Disclaimer: I don't own Shinji, Asuka, Gendo, Rei, or any other Evangelion
characters, Gainix does. No infringement is intended...blah blah blah,
insert more legal crap here. Jesus and other religious affliliates are
copyright The Beginning of Time.
Writer's Note: Hello, and welcome to another exciting chapter! I thought I'd just say "Hi" and "Thanks" to all my readers who enjoyed the previous installment! For my first time writing on this thing, I'd say its not going too shabby. Considering this fan fic is about 90% random humor, and 10% Evangelion.
Okay, that's all I wanted to say. I don't wanna deprive people from another nicotine-laced chapter...I mean...nothing...*Ahem*
Now, on with the show!
Part 2- Attempting to Knock on Heaven's Back Door...yeah, I've got connections there. I don't think Buddha can help you there, honey. Beware of Strange Japanese Water Men Who's Heads Explode.
(The sun rises on a brand new day in the World Reborn. If you ask me, it looks like crap. Asuka is bathing in the cranberry juice...or whatever...far, far away from where Shinji is. Shinji is writing stuff in the sand with a stick. He stops, stands back, and smiles.)
Shinji: I have just rewritten the history of the world in the sand right here. Look at it. Now we'll never forget it! I'm a genius. (looks back and forth, then replaces all the famous people's names with his own.) Hahaha, no one will be the wiser! I'ma show Asuka. HEY ASUKAAAAAA! (begins running to her location)
Asuka: Ahh! Don't come yet, I'm not decent!
Shinji: Silly Asuka, you can't go down here!
Asuka: Not descent! Decent!
Shinji: Dessert?
Asuka: I'M NOT DRESSED YET!
Shinji: Oh. (Looks around, runs faster)
Asuka: Crap. (quickly grabs suit, and puts it on)
Shinji: Aw. Not quick enough. Come see what I did!
Asuka: Did you kill another Jesus Poster? Did you violate the Virgin Mary again?
Shinji: LOOK!
Asuka: (reading aloud) "...and so this bad man named..." You crossed out "Hitler" and put in "Shinji"
Shinji: Yeah, I was pretty bad back then.
Asuka: Really? Well, apparently the US President named Shinji and the British Prime Minister, ALSO named Shinji stopped the evil ruler of Germany, who was coincidentally named Shinji.
Shinji: Yeah, those were the good old days.
Asuka: I see one little flaw in your plan to rewrite history...
Shinji: You mean tell history like it is!
Asuka: No.
Shinji: Darn. What flaw?
Asuka: (points to large wave)
Shinji: Pfft, what's a wave gonna do to history? (Wave crashes over him and stuff written in the sand. "History" washes away.) Crap.
Asuka: ...And there's the flaw.
Shinji: Yeah...well...well...I have bigger boobs than you! (runs away crying)
Asuka: (dumbfounded)...Don't say anything, Asuka. Just don't.
Shinji: (runs along and bumps into a large statue of Buddha) Oh. HEY! Its SANTA!
Buddha: Its Buddha.
Shinji: Okay, Santa! (sits on his lap)
Buddha: Please don't sit there.
Shinji: Aren't you gonna ask me what I want for Christmas?
Buddha: I'm not Santa Claus. I'm Gautama Buddha, and I teach the Eightfold Path to Enlightenment.
Shinji: The Hateful Pants to a light refreshment?
Buddha: ...You are beyond help, young one.
Shinji: Ask me what I want for Christmas, Santa!
Buddha: I refuse!
Shinji: I'll cry if you don't!
Buddha: No!
Shinji: (cries) Wahhhhh, mommmmmmyyyyyyy! Santa's touching me in strange places!
Buddha: OKAY OKAY!
Shinji: Better. Now say it.
Buddha: (sighs) What...do you want for...uh...
Shinji: SAY IT.
Buddha: Christ...Christmas.
Shinji: I wanna train aaaaaaannnnnnnnd a carrrrrrrrr annnnnnnnd a G.I. Joooooooe...
