Hi there. I've had a slight writer's block lately. But it's nothing to be worried about. I occasionally get new ideas out of the blue, just like this one you're about to read. So, read on and enjoy.
SoapFics™ presents
A fanfic by soapfiction
In a tribute to Chuck Jones
Kung Fool
A Ranma ½ fic
It's a dark night in little Tokyo. As everyone knows, trouble lurks in these parts. At a certain warehouse, a gang of troublemakers and vandals prepare for a dastardly night on the town.
Suddenly, coming from out of nowhere, and catching them completely off guard, a teenager, wearing baggy clothes and sporting a single pigtail, launches himself at them, and begins his deadly assault of those who prey on the innocent.
"Hah!" Ranma yells with a kick. "Outta' my way, jerko! Take that!" He bashes the men around him easily. Two men come at him at once, and he grabs them both, slamming their heads together. He sends one through the brick wall with a kick, acting like a wrecking ball. These men had no chance against the teenage martial artist.
After being easily manhandled, they decide to flee. As they head for the door, the boy runs after them.
"Hey, cowards! Get the hell back here! I'm not done yet!"
He launched himself at the group, only to crash right through them, and out of the building. He got back up from under the rubble, eager for the fight to continue. Only…
"Huh?"
Something was wrong. Not only was the building he had just crashed through gone, but also the city itself. Nothing but a white background remained. There was literally nothing there, except Ranma, the teenage martial artist.
"Yaah? Jerks…not so fast?" The boy looked around for the culprits, as well as the scene. He then looked at the screen view of the two-dimensional cartoon of which he was a part. He shrugged, and walked offscreen, leaving us with nothing but a white background. He then poked his head out into view.
Psst "Hey! Whoever's controlling this thing! Where's the scene, huh? I need a scene to work with here!"
He went back out of view. All of a sudden, a large brush came into view, painting a scene on the screen. It worked until the scene was a nightclub full of people dancing, drinking, and having a good time. That was, until Ranma jumped into the scene, scaring people half to death.
"Okay, jerks! The party's-"
He stopped, and looked around at the scene.
"Over? Hmm?" He looked back at the screen view, an irritated look on his face. "Okay, pal. Have it your way!"
He zipped back offscreen, only to reappear in a flashy outfit, dancing across the screen, through the club, as Journey blared from the DJ.
Any way you want it
That's the way you need it
Any way you want it
He continued to make his way through the club, until the scene changed before him. He didn't notice it right away, though, and continued.
She loves to laugh
She loves to sing
She does everything-
He stopped when he noticed the crowd noise and music had stopped, and looked around. He was now on a soccer field on a bright, sunny day.
He sighed angrily, and looked back at the screen.
"Hey, would it be too much to ask if we could make up our minds? Hmm?"
He walked back offscreen, reappearing seconds later in a soccer uniform. A ball came flying out of nowhere, and he chased it across the field. He kept running, past the field, and onto the sand that now made up the scene. He stopped in his tracks when he noticed the sand, and looked around. The scene was now a beach on a summer day, full of people. He grumbled, gave the screen a look, and sullenly walked back off.
He reappeared in his usual beach ware, running through the sand, towards the water. However, when he was about to reach the water, the scene ended, and he ended up diving into a blank background, like before. He got up, and looked around again. Nothing there.
He turned to the screen. "Okay, pal. In case you haven't noticed, this is an anime cartoon. And, in case you didn't now, these cartoons are supposed to have scenes." As he kept talking, the eraser end of a giant pencil appeared, and began erasing him from the feet up. "And when you get a scene, you're supposed to keep the scene there until it becomes appropriate to change-"
By now he was completely erased.
"All right, wise guy. Where the hell am I?"
The brush came back down, painting Ranma back onto the scene. Only this time, he was dressed in a rock star outfit, complete with flashy electric guitar. He shrugged, grabbed the fret board, and began to shred on the strings.
No sound came. He looked down, trying to speak about what was wrong, when he noticed that no sound came out of him, either. He narrowed his eyes, looked at the screen, and lifted one of Genma's signs.
(Sound, Please!)
A slight crackle could be heard in the air. Someone had turned on the sound. Satisfied, Ranma strummed the guitar.
BANG BANG BANG "AAAAAAHHHHHH!"
Ranma jumped, letting go of the axe. The gunfire and girlish scream that came from the guitar had startled him. He grabbed the instrument again, and, with caution, strummed again.
"KYAAAAA! HENTAI!"
