Author: Elf Asato
Written: June 5 - July 4, 2005
Summary: AU-ish. Three Seals form an unexpected friendship. Yuzuriha/Karen.
Disclaimer: I neither own CLAMP nor Starbucks.
Notes: Spoilers for Viz-released manga up until X18. Written in a strange, concise style. Thanks to denpagirl, bomsok, sakanagi, and finmefiant on Livejournal for reading this in its various stages, and various other friends for helping me out with the title.
Timeline: Seven is after the Rainbow Bridge, and Eight through Ten are in that month of Subaru's absence with Eleven (also a mini-tribute to Yuumei and Mara's Starbucks quest) being shortly before he reaches the Sakurazuka house. Twelve is while Sorata is still in the hospital after protecting Arashi, and Thirteen is after Nataku with Fourteen being at the still unknown end of the series.
By Elf Asato
Part Two.
Seven.
"Are you sad for him?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too pissed off to be sad."
Yuzuriha slid down to sit beside Karen, brooding on the hallway floor. "Well...I'm sad for him. I mean, he just lost the guy that he really, really loved. When Kamui-san and the others brought him home, he was still crying. I'd never seen a grown man cry before. Can't you be sad for him?"
"No," Karen said with finality. "I was sad for him when he accidentally killed Sakurazuka-san, but...he left us, Yuzuriha. He left us, abandoned us. We were practically like the Three Musketeers at the end...and not only us, he left Kamui-kun, Sorata-kun, Arashi-san, and Aoki-san as well! I can't be sad for him anymore. I'm so angry that I don't have enough room left in my heart for anything else!"
She stared at her feet. "...Please don't say that, Karen."
"Why shouldn't I?"
"...Because I don't want you to be like this. I don't want your anger and hurt over Subaru-san to push out all the good things in your heart, like...like your love and warmth and spirit." Her voice wavered. "I know you two were very close - closer than I was with him - but..."
Karen stood up suddenly and took a few steps. "...Yeah, well. I don't suppose I would have let him so near to me had I known how selfish he'd be in ditching us for his own agenda. But, I suppose...I'm angry out of selfishness, too."
"Well, sure, I mean, everyone's selfish once in a while." She rose and approached Karen from behind, wrapping her arms around her middle. "But...it's all so depressing and sad because everyone's so hurt and they try to keep it in, but...they just end up hurting others and themselves."
"What a sensitive and empathic girl you are," she sighed.
"Not really. I'm selfish, too. I want everyone to be happy, so I really don't like it when they're sad..."
For the first time in a while, Karen gave a light laugh. "Did you hear yourself? And you dare to call yourself selfish!"
Yuzuriha released her hold on Karen only to have the other woman turn around and embrace her from the front, resting her cherry red lips softly on the top of her head.
"My little Yuzuriha. You're so silly. But...it's just us, now, isn't it?"
"...Yeah."
Eight.
"Did I tell you," Yuzuriha asked as she sipped from a glass of strawberry sangaria soda in the kitchenette of Karen's apartment, "that when I was missing...before Subaru-san left, I had told Kusanagi-san that I loved him?"
Karen had been chopping vegetables but she paused. "...No...you didn't. Uh, how did that go?"
"Well. He didn't accept or refuse me, just told me that he was happy to have my love. I was nervous at first, but it was the best outcome possible, I think! It made me really, really happy."
"Oh?" Her voice rose considerably at the end. "How so? I would think that...him accepting your love would have made you the happiest."
"I really am sure I love him, but it's not like that. I don't want to go out with him or anything. Should I have made that clearer before? I know you and Subaru-san didn't like the idea of me being with him!"
She laughed. "I have to say, it's certainly a relief to know now that our little Yuzuriha isn't going to be taken away by some creepy man!" Her tone was more subdued, however, when she corrected, "Well, just my Yuzuriha now, I guess." Karen still held a smile, though.
For some reason unknown to Karen, Yuzuriha beamed.
