iii Night

What do you think you're doing that array is the only way we have of getting home?

I'm aware that everyone has loved ones they want to get back to, and frankly so do I, but I'm not willing to trade the lives of the Ocampa for our convenience, we'll just have to find another way home

What other way home is there? Who is she to be making these decisions for all of us?

She is the Captain

Well Chakotay aren't you glad you made that perfectly clear to us in the beginning?

I never regretted anything more in my life.

A couple more months in that rehab colony wouldn't have been that bad. Right now I would have been home, doing something with my life

We should have been there Chakotay, we would have been there to save them or to die with them if she hadn't stranded us here.

Blame me, I yielded my authority to her

My children occupy a significant portion of my thoughts at this time

It is unfortunate that I should be so far away from them now

I'll get you back home to them Tuvok

You lied Captain, you are not capable.

I cautioned you about destroying the array, you did not listen

All my dreams, my hopes of being a Starfleet Officer in the Alpha Quadrant, of making Lieutenant in three years , of getting married…..gone because of your selfishness…..What about us, what about our lives? Didn't you think about that before you made your decision?

Federation Rules……Federation Nobility…..Federation Compassion?

Do you understand, if this had been a Cardassian Vessel, we would have been home by now

You are a fool Captain and you are even a bigger fool to follow her

I can't believe how I ever loved you

Computer, command XJL

Wait, yes Seska, I was a fool,

Take me with you

I thought that your advanced technology meant that you were wiser than the people who were indigenous to this Quadrant, but I was wrong, only a fool would willingly strand themselves 70,000 light years away from their home with no way of getting back for strangers who will be defeated in five years anyway. Why did I ever come along on this journey. I lost my lover, I lost my home as I will never make it back there, and I don't know if I'll ever fit into this new home……

……If we ever get back

Captain Kathryn Janeway, while it was a noble gesture to strand your crew in the Delta Quadrant in order to save the Ocampa, we feel that it was too big a sacrifice and an unnecessary one. You could have found a way to fend off the Kazon, use the Technology and then destroy it afterwards. It is the judgment of this court that you are unfit for Command and are hereby relieved of your captaincy.

Based on your actions during your 65 yrs in the Delta quadrant, this court finds you guilty of violating the Prime directive 137 times and based on the inconsistency of your decisions, we have no choice but to ask you to resign your commission.

You are now an ordinary Federation Citizen Ms Janeway…..

You have been relieved. And it is a relief for all of us to see you go.

As her eyes opened Kathryn was not startled, indeed she had this dream many times before and knew that she will have it many times again. The tears did not even fall this time. Kathryn was resigned to her fate. As far as she was concerned she deserved to have this dream plague her because it was all true. She had failed. She had failed her crew and she had failed herself, in one fail swoop with one decision she had undermined everything that she had worked for and in the decisions that followed she had violated the most sacred tenants of Starfleet Philosophy. With one word

The tri-cobalt devices are ready, Captain

We're in Position

Fire

She had fired. She fired on the hopes and dreams of many of her Original Starfleet Crew members. She had fired and had hit the former Maquis crew members as they had to find out via mail that their cause was lost, that they were too far away to join in or even stand and die with their colleagues. And she had fired on the Federation. Maybe her ship and her crew could have done what the entire Federation was not able to do, stop a war. But she had given that command and had removed herself away from the greatest challenge that the Federation faced. She had fired on them from 70,000 light years away and had destroyed them.

Why even bother getting up.

The little voice that was there for the past two weeks coaxing her to get out of bed deserted her, so Kathryn laid there. Thinking, not because she wanted to, but because she couldn't stop thinking as she had done in the past. There were no distractions, no conflict, no life and death struggle to put her in the Captain's mode and to stop her form thinking all there was, was darkness. Not just darkness, but blackness. There was nothing out there. There was nothing in here, in Voyager because the Captain had doomed them to this.

Kathryn turned. With no caffeine in her system, she went right back to sleep.

How it seemed like that in the beginning. A vacation, a long awaited period where there would be no conflict and no contact. Just time to work on their systems, and time to themselves, to re-group and rejuvenate. But it had gone past that. It was now just a time to grit their teeth and get through this region of space without loosing their minds from the frustration and the routine.

Was it possible that there were no stars, no planets, nothing outside of his viewport? It was, the color black, seemingly painted on the transparent bulkhead. The absence of light and it seemed, to be the absence of life with it. It seemed to Chakotay that the crew of Voyager was putting out the only energy in this whole region and trying to infuse life into it. No wonder they were burnt out.

He sighed. It was deep.

The crew wanted their Captain, in fact they needed her at this time. Neelix was correct, they needed to see her, but not only to see that she was happy, but also to see her hope coming through even the in midst of this void. Kathryn knew it and because she couldn't show it, she didn't show herself. At this time, he had doubts as to which course of action would be more harmful to the crew

He looked at the PADD in his hands. Instructions from the Captain:

Nothing is happening, so I will not be reporting to the Bridge for Duty shifts. Let me know if something changes, if anything changes. I'll be in my quarters.

Two weeks ago received those instructions. When B'Elanna had asked and the whole senior staff had joined in wanting to know what was happening, he snapped and used word for word what the Captain had told him. He immediately regretted it, but Chakotay was angry with Kathryn for leaving him holding the bag having to deal with the crew's cabin fever.

The captain did not show herself to the crew even once during those two weeks. She was even conserving replicator rations so that she didn't have to eat in the Messhall. She must have given up coffee that was the only way she could afford to use rations for every meal. Which meant that she wasn't doing anything. Last week, he had checked the replicator logs to ensure that she was eating. She was. Not regularly and nothing constituting a balanced meal, but she was eating.

He couldn't reach her and if he were to be a bit honest, his efforts were half hearted.. All of his energies were put into trying to keep some semblance of command going on Voyager. For the sake of the crew. So after the last brush off, he left her to her own devices. She was the Captain, able, capable and formidable. She could take care of herself. Right now he had 152 other people to worry about.

Those thoughts faded when he entered into Kathryn's quarters to give his report about the radiation that they picked up. The anger had dissipated a week ago, he had to admit, he could never stay angry with Kathryn for long. But the worry was back, it took five minutes for Kathryn to answer door and when she did, she looked as if she had hastily gotten dressed to let him in. At least she was speaking to him. It was a far cry than the last official conversation they had. But just as the Ready Room was a sign of what was going on with her, so too were her quarters. The darkness struck him immediately and he realized how dark it was with only one light was burning. Kathryn was hiding in the shadows of that light.

And her manner, quiet and dead, just like B'Elanna's that morning in the meeting room when he snapped at her. Until she started to talk about how they got stranded here. Then she showed some emotion, but still it gave him cause for concern because he had never heard her talk like that. But he now understood what was going on, she was punishing herself and she was doing a good job of it. The guilt of stranding the crew had enveloped her and she was sitting in the dark, living within the void of her soul. She was teetering on the Abyss. He knew it well, he had experienced it in himself, and he had dealt with it in Neelix and Harry. He needed to reach her before she tipped over and he had a good idea who would be able to help him in that endeavor.

But it seemed that the Delta Quadrant had it's own ideas as one by one the lights went out. As he used the manual override to open his doors he had the fleeting thought that with the Captain in the void of her own soul, the darkness, the night the void that was all-round Voyager for 53 days had finally entered and enveloped them all.

Kathryn sat in her chair not bothering to take off her clothes and go back to bed, she just stared at the black of her viewport. She tried to impart to Chakotay what was happening to her, as if he could save her from herself, but when she heard him giving the same answers that she had given to herself, he realized how hollow it must have sounded to him and she chased him away before he could realize it. It was all for the best.

In her heart, Kathryn had hoped that he would have argued a little more than he did, but her mind told her that she was lucky enough that he stood by her side as long as he had. Nobody had saved her crew from her, why should she expect one of them to save her from herself?

Her mind, her heart and her soul was as void as outside. Figuratively, the blackness on the outside had seeped in and taken up residence in her. It had happened gradually over the last 53 days. If she wanted to be honest with herself, she could say that the darkness had always been there, inside of her, struggling to be heard since she had stranded them in this Quadrant. It had began to come to the fore front about three weeks after entry into this void and it had taken over two weeks ago . It was only when the void literally came in the ship as evidenced by the lights going out one by one, did Kathryn begin to feel the darkness recede just a little…..enough for her to become once again…..

Captain of the Federation Starship Voyager

They were up and about, they were working again together side by side, but something in Chakotay's gut knew that it was not over. Maybe it was because of the parallels he was seeing between the Ocampa and the creatures who inhabited the Void as well as the Kazon and the Malon. Maybe it was the way that Kathryn was forcing herself into her role again. It wasn't as natural as it once was. This was a woman with something to prove, with something to make up for and he knew that when she was in this state of mind, Kathryn was the most dangerous to herself.

He took the time out to talk with Tuvok, to call the bridge crew together to explain to them. He didn't give them too many details, but he had to tell them. It was possible, that she could make them face court martial charges if they did what he wanted them to do when she dropped her bombshell on them. Chakotay knew that she would. The conversation in her quarters told him as much.

Chakotay called the bridge crew's attention to the behavior of the Captain and he reminded them of Neelix's contribution at the briefing. He explained to them that being in command meant that you knew that the crew looked to you to set example in the way that you dealt with situations. He knew for himself that when he was doubtful himself about their ability to get home, it was on the Captain's faith that he drew strength. Chakotay encouraged them to think about where the Captain's faith in their getting home came from and to realize that it was not something with an in-exhaustible supply. Right now the Captain is feeling guilty for stranding them in the Delta Quadrant and may possibly order them to facilitate an action that would allow her to make up for it, by punishing herself and possibly stranding herself her in order to save the Void inhabitants from the Malon.

B'Elanna spoke for everyone before he could even ask. They would disobey any and all orders that would result in her injury or being stranded in the void. She looked pointedly at Tuvok when she said so. She need not have, Chakotay had already spoken to him. Tuvok was on his side. He knew that he would be. They were of different temperament, he and the Vulcan, but the one thing that they had in common was that they were devoted to Kathryn, their Captain and their best friend. For him, she was his best friend ever, and for Tuvok, his best friend on this ship. The risk was worth it. They would never make it without the Captain, especially if she died trying to make it up to them for stranding them here.

If only Kathryn could have seen them, how fast they rallied around her. Then she would understand. Perhaps when this was over he would make her understand. They could not bear to lose her and neither could he. The rest of the Bridge Crew didn't realize that it was not only physically that they had to worry about losing the Captain. Only he and Tuvok knew how far gone the Captain really was. What he was proposing was a start, but he didn't know how good it would be. He didn't know if Kathryn would accept it or not. Not in terms of his alternate plan, he knew that she would accept it once she heard it, but he didn't know if she would hear it, or if their little intervention would have to result in mutiny.

Some fine First Officer he was turning out to be. He didn't care if his actions did result in mutiny, he was going to do it anyway. Then again , it was the job of all First Officers to ensure the safety of their Captain, even if the danger they were facing was from within. As they were awaiting the Captain to join them on the bridge, he stared at the viewscreen and if he didn't know better , it seemed to him that the void was a little lighter. Perhaps it was because he knew that the Malon and the Aliens who inhabited the void were out there. Or maybe it was something simpler than that. ……

maybe it was the knowledge even after the darkest

Night Ends………

There is always...