He looked back at he screen with narrowed eyes, and again prepared to strum. Instead, however, he raised the guitar into the air, and slammed it onto the ground, breaking it into several pieces.
BOOM! "YAAAHHH!"
He sighed, picked up the pieces, and walked offscreen. When he returned, he was dressed in his normal attire, with his head slumped down, and his face stony.
He walked to the center of the screen, and raised his head. He then opened his mouth to yell at the screen.
"ROOAAARRR!"
Godzilla's trademark roar escaped his mouth before he covered it with his hands in embarrassment. He then raised his head again, raising a hand as well, trying to yell at the screen.
"NI! NI! NI!"
He recoiled again, very embarrassed that the trademark quote of The Nights who say "Ni!" had escaped him this time. He opened his mouth slightly, only to have a little squeak resonate. He then looked at the screen, a look of utmost anger and loathing building up on his face. His patience gone, he launched into a screen-wide tantrum, finally stopping in the middle of the screen, his fist raised.
"YOU CHEAP JERK! WHEN I CATCH YOU, I'M GONNA RIP YOUR INTESTINES OUT, WRAP 'EM AROUND YOUR NECK, AND CHOKE YOU TILL-"
He abruptly calmed down, slumped his head, and looked at the screen with a sigh.
"Look, man. What's the big idea? Why can't we just get organized here? I've gotta be back home in time to stop Nabiki before she takes this footage and blackmails me. So, how about some freakin' scenery!"
He walked offscreen. The giant pencil came back, drawing up a scene consisting of downtown Nerima, shopping streets and all. Only it remained in pencil.
"Ooh, nice" Ranma said as he walked back onscreen. "That's really good, unbelievable." He turned to the screen. "Now, how about some colors in there, stupid?"
Water came splashing down on him from the air, and the giant brush immediately attacked him.
"Hey!" Ranma shouted, now in girl-form.
When the brush was done, her clothes were painted several different colors, and her face had a very embarrassing character painted on it. She fumed.
"Not me, you stupid slop artist!"
The pencil came back, erasing her entire body, leaving only the big eyes and mouth.
"Well? Where's the rest of me, jerk?"
The brush returned, and started painting her figure. Ranma pondered to herself.
"Hmm. It isn't as though I haven't done anything right…."
When it was done, Ranma-chan was dressed in a very revealing S/M outfit, complete with whip in her hands. She didn't seem to notice, though, as she walked away from the colorless scene, into a blank scene again.
"And it isn't though I haven't been taking care of myself. I've been keeping in shape, and my figure still beats Akane's by a mile!"
A mallet suddenly came flying through the air, and landed square in her face.
"Oww. Stupid tomboy. Anyway, it's just strange. Suddenly, I just don't feel like myself."
The brush painted a full-body size mirror next to Ranma-chan.
"Oh, I feel all right, but I still don't…I…"
She looked into the mirror.
"EEEEEEK!"
She turned to the screen, fuming once again.
"YOU KNOW BETTER THAN THAT, PERVERT!"
The eraser erased her once again, leaving only the blankness.
"Well?"
The brush returned, painting up Ranma's figure again. This time, he was back to male, and in a cool space-themed military outfit. He examined his new outfit.
"Hmm. A sci-fi fic, eh? I always wanted to do one of these. Now, if we could just get a cool scene up here, we'd be ready to go."
The giant brush painted on a scene in space. Ranma was on the surface of some moon, with a huge battle going on near him. He grabbed the blaster rifle off his back, and charged into the fray, only to run off a large cliff that appeared right when he started running. The battle was gone as well.
Miles away, but still in view, Ranma climbed up to the peak of a mountain. He then waved at the screen.
"Hey! C'mere! Get over here! Gimmie a close-up! A Close-up!"
The screen shrunk, encircling Ranma, leaving only a tiny spot in the screen with him in it, still very far away.
Ranma fell to the ground, anime-style. He got up again. "THIS is a close-up? A close-up, ya' dumb bastard! A CLOSE-UP!"
The camera zoomed in all the way, stopping just in front of Ranma's enormous, pissed-off eyes. He then turned around, walking into a blank background again.
"Thanks for the pointless delays, pal" he scoffed, turning back to the screen.
"Now, buster, let's get one thing clear-"
What appeared to be a brick wall fell onto Ranma's head, stopping there as well.
"Now what?"
The brush came by, and painted an I-Beam next to Ranma. He grabbed it, and braced the brick wall above him.
"Honestly, where the hell do they get guys like this?" He finished, and turned back to the screen.
