Kaori: Told ya it was coming soon.

Samara: What was?

Kaori: The next chapter of this beautiful story o' course!

Samara: Oh yeah!

Disclaimers: WE DON'T OWN: All Things Wise and Wonderful (we call it all things Wide and Wonderful), Harry Potter, Captian Zoom, Mafia, Disney (still), Cedar Point, The Wizard of Oz, or Oompa Loompas. And still Tokyo Mew Mew, and everything else we said in previous chapters. WE DO, however, own Cousin Franky!

Chapter Five: And you thought it was over

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AT ICHIGOS PLACE

After the whole spa incident, Ichigo called Zakuro to come over. Everyone else was busy.

2 minutes later Zakuro arrived with her super mega size blackmail file.

"Sweeeeet." Ichigo drooled.

When they were inside, Ichigo popped out the Mt. Dew and sugar cubes, and then they got to work on their plan to expose the truth that they had fatefully uncovered: Ryou was gay.

NEXT DAY

"Oh Ryou..." Ichigo called.

"What do you want?"

"A million bucks. Give it to me!"

"Ha! No way!"

"Maybe you'll see it my way if I say I'll show all the mews and aliens THESE (she pulled out a file) pictures if you don't meet all of my demands..."

Ryou whipped it out of her hand.

"Lemmie see those..." Pictures of him in the tub, bed, and- for some odd reason- riding a stallion butt naked.

Thank you photo editor! She thought to herself happily, even though most pictures were true.

"Heh, whoops looks like I lit this here photo album of yours on fire...accidentally," Ryou laughed evilly. Ichigo did a heroic dive for the pictures. The two fought, clawing and biting, till they were both gasping for breath on the floor. Zakuro walked in.

"Hey I just got back from making 250 million copies of our black mail- woah!"

"Zakuro...a little help?"

Ryou then notices the pile of black mail albums and pulled out a lighter and a gallon of gasoline and leaped at them.

"Noooooo!" Zakuro and Ichigo screamed in slow motion.

Zakuro quickly tackled him while Ichigo grabbed the gas and match and fed them to Lettuce, who was in the room absent-mindedly working on a childrens jigsaw puzzle.

Ryou broke down crying. "Is it really a crime to be gay?" he sobbed.

"No, but we can use it to our advantage!" said Zakuro with an evil grin.

"But Zakuro..." said Ichigo, feeling guilty. "We made him cry..."

"Oh SUCK IT UP!" yelled Zakuro. She sighed. "I'm gonna need another partner...who only likes one person who's not Ryou...someone good at breaking in places..."

Pudding did a flip in the door.

"PUDDING! Grab the blackmail stuff on the ground. Let's to my house, we've got planning to do-"

"But Tar Tar-"

"Bring him too...yes...perfect...MUHAHAHA!" Zakruo let out an evil laughed and Pudding tried to join her.

"Uh, hello, I'm right here...I heard what you said..." pointed out Ryou.

"Uh, BYE!" they left.

THAT NIGHT AT ZAKUROS

"Okay well first we gotta work on your evil laugh," Zakuro suggested. Pudding rolled her eyes but agreed.

Tart, who had arrived like some sort of an open-window maniac did his high-pitched just-plain-weird version of an evil laugh.

"Take that!" he said triumphantly. Pudding tried, to no avail.

"Just don't do any of your 'evil laughs' on a mission of we'll be sent to an insane asylum," Zakuro said, giving up.

"Okay anyway, we need to sneak into the cafe and get some more shots of Ryou doing gay/idiotic things." Zakuro flipped through her black mail folder. "I need more footage."

Tart was sharpening a knife. Pudding grinned. "I can hang from weird places!" she said, hanging from a random flag pole.

"Sweet. Now let's go."

"NOT SHARP ENOUGH!" yelled Tart. Zakuro growled, and went to read 'All things wide and wonderful' in the corner.

