ii: Dusk

Falls:

How did it come to this? There was absolutely nothing to do, but think. Kathryn stood inside of her Ready room looking at the viewport.

'Some viewport,' She mused, 'It looks like someone painted the glass black' She glanced at her uniform and then back at the view port, 'Even my pants look grey compared to the space here'

Kathryn concentrated. 'I can feel the hum of the engines, we are moving but I feel like we've been stopped ever since we've been here'

'Here, where Kathryn? This region of space or the Delta Quadrant?'

Where indeed?

She was going to replicate a book a couple of days ago, but she was tired reading. She had personally gone through every report for every ship system for the past year, to see if there was something that needed doing that she missed. But her crew was as bored as she, and had found every maintenance task that had been postponed to a later date and had done it. They had found every ship system that had not been operating at peak efficiency and had corrected the problem. Some of the systems had not been operating that well since they left space dock, and some were operating past peak efficiency.

She looked around at her ready room. It was cluttered. Paintings started weeks ago were strewn about discarded. Tennis racket and ball, from the last time she played a match with Chakotay, lay in a corner half-hazardly. She had also started working on Prixin gifts for some of the crew doing needlepoint, half finished lay on the couch. She was even so bored that she had tried to teach herself how to replicate. But Kathryn really hated to cook and even in her boredom, she could not overcome that.

On her work desk were two piles of PADDs. One contained status reports that all said the same thing and the other, contained details of projects. Projects that she had wanted to start, but couldn't because they could not afford to waste energy once they had passed that planet and restocked their deuterium. She had tried to continue them in theory, but they needed actual test runs at this stage. So she left them.

It seemed that every activity that she started within the last month lay discarded in the Ready Room

Finally a week ago while trying to find a reference she hit an activity that she actually finished in this region of space. She re-read all of her personal log entries and her captain's log entries. She didn't know why, but she just fell compelled to do it, even after she found what she had been looking for. The one thing that she finished doing ever since they began this 'vacation' in the Delta Quadrant was the one thing that she wished she hadn't because it lead her to what she was feeling right now.

'Admit it Kathryn, you're depressed'

She chased that thought away. Because if she was depressed, it was her own fault.. What were they doing here in the first place? Why was she facing this dark desolate region of space instead of being a happily married woman, possibly giving birth to her first child at this time?

'Our mission was not supposed to end this way, but I feel that it was a success beyond our wildest dreams. The crew of Voyager is alive and well and we have gathered enough information in this Quadrant to keep the Federation busy for years.'

Words written a year ago. Now it seemed as if those words were written by a woman who didn't know the exact nature of her own predicament. It seemed as if it hadn't hit then, how far away they were. No it wasn't that, it was the fact that all the aliens they encountered seemed friendly enough, and if they were unfriendly, then they were easily side stepped. And then it happened,….they entered Borg Space.

Of all the entries to re-read that was the most difficult and the none with probably the most lasting consequences. On the crew, on the ship, on her first officer and on her. It had taken so long for them to come to terms with how they turned away from each other during that time. Seven aside, there seemed that nothing good came out of that time. Friendly territory seemed to have never been found, they lost Kes and the crew seemed to come out of every encounter with a little less hope than they came in with. The fourth year wore them down and it seemed that the last vestiges of her crew's strength was being sapped by this place.

If only we were still able to be in contact with Starfleet, that would make this passage a little easier, but that was the worst blow of the whole year, getting in touch with the Alpha Quadrant and then losing that connection. Some people don't even have the comfort of one letter to get then through this time. And it gave me the worst news of my life

Kathryn knew that she was lying, there was a time when she witnessed the worst event of her life, and now, thanks to that fatal decision she made four years ago, history was repeating itself. Now it was squarely her fault that she and Mark weren't married at this time. Had she used the caretaker's technology…..

But she had destroyed it.

And then that little incident introduced us to the concept of Hirogen Hunting parties. How many people did we lose because of them? How much time did we waste avoiding them? And now here we are in this desolate region of space.

To Kathryn it seemed like the perfect end to the worst year of their stay in the Delta Quadrant. How long ago was it that she was talking to Chakotay and he had said that given the fact that the year began with a species more powerful than the Borg, what could they expect? It seemed like an eternity.

At the thought of the Borg and Species 8472 conflict, Kathryn's thoughts made her face darken.

Species 8472, at least the Borg didn't eradicate them, but then Artumus people are not exactly too pleased with how things turned out, it seems that Chakotay was right, we helped the Borg assimilate one more species and I guess how many other species that they have assimilated since that date. Add that to the list of things that I might have to answer for when I get back…if I ever get back.

That was one of the things that really struck her in re-reading her logs. There was never a doubt that they would get back in any of them. There was a doubt now, in fact there were lots of doubts. And it seemed that every day she got out of bed that it weighed her down and the burden got heavier and heavier until this morning, she barely made it to her duty shifts

She was on the Bridge by sheer will power alone. She was supposed to be on rounds right now. She had given up on that two days ago. It was too hard, looking at her crew, looking at their frustration at being stuck here. If only there was some way that she could make it up to them. But Kathryn knew that the only way to do that would be to get them home tomorrow and she knew that she couldn't do that. It was her fault, they were stranded here. If Chakotay were in Command, or even Tuvok, her crew would be home back now, but they were not, thanks to her. She couldn't face them now, with nothing to offer, with no way to shorten their trip through the Void, so she had sent Chakotay.