SEVERAL MINUTES LATER...
Shinji: ...aaaaaaaaaand lotsa moneyyyyyy annnnnnnnnnnd a baseball baaaaaaaaaat--
Buddha: Alright, that's it.
Shinji: (cries) WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Buddha: (pulls out bacon sandwich, laden with butter, and many other high cholesterol condiments) May the heaven's have mercy on me in my next life. (Eats sandwich. Buddha dies of a heart attack)
Shinji: Mommy...Santa's not moving anymore...
Asuka: You have nothing better to do with your time than kill religious figures?
Shinji: I didn't kill Santa! Did...did I?
Asuka: Let's keep walking.
Shinji: That's all we do. Walk. Walk walk walk. What are we supposed to be doing, really? Where is everyone? Why can't I have it my way at Burger King anymore?
Asuka: I TOLD you, we're supposed to recreate civilization.
Shinji: And what do we do to accomplish this?
Asuka: Well...y'know...we have to...erm...
Shinji: Yes?
Asuka: Sleep...together...*cough cough* Yeah.
Shinji: Oh, that's EASY! Why didn't you say so before? Let's do it right here!
Asuka: Do it...right...here?
Shinji: Yeah! I like the sand under me anyway!
Asuka: Sand...under...you? You're actually listening to me?
Shinji: Huh? What did you say?
Asuka: (thinks, and sighs) Okay, let's do this.
Shinji: Okay! (Shinji lays down, and starts snoring)
Asuka: ...What are you doing?
Shinji: You SAID sleep together, so start sleepin'!
Asuka: ...You are REALLY dense. (begins walking off)
Shinji: Hey, you don't know that! You don't even know my mass OR my volume, so you couldn't know! HAH! I showed you! ...Hey, wait up! (runs after her)
Asuka: There are giant talking chickens around...heck...maybe someone can make you smart around here...(sees sign that says "Houze of SmART Pooples" and an arrow pointing to a small shack) It'll have to do.
(Asuka and Shinji enter the shack. The Writer, a couple of his friends, and George W. Bush are sitting around a table talking. The Writer is doing The Robot for some odd reason, and his friends are all gobbling like turkeys. George W. Bush is rewriting the Constitution of America using a purple crayon. On the back, it has a badly drawn picture of a house, and several stick figure people. An arrow is pointing to the house that says "Mi HOUZE".)
Dubuya: Do ya like it? I like it. There's Dicky boy there, see? (He points to the stick figure that looks like its having a heart attack)
Asuka: (slowly begins to back out of the house. Whispers to Shinji) Run, while you still can.
Shinji: But I wanna draw too--
Asuka: RUN! (They run, and the house behind them blows up)
Shinji: Aw, poor guys. I liked that picture guy. He was stupid. You're still sure this isn't an acid tri--
Asuka: YES!
(Quickly cuts to water droplets, then cuts back)
Asuka: What the hell?
(Cuts to water droplets)
Shinji: This is strange.
(Water droplets)
Asuka: Hey, check out that old man over there.
(They walk over to an old Japanese man with bloodshot eyes. He has a water dropper in his hand, and is standing over a kiddie pool. He is dropping little droplets into the water.)
Shinji: Hello guy!
Japanese Guy: WATER!! (squints eyes, and drops a little droplet into the water.)
Asuka: So THIS is where that water droplet shot comes from?
Shinji: Apparently so! (Eyes kiddie pool) Must...jump...in...
Japanese Guy: NO!! WATER MINE!!
Shinji: Aw, don't be such a water hog.
Japanese Guy: (begins screaming wildly in Japanese)
Shinji: What, I can jump right in? Really? You won't stop me? COOL!
Asuka: Shinji, I don't think he's saying--(Shinji jumps into the kiddie pool)--that.
Japanese Guy: AHHHHHH-YAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! (Shinji jumps out of pool, Japanese guy's head explodes)
Asuka: Holy...
