Everything goes Nutso, Ratchet and Clank
By Soulfulzen
Road trippin'!
Continuing the Everything goes Nutso series, it's been a week since the last chapter and everyone's bored. Clank is out of drug rehab, so they all take a tour of the galaxy. T for death metal, random insanity, violence, language and offensiveness. And I don't care what you say, I am going to kill Jar-Jar. Before the story, let me re-acquaint you with the fact that PG-13 movies (and T fics) are allowed to say the f-word once. And in this chapter, Ratchet will. Thanks again, almighty beta-reader-god INCREASE BLUE.
Disclaimer: Only the plotline is mine. Ratchet and all subsidiaries belong to Insomniac studioes. The pitas belong to the evil spirits who dwell in my bedroom. Believe me, you do NOT want to know how I learned about those pitas. Planet Naboo and Jar-Jar Binks all belong to Lucasfilms Ltd. The Zeddites and all that shit belong to Simon & Schuster and Viacom. Cannibal Corpse and Cradle of Filth belong to themselves (respectively, not collectively). Can you find the line from the internet cartoon "Star Wars Jedi Training" (Property of Metal Maverick)? Hint: It's said by Jar-Jar's ashes.
LOCATION: MEGAPOLIS OUTSKIRTS, RATCHET'S HOUSE
It was the day that Clank was supposed to return from rehab. Everything was ready for their big celebratory road trip. Ratchet and Angela were making out in the front seats as Clank dropped into the back seat, a little disoriented after his sudden drop After a bit of awkwardness and the unsure greetings after a long separation, they took off. Clank, feeling that he should try to be sociable and at least show that he still had some communication skills left, said "Well where are we going?" Ratchet told him "Planet Naboo. There's this big concert there, and we're going." Clank had never heard of it. But to show that he was interested, he then asked "Who's playing?" Ratchet simply answered "It's Cannibal Corpse and Cradle of Filth." Clank was confused. "But I thought Angela didn't like heavy metal." Angela replied with excitement, "Well Ratchet's arranged for me to spend the day at a really top-notch spa." It was then that they arrived at the 2-parsec-long line of ships waiting to dock for the concert.
LOCATION: NABOO ORBIT, TEMPORARY PARKING GARAGE
It seemed that the concert was going to be quite popular, as it took over four hours to get to the parking garage. And can you guess who the parking aide was? Yupper-doodles! It was Jar-Jar Binks! Our heroes drove up and he exclaimed with over-dramatic cheerfulness, "Meesa called Jar-Jar Binks! Yousa be parkin' in section C-76 now, okey day?" Ratchet's eye was already twitching in annoyance from his squeaky, headache-inducing voice and incredibly irritating grammar. Clank was asleep in back, and Angela was barely keeping control in the face of everybody's "favorite" Gungan.
"God, I just met it and I ALREADY hate it. Can I kill it?" said Ratchet only just managing to not lash out and throttle the infuriating creature right there and then.
Replied Angela, twitching in sadistic glee: "The bigger the gun, the better the kill."
"Uh oh!" shrilled the irritating freak as Ratchet pulled out the Zodiac and without hesitation slaughtered Jar-Jar in a very painful way. The pile of ashes where he once stood whined "Augh! Meesa spine!" in the same irritating squeak, as the infamous bleu-cheese stuffed pitas devoured it. Satisfied with their achievement, they parked and walked to the tram down to the planet. Angela got on the transport that worked as a bus and had a stop at the lake country spa (Yes, that place where Anakin and Padme got married! It got turned into a spa!) as the two guys boarded the transport to the concert.
LOCATION: PLANET NABOO CONCERT GROUNDS, AFTER THE CONCERT
The concert was over, and Ratchet was carrying an unconscious Clank on his shoulder. He had lasted through Cradle of Filth, but had fainted in disgust about 30 seconds into the Cannibal Corpse set. Even Ratchet was more than a touch nauseous during their set. They had started with "NecroPedophilia", which doesn't do justice to how putrid their set was. When Clank revived about halfway back to the ship, he promptly barfed all over the seat and said to Ratchet, "How the hell do you listen to that nauseating music?"
"Honestly, I'd only ever heard of Cannibal Corpse, and now that I've heard them, I think that they're just too wrong for even my tastes." replied a still-queasy Ratchet (and believe you-me, it's tough to nauseate a machine, even if he was a living thing originally), "Although the Cradle of Filth set was awesome."
"It was... much more tolerable." replied the chibi lombax guardedly. The transport then arrived. The two species-swapped comrades walked to the ship and sat. Soon, Angela made her appearance. She was now wearing a beautiful teal dress that looked like it was made of velvet. Her hair was freshly permed and she looked ready to go to a fancy ball, an aura of exquisiteness hovering about her almost visibly. She walked up as the duo's jaws unhinged and succumbed to the unrelenting force of gravity.
"What?" she asked innocently, knowing that she looked like a goddess and could get nearly anything from the boys. They rehinged their jaws.
Ratchet then managed to stutter, "Wow. You look... uh, stunning! But no time to talk now. We've got to get going. We've got to get past Ahhb'-Zedd before night falls on their capital. Those guys'll shoot us down if we pass within a hundred thousand miles of their planet. And at night? They'll shoot you down if you come within three parsecs! AND they're right between Naboo and the next refuelling station."
"Well, why don't we just go the long way around there? Or to another refuelling station?" asked Angela.
"According to the calculations I did on the ship's computer," offered Clank, "It's the closest one to us. And we'll have to run on inertia part of the way to that one as it is."
"Next time," said Angela, "Don't tell me how risky something is if we have to do it." They hopped in the ship and took off
LOCATION: EN ROUTE TO FUELLING STATION.
It was finally time to pass by Ahhb'-Zedd. Time was short. There was only four minutes left in the day in the capitol city. They were on the borderline of the daytime safe zone to make their journey quicker. Ratchet sped the ship up enough to pass in time, his heart pounding with the knowledge of what would happen if he didn't make it in time. Suddenly, everyone heard a sickening crunch from the fuselage and an alarm went off somewhere. The emergency slowdown parachute had been ripped out of the hatch by the activation of the emergency fuel stores!
"Oh shit!" shouted our dear robo-lombax. He pressed the "release parachute" switch. Nothing.
"Do something! Detatch the parachute!" shouted Angela.
"Whaddaya think I'm trying to do!" yelled back Ratchet in a hysterical tone. He kept smashing buttons frantically until the parachute finally detached. Then he noticed the button that detached the chute and saw that the label said "Jettison emergency fuel tanks". Then, they heard something slice through their ship's back end, barely leaving the cockpit intact. The ship shook violently and they were thrown about mercilessly, Angela hitting her head against the wall hard amidst the red flashing lights and loud beeping that had already begun inside the cockpit. To make things even worse they began being sucked in by a tractor beam to the night-graced capitol of Ahhb'-Zedd. As the ship began to nosedive, Ratchet uttered the one appropriate phrase for the moment. "Oh fucking shit."
End of chapter 5.
Hope you all liked it. Chapter 6 (the final chapter) will be up in a few months. If you can't wait? TOO FRICKIN' BAD, BIZZNATCHES! BLAST SOME AMON AMARTH AND BEHEMOTH AND SHIT! Here's to randomly slaughtering irritating celebs! (read: Paris Hilton and Pauly Shore) All I ask of you readers is that, if you smoke weed, think of this story as you puff that herb. Why? 'Cuz I said so! And also, for everyone else, read and review. No flames.