Part 9: Coming into the Light:
Ray 4: Plenty of Time
Summary:
Janeway finds out that Chakotay has been keeping secrets from her. (J/C)
Pairing: J/C, CTRating: PG-13Type of Story: DramaLevel: 2
Part 9: Coming into the Light:
Ray 4: Plenty of Time
"Would any of you like to tell me what's going on?"
"It's personal Captain."
There was a moment of silence
Kathryn spoke up, "Ordinarily that would be enough, but you are crew members on this ship who started a public brawl in the Mess Hall. This brawl sent five other crewmembers to Sickbay and damaged one replicator. It destroyed ten chairs and six tables. Never in the history of this ship have I seen such violent behavior exhibited between members of my crew and such wanton disregard for property. So I will ask you again, what is going on here?"
Kathryn was circling them talking to them from all sides, trying to get them to fess up.
"Nothing" came the reply.
Kathryn stopped face to face with Ayala and Gerron. She stared hard at them. Normally she knew that this type of glare would have broken at least one of them down into confessing, but again she got nothing….or maybe something. Kathryn almost recoiled when at that moment she saw the anger from Gerron staring back at her. She didn't know where it came from and why it was so intense. She knew then that she had to get to the bottom of this.
And there were other ways of doing it.
"Well since nothing precipitated this, then I guess it will not happen again, but in order to ensure that, you are both on report, and will be confined to quarters for two weeks after your duty shifts, is that clear?"
Both nodded their heads instead of answering her directly.
"Dismissed." This time, Janeway's anger and disgust paralleled their own.
This time she went through the personnel reports with a fine tooth comb and then she found it. She marveled that she didn't see the pattern before, but it was there. And she knew why she had never seen it before. She trusted him to tell her. Official reports were there for the record and when she needed more information than what he gave her, but in the end she trusted him to give her a heads up and he hadn't. Eight incidents in during the span of two months, all involving former Marquis members of her crew. All seemed to be benign, but now Janeway didn't trust these reports, because now she was calling into question the integrity of the man who prepared them. Before she went flying off the handle, she needed more information.
"Janeway to Tuvok"
"Yes Captain."
"Please report to my Ready Room."
"On my way."
"Did you know anything about any of these?"
Tuvok was tapping the PADD with the data on the incidences quickly, assimilating all the particulars of the incidents. When he finished, he had a look on his face that displayed to Kathryn his confusion.
"Some, Captain. As I recall, two of the incidents on these reports had a lot more to report than this and three incidences I knew nothing about, the others are as reported. They are adequately written just lacking in certain details. However, I must admit that I never saw the connection to the former Marquis crew members until you pointed out to me just now."
"Then the question remains," Janeway stood and made her way around the desk to face Tuvok. "Why wasn't this brought to my attention? I can understand you not doing so, because you didn't know, but the first Officer on this ship knew because he falsified records. What the hell is going on here, and why has he not said anything?" Kathryn was working herself up. Tuvok saw it and moved to try to calm her down.
"Captain, I must point out that the records were not falsified, and the important parts of the records are true. The details would not change the recommended outcome, just provided a lot more detail."
"Close enough." Janeway said in a whisper and marched out of her Ready Room her face livid. Tuvok did not have the chance to say anything more. He mentally wished Chakotay good luck in dealing with her in that state and left to go to his office to conduct his own investigation. Right now vigilance was required.
Chakotay sat crossed legged on the floor staring at the pieces of parchment in his medicine bundle. He looked at the date of the letter to himself and the words on the first page…..
I know you are going to find this hard to believe, because you don't remember but that is the point of their technology……
That's right, he did find it hard to believe and he wouldn't if it hadn't been for the incident that began the letter known to him alone and the fact that what was being related in those pages was familiar enough, he wouldn't, but he did.
Now he was just left with feelings of grief. He closed his eyes and let his feelings wash over him. It wasn't only feelings of grief, but also feelings of anger, pain and loneliness. In the past two months, they as a crew had been through a lot with re-appearance of species 8472, the invasion and occupation of the Hirogen, the whole business with Crogan, the body hopping alien and then the Omega directive incident and now an adventure that happened, but was not recorded. And all that occurred after the incident with the biggest effect on the crew; getting message home to Starfleet and having the communications array by which they sent their first message in four years being destroyed. As for the Marquis members of the crew, the knowledge of what had happened in the alpha quadrant had caused the biggest unrest. He had tried to mask a lot of the effects that unrest from the Captain's, and the Chief of Security's eyes. He knew that they would pry into what had happened and would make a private grief very public and that was something they did not need. Chakotay knew that given time everyone would simmer down. The Marquis were used to a violent life, and they grieved violently. But when it passed, they would go back to being invaluable members of the crew. They just needed time.
Everyone needed time, even the ones who didn't know that they did. The Starfleet members of the crew didn't know about what they were coming home to and he thought it best that they didn't know, so he only spoke to the Marquis members, and only about what had happened to their former colleagues, they had a right to know, so that they would mourn their dead. Chakotay didn't think that he should to begrudge them that. He didn't say anything to the Captain. His own grief then was private and it seemed almost sacrilege to share it with her at the time. Now that they had a little time to breathe, he had planned on telling her everything. He just needed, this day, his day off to collect himself; to meditate and as soon as he did that, he was faced with another incident.
Neelix pointed out to me, when he noticed the problems that I faced with accepting her story that it was myself and my feelings that I didn't trust.. I guess it took some time, but I did eventually let myself care for her. I trusted myself and my feelings and that trust extended to Kellin and what she was telling. I fell in love with her…again. I know that when you are reading this, you will be cursing yourself for a fool. Don't. To love and be loved however brief, I didn't regret it then, as I know that you are now.
Now that part rang true. That was him both in the then and in the now. But to have lost a love, not to have been able to make her fall in love with him again, after he had done so willingly with her. Should he have trusted himself with her? Was she only using him as a means to get Voyager to help her leave her home world? Was he duped yet again? Being at Kathryn's side was exhausting and emotionally taxing a lot of times. What he wouldn't give to have someone at his side doing what was needed to make his life more bearable.
Chakotay stood up quickly,
'Get a hold of yourself, you're wallowing.'
Chakotay wearily walked over to the replicator to order lunch.
But before he could do so, the chime sounded. Chakotay went and answered his door.
When they opened they revealed a furious Captain.
"Kathryn, what's wrong?" Chakotay was instantly alert.
"Commander, I need to have a word with you."
Janeway's whole posture was demanding that he let her in. He stood back and she brushed past him and went to the reception area of his quarters.
Chakotay joined her there. He stood as he normally did close to her, but Kathryn did a curious thing, she stepped back as if she didn't want to be in his personal space anymore. Chakotay's internal alarms went off.
"Captain, what's wrong?"
"Explain this!" She demanded, her tone low and held out a PADD to him.
Chakotay did not care for her voice, but he took the PADD anyway.
'Oh Shit' was the thought that went through Chakotay's head as he read the contents of the PADD.
She knew.
Chakotay lowered the PADD and prepared himself for to answer for failing to tell her about certain incidences. But he was unprepared for what came next.
"What they hell is wrong with you Chakotay? Did you suddenly decide to take up the Marquis fight over again? According to my investigation, you spoke to all the Marquis crew members together in the Holodeck the day after we lost communication with the Alpha Quadrant, and then they started getting out of hand? I know that you got a letter from the Alpha Quadrant the day before this incident? What the hell was in that letter? How well your fight was going so you decided to start enticing them to riot so that you could keep us busy and then you all take over the ship!"
Kathryn was in full rant, and too late she realized what she had said. She was just so furious. All she knew was that Chakotay had betrayed her trust in him and had gone behind her back and said something to some of her crew members. Something that upset them greatly and what was left in its wake was slip shot or bad work performance, below normal efficiencies of the running of her ship and a morale that was in the toilet. The situation seemed out of control for its incidences and it was leaving a very bad taste in her mouth and a bad feeling in her stomach. Something two months old was very wrong here and Chakotay knew what it was and he did not tell her.