Shinji: Well...that was...fun...
Asuka: THIS is your definition of fun?
Shinji: So, what's YOUR definition? Is it one not legal in 51 states? Don't lie to me, I've seen your hentai stash!
Asuka: That's YOUR hentai stash.
Shinji: (about to say something, then shuts up) Touche.
Asuka: Gimme a bikini and a massuse and I'm good.
Shinji: WELL, that suit is skimpy enough, and people tell me I'm mighty good at shiatsu.
Asuka: Who says that?
Shinji: Rei told me!
Asuka: HAH! That robot!
Giant Rei Head: Who you calling a robot?!
Asuka: AHH! (turns around to see the giant bleeding Rei head on the water/cranberry juice/whatever)
Shinji: So you've been making all this cranberry juice, Rei? It needs a little work, I must say...
Giant Rei Head: What the hell are you two doing? You're supposed to be in the middle of sweet sweet love making!
Asuka: ME? With this idiot?
Shinji: What's Louvre making? Are we gonna build that famous museum in France? Rei, tell Asuka that I do good Shiatsu!
Giant Rei Head: He DOES do good shiatsu.
Asuka: How do YOU know?
Giant Rei Head: Well, we DID lay on each other butt naked a couple of times, so you don't think NOTHING happened.
Asuka: Naked?!
Shinji: (sings) Asukaaaaaaaa's jeallllllous! Asukaaaaaaaaaa's---(gets brick to the face) I hate you, brick.
Giant Rei Head: Look, go to the north if you really can't stand him being stupid. You'll find something there, I dunno what. The Writer told me to lead you guys there.
Asuka: Oh, you poor thing. You're nothing but a plot device.
Giant Rei Head: Yeahhhhh. Oh well, I'm cool with it.
Asuka: Well, I'll do that then.
Giant Rei Head: You two better have beautiful babies, or else!
Shinji: Rei, you're talking the crazy talk. I wish I could talk the crazy talk, and walk the crazy walk. I also wish I had bountiful boobies. I'm so flat chested. How come Asuka gets the big--
Asuka: Why are you always going on about that?! (Sighs) Let's go, you. (drags him off)
Shinji: (to Rei head) I'll always love you, albino clone of mommy!
(So off they went towards the north. Brr, north. I'll sleep on it again.)
Asuka: Are you SURE this is North?
Shinji: Of course I'm sure! Its not like I just pointed my finger in some random direction and started walking...(thinks)...Oh...wait a sec...
Asuka: (face palms) We're SO going to die. I don't know why I let you lead anyway.
Shinji: HEY LOOK! ITS DADDY!
Asuka: Yes, yes, Shinji. There's your mommy too...
Shinji: No, seriously Asuka. Its DADDY! (points to Gendo, who is in black coat and sitting in his usual "elbows-on-desk-so-you-can't-see-his-mouth" fashion.)
Asuka: What the devil?
Shinji: Daddy! Hi! (Gendo does nothing.) Dad?
Asuka: Commander Ikari, what blazes are you doing here? How the heck are you even ALIVE? (Gendo still does not respond)
Shinji: (Gets on top of Gendo) Wee! Piggy back ride, daddy!
Asuka: Something is...not right...(Asuka prods Gendo, who still does not show any expression, or move at all)
Shinji: Asuka, you shouldn't touch daddy THERE...that's for mommy only.
Asuka: SHUT UP! I'm not! (Pushes Gendo, who falls to the ground with a metallic clang)
Shinji: (Was still on Gendo when Asuka pushed him) Ow. Could you have waited til' daddy finished the piggy back ride?
Asuka: Shinji, this is not your dad. This is a Gendo body double robot...thing. Look, there's a microphone. (points to mic that is sticking out from Gendo Bots back)
Shinji: Oh...so THAT'S how he was able to remain motionless for long periods of time!
Asuka: It all makes SENSE now!
