A/N: this time, the italics represent Logan's internal monologue.
"And it will be, that he will have transgressed one of these, and he will confess that he had sinned in this manner, and he will bring his transgression-offering to the Lord on account of his sin which had sinned, a female from the flock, sheep or goat, and the priest will expiate him from his sin….and he shall be forgiven." Leviticus 5:5-6, 5:10
"I usually avoid buildings with stained glass."
September 14, 2005
4:21pm
Logan felt a bead of sweat running down off his forehead along his nose. It hung at the tip of his nose, until he blew upwards, knocking it off.
Why is it so hot in here?
He stepped further back into the shadows at the back of the room. Not because he believed it would be any cooler out of the light, but because he was desperate to avoid being seen. As far as he could tell, Veronica, standing at the front of the room with her back to him, was still unaware of his presence. He watched her get down on her knees and open her mouth. Another bead of sweat ran down into his right eye, blurring his vision.
3.36pm
When Logan saw her driving off after school that afternoon, he did not think much of it, until he saw Weevil following her on his motorcycle. He hated himself for the fit of suspicion that overtook him just then. A voice in his head kept telling him that Veronica was not like Caitlin or Lilly, but it was drowned out by the sound of rushing blood in his ears. Knowing it would be impossible for her not to notice his X-Terra behind her, he got Dick to lend him the keys to his car and followed her.
As he tailed Veronica and Weevil into the barrio, trying to stay far back enough not to be seen, but not so far back as to lose them, his knuckles were white on the steering wheel.
This can't be happening. She wouldn't do something like this. Not after what she found out about Lilly. It doesn't make any sense. There must be some other explanation. I'm probably just freaking out because of the sentencing hearing.
Waiting through his father's sentencing hearing was, if anything, worse than the trial. The fact that, with school having started again, he could not even attend most of the hearings only made things worse. Instead, he had to read about it in the newspaper like everyone else, or hear Trina drone on about it. Aaron's lawyers were doing their best to argue mitigating circumstances, talking about how Aaron had children who needed him. The worst part was that Logan could not even be called to testify against him. "That he beats you isn't admissible, unless they specifically say something that we can call you as a rebuttal witness to, which is unlikely," the D.A. had told him.
Great. So he can use me to burnish his image, and there's nothing I can do about it. Some things never change. And now this! How could she do this?
Logan slammed his fist against the steering wheel.
No, stop it. This could be about anything. You don't know that she's doing anything.
What else could she be doing? This is just how it happens. They always betray us.
She's not like the others. She loves us.
She said herself that Lilly loved us too, and look what that one did.
Shut up.
4:22pm
Logan snapped back to the present. He watched the priest place the communion wafer in Veronica's mouth, and then offer her the wine.
He had laughed out loud with relief when he saw Veronica park across from St. Mary's and go inside, while Weevil continued on his way home, which happened to be located a few blocks further down. Logan had found a parking space himself and followed her in.
I don't know why I'm so surprised to find her here. She always did take this stuff so seriously.
Sometime in the early eighteenth century, the Écolières and the L'Astaires had come to what would someday be Michigan as fur traders. After the Louisiana Purchase, when the yankees started moving in, Écolière became Echolls, while L'Astaire became Lester. So when Aaron Echolls and Lynn Lester found themselves working together on the set of The Pursuit of Happiness, only to find out that they had so much in common, they both immediately began to consider that the mutual attraction that was so clearly between them might be the beginning of something more serious.
Just goes to prove you should always stay away from anyone who's at all like yourself.
Although neither of his parents had ever been a particularly devout Catholic, to put it mildly, his mother thought it would be nice for Logan to have his first communion, and so Logan found himself sitting through classes with Father Paulsen over at St. Thomas', on the other side of Neptune, learning all about the spiritual significance of confession and communion.
Mostly, Logan had sulked that Duncan was not there with him, and had proceeded to spend most of the classes goofing off with Dick Casablancas, making jokes about getting buzzed off the communion wine. Veronica, though, had taken it all very seriously; she had always had questions for Father Paulsen, and had even taken notes. He could still remember the white dress she had worn when the day came.
"Logan, what are you doing here?" she must have seen him, and come over to talk to him. She lay her hand gently on his elbow.
"Nothing. I just—I followed you here." He had his arms folded across his chest, his eyes downcast.
"Why did you follow me?" she sounded more concerned than anything else. He had been afraid she would be angry with him.
Like she doesn't have every right to be angry with us. If she knew the real reason we followed her….
"I wanted to see what you were up to. You've been so quiet lately, I just wanted to know what was going on in your head."
That's not a lie. Of course, we don't ever actually lie to her; we just tend to leave things out.
"Well now you know. Confession. It's good for the soul."
"Like you have any sins to confess."
"My dear boy, you have no idea."
"So when did you start coming here? I mean, I know I haven't been there in a long time, but I remember we both used to go to St. Thomas'."
"I stopped going to St. Thomas' a long time ago."
"After…."
"After."
St. Thomas' was the neo-gothic church over in 90909, frequented by, or perhaps more precisely, available for the nouveau riches like the Echollses, and the old Spaniard families that still lived in California like the Casablancases. With its polished granite, stained glass, velvet-cushioned pews, and mahogany trim, it let its parishioners know that they were different from their domestic servants, even if they technically shared their faith. St. Mary's, on the other hand, was a small adobe church frequented mostly by those servants and their families.
"Truth is, I like this place better anyway. It feels more real. They still have mass in Latin here, and they even burn incense," Veronica went on.
