I know, I know, this concept has been beaten to death. But I couldn't resist.

All standard disclaimers apply.

Yo, fanfic writers.

I see you've all read the letter written by my man Andy's Knee. I hope you've taken the time to ponder it. Because now it's my turn.

You know who I am, punks? I am Bender's Nose, that's who I am. And I do NOT, repeat, NOT take kindly to being broken repeatedly. You try it sometime, being punched and bloodied every other day. Every other fic. And you know, that's not the worst.

You all KNOW that I've been broken before. You KNOW what Bender's dad does to him (and me). But guess what? YOU KEEP ON BREAKING ME. I have to take all that shit from Bender Sr. and his cronies, and then you writers take over from there!

Can't a guy get a rest between beatings? You know, some time to recuperate from swelling, bleeding, and otherwise being in extreme pain? And while we're on the subject of beatings, my comrades would like to send their complaints over. Bender's Eye (and the other one, too) is sick and tired of being crushed to jelly. Bender's Knuckles are still recovering from that last bloodying, and would you please give Bender's Ribcage a break?

But personally, I think Bender's Skin has the most cause for complaint (besides me). Do you punks know how much pain he's in right now? And it sucks balls, because he's not allowed into the hospital without his owner. All those scars and, I quote, "fucking bruises and scrapes and cuts and stitches, my God, the stitches, do you !#$# punks know how much stitches hurt, you little &!$#$#...!"

Anyway, that's how it is. I am warning you, we are going on strike if this goes on any longer. I am still trying to get well from that last encounter I had with a fist (time before that, it was a beer bottle, off-screen, from Bender Sr.) and do you know how fucking difficult it is to get well between fics? I'm punched repeatedly and then I'm expected to heal myself 100, a-okay, for the next fic to come along and abuse me. Sometimes I get even less time than that! At the whim of you cruel, sadistic writers! Jesus Christ, guys, GET A LIFE.

And fucking leave me alone. If you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for that next beating...

Sincerely (very sincerely),

Bender's Nose