to get you to understand is that it's the journey that's more important than the destination. If Harry Kim wasn't so changed by being on this journey, if he didn't see how important it was for everyone to make it home, not just himself, he would have never set things right."

"I keep thinking about that." Do you know how many directives he would have broken in order to go back in time to save us? Voyager must have lost all hands for Harry to risk his career and his very life to save us. He has given us a second chance; he has given me a second chance."

Kathryn paused for a while and fixed him with her gaze. She smiled,

"And I don't think he acted alone."

"Neither do I." Chakotay answered her returning a small smile of his own. He had been thinking about it. If Harry made it back in one piece, then most likely he did too, and he knew that he was there helping him save the lives of 150 men and women and one child who had become his family. Given the promises that he had made to Kathryn, he knew that no matter what future he ended up in, he could do nothing else.

They were both silent for a while and then Chakotay leaned forward and studied his Captain.

"How was Harry when you saw him and gave him the message?"

"He was in the Mess Hall with slip stream calculations and with a cloud of guilt hanging over him."

"Did you say anything to him?"

"I told him that he should focus on what matters instead of what could have happened; sometime, somewhere he came through for us, he made up for his mistake…..and mine."

"Well then Kathryn, why are you feeling guilty? He gave you a second chance, be grateful and don't waste it." Chakotay smiled at her.

Kathryn did indeed feel as if the fog was lifting, "I thought you were supposed to be asking me to step out of myself in my blind spots and we all know that getting the crew home isn't a just a blind spot for me…"

"It's a void area of space, I know" Chakotay finished for her, "But…." He took the time to pour some more wine and collect his thoughts. "You're still the Captain and you will always have the benefit of the doubt when you're taking risks. As long as we're the only ones who will get hurt from our risk taking and it isn't unreasonable, then I'll act as your conscience and the final decision in the end, will always be yours." He took a drink after he finished speaking.

"You wouldn't stage a mutiny and upstage my authority when I get too out of hand?" She was smiling, but she already knew the answer to that question. He on the other hand was dead serious.

"I would never do that, if we are going down, we are going down together." He uttered those words quietly and they fell into silence.

After a while he said gently, "You brought something for after dinner?"

"I have a favour to ask"

"Name it"

Their friendship had evolved to this place.

Kathryn felt peace in the knowledge that no matter what, he would always be there and she was certain, even if they got home tomorrow and went their separate ways they would still always be there for each other in whatever way the other needed it. She got up from the table and back with a portable holo-projector and a book. Chakotay recognized the book with his ancestral mark on the cover. He looked questioningly at Kathryn.

"I've been re-reading this letter almost every day this week and I can hear you speaking the words in my mind when I do. In it, you've said that you wrote this because you didn't know if you would have the eloquence to say it to me face to face. I'd like you to read this and store in this holo-projector. I wanted to be there when you read it. I can't explain it, but I need to hear these words spoken to me in your voice and to see your image when you speak them."

His expression was a soft one when he took the book. His eyes met Kathryn's and with her uncertain look he answered with one of support. He held up his hand and realizing what he was doing, she took it, fingers entwined. With his free hand he started the holo-projector and began reading.

At first, he read a little haltingly but as the words began to sink in Chakotay remembered what had been behind the words and what had inspired his writing them. He then began to speak to Kathryn. Everything that they experienced was in that letter. And everything he believed. When he was finished, he smiled through his tears…….

because he realized that Kathryn was doing the same.