Title: Dread
Author: Mitch
Series: Part 2 of ?
Rating: R (for future chapters)
Pairing: Clark/Lex
Category: Angst
In the air now. Headed to that vile, secret place. A stain on the face of the earth that I wish I could wipe away. A large portion of my conscience that will remain forever in unforgiving shadow.
The flight attendant offers beer. I take water. Best to have my mind clear for the first visit. Best to fully receive the pain that will be given me for the pain that I have given him. But to touch his face, to feel his burning skin, to know that his heart beats so very near to my own. It is worth all that I have suffered, that we have suffered.
Restless, I pick up my book. Distract myself from these evil thoughts until I have to face them. I wish to fill my mind with images of dragons and castles and happy endings to remember what is important. Yes, I burned the village with the fire of my breath. Yes, I seized the precious, holy gem, without which there is no hope of salvation. And what of it? Dragons can have happy endings too.
But these justifications only temporarily satisfy. Happy endings suggest an initial purpose, that sacrifices were made for the sake of a greater good. The only purpose here is my own selfish need.
I put down the book and gaze out the window. Above is a bright sun and blue sky and below is nothing but clouds. To think that all I see is light while those on the ground see dismal shades of gray, maybe even rain. Something on the clouds ahead... a rainbow. But not a rainbow exactly, more like a rain-ring. A perfect circle of color. There is no pot of gold because there is no ending, or beginning for that matter. It's a cruel game being played on us, to make us search for the end when there isn't one. Are we destined to walk the same path again and again, never reaching our goal? Or maybe that's the point. Having what we want is not what carries us through this life, but the process of wanting it, the anticipation of getting it.
True, I believe that I've found my soulmate, my everlasting companion for this eternal circular journey and for that I'm grateful. But a part of me knows that finding him ends the enticing uncertainty. The night is never more terrifying and strangely beautiful than right before the dawn, and I'll miss it.
The new day, however, has brought with it a new darkness and as the plane descends, I must decide just how I'm going to deal with it.