Tart finished obsessively sharpening his knife TWO FREAKIN HOURS LATER. His knife was so sharp it could decapitate a cow lickity-split.

"Oh Tar Tar I just love the way you obsess over how sharp your knife is," said Pudding. "Comon Zakuro let's get the goods!"

"BUT I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO CEDRIC!" Zakuro whined.

Pudding rolled her eyes. "Everyone knows he dies in the fourth Harry Potter book."

"But I'm not-"

"And it's settled! We leave at once!" Pudding cheered.

Tart and Zakuro looked at each other. Righhhhhttt they both seemed to think.

"Come now whipper snappers, times a wastin'!" Pudding jumped in front of them like a cheerleader.

The whole way Tart kept petting the side of his very sharp knife, muttering words to it.

Then they arrived.

"Okay, we need to open the doo-"

Before Zakuro could finish, Tart ran ahead and sliced the door into 3rds.

"That works too!" said Pudding, hugging Tart.

"PDA!" Mrs. Principal lady popped out and pointed at them, almost dropping her coffee in anger. Then 3's eyes were so wide it was un natural.

"Wow that's gay, we can't even hug," said Tart.

"NO HUGGING!" Mrs. Principal Lady screamed. Pudding and Tart kissed. "How about that?"

"Uh...er..." Mrs. Principal Lady flipped through a school rules book. "I guess that's...okay...DAMN!" she teleported back to the school to force more ridiculous rules on them.

"Wow that was weird," Zakuro stared blankly.

Ryou charged at them "HEY PIZZA NEEDS MORE SAUCE!" he uh...hollered?

"AH!" everyone screamed. Tart thought this was a good time to put his knife to use so he sliced off Ryous...tail.

"YOU FLIPPIN IDIOT YOU MISSED HIS HEAD!" Kaori, Ryous arch enemy screamed.

"Oh let me try again," Tart sliced off half of his head, and his blonde hair fell to the floor. Kaori was suffocating from laughter, Zakuro was taking pictures for her file, Tart was smiling with triumph, and Pudding was gagging at the sight of a blood spurting half-headed body, but then noticed he had a wallet in his pocket and happily grabbed it, counting her loot.

Keiichiro ran out in a bath towel. "Ryou!"

"Hide the body!" Zakuro yelled. "Oh I pretty much just gave it away by saying that..."

There was an akward silence.

"What are you talking about?" the real Ryou emerged from the shadows.

"DAMN!" Kaori yelled and stomped out.

"Ohh I wanna emerge from the shadows too!" said Lettuce, emerging from the shadows with hearts in her eyes. Mint burst though the roof in a Kim Possible outfit, inhaliated Lettuce and shot back up into the sky only to be gruesomely devoured by seagulls.

"Well...wegotoutblackmailletsgo!" they ran out.

The fake Ryou/stallion/cheetah/i don't even know, was spazzing out on the ground making the noise of a rabbit in a blender.

"What is that?" Ryou said pointing at the half-headed beast, who was now having a serious seizure and foaming at the mouth.

"It's your cousin Franky!" cheered Keiichiro, "He came for a visit."

"Uh, I don't remember him being a bloody pile of crap- wait, I DON'T HAVE A COUSIN FRANKY!" Ryou screamed as loud as humanly possible, and people on the other side of the solar system woke up because of his off-hey screech.

'Cousin Franky' got up, frustrated from Ryous un necessary scream, neighed, and flew off through the hole in the roof that Mint made earlier.

Ryou stared at the bloody foaming mess on the floor. "Where are those stupid Oompa Loompas?" he asked, frustrated that they were late. Suddenly, 'Ding Dong The Witch is Dead' started to play and happy munchkins cam in and started cleaning. One of the midgets looked up at him and said "Sorry sir, The Oompas just paged us and asked us to fill in for them because they're busy in a gang stand off." The munchkins squeaky voice echoed in the rafters.

"Munchkins..." Ryou mumbled. "Actually, we're Leprechauns!" Irish bag pipe music began to play and they did a jig.