Nine.
"Do you remember a long time ago you told me that you were in love with someone who was preoccupied with someone else?" Yuzuriha asked as they stood in line to the cinema. "Was that person Subaru-san?"
Karen stared at her for a moment but answered with a sigh, "It wasn't so much that I was in love, and there was definitely more than one person I had feelings for, but...yeah. Sort of. I mean, it was ridiculous because we all knew he was hopelessly smitten with the Sakurazukamori for some reason, but...I think because I knew I could never have him, that made me like him even more."
"One of those things where we want what we can't have?"
"Yeaaaah," Karen admitted with a grin as she elongated the word, "I do that a lot. It seems that every person I have feelings for is somehow taken or unavailable."
"Like Aoki-san?"
"Yes. Such is the fate of women!" She laughed. "Or perhaps just me. It's really bizarre, though, because I could have sworn that some time during our friendship, you liked Subaru like that, too. I almost thought that our little friendship would turn into some sort of bizarre love triangle. But I think I read too many romance novels!"
A faint blush rose up into Yuzuriha's cheeks. "I...didn't like Subaru-san! I mean, I did, but I never felt anything for him except friendship. Uh, he wasn't that person I liked at the same time as Kusanagi-san, really."
"Oh? This is intriguing now. Do you still like this mystery person?" A wink and a smile.
"Uh...yeah."
"Enough to tell me who it is?"
"...Hey, we're next, Karen! Did you decide which movie you wanted to see?"
Ten.
They sat on her couch, side by side, as milk curdled in the refrigerator. It was a hot day, and the power only seemed to last a few minutes at a time.
"I'm worried...about the future," Yuzuriha stated simply and rest her cheek against Karen's damp shoulder.
"I know," Karen murmured and tilted her head to rest on Yuzuriha's, "I am, too."
"Do you think that Tokyo will really be saved?"
"...Shh." She pressed comforting lips to the girl's dark hair.
Yuzuriha closed her eyes as the power went off again.
A few minutes later, Karen went to move for something but Yuzuriha's hand rose up to catch her shoulder. She seemed awake then.
"Karen?"
"Yes?"
"...Don't leave."
"...All right."
Instead of resting her head back down, Yuzuriha looked pensive for a moment, obviously having something heavy on her mind, before seeming suddenly lighter with a bright smile. "Hey...can I do something?"
Karen matched the smile with her own. "Of course. What do you want to do?"
"...Will you close your eyes first?"
She nodded and did so. "Is it some sort of surprise?"
"Maybe," Yuzuriha answered as she leaned in and pressed her lips against the older woman's.
Karen's eyes flew open, but she made no motion to move.
"Sorry," she apologized with a small smile as she broke away. "I...I just felt like finally doing that."
"...'Like finally doing that'?"
A slight blush. "Erm, I'm really sorry! We can forget that that ever happened if you'd like. It's just that...I got to thinking how we could die at ay time, and, well..."
Karen's eyes softened and she placed her hand on Yuzuriha's cheeks, smiling protectively. "Such thoughts don't suit you... Please, don't worry about that stuff. You're a fourteen-year-old girl; you're supposed to be thinking about...friends, and boys, and --"
"Don't want to think about boys."
Her smile turned apologetic. "I guess not."
"You know when I said I had feelings for someone else and you thought it was Subaru? Well, it was actually you. I mean, I don't expect you to want to return my affections or anything - I just wanted to see what it'd be like to kiss you...before anything bad happens," Yuzuriha explained.