(The Writer pops in, gives the thumbs up sign, and holds out a cue card that says "Dear Studio That Produced Evangelion, I have now created a new reason why you showed the same panel for long stretches of time. This is to prevent people from complaining about the budget cuts that affected your anime greatly, as they will all see it was all part of your master plan. Let us not forget the 15 minute long Kaoru-death sequence. I believe a 5,000 dollar payoff will be sufficient. I take cash only, and I prefer consecutively numbered bills. Please send to the addressed stated in my blackmail...I mean...request letter. Thanks, The Writer.)
(Asuka and Shinji look at each other)
Asuka: That was a low blow.
Shinji: Indeed. (Shinji looks back and forth, then prys of Gendo bots head off and puts it on, starts talking all ghostly like) Asukaaaaaaaaaa, loooooook! I'm Commander Ikariiiiiiiiiii, ooooooooooooooooooooh! I'm gonna sit in one pose for a long tiiiiiiiiiime and sleep with all my female co- workerrrrrrrrrssssssss!
Asuka: ...You have a messed up family.
Shinji: Look who's talking, schizo offspring.
Asuka: (whacks Shinji with rest of Gendo body)
Shinji: (flies backward and slams into another large monolith) Ow. Thank god for my Keitaro-esque invinciblity!
(The Writer shoots himself for using a reference to Love Hina.)
Jesus Poster #6: Hey man, I was sleeping.
Shinji: (looks up) Oh, hey Jesus! Sorry 'bout that. Soooo...
Jesus Poster #6: Don't pull no pun crap on me.
Shinji: Damn. Anyway, guess what? I killed Santa! Aren't you proud of me?
Jesus Poster #6: ...Hurry up and ask me what the meaning of life is so I can die.
Asuka: Oooohhh no. Not this time. (Covers Shinji's mouth) Okay, which way is north, and secondly, why are we going north?
Jesus Poster #6: Well, north is that way (motions), and you're probably going North to visit the Great Seer.
Asuka: Great Seer?
Jesus Poster #6: Yeah. You know those giant animals you've probably come across? That's his fault.
Asuka: Ah.
Jesus Poster #6: Beware, there are dangers ahead! You must travel through the treacherous Canyon of l337, and then get past the gauntlet of Vibrating Beds!
Asuka: You've gotta be freakin' kidding me.
Jesus Poster #6: Sorry, that's what it says in the script right here.
(The Writer installs more locks on his door, loads shotgun)
Shinji: (mouth still being covered) Whaf isht da meeenink oof loife?
Jesus Poster #6: The meaning of life is--(Jesus Poster #6 is viciously ravaged by Satan)
Satan: Ha! Who's the bitch now?!
Shinji: HEY! You owe me something!
Satan: Do not!
Shinji: Yes you do! I sold you my soul, now you gotta pay up!
Satan: I don't remember buying anything like that.
Shinji: You lie!
Satan: Please! Do you think the Prince of Darkness and all that is Evil would do such a disreputable thing as LIE?
Shinji: Hmmm, you make a good point. Sorry man.
Satan: Its cool. I'll see you later then?
Shinji: Huh? Whaddya mean by that?!
Satan: Oh...um...nothing.
Asuka: Let's go, Shinji.
Shinji: (begins to walk always, giving Satan the evil eye and pointing) I'm watching you...
(They continue north. Shinji is singing "If I Only Had A Brain", and Asuka is making a noose out of her bandages. They finally come to the mouth of the Canyon of l337)
Asuka: Here it is.
Shinji: Its just a big canyon...a big Canyon of 1337.
Asuka: Y'know... I'm beginning to think you're right about this whole "acid trip" thing.
Shinji: Told you so.
What awaits our heros inside the dangerous Canyon of l337? Who is the mysterious Great Seer? Is this all just a weird acid trip? Will someone help Asuka? Will Shinji quit singing songs from "The Wizard of Oz"? Will The Writer commit ritual seppuku to redeem himself? Will Jesus appear in a form besides poster? Will Buddha win the Sumo Wrestling Championship? Will George "Dubuya" Bush ever finish defacing the Constitution, and our country for that matter? When will the increasing randomness end?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME!