"Now, as I was saying-"
The beam broke, and the wall fell on Ranma again. He lifted it up, keeping it above his head, until to other brink walls came sliding in perpendicular to the first wall, intending to crush Ranma. He abandoned the wall above him, and kept the other two at bay. The first came down on his head, and seemed to be getting even heavier.
"Nngghh!" The walls to his sides seemed to get more force, too. He tried to keep them at bay, when a thousand other walls came slamming down on him, forcing him to be crushed to the ground. For a second, it was just brick walls.
"AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!"
Fists and chi blasts blew the walls apart, sending bricks and debris everywhere. Ranma cleaned out the area around him, sending all the bricks away. When he was done, he stopped, breathing heavily.
"All right, pal," he huffed, "let's get this picture started!" he snarled as he smashed one final brick.
The screen shrunk and disappeared, leaving only black, with a THE END sign. Then, the preview for the next episode started.
In next week's adventure, we have-
"No, NO!"
Ranma pushed away the screen showing the preview.
"All right, bud. I've had enough of this. Let's get everything straight, right now. You go your way, and I go mine. We do what we're supposed to do, and we coexist. Right? Right! Okay, so we're clear? Good! All right, loyal fans! There will be no more jokes or cruel delays, so we will finally get this show on the road!"
He then started to practice some kung fu moves onscreen. All of a sudden, the film pulled to a stop, leaving the frame spilt in two, with one half of Ranma on top, and the other half on the bottom.
"Now what?" the bottom half yelled.
Suddenly, the top half pulled down to reveal a second Ranma.
"What're you doing down there?" he said.
"Down here?" the one on the bottom said. "What're you doing up there?" He then pointed up to his copy, and made a mean gesture. "Down here."
The copy picked Ranma up, and pulled him to the top frame, which was now back to normal. Ranma shoved his copy off of him.
"Listen, punk: if you weren't me, I'd beat your ass to a pulp!"
"Don't let that stop you, jackass!"
"Okay, pal, you asked for it!" he said, bringing his fist back. Before he could connect, however, the paintbrush replaced the copy with a metal wall, and Ranma struck it, sending his hand into pain.
"Oww! What the hell was that for, you jerk?"
Suddenly, the brush spun into action again, and Ranma found himself in a scene reminiscent of Hayao Miyazaki's Naucissa of the Valley of the Wind.
"Ooh, Naucissa! This looks cool!"
An aircraft appeared beside him. He jumped on, pulled down the goggles that had been painted on his head, and zoomed off. He flew through the air, around mountains and clouds. That was, until an electrical storm was painted in front of him, and lightning struck and destroyed his craft.
"Uh oh! Better bail out!" He jumped from his craft, and deployed his parachute. Of course, the brush appeared again, and the chute was replaced by a boulder. He plummeted to the surface, right into a lake. Now female, she swam up to the shore, and, dazed from the collision to her head, started clumsily walking through the street.
"Man, this has been one wild ride" she said, slumping around. The brush came back, and painted a land mine a few feet in front of her. "I don't know what was more harrowing, this or the time when Shampoo tried to-"
She stepped on the land mine, sending her flying through the sky. When she landed, she shook herself off, and stood up, fuming as she looked at the screen.
"All right! Enough is enough! I've had it up to here with all this crap! And I'm not taking any more of it! Who's doing this to me? I demand that you show yourself, coward! Who the HELL are you!"
The brush came back for one final run, and painted a hole in the ground, from which resonated a sea of meowing. Ranma-chan's face went dark.
"Eep."
The stampede of cats ran after her like a cavalry after a fox. Ranma-chan ran away, screaming her lungs out.
Suddenly, the camera backed away, to reveal a boy sitting at a desk in an art studio. He was Soapfiction, the author of the fic in question, and was finishing up with his work.
"Ain't I a stinker" he said to himself. "Heh. Now, to start on the next-"
A voice resonated throughout the building.
The picture was going very well, very well indeed,
The boy lifted his head up. "Huh? Who the hell is that?"
When, suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack!
"What? Who's doing this? I- UGH!"
The author clutched his chest, and fell forward, face first, into his work. A little, stump-shaped man bounded into the studio, jumping onto the desk.
"Hee hee hee! It worked, it worked!" he said, as he shoved Soap aside, and took his place in the chair. He picked up the brush.
"Now to have some fun!"
That's all, folks! What'd you all think? Can any of you guess the cartoon it's based off of? I'm sure some of you can remember it. Either way, please review if you liked the story. And keep checking back for more. Happy trails.