Everything goes Nutso, Ratchet and Clank

By Soulfulzen

Holy monkeys! Science can't do jack-diddly!

Continuing the Everything goes Nutso series, Ratchet is a robot and Clank is a druggie lombax. Angela has found out everything, and fainted. Our cross-species heroes are now trying to get across the universe to save her. Actually, they've already arrived. PG-13 for drug references, random insanity, slowly-worsening language, inneudo, and offensiveness.

Disclaimer: Only the plotline and Planet Zymog are mine. Ratchet and all subsidiaries belong to Insomniac studioes. The pitas mentioned in the warning belong to the evil spirits who dwell in my bedroom and attic. Believe me, you do NOT want to know how I learned about those pitas.

Warning: If you do anything that Clank does in this fic, you will be seriously messed up! Don't do it! If you do, your ass will curl up and crap out legged pitas filled with bleu cheese! Seriously, though, don't repeat what Clank does or says.

LOCATION: PLANET GRELBIN, TUNDOR WASTES

After landing, Ratchet and Clank ran inside Angela's house. Clank rushed off to Angela's bedroom to see if she had a stash that he could raid, along with maybe some warm clothes for his trouser-wearing, drug addicted ass, and Ratchet ran around to find Angela. He found her passed out in front of her videophone. About that time, Clank found a trapdoor under the fuck-ugly pink and orange rug. He walked down the stairs and turned on the light. What he saw was any druggie's dream: lots and lots of pot. He got right down to work desposing of it. After he closed the trapdoor and re-covered it.

Upstairs, Robo-Ratchet was getting desparate trying to wake Angela up. He was going to the kitchen to get more water, when he finally slipped on a banana peel and crashed into the floor. Angela woke up and cracked up. She than began telling Ratchet her idea. "So Ratchet, if we take you to Megacorp, maybe someone in the science department can help you!". Ratchet then said "Uh, what were we talking about?" She then told him "Oh. Sorry. I was just saying that if we took you to Megacorp, someone might be able to turn you and Clank back to normal!" Ratchet then said "Oh, sweet! Let's get Clank and, after I make absolutely sure that you're medically 100 okay, go!" She simply said "Okay! But maybe you should focus on the medical thing first."

ILEAVETHENAUGHTYBADSCENETHATTAKESPLACEWHERETHISDIVIDERISTOALLOFYOURNASTYDIRTYWRONGIMAGINATIONSSICKTWISTEDREADERMONKEYS

Ratchet and Angela were searching for Clank. Ratchet, oddly, was wearing a red silk bathrobe with an "R" monogrammed on the pocket and smoking a pipe. Eventually, they got back to the bedroom, where Angela said "You know, this rug's been here the whole time I've lived here, and I've never looked under it." She lifted it up, and, lo and behold, it's a trap door! They went down into the lighted room after the acrid fog that came out of it cleared and found Clank sprawled out on the floor, semi comatose and twitching. His eyes were very red and dialated, and he was twitching and laughing like mad. Did I mention that he was twitching like a hamster in a generator? They picked him up and went to Ratchet's ship, and took off.

LOCATION: SPACE, EN ROUTE TO YEEDIL

In the ship, Ratchet put in a CD marked "Metal, like me!". Out of his huge, powerful speakers started blasting Marilyn Manson's mOBSCENE.

Author's note: All music on this CD I recommend wholeheartedly. It's good. Really good. Not to mention listed at the end of this fanfic.

Angela just stared at Ratchet, until he said "Ever since I became fully metal, I've had a taste for heavy metal music, like this. This is just my favorite CD." She said "Ah." and put in earplugs. Clank just lied in the backseat and twitched.

LOCATION: PLANET YEEDIL, FIZZWIDGET'S OFFICE

After getting through the intro to Omerta, they landed. After a brief incident at security involving Clank's state of heavy intoxication, they got to Fizzwidget's office. He sent them to the science and experimentation labs on planet Zymog.

LOCATION: PLANET ZYMOG, SCIENCE OFFICES

When the trio arrived, they were escorted to the test labs. Angela was then led to a guest room by the test workers, who simply said "Your friends will join you sometime during the night. You will all be staying in our guest rooms until we have cured them." So, as neither she nor her friends got a word in edgewise over the workers hurried pace, she slept. After all, the high pace had tired her out. That night, she heard a knock, and when she opened the door, Ratchet and Clank were dumped on her floor. Clank slept next door while Ratchet and Angela made sure that they were both 100 medically fine. In his memoirs, Clank wrote "While I was heavily stoned at the time, I still had a very difficult time sleeping or forgetting why. My "neighbors" were making such loud noises, nobody could have slept:"

Author's note: Yes, I am a nasty little monkey.

About a week later, the workers came back with a result. It was that they could not do anything for Ratchet or Clank. They then promptly picked everyone up and threw them into Ratchet's ship. They programmed a course for Ratchet's home and started the CD. After they took off, one of the workers said "Well, who wants their sheets?" Everyone there said "I do!"

LOCATION: MEGAPOLIS OUTSKIRTS, RATCHET'S HOUSE

About a day later, our heroes landed on Ratchet's driveway. When they got out, Ratchet looked around and when he saw how neatly the ship was parked, he gave a long whistle. "Wow," he said, "Even on a perfect day, I could never get this ship parked this perfectly on this driveway on the first try." Angela asked "How many would it take you?" "At least two, more depending on what was going on." he answered. They all went in. When Clank asked for fifty dollars to go "fill up the tanks on the ship", the lombax lovers tied him up and dragged him to rehab. On the way back to Ratchet's house, Ratchet offered to let Angela spend the night, as it was already after dark. She took him up on his offer, and then asked if she could stick around for a while, to make sure that Ratchet and Clank got well adjusted to their new species. Ratchet said "Thanks. It's going to be tough adjusting to normal life as a robot. And Clank's got problems already." They both smiled. When they sat down to check the news a few moments later, Angela gave Ratchet a quick peck on the cheek. However, as it had been very cold out that night, her lips stuck. After a brief medical crisis, the two settled down for a long sleep.

Well, how'd ya like it? Read and review, no flames por favor. It's shorter that I wanted it to be, but it seemed that the sleep was a good end for the chapter. And yes, I know, it's kinda lusty and naughty, but hey, what do you want? At least it's somewhat discreet-ish. Most of my fanfiction will be a bit more harsh from now on. Also, if you think that this fic should be upped to "R", please say so. I really don't think so, but hey, that's just me.

Following is a list of all of the music on Ratchet's CD. If you like death metal, download or buy all of these immediately. They're good. Really good. Oh yeah, by "buy" I mean get the CD with them on it. If a song has a next to it, it has explicit lyrics. If it has a , then it might have explicit lyrics, I'm not sure, but I couldn't hear any. But so what? I really don't care, but I'm just being safe, so I don't get sued by angry parents.

Marilyn Manson: mOBSCENE

Slipknot: Everything ends

Lamb of God: Now you've got something to die for

Hatebreed: Facing what consumes you

Marilyn Manson: Tourniquet

Slipknot: My plague

Lamb of God: Ashes of the wake

Rammstein: Du hast

Marilyn Manson: Long hard road out of hell

Slipknot: Peopleshit

Lamb of God: Omerta

Disturbed: Down with the sickness

Slipknot: The shape

Lamb of God: Remorse is for the dead

Slipknot: Duality

But finally, poll time! Who thinks that I should kill off Angela in this story? C'mon, tell me!

Now for poll #2! Who thinks that I should have the crew go to Naboo (Property of George Lucas) and kill Jar-Jar Binks (Also property of George Lucas)?