Chapter 8: Sickle For Your Thoughts

Wow … needless to say, I'm having a little bit of trouble comprehending all of this. I'm just a tad bit shell-shocked. I can't believe … I just, I don't understand how there is so much that I don't know. I thought I was so great, so smart. That I was so much better than Potter because he was just some stupid twit, who knew nothing about what was really going on, just doing whatever Dumbledore told him to do. But now … now it seems as if I'm the stupid twit.

I'm probably going to wake up in the morning and feel extremely idiotic for doing this, but Mum … if you're there … if you can hear me. I need help, gods I need more help than I ever knew. I thought I was getting along just fine with everything … but I was lying to myself and everyone else, because I'm not. Every night I go to bed hoping that I'll wake up the next morning and this will all have been a dream, that things will go back to the way they were before. Not that I want you trapped in the god forsaken house, but trapped is better than dead.

I never did deal with things well … I remember just a few weeks ago that you were trying to help me get my temper under control. I don't think I ever really did have that good of a handle on my emotions. Gods know Lucius never did. We both just hid them, pretending that they weren't there and hoping that one day we'd wake up and they wouldn't be. Emotions aren't the only thing I don't have under control any more … it's more like my entire life is out of my control. And now, Severus has gone and told me that I'm supposed to be Voldemort's heir … and save the wizarding world or something.

How am I supposed to do that, Mum? I can't … gods, I'm such a selfish bastard that I don't even want to go in there because I may never get to see Ginny again. That's the thought that keeps running through my head, you know? That I'll go off to save the world or some shit … and I'll never come back. Or that I will come back, but I'll be too late and she'll have moved on with someone else. At this point, I don't give a flying fuck about the wizarding world … I'll leave that to Harry Bloody Potter. I just want to live out my life. I wish I could just take Ginny away, someplace far away where we'd be safe. Take her away and live there forever in peace.

But I can't do that … I know that you would want me to go. I could tell by the way that Severus was looking at me. I know you knew about all of this and would have told me to go if you were here right now. You're not even here and I can hear your voice in my head, nagging me. It's just like you too. To leave me with this annoying little voice, always keeping me on my toes. Thanks.

So what do you want me to do? No, wait, stupid question. You want me to go off and save the wizarding world from destruction at the hands of the evil Lord Voldemort. But what I mean is, what do you want me to do about Ginny?

I can't very well ask her to come with me. Well, yes, I know, technically I could. But I know she'll come if I ask her. That's the problem. It's bad enough I'm going to go off and risk life and limb. But I'm not going to drag her into this too. Especially with what happened in her first year. I don't think she's really gotten over that. No, I know she hasn't gotten over it.

So how can I possibly ask her to come with me, just to face the one man that has caused her so much torment and distress?

I'm not going to lie, Mum, because I know I can't lie to you. I want her to come with me, I really do. I want her to come because it will be a lot easier to bear if she's there with me. I'll be able to make sure she's safe. Frankly, she's probably safer in Voldemort's custody than anywhere else on earth anyways. But the main reason is that I want to be with her. I want to be able to wake up everyday and see her smiling face at the breakfast table. I want to be able to kiss her and run my hands through her hair whenever I feel like it. I want to be able to finally take her up on that offer and go swimming with her, everyday if she wants. I want all of that and more.

But if I leave without her … I'm throwing all of that away.

Yeah, yeah, I know what you want me to do. You want me to take Ginny with me. You think that this 'experience' will make the both of us stronger, stronger together. Well, I'm sorry to tell you Mother, but that's a load of shit. This 'experience' is going to do nothing more than wear on our psyches and leave us emotionally drained with every passing day. I don't even see how you can come up with the conclusion that we'll be able to do this. I mean, I'm not from that world any more. And Ginny never was. I can't fathom how she's going to be able to fake it that well.

But then again, she never fails to amaze me with how strong she is. She's been my support these last weeks. She's everyone's support. She's there for everyone, all the time, anytime.

Yes, I know … I need to be there for her too, and I'm not. But I promise, I'm going to be.

So then, I guess that's all decided then. Who would've ever thought that Draco Malfoy and Ginny Weasley would team up to defeat the great and powerful Lord Voldemort? I suppose stranger things have happened, though.

But do you think she'll come? Don't you think she might abandon me? Tell me that I'm crazy for asking such a thing and leave me out on some street corner, figuratively of course. No … I suppose you're right. Ginny would never do that.

Maybe I won't feel so stupid about this in the morning. Right now, I'm feeling rather confident about it all. Don't get me wrong, I'll turn into a blubbering idiot when I try to explain this all to Ginny … but at least I know I'm making the right decision.

I – we're going to do this for the good of the wizarding world. No … that's cliché and stupid. We're going to do this for you, Mum. Because I know it's what you would have wanted. It's all for you.

A/N: This is my most favorite chapter yet! I loved giving you all a look into Draco's psyche, but more importantly, I liked it because stream of consciousness writing is just too much fun! I've decided to start updating regularly, so all updates will be on Sundays. More if I'm feeling generous, but don't count on it. I didn't get many reviews for the last chapter … so please review! It would make me really happy and you might get an extra chapter next week because of it. Hope you all liked this chapter!

Inukaino: Yup, yay for being an upper-classman next year:does the happy dance: Yes, if Blaise gets better, it should be interesting:smiles evilly: Thanks a bunch!

Mz. Sammiz: Thanks!