"NOOOOOOO!" Keiichiro screamed and crashed through the window. Ryou collapsed on the floor in laughter, but then giggles turned into snores...

...but the munchkins kept dancing and jigging. Ryou gasped in horror when he couldn't sleep anymore at the sight of leprechauns STILL jigging. Finally, on day 5, he called the national guard to come exterminate the jigging beasts.

So they had to move to Disney World because the battle between Leprechaun and National Guard didn't end for a while.

DISNEY WORLD

Everything was in flames and ridden with bullet holes. The ground trampled from tiny dancing feet. Bodies of every kind lettered the ground. A black mouse with freakishly big ears lay rotting in a ride cart. "Wow this place has gone to the Mafia."

Just then, 'Cousin Franky' flew across the sky, announcing "MZRATGIZNIT!" which meant "You suck kiddie rides!"

"AMEN TO THAT!" Cedar Point fans from all over the world cheered. This caused an anti-disney rally to form in Indiana. Many old men were disappointed when the invites said BYOB though.

So Ryou and Keiichiro returned to their cafe, which was a little beat up.

WITH ZAKURO, PUDDING, AND TART

"Oh sweet blackmail heaven!" Zakuro buried her face in photos of 'Cousin Franky', which she would tell everyone was really Ryou, though only the face and hair resembled him at all.

Tart was still obsessing over re-sharpening his knife, and Pudding was getting mad that he wasn't obsessing over her.

"Let's get some sugar!" she suggested, trying to get his attention.

"Busy, knife," was the response.

"Let's laugh at old people,"

"Sharpening."

"Let's go upstairs,"

"My precious..." he started. Pudding held her breath. "...knife." he finished.

Pudding slapped him. Zakuro laughed, recording the action.

"You think you're so cool with your one little knife!" Pudding said, "Well I got a sickle, and two knives!" she pulled them out. "And I sharpened them for a week straight!" the shining blades mesmerized Tart.

"Pretty..." Tart said, traced-like.

"Why do you have a sickle?" asked Zakuro.

"So I like to grow wheat, okay!" she responded offendedly. Quick as a whip Pudding hid her knives, sickle, and Tart's knife so that he fell into some sort of manic depression. He crawled up to her in knife-withdrawal.

"Hug me..." he moaned.

"Now that's more like it!" Pudding beamed.

Zakuro laughed at the sight of them. But then Tart accidentally knocked Pudding over from crawling all over her. She hugged him. "This is the lif- zzzzz" They both instantly fell asleep.

Zakuro whipped out a gallon of coffee and rolled over (on a rolly chair) to the computer. "Nothing like editting a few pictures and making another blackmail album at 4 in the morning!" she gulped her coffee, and went to work.

MORNING

Buster the kitten was sleeping on Zakuros lap. "You have a horrible name," she told it.

Tart mumbled in his sleep. "Well those aren't your Sunday clothes, blood on your nose, and cow shit in your ear."

"Hey! That's from 'All Things Wide and Wonderful!'" Zakuro pointed out.

"Still roundin up them sheep," Pudding mumbled back.

The former Buster (Zakuro had re named him Captain Zoom) jumped, claws out, on Pudding and Tart, as if he was saying "Wake up you dolts, there's work to do!"

"WAH!" they both woke up immediately and got bandages for the scratches. "Stupid cat..."

Just then, James Harriot came in "DON'T CALL HIM STUPID, MATE!"

"You're Australian?" asked Zakuro.

"Well no...I JUST WANTED TO BE COOL, OKAY!" he cried.

"Yeah maybe we better leave..." suggested Pudding. The others agreed and went to swipe jelly packets from IHOP.

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Kaori: I predict the next chapter will be up extremely soon...

Samara: Yeah, me too.

Kaori: DONT STEAL MY PREDICTIONS!

Samara: I wasn't, I was agreeing.

Kaori: Oh well...then...alright...