All standard disclaimers apply. And, to make it clear, this parody is not aimed at anyone in particular. Please don't shoot me.

My dear writers of Breakfast Club fanfics:

You may not realize who I am right away. I am a secondary character who constantly shadows one of the main characters of the so-called "Breakfast Club." In fact, some might say I am not a character at all. These same people might claim that I fall more into the "prop" category, or worse, the "convenient plot device" category.

I beg very much to differ. You people don't realize that I have feelings, too, and it hurts just as much when somebody steps all over them. Or in my case, kicks them repeatedly. Or sometimes punches them deliberately. And that freaking hurts, you know? I understand that you writers have to have conflict in your stories to make them interesting, but couldn't you keep the hostilities confined to your cheerleader villains? Don't innocent bystanders get to be treated with a little respect? And I am nothing if not the very definition of innocent.

But no. When you people need angst, all you have to do is bend me or shake me or otherwise break me in various ways that hurt like heck. That sucks MAJORLY. And it happens ALL THE TIME, DANGIT.

Look, do I look like someone who enjoys hurting my owner? I know darn well whenever one of you writers decide it's convenient to have me snap, it causes him pain in many unspeakable ways. Not to mention all that emotional crap that he goes through as a result of all the jerks you surround him with. And what about me? I'm the one in the FREAKING BODY BRACE. With NO anesthesia at all, that's what sucks the most. Sure, I'm all for a little pain in the name of good storytelling, but couldn't you inject me with something, at least some of the time?

Or, at the very least, stop WRITING so much about how much I'm hurting, how much my owner is hurting, and so on. Let up a little. Please. I'm begging you.

Because, you see, it happens every time you write about me in a fic. Every. FREAKING. TIME. I'm not sure I can take it anymore. One of these days, I will break for good, and then my owner will be permanently crippled and no longer available for any of your fics. Would you like that? Would you like to see him fade out of your stories simply because you used me one too many times? Huh?

I'm not kidding. Don't make me take drastic measures, okay? Because to do that, I will have to inflict a lot of punishment on myself. I don't want that, he doesn't want that, and I am very sure none of you want that.

And you can put that on record. Get it? This is a THREAT.

Have a nice day, and think about this letter before you write about me...again.

Sincerely,

Andy's Long Suffering Knee

Like it or love it? Or do you tend towards the other end of the spectrum? Let me know what you think. I need all ya'll's reviews. Thank you.

However, if any of you take this "letter" seriously, or conclude that it is reflective of my actual opinion, then I WILL shoot you. Seriously, this isn't a rant or anything. It's a parody. Let me know what you think.