Writer's Note: Hello, and welcome to another exciting chapter! I thought I'd just say "Hi" and "Thanks" to all my readers who enjoyed the previous installment! For my first time writing on this thing, I'd say its not going too shabby. Considering this fan fic is about 90% random humor, and 10% Evangelion.
Okay, that's all I wanted to say. I don't wanna deprive people from another nicotine-laced chapter...I mean...nothing...*Ahem*
Now, on with the show!
Part 2- Attempting to Knock on Heaven's Back Door...yeah, I've got connections there. I don't think Buddha can help you there, honey. Beware of Strange Japanese Water Men Who's Heads Explode.
(The sun rises on a brand new day in the World Reborn. If you ask me, it looks like crap. Asuka is bathing in the cranberry juice...or whatever...far, far away from where Shinji is. Shinji is writing stuff in the sand with a stick. He stops, stands back, and smiles.)
Shinji: I have just rewritten the history of the world in the sand right here. Look at it. Now we'll never forget it! I'm a genius. (looks back and forth, then replaces all the famous people's names with his own.) Hahaha, no one will be the wiser! I'ma show Asuka. HEY ASUKAAAAAA! (begins running to her location)
Asuka: Ahh! Don't come yet, I'm not decent!
Shinji: Silly Asuka, you can't go down here!
Asuka: Not descent! Decent!
Shinji: Dessert?
Asuka: I'M NOT DRESSED YET!
Shinji: Oh. (Looks around, runs faster)
Asuka: Crap. (quickly grabs suit, and puts it on)
Shinji: Aw. Not quick enough. Come see what I did!
Asuka: Did you kill another Jesus Poster? Did you violate the Virgin Mary again?
Shinji: LOOK!
Asuka: (reading aloud) "...and so this bad man named..." You crossed out "Hitler" and put in "Shinji"
Shinji: Yeah, I was pretty bad back then.
Asuka: Really? Well, apparently the US President named Shinji and the British Prime Minister, ALSO named Shinji stopped the evil ruler of Germany, who was coincidentally named Shinji.
Shinji: Yeah, those were the good old days.
Asuka: I see one little flaw in your plan to rewrite history...
Shinji: You mean tell history like it is!
Asuka: No.
Shinji: Darn. What flaw?
Asuka: (points to large wave)
Shinji: Pfft, what's a wave gonna do to history? (Wave crashes over him and stuff written in the sand. "History" washes away.) Crap.
Asuka: ...And there's the flaw.
Shinji: Yeah...well...well...I have bigger boobs than you! (runs away crying)
Asuka: (dumbfounded)...Don't say anything, Asuka. Just don't.
Shinji: (runs along and bumps into a large statue of Buddha) Oh. HEY! Its SANTA!
Buddha: Its Buddha.
Shinji: Okay, Santa! (sits on his lap)
Buddha: Please don't sit there.
Shinji: Aren't you gonna ask me what I want for Christmas?
Buddha: I'm not Santa Claus. I'm Gautama Buddha, and I teach the Eightfold Path to Enlightenment.
Shinji: The Hateful Pants to a light refreshment?
Buddha: ...You are beyond help, young one.
Shinji: Ask me what I want for Christmas, Santa!
Buddha: I refuse!
Shinji: I'll cry if you don't!
Buddha: No!
Shinji: (cries) Wahhhhh, mommmmmmyyyyyyy! Santa's touching me in strange places!
Buddha: OKAY OKAY!
Shinji: Better. Now say it.
Buddha: (sighs) What...do you want for...uh...
Shinji: SAY IT.
Buddha: Christ...Christmas.
Shinji: I wanna train aaaaaaannnnnnnnd a carrrrrrrrr annnnnnnnd a G.I. Joooooooe...
SEVERAL MINUTES LATER...