The chime sounded.

"Come." The command was soft and the computer asked her to repeat it in order to comply

It was an effort for her to raise her voice so that the Computer could comply with her wishes.

Chakotay entered and stopped short. He hadn't been in the Ready Room for about a week and could not believe that the Captain had let it get to this.

"You know Kathryn, you do have time now, you can clean up in here."

Kathryn was silent and her face was blank

"It was a joke Kathryn" he made an attempt to smile, and he knew that for all the effort he was putting in, it was not coming out naturally.

"Or at least it was trying to be." He stopped forcing a smile. In the mood that the Captain was in, it was not worth it.

"Do you want this report given verbally or will you make the effort to read it. I don't want to add it to the pile of PADDs over there." Chakotay snapped as he pointed to her desk, where they were piled. The status reports from the previous week were there including the ones that gave a report on the condition of the crew during two days of walking around for the Captain. He noticed that they were untouched.

It seemed to him that the Captain didn't care if he had spoken to her cordially or if he had yelled at her, she just answered.

"Why would I need to read them?" Kathryn said wearily, and seeing the concern in his face turned from him and faced the blackness of the view screen which matched the blackness of her enthusiasm and the chasm in her soul at that precise moment.

"They haven't changed," she continued. "All systems are operating under peak conditions. Sensors have not been able to pick up anything in this region and we are continuing on course and the crew is restless and frustrated with having nothing different to deal with."

Chakotay was silent for a time and then came up behind her and said softly. "Kathryn, I'm sorry I didn't mean to snap at you. I guess I'm a little frustrated too."

"It's OK Chakotay," Kathryn had said it softly, but there was no intonation in her voice.

"Want to join me for dinner in the mess hall? Neelix is preparing a special buffet, he thought that it might cheer the crew up somewhat"

While he was asking her the question, he had touched her on her shoulder, hoping that she would turn around, but she didn't and in fact, she did nothing to indicate that she had even felt his presence at her side. Chakotay had to peer into the viewport to see her face and when he did alarm bells began to go off into his head. The woman standing in front of him had no expression. He didn't think that he had ever seen Kathryn with no expression on her face. Everything that she thought and felt used to be there for him to see

He shook her gently, "Kathryn?" Finally she turned and he thought that he could see something in her eyes, but it was gone in a flash.

"You go ahead Commander, I think I'll retire early to my Quarters."

Chakotay frowned a little and then gave her a sad smile, "Neelix would be disappointed and so will the rest of the crew, and it's been a long time since they've seen you"

"Please make my apologies Commander." With that Kathryn left the ready room leaving Chakotay frowning behind her.

Bee Boop

Again, she ignored it. But she knew that he would be persistent and that she would have to deal with him.

"Computer, who is at the door?"

"Commander Chakotay"

"Janeway to Chakotay, what is it?"

"Captain are you alright?"

"Yes"

"May I come in please I'd like to see that for myself?"

Kathryn debated. He could summon the Doctor and open the door on a medical emergency and she didn't want the Doctor to see her in that state, he might relieve her of duty. In the end with a deep sigh and an annoyed look on her face, she got up and went towards the door of her quarters and opened it

"Yes." Her voice was unfriendly. She met Chakotay's concerned look with her cold stare

"Captain what's the meaning of this?" Chakotay was holding up the PADD of instructions that she had left for him in his office.

"It's exactly what it says. I'm not going to be going to the bridge until I'm needed. I have some things I need to catch up on in here."

"I thought you were doing that in your Ready Room?"

"Commander, this ship might be small, but I'd like to think I can still get some measure of privacy on it. I think that I have a competent enough staff, that I can run this ship from anywhere on it I chose, is that understood?"

Chakotay reacted as if he had been slapped and Kathryn, for her part, did not react at all. Seeing this, it angered Chakotay even more and he said silently.

"Understood." Abruptly he wheeled on his heel and left her quarters.

Kathryn closed the door behind him unperturbed. She undressed and got back into her pajamas. Chakotay was mad at her, but would get over it, and if he didn't, it may be best. She had damaged him enough by stranding him here in the Delta Quadrant. Pushing him away now would mean that he could deal with the crew without worrying about her. He'd leave her to her own devices.

She went back to bed. As she settled in to drift off into sweet oblivion, she looked at the viewport again,

How was it possible that it had been that black all the time? If the ancients were here they may have called this region the black of night. And she knew it mirrored the blackness in her soul. At first it didn't seem that way to her, it was just dark here. There was light at the end of the region in normal space. But now she was beginning to think that they would never get out of here and with her pushing Chakotay away, she felt as though she had extinguished the one light in her soul and so

Dusk fell,

And it is now….