Chakotay stared at her in disbelief, his eyes widening that she could accuse him of that. And his heart turned to stone.
Kathryn saw it reflected on his face. She had gone way too far, she had to calm down.
"Cha……" She began but he cut her off swiftly.
"I will not even dignify that tirade with an answer. I expect that I will be going on report for dereliction of duty. If you want, you can add failure to acknowledge a superior officer to the charge."
"Chakotay." It was too late, by the time she had uttered his name, he was already gone.
Kathryn stood in disbelief in his quarters, he had never acted like that before and she wanted to know what was driving her over the edge with him. Since that fateful night after the party, they seemed to be at odds with each other. Not in big things, but in small things. Together, they had extracted themselves from the fight with Species 8472, they had survived a Hirogen invasion and had successfully dealt with Omega particles. Omega especially, he had been there for her and as a crew they had pulled it off without ending up being stuck in that part of space. But there were little things that were sticking in her craw, and she hadn't realized how much until she had uttered her last sentence. And she hadn't put the final piece of information together until just now. He never told her about his letter. They had shared everything until then. She hadn't held anything back including the contents of her letter and the vulnerability the night that she had gotten the letter. She had realized that he hadn't said anything a couple days after, but she kept waiting for him to come to her with it and now she realized that she was hurt that he didn't. It was so stupid, so insignificant and that's why she had put it out of her mind…or so she thought.
But it had stayed there and festered. In part it was fed by her. Kathryn didn't know why, but she kept having feelings of unease. And she wasn't sleeping well either. She seemed bogged down and couldn't get herself out of it. If she wanted to be honest, she would admit that she was a little depressed, but as usual, she ignored it. But her subconscious wasn't. Nightmares began. She found herself thinking of things that could have been if she hadn't made that fateful decision over four years ago. There were stray thoughts that came to her in unguarded moments and she chased them away purposely.
It was also fed by him. It was fed by the near constant dismissal of invitations for holodeck pursuits, meals and shore leave time to be spent together. Chakotay was isolating himself, but not from everyone. She noticed that he spent an inordinate amount of time with Gerron, Ayala, Jarvin and other former Marquis members. But he was shying away from other original Starfleet crew members. And now her hurt and jealousy, because in a sense that is exactly what it is was had led her to make such a wild accusation against him. It was not like her.
And it is also not like him.
Chakotay has always listened to what she had to say, argued, and disagreed loudly with her, but never like this. As crazed as she was, he seemed even more so. Something was very wrong.
Very wrong.
Her surroundings finally made an impact on her and Kathryn moved to inspect them slowly. Chakotay's quarters were a mess. Clothes were draped over chairs, a number of projects, paintings etchings, even PADDs with studies on phenomena that they had encountered in the quadrant were strewn around unfinished. Kathryn had never seen his quarters that untidy. Chakotay was neat and ordered, like his thoughts and his ideas. These quarters belonged to a man who seemed to be confused and trying to find himself, his identity. That was as far away from Chakotay as Kathryn had ever encountered. Her eyes were drawn to his medicine bundle and she was intrigued by three items that she had never seen there before. One was a beautiful bird's feather that was purple and gold, the other was a stack of parchment and the third was a small wooden carving of a bathtub, identical to the one that he built for her in New Earth.
It was at the sight of the third item that Kathryn's heart melted and then ached. What had she done? How could she believe that of him? Whatever was going on within the Marquis was not something deceitful, but something that needed attention, and her First Officer even more so.
He needed her and she had let him down. She should have paid a little more attention and squelched her feelings of jealousy instead of the truth that was right before her eyes.
"Computer, locate Commander Chakotay."
"Commander Chakotay is on Holodeck 1"
Exiting, Kathryn was glad that he was a better friend to her than she seemed to be to him. She hoped that this time she hadn't gone so far that she couldn't make it right again.