"Of course they do. So why'd you come here this afternoon, anyway? On a Wednesday, I mean."
"It's not just open on Sundays. I guess I just felt the need, though. With everything that's going on…."
"The sentencing hearing."
"Exactly."
"So do you feel more in touch with God now?"
"Yes, I do."
"Must be nice."
"You could try it."
"I seem to recall that you have to confess before you can take communion."
"So you were paying attention! I thought you and Dick were just thinking about how blasted you could get off the wine."
"Yeah, well, I'm worried that if I walk into that booth, I'll never get out in this lifetime."
"You don't have to be afraid. You only think it's going to hurt."
"'There is nothing either good or bad but that thinking makes it so.'"
"Your father's not a ghost yet, sweet prince."
"Can't come a moment too soon. Alright, I'm going in. Wish me luck."
"Good luck."
Logan sat down in the confessional booth.
"Bless me Father, for I have a sinned. It has been, well, let's just say it's been a long time since my last confession."
"Go ahead."
7:06pm
"Is that the last of it?"
"That I can remember."
"It's not unimpressive, but I have heard worse."
"I'll try to do better."
"Don't be a smart aleck. I'm trying to tell you something important, which is that God has heard, and forgiven, much worse."
"So let's hear it."
"I want you to say ten 'Our Fathers' and ten 'Hail Marys.'"
"That's it?"
"I'm just getting warmed up. I also want you to start volunteering regularly at a homeless shelter, without making it a media event."
"Okay."
"And I want you to apologize to your sister, and tell her that you understand why she's supporting your father, even if you don't agree with her. And try to be a better brother to her in the future."
"Sure."
"And you have to apologize to your English teacher."
"I already did that."
"Yes, but this time I want you to mean it. I also want you to apologize to this girl whom you ostracized after she cheated on you with the biker."
"What? Are you kidding?"
"No, I am not. I want you to apologize, first and foremost, for fornicating with her."
"She wasn't exactly a blushing virgin, you know."
"Let's keep the focus on your sins for now. I also want you to apologize to her for ostracizing her from all her friends, and to tell her you forgive her for cheating on you."
"Fine. Is that all?"
"No. I want you to apologize to all the women you've fornicated with."
"All of them? Does that include the stripper in Tijuana?"
"Especially the stripper in Tijuana. I also want you to apologize to this other girl, the one you're dating now. First, for all the terrible calumnies you spread about her."
"Of course."
"Then I want you to go to every person you told something bad about her, and tell them that you were lying."
"All of them? Do you have any idea how many of them there are?"
"Not so many that you couldn't lie to them all in the first place. And I also want you to tell her the real reason you followed her here today."
"Look, I'm sorry I got so jealous, but what with everything that's happened—"
"Did I mention that I also want you to stop making excuses? But while we're on the subject, I want you to forgive this other girl, the dead one, for cheating on you. And also, apologize to the girl you kissed at that party."
"Okay."
"You also need to forgive your mother for abandoning you the way she did."
"Wait a second, she did commit suicide you know. Doesn't the church teach that—"
"Focus! Your sins!"
"Right."
"And you need to apologize to your girlfriend for not being there for her when her best friend was murdered."
"I already did that, and I meant it."
"Do it again anyway. It'll help you warm up for the rest."
"Fine."
"Lastly, you need to tell your best friend that you drugged him."
"No, I can't do that. He'll never forgive me."
"He certainly won't forgive you if you don't ever apologize."
"It's unforgivable! He'll hate me forever!"
"It's bad, but nothing is unforgivable. He may hate you for a long time, but not forever. If you don't apologize though, you might be damned forever."
"I can't do all this."
"You can."
"I'm not strong enough."
"God will be with you, to give you strength."
"Alright, I'll try."
"That is all any of us can do, I suppose. Very well. I absolve you of…."
7:27pm
Logan emerged from the confessional booth, his face grey and soaked with sweat.
"Logan, are you alright? You look terrible."
"I feel worse. I can't believe I survived that."
"I'm sorry. Maybe you should have gone to St. Thomas'; Father Santiago is a little, well, stricter than Father Paulsen."
"No, I'm a big boy now. Best to just take my medicine. Look, Veronica, there's something I need to tell you."
"You want to confess more? I would have thought you'd had enough by now."
"I'm serious. I need to tell you why I really followed you here today." He dropped to his knees at her feet.
"Okay."
"When I saw you leaving school, and I saw Weevil following behind you—"
"Oh, Logan—"
"I just felt, I don't know, like I was watching a movie I had seen before, and I knew that it ended badly, and I just went crazy."
"Logan, I'd never cheat on you. It's important to me that you know that."
"That's what I kept trying to tell myself. And I just wouldn't listen. And, look, Veronica, I can't help think that maybe I'm not right for you."
"Maybe you should let me be the judge of that."
"I think it might dangerous."
"Dangerous? For whom?"
"For you. Veronica, I can't help think that maybe I'm like him. Like my father."
"Logan, look at me, and listen." She put her hand under his chin and lifted his face to hers. "You are like your father."
"Then you definitely shouldn't be with me."
"That doesn't mean you are your father. You can choose to be different. You don't have to do what he did, anymore than I have to be a drunk, a thief, or an adulteress."
"That's different. You have your father."
"Logan." She got down on her knees to face him, and looked him in the eye. "You have me. I love you, and I believe in you." With that, she embraced him as he wept in her arms.
To be continued….