Karen was silent for a while before she finally said, "When I was a girl, there was another girl in my art class who was really nice to me. She was really pretty and kind, you know, the type everyone likes. She was older than me so I really looked up to her. I might have been eleven or twelve then. Anyway, there was a scandal - full-blown police investigations and everything - at the school because she was caught having sex with her homeroom teacher, a sketchy sort of woman, in the room after hours. And it wasn't just the homeroom teacher. In addition to generally being loose around the school, she'd also been having an affair with the baseball coach at the high school near where I went. The homeroom teacher went to jail while the baseball coach just lost his job. I was physically sick to my stomach. For a long time after, up until a few years ago, actually, I had a lot of issues with that. After the scandal, her family moved and I never saw her again, but...unwittingly her influence stayed with me. I didn't care for myself, so I became...sexually loose and everything. But all the while, I attributed my negativity towards her sexuality instead of her activity. What I mean to say is...it took me a long time to realize that my disgust stemmed not from the fact that she had been having sex with a woman, but the fact that she had so little regard for her body and self. After that, I became more comfortable with who I was and what I did. I guess it was that sorting of issues, but..."
"Oh Karen, I hadn't realized that you'd had such a rough time because of that..."
"Yeah, but...what I mean to say is that, well...I...I'm very happy that you have feelings for me. I really, really am because, well, I love you, but Yuzuriha, I'm too old for you. If I were a man, maybe things would be different, but as it stands, we're both women, and I --"
"What do you mean it would be different?" she said quickly, suddenly on the defensive. "Just because you're a woman? What difference is that?"
"Well, what I meant was...I, I'd like to return your affections, Yuzuriha, but I can't," Karen explained, unsure of herself.
Yuzuriha suddenly smiled. "Thank you for thinking about it, but I never said you had to return my feelings. I didn't expect you to. I just wanted to kiss you while I had the chance. Don't think much of it."
"But how can I not? You kissed me, after all."
"Did you enjoy it?"
"W-what?"
"The kiss. Did you enjoy it?"
"Well...I didn't not enjoy it," Karen murmured vaguely with a cherry red blush to her cheeks.
"Then there's no problem, so don't worry about it," Yuzuriha said simply. "Now come on, some of the stuff in the 'fridge is probably spoiled by now so we'll need to throw it out."
Karen nodded her head. "Ah, yes...but wait." She put her hand on Yuzuriha's shoulder and hesitated slightly before leaning forward to briefly press her lips to the girl's cheek. "It's all I can do, I'm afraid, but..."
Without warning, Yuzuriha flung her arms around Karen's neck and kissed her with innocent passion. Just as soon as she had done it, however, she released her hold. In nervous and giddy spirits she explained, "I'm sorry, but it just really makes me happy. If I die tomorrow, I'll have kissed you twice!"
Karen flushed, but as Yuzuriha skipped to the kitchenette, she couldn't help but think that twice just wasn't enough.
Eleven
She normally would have gone to Subaru to talk, but the fact that this was no longer possible made her angry and confused all over again. There were so many things she wanted to get off her chest, but now Yuzuriha was not an option to confide in. She thought she should talk to Seiichirou, but he was a man, and she had no interest in talking.
A client had touched her spontaneously and without her permission that afternoon. She'd been pissed off, but couldn't really figure out why.
It was her lunch break, so she walked to the nearest Starbucks in hopes that a hot cup of burnt coffee (that's what "roasted" was, after all) would calm her nerves and mood.
"Tall, thank you."
She sat alone at a small table outside. Men gave her appraising glances and a few were bold enough to try to initiate conversation, but they only irritated her. The hot coffee didn't help like she'd hoped it would, either.
Karen didn't want to think about it, but a snippet of a conversation she and Subaru once had entered her mind:
"Ah, I don't like coffee much, especially with roasted beans. It burns my throat and it tastes like shit," Subaru said as he drank coffee with roasted beans.
"Then why do you always drink it?"
"...Because it burns my throat and tastes like shit."
She had never understood what he meant until now.
"...Ah, yes, I'd like that in a tall, please. Thank you," she heard someone say.
"...Ah, yes, I'd like that in a tall, please. Thank you." That's exactly as he'd say it, too. Always polite. Always.
Just once she wanted him to take charge of a situation, no matter how minor, assertively and on his own accord without any consideration to anyone else. He was always so considerate and polite it irritated her.