Shinji: ...aaaaaaaaaand lotsa moneyyyyyy annnnnnnnnnnd a baseball baaaaaaaaaat--
Buddha: Alright, that's it.
Shinji: (cries) WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Buddha: (pulls out bacon sandwich, laden with butter, and many other high cholesterol condiments) May the heaven's have mercy on me in my next life. (Eats sandwich. Buddha dies of a heart attack)
Shinji: Mommy...Santa's not moving anymore...
Asuka: You have nothing better to do with your time than kill religious figures?
Shinji: I didn't kill Santa! Did...did I?
Asuka: Let's keep walking.
Shinji: That's all we do. Walk. Walk walk walk. What are we supposed to be doing, really? Where is everyone? Why can't I have it my way at Burger King anymore?
Asuka: I TOLD you, we're supposed to recreate civilization.
Shinji: And what do we do to accomplish this?
Asuka: Well...y'know...we have to...erm...
Shinji: Yes?
Asuka: Sleep...together...*cough cough* Yeah.
Shinji: Oh, that's EASY! Why didn't you say so before? Let's do it right here!
Asuka: Do it...right...here?
Shinji: Yeah! I like the sand under me anyway!
Asuka: Sand...under...you? You're actually listening to me?
Shinji: Huh? What did you say?
Asuka: (thinks, and sighs) Okay, let's do this.
Shinji: Okay! (Shinji lays down, and starts snoring)
Asuka: ...What are you doing?
Shinji: You SAID sleep together, so start sleepin'!
Asuka: ...You are REALLY dense. (begins walking off)
Shinji: Hey, you don't know that! You don't even know my mass OR my volume, so you couldn't know! HAH! I showed you! ...Hey, wait up! (runs after her)
Asuka: There are giant talking chickens around...heck...maybe someone can make you smart around here...(sees sign that says "Houze of SmART Pooples" and an arrow pointing to a small shack) It'll have to do.
(Asuka and Shinji enter the shack. The Writer, a couple of his friends, and George W. Bush are sitting around a table talking. The Writer is doing The Robot for some odd reason, and his friends are all gobbling like turkeys. George W. Bush is rewriting the Constitution of America using a purple crayon. On the back, it has a badly drawn picture of a house, and several stick figure people. An arrow is pointing to the house that says "Mi HOUZE".)
Dubuya: Do ya like it? I like it. There's Dicky boy there, see? (He points to the stick figure that looks like its having a heart attack)
Asuka: (slowly begins to back out of the house. Whispers to Shinji) Run, while you still can.
Shinji: But I wanna draw too--
Asuka: RUN! (They run, and the house behind them blows up)
Shinji: Aw, poor guys. I liked that picture guy. He was stupid. You're still sure this isn't an acid tri--
Asuka: YES!
(Quickly cuts to water droplets, then cuts back)
Asuka: What the hell?
(Cuts to water droplets)
Shinji: This is strange.
(Water droplets)
Asuka: Hey, check out that old man over there.
(They walk over to an old Japanese man with bloodshot eyes. He has a water dropper in his hand, and is standing over a kiddie pool. He is dropping little droplets into the water.)
Shinji: Hello guy!
Japanese Guy: WATER!! (squints eyes, and drops a little droplet into the water.)
Asuka: So THIS is where that water droplet shot comes from?
Shinji: Apparently so! (Eyes kiddie pool) Must...jump...in...
Japanese Guy: NO!! WATER MINE!!
Shinji: Aw, don't be such a water hog.
Japanese Guy: (begins screaming wildly in Japanese)
Shinji: What, I can jump right in? Really? You won't stop me? COOL!
Asuka: Shinji, I don't think he's saying--(Shinji jumps into the kiddie pool)--that.
Japanese Guy: AHHHHHH-YAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! (Shinji jumps out of pool, Japanese guy's head explodes)
Asuka: Holy...
Shinji: Well...that was...fun...
Asuka: THIS is your definition of fun?
