Chapter 53

As the phone next to the bed rang, Stanley Keyworth automatically rolled over and reached for it with a groan.  Pushing himself into a seated position, he bought the phone to his ear, "what?" he demanded testily.  It was, after all, supposed to be his night off.

"Sounds like you're about as happy about receiving this call as I am about making it," the voice on the other end of the line said.

Rubbing his eyes, Stanley shook his head, "although I was expecting this call, I can't say that I was expecting it quite so late."

"Guess I'm handling this better than some people thought I would."

"Or, you're in denial."

"Could be that too," Josh replied with a shrug that was clear, even over the phone.

"So, who made you call?" Stanley asked knowingly.

"CJ seems to think there are similarities between this and when she received some threats and I forced her to talk to someone."

"Are there?"

"Not where I'm concerned."

"So why did you call?"

"Because I don't want them concentrating on me."

Stanley sighed at that, "real reason, Josh or I'm hanging up and going back to sleep."

On his end of the line, Josh sighed as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat.  "OK, so I'm not handling this as well as I could be," he admitted.

"Fancy that," Stanley replied sarcastically.  "So how are you handling this?"

"I threw a frame and broke it after I first heard."

"Why?"

"I was angry."

"About what?"

"I'm not sure."

"Josh, I can't help you if you're not being honest."

"I am.  I'm angry and hurt and I'm not sure why."

"Of course you are."

"No.  I'm really not," Josh answered as he rose and started to pace.

"Fine. What else?"

"I had a panic attack not long after I got here.  I think it was because I waited too long to take my medicine."

"So you have some idea what triggered it?" Stanley asked, wondering if Josh had gotten any better at self monitoring.

"Like I said, I'd been angry and hurt.  I had. . . well, it wasn't exactly a flashback. . ."

"Explain."

"I had been looking at a picture of the two of us--- I mean of me and Donna. . ."

"I knew who you meant."

"Anyway, I got to. . .I don't know, remembering her and her telling me she was leaving and her last day.  I threw the picture then.  I knew where I was.  I knew that I was angry.  Still don't know why," Josh explained.  "I had a weird dream on the flight here.  It was about my father.  I was talking to him in my office at the White House.  That. . . that never happened.  He died the night we won the Illinois primary.

I woke up when we landed.  I rode to the hospital with V.  She ran her lights the whole way so that I could keep a promise I once made to Donna."

"Which was?'

"She told me this story about her ex once.  She had been in a minor accident and stopped for a beer on the way to the pick her up at the hospital.  I told her that I wouldn't have done that.  She told me that she wouldn't stop for red lights.  Figured once I got here I shouldn't either."

"How was the ride?"

"Awkward.  I'd ridden with sirens and lights since out last meeting, but there were always distractions.  We were always talking about some thing."

"So it started in the car?"

"Not really.  I didn't notice the taste of adrenaline until I was in the elevator here at the hospital.  I froze and had trouble getting off of it.  V. had to prod me.  I managed to make it part  way down the hall, and then I. . . I don't know. . . I scared the hell out of V.  I think she thought that I was having a heart attack.

I know I was trying to get my pills out of my pocket and I couldn't.  A nurse came over and helped.  She even had to help me get them to my mouth."

"They help?"

"Yeah, although I started to feel better after they had time to completely kick in."

"What happened next?"

"I went in to see Donna."

"How was that?"

"Hard," Josh admitted.  "I hated seeing her like that.  Didn't know how to react, what to say. . . I was talking to her. . . or at least to her body. . . when she coded."

"I take it that she was unconscious when you arrived there.  Did you know that ahead of time?"

"Yeah.  She hasn't woken up at all.  She's in a fairly deep coma.  There's a chance of brain and or spinal cord damage.  Here friends here aren't too happy with the fact that I wouldn't sign off for her to have surgery for it."

"Why is it your decision?"

"I have power of attorney.  Leo McGarry is the alternate.  I took Mrs. B's advice over a local doctor."

"Why do you have power of attorney?"

"I haven't figured that out.  I mean she apparently trusts me with her life but didn't to tell me that some guy was harassing her."

"Is he why she's in the hospital?"

"Since he threw her down a flight of stairs I'd say so," Josh answered, then paused.  "CJ thinks I'm angry because Donna didn't tell me about him.  Didn't let me help her."

"And are you?" Stanley asked.  When no answer was forthcoming, he prodded: "Josh, this doesn't work if you don't talk.  Are you angry with her?"

"I'm not just one thing," he started shortly.  "I'm scared I'm going to lose her.  I'm afraid that I won't be able to keep it together.  I'm terrified I'll make the wrong choice for her."

"What else?"

"I want this guy to pay for hurting her."

"And?"

"And no, I'm not angry at her.  I'm pissed.  She should have let me help her.  She shouldn't have had to deal with this on her own.  She would have made us ask for help.  She just cut us all out of her life.  She could call me to tease me about my appearance on 'The Factor' but couldn't to tell me some guy was basically stalking her.  She could go to Sam who sat on his hands and did nothing.  She could talk to CJ and back out of telling her, but she couldn't even consider telling, me!" he rattled off, then stopped abruptly, his voice lowering as he added: "she should've let me help her.  Should've let me return the favor."

"Maybe she didn't want to be an obligation."

"She wouldn't have been.  G-d, she's so much more. . ." Josh broke off and veered to a different topic.  D@mnit, I just don't know what I'd do if. . ."

"If what?"

"If I lose her.  I've never told her. . ."

"Told her what?"

"How valuable she is to me."

"Just how valuable is she?"

Josh sighed:  "you asked me once if I had wondered if I was suicidal.  I told you I hadn't.  Truth is, I knew.  I never had a plan because of her.  I knew if I did something, she'd have been the one to find me.  I couldn't do that to her.

Besides, she's the one who figured out that I needed help."

"What happens if the worse happens?"

"I just might come up with a plan," Josh answered honestly, then quickly amended: "but I probably wouldn't enact it.  She'd never forgive me, and the people who care about us. . . I couldn't do that to them."

"You know what we call that, Josh?"

"No.  What?"

"Progress," Stanley said as he shifted so that his legs were on the bed.  "As for the other, don't ignore your feelings.  It's ok to be afraid.  It's also ok to be angry, just be sure you're directing your emotions at the right place.  She didn't tell you.  There's nothing you can do now to change that, but when the time comes you two need to discuss why she didn't ask you for help.

You also have to accept that you can't always be the one that she goes to for help, just like, I'm sure, she's not the one you always turn to.  It's natural to want to protect the person that you love.  Sometimes that includes not letting them know when something is wrong."

"It doesn't make it easier," Josh groused.

"Never said it would," Stanley replied easily.  "Feeling any better?"

"I don't think I will till she wakes up, but I think I might be able to allow myself to get some sleep."

"Good.  Are you going to need a referral?" he asked, mentally going through a list of doctor's in the Port Charles area who he knew of.  Coming up short, he added: "if you do, I'll have to call you back at a decent hour with one."

Josh laughed slightly at that, "no thanks, I have the name of someone here, but CJ threatened to lay her smackdown on me if I didn't call you."

"I take it that's a scary prospect?" Stanley asked, slightly amused.  He hadn't had the opportunity to meet the former Press Secretary, but had heard a few stories about her.

"Hell yeah."

Shaking his head, Stanley looked towards the clock and frowned.  The call had lasted longer than he had realized.  "Get some sleep Josh, I know I'm going to try to," he advised as he disconnected and lay back down. . .