Of course, when he had done just that by leaving them, it hurt that much more.
"I'd rather not sign up for--...ah...--er, I mean, I--...sure."
Karen stared into her coffee and giggled slightly. The man she heard ordering a coffee - hot and burnt - reminded her of Subaru all the more. It pained her, but she was able to laugh because she remembered what a pushover he could be when it came to small things like signing up for a product newsletter or donating to a cause he didn't quite care about. He could never say no.
There were a lot of people like that in the world.
"Er, is th--"
She looked up, especially at the sudden stop.
"Uh--."
Uh--. indeed.
Her heart jumped into her throat.
He looked petrified.
Karen was torn between throwing her coffee on him and attacking him in an angry blaze, and hugging him so tightly he'd burst and cry.
As he looked at her with wide eyes full of apprehension, she took neither course. "...Sit down," she said in a whisper.
He stayed still with his hand still gripping the chair, knuckles white.
She was more forceful out of anger, desperation, and passion.
"Subaru, sit down."
He'd always been at the mercy of an older woman, so he obeyed without question and sat, staring into his coffee, unmoving. She knew he did that out of fear.
"Aren't you at least going to say hello?" A bitter laugh.
"Karen-san--"
"Karen-s--so because you abandoned us, none of that ever happened?"
He looked up suddenly, nervous. "W-what? No, I...I didn't abandon--"
"The hell you didn't. So what, you forgot that we were friends?"
"...No, I--"
"Then what?"
"I mean, look, you don't understand, it was just--"
"What is it that I don't understand, Subaru-san?"
"Let me finish, Karen," he said, wavering anger in his voice betraying his usually calm demeanor, as he unconsciously balled a fist on the table top.
She leaned back into the chair with her hands on the table and looked skeptical yet submissive. "Well please explain yourself, then."
"...I didn't leave because I was depressed or had a mental breakdown and needed to get away or anything. Well, I did need to get away, but..." He took a noticeable breath. "...Is Kamui upset?"
Karen nodded minutely and then added in a low, demure voice, "...And he isn't the only one..."
Subaru sighed and looked directly at her. "I'm sorry. Will you tell Yuzuriha-san that as well? But...don't...don't tell Kamui you saw me. Please. Will you promise that, Karen?"
"If you tell me why you left us, then yes."
He looked as if he was going to say something, but then stopped and tried unsuccessfully to say something else, only succeeding in staying silent. Finally, he got to the heart of what he needed to say. "I can't form a kekkai anymore."
"S-Subaru..."
"I just...you...you know Seishirou-san was...to me..."
"In a twisted and obsessive way, your world?" she supplied, and her confused expression conveyed how she was still trying to comprehend his words.
He looked as if he'd protest, but then he sighed in resignation with a nod. "Actually...yeah. Even though...--he was everything to me, Karen. Everything."
She nodded for him to continue.
A bitter laugh snuck its way into another sigh. "You're going to hate this, but...without him...I...I had nothing left that I wanted to protect. I lost the ability to create a kekkai."
Karen stared at him, truly stared, as she managed the words, "...Nothing left...that you wanted to...protect?"
"I'm sorry." He looked away and shrugged as he murmured, "I can't help or change the way I feel..."
"So...in the end...we meant nothing to you?"
"No, Karen, that's not it. You, Yuzuriha-san, Kamui...you all mean a lot to me, really you do. But without Seishirou-san...the world means nothing to me."
"Liar."
"...What?"
"Liar," she said angrily with her teeth clenched and cheeks red as tears welled up within her eyes. She wiped them away before any fell, however. "If we really meant anything to you now, you'd be able to put up a kekkai. But we mean nothing to you anymore. Nothing, and that's why you can't summon up the will to protect us, so don't lie to me, Subaru. If we mean nothing to you, just say so."
"...It's not just you, Karen. Or Yuzuriha-san or Kamui. ...I haven't...the desire to protect anything in this world anymore. Without him...it all means nothing to me. Can you understand what it's like to lose the one person who's everything to you, good and bad? Can you understand my feelings, Karen?"
From a small purse she carried, she pulled out a compact mirror and checked her eye make-up as she said softly, "No I can't, Subaru. Because even if my most important person died, I would still find the will to protect the world that others I cared about lived in. And I'd want to protect you, Subaru. I'd still be able to make a kekkai because I love you...and Yuzu-chan...and want to protect you...and everyone. So no, Subaru, I don't understand your feelings. And I'll never be able to." She put away her mirror and took a hasty drink of coffee.
He said nothing and for a few moments they lapsed into a heavy silence.
Finally Karen asked softly, "So...what are you going to do?"
"What do you mean?"
"Now that you can't create a kekkai, what are you going to do? ...What have you been doing?"
He took a long drink. "Well...I've been searching for answers. About Seishirou-san. I've located his family home, and...I was thinking of taking a visit."
"What will his family think of the thirteenth Sumeragi head coming to their house?"
"Nothing. He was the last of his line."
"Oh."
Silence, then a promise. "...Karen, please...tell Kamui nothing of this. Yuzuriha-san, as well."
"...Alright. It wouldn't be good to mention you anyway. Everytime someone says something about you, Kamui-kun gets this kicked puppy look, and Yuzu-chan gets sad."
"And you?" he asked softly after a brief pause.
She looked at him steadily. "I just get angry."
"...I'm sorry."
"No you're not. Because to be sorry, you'd have to care about me."
"If things had been different, Karen...maybe, maybe we would--"
She stood up with her coffee and purse. "I know what could have been between us," Karen said as she bent down and cupped the far side of Subaru's face and kissed his cheek nearest to her. "But it's not something that's possible now, so I don't want to hear it." She rose up and gave him a sad smile. "Be safe, Subaru, please. Because even if you can't find it in your heart to care, I still love you, and if anything were to happen to you, I'd cry."
As she left to return back to work, Subaru still sat, staring into his coffee.
Twelve.
"Do you think it's wrong to love and want to be with two people at once?"
Yuzuriha looked at her and recalled a conversation with an old friend. "Of course not. If everyone just loved one person, that would make things awfully dull and unhappy, wouldn't it? Because there'd be no guarantee that the person you loved would love you back. If we're free to love more than one person, then our happiness increases because love makes us happy."
"Does it? Because sometimes love hurts," Karen countered with a strange smile.
Silence. "...Yeah. But even still, if there wasn't the least bit of happiness in it, then it wouldn't be love, would it?"
"I don't know. I know I'm happy, though."
"Are you?"
"Yes."
Yuzuriha beamed. "Good! Because that would make me sad if you weren't. When you're happy, that makes me happy."
"Ah...but I think if I told Aoki-san how I felt, then he would be unhappy, being put in a rough spot like that. There are men who'd opt to have a family as well as a woman on the side, but these men are jerks, and Aoki-san's a decent man..." Karen sighed with a smile.
"When you marry, it is sort of a committment to one person, isn't it? Then it's wrong to violate that bond and the other person's trust! But...er, I don't know. I haven't quite thought out my philosophy on that one yet..."
Karen laughed. "Well until the great Yuzu-chan decides on her philosophy on that, the general rule that married men who cheat on their wives are dishonorable jerks still stands! Besides, I don't think Aoki-san and his wife have the benefit of hearing your views on love, so they might think that those of us who like to spread our love are really just fickle and indecisive."
"Some day they'll be enlightened, just as I was," Yuzuriha said with a mock sigh.
"Oh? And who enlightened you?"
"Subaru-san. He gave me love advice."
"...You took love advice from Subaru? What on earth possessed you to do something like that?"
They laughed, and Yuzuriha defended, "Well it seemed like a good idea at the time! I mean, I didn't realize how off-kilter he was until he told me certain things, but some of the stuff he said actually made sense. Like the idea that love is love and can be many different things, and you can't put a limit on love."
Karen sighed with a slight smirk. "I guess. But I don't suppose he came up with that on his own?"
"Maybe he got it from the Sakurazukamori."
"In that case, I'm not sure which is scarier, the fact that we may be taking love advice from the Sakurazukamori or some idea Subaru himself thought of!"
Yuzuriha just giggled. "We're a hopeless pair, aren't we?"
"Indeed we are," she smiled and kissed the top of the girl's head gently. "But we're together in this, so that's alright! I suppose that gives us allowance to be as twisted in our views as we want, in that case."
"I suppose," she laughed, then she said seriously, "hey, when the light shines in your hair like that..."
"Uh huh...?"
"Um. It looks really pretty. Like a bunch of flaming fireflies shining and melting like cherry ice cream in your hair!"
Karen stared at her for a second then smiled as she laughed, "I'm not sure if I should be flattered or disturbed by that."
"What? Why?"
She shook her head as the remnants of her laughter faded away. "...You're just something else, Yuzu-chan. I suppose that's one of the reasons why I love you so, right?" Karen then bent down and, for the first time, kissed Yuzuriha soundly on the lips.
An extraordinary smile crossed Yuzuriha's face and she caught Karen in a tight hug and nuzzled innocently against her breasts. "This is sooooo romantic! Here we are, talking about love, and you looked so pretty when you kissed me!"
"Like flaming fireflies melting like cherry ice cream?"
"Like flaming fireflies melting like cherry ice cream."
Thirteen.
Silence.
Yuzuriha sat next to Karen on the floor.
Perfect silence.
She turned to look at Karen, but the woman never moved - sitting on the floor of her room with a glass of brandy in her hand and dried tears on her cheeks.
Tears of a mother were things that Karen never knew, so she took her time to savor them.
Compassion and caring for the "enemy"...that was something Yuzuriha knew all too well and she understood. So she stayed silent and offered only herself for comfort.
Yuzuriha could be quiet and patient when she wanted to, but she had a hard time keeping still, so for movement she leaned over to press her lips against Karen's hair, and she stayed like that for a few moments.
Then Karen turned and kissed her lips like cherry cognac.
Small, lithe hands wandered over an older woman's neck and to her collarbone and down to her breasts and not a bit farther. Karen took one of Yuzuriha's hands and pressed it against her breast, kissing her with passion and emotion all the while as her other hand rest on the girl's upper thigh.
Soft sighs and touched turned to heat. Wherever Karen touched her, Yuzuriha felt like her hands were made of flame. A bright, burning flame that seemed like it would never be extinguished.
Her lips, her ears, her neck, her breasts, they all burned.
Karen licked her ear and Yuzuriha gasped, reaching out to touch the older woman's breasts with her other hand. But as if by magic, or her own hands, Karen's top seemed to rise off and crumple to the floor. Then she withdrew her wandering hands to remove her bra.
Yuzuriha barely paid attention since her concentration was on all the burning places on her body and feeling whole, naked breasts in her hands. She was only vaguely aware of her own top coming off, and, as if by on auto-pilot, she undid her own bra, but it was in such a blur that couldn't distinguish one thing from another: only hot, burning flames. However, when she felt a sudden fire - hot, warm lips and sharp teeth - enclose on one of her bare nipples, time, once varied and blurred, came to a standstill as pleasure so good it hurt rushed to her. She had no idea if they had gotten this far quick or slow, but she hardly cared.
Her heart beat rapidly, and Karen felt.
And she felt elsewhere, thirsting for cherry cognac.
Fourteen.
At 1092 feet, Tokyo Tower stood as the highest point left.
Today it would fall.
Today it wouldn't fall.
On the Special Observation Platform three friends stood, two against the other. One was angry, another was sad, and the other was losing it. They didn't want to fight, but circumstances brought lonely desperation against fierce loyalty and love.
Three friends stood.
Would they fall with Tokyo?
End.