Shinji: So, what's YOUR definition? Is it one not legal in 51 states? Don't lie to me, I've seen your hentai stash!
Asuka: That's YOUR hentai stash.
Shinji: (about to say something, then shuts up) Touche.
Asuka: Gimme a bikini and a massuse and I'm good.
Shinji: WELL, that suit is skimpy enough, and people tell me I'm mighty good at shiatsu.
Asuka: Who says that?
Shinji: Rei told me!
Asuka: HAH! That robot!
Giant Rei Head: Who you calling a robot?!
Asuka: AHH! (turns around to see the giant bleeding Rei head on the water/cranberry juice/whatever)
Shinji: So you've been making all this cranberry juice, Rei? It needs a little work, I must say...
Giant Rei Head: What the hell are you two doing? You're supposed to be in the middle of sweet sweet love making!
Asuka: ME? With this idiot?
Shinji: What's Louvre making? Are we gonna build that famous museum in France? Rei, tell Asuka that I do good Shiatsu!
Giant Rei Head: He DOES do good shiatsu.
Asuka: How do YOU know?
Giant Rei Head: Well, we DID lay on each other butt naked a couple of times, so you don't think NOTHING happened.
Asuka: Naked?!
Shinji: (sings) Asukaaaaaaaa's jeallllllous! Asukaaaaaaaaaa's---(gets brick to the face) I hate you, brick.
Giant Rei Head: Look, go to the north if you really can't stand him being stupid. You'll find something there, I dunno what. The Writer told me to lead you guys there.
Asuka: Oh, you poor thing. You're nothing but a plot device.
Giant Rei Head: Yeahhhhh. Oh well, I'm cool with it.
Asuka: Well, I'll do that then.
Giant Rei Head: You two better have beautiful babies, or else!
Shinji: Rei, you're talking the crazy talk. I wish I could talk the crazy talk, and walk the crazy walk. I also wish I had bountiful boobies. I'm so flat chested. How come Asuka gets the big--
Asuka: Why are you always going on about that?! (Sighs) Let's go, you. (drags him off)
Shinji: (to Rei head) I'll always love you, albino clone of mommy!
(So off they went towards the north. Brr, north. I'll sleep on it again.)
Asuka: Are you SURE this is North?
Shinji: Of course I'm sure! Its not like I just pointed my finger in some random direction and started walking...(thinks)...Oh...wait a sec...
Asuka: (face palms) We're SO going to die. I don't know why I let you lead anyway.
Shinji: HEY LOOK! ITS DADDY!
Asuka: Yes, yes, Shinji. There's your mommy too...
Shinji: No, seriously Asuka. Its DADDY! (points to Gendo, who is in black coat and sitting in his usual "elbows-on-desk-so-you-can't-see-his-mouth" fashion.)
Asuka: What the devil?
Shinji: Daddy! Hi! (Gendo does nothing.) Dad?
Asuka: Commander Ikari, what blazes are you doing here? How the heck are you even ALIVE? (Gendo still does not respond)
Shinji: (Gets on top of Gendo) Wee! Piggy back ride, daddy!
Asuka: Something is...not right...(Asuka prods Gendo, who still does not show any expression, or move at all)
Shinji: Asuka, you shouldn't touch daddy THERE...that's for mommy only.
Asuka: SHUT UP! I'm not! (Pushes Gendo, who falls to the ground with a metallic clang)
Shinji: (Was still on Gendo when Asuka pushed him) Ow. Could you have waited til' daddy finished the piggy back ride?
Asuka: Shinji, this is not your dad. This is a Gendo body double robot...thing. Look, there's a microphone. (points to mic that is sticking out from Gendo Bots back)
Shinji: Oh...so THAT'S how he was able to remain motionless for long periods of time!
Asuka: It all makes SENSE now!
