iv: Dawn

It was the first good night that she had in 55 days, but she was a little nervous as she was dressing for work. It seemed strange to be grooming, after two weeks of not doing anything but the barest minimum. There were new sensor readings to analyze as new phenomena had made themselves known. Supplies had to be obtained, contact with new species had to be made and normal life in space had to be resumed. But what Kathryn had been through was not normal and now that the danger had passed, if she were truthful to herself, she would admit she was a bit scared as well as being relieved at the task ahead. She had to face what she had done and what had happened to her in the Void, but in the midst of work. She was grateful that the crew had gotten her started by rallying behind her and reminding her of how much she meant to them, but they didn't know how much of the real work had to begin. Only two people knew.

As soon as they had come out of the Vortex, Chakotay had asked for the next two days off. Kathryn felt a little guilty as she gave it to him. She had left him to deal with the crew's frustration of being in the void, all by himself. She wanted to start making it up to him and that was the least that she could do. She had spent the rest of the time cleaning her Ready Room and was pleasantly surprised when Tuvok had come at the end of her Duty shift and reminded her of a Holodeck program they were supposed to try together a year ago, but never got around to. Tuscany, France and a bottle of wine. She had enjoyed it. They talked about some things but mostly they sat in silence enjoying the view. Kathryn knew that he had asked her because he wanted to help her acclimate to life back as the Captain again, as Kathryn again and she was grateful for this.

Facing Chakotay was not something she was looking forward to. She didn't want to talk about what had happened, and she had already told him that she didn't report the incident on the bridge in her official logs. She was embarrassed. What happened should not have happened to her again. She thought that she was beyond that having dealt with it a long time ago. She had to accept that it happened again and rethink what had been so off kilter that she had spiraled down. Kathryn knew that she wanted to do this alone; journaling, painting, doing needle point thinking and expressing herself. Maybe later she would be able to talk about it. She felt bad about having to shut Chakotay out again, but before it was pushing him away, now, it would re-grouping and taking care of herself.

When she got into her Ready Room she noticed something on the coffee table. Kathryn got closer as her curiosity getting the best of her. Her heart melted when she saw what it was. There was a single yellow rose in a vase and a gift wrapped in a box. Carefully she opened the box and took out a chronometer it was silver and was of antique design. As she looked it over she mused

It's was exquisite, but why would Chakotay give me such a gift?

Then she spied a piece of paper on which was a hand written note:

This is a replica of the chronometer was worn by Captain Cray of the British navy. His ship was hit by a typhoon in the Pacific. Everyone back in England thought they were killed but eight months later, Cray sailed his ship into the London Harbor. There wasn't much left of his ship….a few planks, half a sail….but he got his crew home. And I believe with all my heart that you will get us home. I give you this as a symbol of that belief and my commitment to that goal.

Kathryn looked at the watch for a long time, tears streaming down her face.

It was only when she got up to put the watch on her desk and dispose of the wrapping she noticed a book at the bottom of the parcel. It was small, as big as a small PADD. There were the preserved petals of a yellow rose that comprised the cover and at the bottom right hand corner, a marking. One that she had seen almost every day in the last four years…..

On the face of her best friend and First Officer……..

She opened the book and began to read:

Kathryn:

I am writing this to you, because I want you to have this to draw from, whenever you need to. It is from all of me to all of you, written on paper because that takes effort and it is personal as it leaves no computer record; bound because as a book, that I hope it will be treasured by you as you are treasured by me.

Two days ago, I almost lost you to the void, not the Void of that desolate region of space, but the void of spirit as you stood on the brink of your own personal abyss. Please don't be shocked that I write this, Remember, I know you very well, as you know me very well. I also know what it is like to stand on that brink, and I've seen people stand on it. I don't know if I have ever named mine, but if I were to name your abyss would be "Failure in Voyager's first mission" What was Voyager's first mission? To get your crew home in a timely basis. If we reached home tomorrow, I believe that you would still think you failed. We would have made a 75 year journey in four years and you would still look at it as failure.

I still say to you that our mission is, and will be a success. We may not have planned it, but we are still the first Starfleet Vessel to explore the Delta Quadrant. When we make it back home, we will take our rightful place in Federation History. We have left our mark on this Quadrant and have shown them the best that the Federation has to offer. What does it say about us that after our very first encounter with species in the Delta Quadrant two people were so impressed by who we are and what we stand for, that they joined us in our journey?

Our excursion into the Delta Quadrant was by someone else's design, but that did not stop us from making this journey our own. We may not have been able to do all that we wanted to do, and we may have not been able to reach all the people that we wanted to. But we didn't need to. It is enough that we did what we could when we could because by the Great Design, it was for us to do. The Think Tank cured the Vidiian Phage; that was not for us to do, but rescuing Seven of Nine from the Borg was. Saving Artemous people from the Borg was not for us to do, but saving species 8472 from them, was.

The words that I used, "Our mission was a complete success" seem hollow to you because you only see it in one light; the light of the mistake that you made four years ago. An error in judgment that all of us are paying for now. How are we paying for it Kathryn? By being out of touch with our families and friends for four years? Our ransom has been paid; our friends and loved ones know that we are alive and well and journeying home. Can we make up for the years lost when we reach home? No, they are lost and we have lost much in this journey, but we have also gained a lot more.

We have gained our lives.

Had you not made that shortsighted and selfish decision four years ago, twenty-five members of your crew would either be in jail or dead at this point in time. Maybe you may not have cared so much since you would not have gotten to know us as well as you do now. But there is one thing that you would have cared about; the amount of your comrades in arms falling now because of the Federation being at war. Maybe instead of losing 10 crew members in four years, you would have lost your whole ship in one battle. You don't know. The Alpha Quadrant looks better because we are far away. When we get back, look at the time that we were lost a little more objectively and you may see something else.

We may have gained not only our lives, but ourselves.

Remember how green Harry was when he first came on board? He has grown up faster than he ever would back home. There is something about this Quadrant; or maybe it's because we're the only Federation citizens out here; it's like a forge. It refines and shapes. Who would have ever thought that he would have made such a good friend in Tom Paris? Do you think that if he was in the Alpha Quadrant, he would have been able to keep it together during something as terrifying as the Hirogen occupation of Voyager?

And what about Tom Paris? How I hated him, when I first came on board. I thought I knew everything about him. He was a sell out and a mercenary. It didn't sit well with me that I was going to be serving under a woman who had sprung him from prison in order to give him a second chance. And now he has earned his place as a responsible officer on this ship, he has earned the love of a good woman, and earned his place in the history books, not only because one Captain gave him a chance, but because the Delta Quadrant was there for him to excel in.

I've known B'Elanna longer than you have and compared to who she is now, what she was then, is a pale reflection. A misfit, that's the way she saw herself and that's the way that she acted. She is one of the greatest engineers that I have ever met, and yet she never made it through the Academy. She threw herself out believing that she was not good enough. Here in the Delta Quadrant, she is the Chief Engineer on an Intrepid Class Starship. It is where she belongs. She deserved so much more than she got out of life and now thanks to the Delta Quadrant, she has gotten it.

We accepted a war deserter and a junk dealer into our fold and through journeying with us, he has become our Morale Officer and our ambassador for the Federation. Our Vulcan Tactical Officer, who had to be dragged two years ago to a party in his uniform, can now give the opening speech for the Prixin celebrations and mingle. All because of the experiences of this Quadrant

We have even helped people evolve. Seven of Nine is human now, thanks to you, single-handedly, in this Quadrant. You would have never been able to do what you did if the events of the Borg/8472 conflict had occurred in the Alpha Quadrant. The Doctor has out gown his original programming, and while we can still argue if he is sentient or not, we can no longer treat him like a hyperspanner or a replicator. He is now a lot more than an artificial construct. Kes has evolved to a higher plane of existence. A being who had never seen the sun in her life went from seeing it, to living in space to evolving in three short years all because she was part of our journey.

And then there is your First Officer, the man who swore he would always be at your side. If you had known him, before, outside of the Delta Quadrant, even as a Starfleet Officer, you would have never been best friends with him, even if he had served under you. You know about what had happened to him, how he was always thought of as a contrary by his Tribe, how he could find no peace in the ways of his Tribe and in the ways of Starfleet. Caught between two worlds until he swore to stand at your side and in that way began to know the true meaning of peace. You know of the instances when that peace seemed to have deserted him, but what you may not know is what he learnt when he reached out to get that peace again.

He learned that the peace that he had gained ran deeper than the outer manifestation of it. He learned that the absence of strife was not the only sign of peace, but that the soul knowledge that all is as it should be even in the midst of the greatest upheaval, was the truest sign of peace there was.

For me, it's not so much because of the Captain, but because of my best friend, that I feel that I've grown journeying home. Before, I was closed. Being a contrary not fitting in, meant that I depended only on myself. If I did reach out to another to support, I did it with minimum involvement of myself, putting another needs first only if it didn't clash with mine. Here in the Delta Quadrant with you as my Captain, it is totally different. I can't explain it, maybe it's because I had the reconciliation with my Father in the Spirit Quest before I got stranded here, maybe it's because of who you are Captain, because of your faith in us and in yourself in getting this crew home, maybe it's because I finally am no longer caught between two worlds. I don't to even try to understand it, I just accept the gift that has been given to me. I reached out and supported you with all that I am and I found that instead of losing myself as I had been so afraid of, I found myself. And not just the First Officer, nor the Maquis Commander or even Chakotay, but something more. Something is happening to me spiritually, making me into what I need to be. I don't know what it is yet, but I know that's what's happening to me is as it should be.

We have not gained so much only because we are stuck in the Delta Quadrant due shortsighted and selfish decision four years ago, but because we follow a Captain who will stop at nothing to get us home. That goal is always there before her, guiding ever every choice, and the crew believes in her when they can't believe in themselves. Because she knows that she will get them home, they believe they will at all times. It is because she has given them hope and courage during all the times when theirs wavered, the one time when the Captain, needed it, they were able to be there for her, and nothing gave them a greater satisfaction than doing so.

The Captain of the Federation Starship Voyager has also grown in our journey throughout this Quadrant.

I've watch my best friend go from being someone who was rigid in her command style and comfortable with a large distance between herself and her crew, to someone who has allowed the members of he crew come close to her as she mentors them and guides them through this quadrant. I have watched her go from stick adherence to protocols in all situations right or wrong, to embracing the grayer areas of all situations and making decisions based on fairness and necessity ready to face all consequences of ensuring her crew's safety.

I've noticed that while we are a ship filled with Starfleet Officers during battle, we are a Federation Community in the quiet times of our journey. When we first stared all we were, was a lost Starfleet crew, now we are a true family. I've been with the Captain through a lot of celebrations; I've seen her enter them with joy filled abandon. There've been occasions of great sorrow through the years. I have been with her as she's wept silent tears for the ones who have given their all in this Quadrant, that we might be safe to journey another day. We've been there for all members of our community ensuring their safety. To ease the burden of command, we've been there for each other.

My best friend and I have journeyed together, giving each other support, sometimes silent, sometimes symbolic, and sometimes vocal. We have journeyed apart, hurting each other as only we can because we are the only ones who know the extent of our individual wounded-ness. We have made mistakes, and we have tried our best to correct them to do right by the crew and by ourselves.

As she starts now, her own personal journey away from her Abyss, I write these words to her.

Kathryn I write these words because I don't know if I will ever have the eloquence to say them to you face to face, but I don't want that to prevent me from never saying what I want to say. I write these words so that whatever you are facing privately, and are not able to share it with me in the upcoming days, you will know that I am thinking of you and holding you in my soul. I write these words so that whenever you need to, you can read this and know that as I have promised you, I am with you.

Always

When she finished reading, Kathryn carefully put the book down on the table and allowed the tears to fall as she smiled through them.

She needn't have worried.

When she was finished, she notified Tuvok that he had the bridge and left her ready room and made her way to the Turbolift not caring that her eyes were red and that the crew would probably see that she had been crying.

"Come" Chakotay called when he heard the chime, he was busy working on an etching that he had started when they were in the Void. The footfalls were sure and swift, so Chakotay knew who it was but he was still surprised when he looked up and saw a red-eyed Captain.

"Kathryn" He stood up concerned, and he went to her. She held up her hand when he approached her personal space and for a moment he panicked. He was so sure that she would have appreciated the gift that he left for her, but she looked like hell. Her eyes were closed and the tears were rolling down her face like a river. After a time she opened her eyes and she did something that told him that everything was OK.

With one hand, she took his. He let her fingers intertwine his. His eyes did not leave her as she touched him and when she was finished, she said very quietly through her tears

"Thank you Chakotay, it is a gift that I will always treasure." Her voice was sure and steady, he always marveled at her ability to sound that way, as it was obvious to him that she wasn't.

He smiled, it was large and something that she had not seen in ages. He took his hand and cradled her cheek. She leaned into it as he said….

"Anytime." Then he removed his hand from her face, but he still held on to her hand. With her free hand, Kathryn did something that she had never done before, she traced his tattoo slowly softly while his gaze never left her face. Then she lowered her gaze and met his eyes and searched them deeply as if trying to find out something. Chakotay's gaze didn't waver, whatever it was that she needed to see in him, he would show her. After a time, Kathryn said….

"I need to get back to duty, someone has to be in command of this ship."

The smile still played on his lips. "Have a good day Kathryn"

She nodded and turned to leave. He settled back into his seat, but Kathryn came back to him and asked.

"Do you still have those Holodeck rations? I think there's a Velocity trashing with your name on it"

"Hah! Famous last words…..you're on!" He shook the carving knife at her. She giggled as she left the room.

He continued his carving in peace.

All was as it should be

The Night had ended

It was day

The End

Part 12: Disengaged