(The Writer pops in, gives the thumbs up sign, and holds out a cue card that says "Dear Studio That Produced Evangelion, I have now created a new reason why you showed the same panel for long stretches of time. This is to prevent people from complaining about the budget cuts that affected your anime greatly, as they will all see it was all part of your master plan. Let us not forget the 15 minute long Kaoru-death sequence. I believe a 5,000 dollar payoff will be sufficient. I take cash only, and I prefer consecutively numbered bills. Please send to the addressed stated in my blackmail...I mean...request letter. Thanks, The Writer.)
(Asuka and Shinji look at each other)
Asuka: That was a low blow.
Shinji: Indeed. (Shinji looks back and forth, then prys of Gendo bots head off and puts it on, starts talking all ghostly like) Asukaaaaaaaaaa, loooooook! I'm Commander Ikariiiiiiiiiii, ooooooooooooooooooooh! I'm gonna sit in one pose for a long tiiiiiiiiiime and sleep with all my female co- workerrrrrrrrrssssssss!
Asuka: ...You have a messed up family.
Shinji: Look who's talking, schizo offspring.
Asuka: (whacks Shinji with rest of Gendo body)
Shinji: (flies backward and slams into another large monolith) Ow. Thank god for my Keitaro-esque invinciblity!
(The Writer shoots himself for using a reference to Love Hina.)
Jesus Poster #6: Hey man, I was sleeping.
Shinji: (looks up) Oh, hey Jesus! Sorry 'bout that. Soooo...
Jesus Poster #6: Don't pull no pun crap on me.
Shinji: Damn. Anyway, guess what? I killed Santa! Aren't you proud of me?
Jesus Poster #6: ...Hurry up and ask me what the meaning of life is so I can die.
Asuka: Oooohhh no. Not this time. (Covers Shinji's mouth) Okay, which way is north, and secondly, why are we going north?
Jesus Poster #6: Well, north is that way (motions), and you're probably going North to visit the Great Seer.
Asuka: Great Seer?
Jesus Poster #6: Yeah. You know those giant animals you've probably come across? That's his fault.
Asuka: Ah.
Jesus Poster #6: Beware, there are dangers ahead! You must travel through the treacherous Canyon of l337, and then get past the gauntlet of Vibrating Beds!
Asuka: You've gotta be freakin' kidding me.
Jesus Poster #6: Sorry, that's what it says in the script right here.
(The Writer installs more locks on his door, loads shotgun)
Shinji: (mouth still being covered) Whaf isht da meeenink oof loife?
Jesus Poster #6: The meaning of life is--(Jesus Poster #6 is viciously ravaged by Satan)
Satan: Ha! Who's the bitch now?!
Shinji: HEY! You owe me something!
Satan: Do not!
Shinji: Yes you do! I sold you my soul, now you gotta pay up!
Satan: I don't remember buying anything like that.
Shinji: You lie!
Satan: Please! Do you think the Prince of Darkness and all that is Evil would do such a disreputable thing as LIE?
Shinji: Hmmm, you make a good point. Sorry man.
Satan: Its cool. I'll see you later then?
Shinji: Huh? Whaddya mean by that?!
Satan: Oh...um...nothing.
Asuka: Let's go, Shinji.
Shinji: (begins to walk always, giving Satan the evil eye and pointing) I'm watching you...
(They continue north. Shinji is singing "If I Only Had A Brain", and Asuka is making a noose out of her bandages. They finally come to the mouth of the Canyon of l337)
Asuka: Here it is.
Shinji: Its just a big canyon...a big Canyon of 1337.
Asuka: Y'know... I'm beginning to think you're right about this whole "acid trip" thing.
Shinji: Told you so.
What awaits our heros inside the dangerous Canyon of l337? Who is the mysterious Great Seer? Is this all just a weird acid trip? Will someone help Asuka? Will Shinji quit singing songs from "The Wizard of Oz"? Will The Writer commit ritual seppuku to redeem himself? Will Jesus appear in a form besides poster? Will Buddha win the Sumo Wrestling Championship? Will George "Dubuya" Bush ever finish defacing the Constitution, and our country for that matter? When will the increasing randomness end?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME!