Chapter 2

The deserted subcar no one had visited since the late ninja master's funeral was suddenly filled with energy again. Energy of a brotherly confrontation one of the two would rather avoid altogether. The oldest brother kept his head lowered, escaping the red masked turtle's judgmental stare. The burning candles that surrounded the oldest caused his shadow to flicker on the wall in front of him, dancing in the silence.

Raphael still kept his gaze focused on Leo, trying to anticipate what he might do or say. Normally, Raph knew exactly how to push his brother's buttons, but this time his words didn't seem to have any affect on the leader. He remained on the floor, staring aimlessly down at his own lap, looking as if he was the loneliest person in the world. And perhaps he was. Because the events of the night led Raph to fear that he didn't know his brother anymore.

He was furious, with both Leo and himself. Because how could he have not known?

"What?" Raph questioned, crossing his arms on his plastron, looking down at the other turtle. "Yer not even gonna talk ta me?" He paused to give his sibling a chance to answer, but still none came. "C'mon, Leo, there's gotta be somethin' ya hafta say in yer defence. Cuz I'd sure like ta hear it."

Leonardo uncomfortably fiddled with his hands, as though he was contemplating on what to answer. But as the seconds passed, there still came no words from the blue masked ninja. He remained locked within himself.

"Well?" Raphael urged, titling his head to his left shoulder. "What's the matter? Ya don't have a good reason for tryin' ta kill yerself? Cuz I don't know if ya heard, but you only get one chance at suicide, so in yer case, I really hope it's worth it."

No answer.

The red clad turtle drew in a frustrated breath, shaking his head in disbelief. And as he looked back at Leo, ready to beat him up some more, he noticed something he rarely saw on his brother's face - a tear. A lonely teardrop, silently sliding down Leonardo's cheek, clinging onto his chin until letting go entirely and falling upon the green skin of his left upper hand, slowly travelling towards the edge of it.

But Leo remained in the same position, never moving a muscle, never speaking a word. He wasn't crying because he wanted sympathy. That one tear wasn't meant for anyone to see. And Raph could tell his big brother was doing everything in his power to keep the rest of them from falling. He was holding back.

"What?" Raph asked, his voice not as loud. "Now you cry? Think about how you'd leave us after you've sliced yer guts. What about yer family! You think it makes it okay juz cuz ya leave a note? You think that would help?" He cried, causing his brother to lower his head some more. "I'm tellin' ya Leo, the tears ya shed now won't look like much compared ta ones Mike'll be cryin'. And it's not like ye'll be aroun' ta comfort him. No, ya juz love 'em and leave 'em. Ain't that how it works?" He angrily stared at the turtle before him, feeling his temper boiling up within him. "Huh? I deserve a fuckin' answer, Leo! So ya better damn well give me one!"

"You weren't supposed to see this," Leo spoke, his voice worn down by the weight of the tears he was trying to control.

"What was that?" Raph questioned, not sure he had heard his brother right.

"I said," Leo started with a stronger voice, wiping off the trail of his tear as he looked up at his brother, his eyes filled with shame. "You weren't supposed to see this."

Raphael released a shocked breath. Barely believing the words as he heard them; the nerve to say something like that.

"It's not like I wanna put you through this, any of you," Leo added, boring his glossy eyes into his brother's angry glare. "Things were supposed to go easier." He held eye contact, waiting for Raph to respond. And after a moment of silence had passed, he did,

"Easia'?" Raphael repeated with a low voice. "For us?" he questioned, his eyes darkening. "Or for yerself?"

Leonardo's features didn't move, he simply swallowed once before opening his mouth to speak, "You have no right to judge me," he said, shocking his brother a second time with his answer.

"Don't fuckin' tell me I have no right!" Raph outburst, not being able to hold back the fury that flared up. "This affects me juz as much as it does you! Even more than you! Who d'ya think would hafta take care a' this? Who d'ya think would come home and find one of our own dead?" he yelled, for a moment picturing Leo's dead, bleeding body in front of him. The scene he would have walked in on, had he come home later than he did. It was only a matter of minutes. Minutes that made an enormous difference to him and his family.

"Don't you think I know all that!" Leo yelled, trying to overpower his brother's voice. "Don't you think I've thought about it? I've imagined every possible scenario! I've pictured all of them in my head! So don't come here and act like I don't know what I'm doing! Cuz you have no idea. You don't know anything!"

"And what? You think that makes it okay?" Raph questioned, taking a step closer to his seated brother. "It doesn't make a difference, Leo! Yer still screwin' us over!"

"Not intentionally!" Leo cried, his voice breaking at the strong volume he was using.

"Does it matter?" Raph argued, causing his older brother to once again fall silent.

Leo broke away from Raph's eyes, staring at the hands he kept in his lap, restlessly playing with his thumbs. "Tell me something, Raph," he then said, his voice back to just above a whisper. "Do you honestly believe I'd be doing this.. was there another way?"

Raphael eagerly opened his mouth to answer, realizing he didn't know what to say. It was one of the few times in his life that he was truly speechless. Instead he studied his brother where he sat, head lowered in shame; carrying a burden none of them had known about, or even suspected. Right in the safety of their own home.

"I don't want to die, you know," Leonardo whispered, glancing at the wakizashi in front of him.

"No one's forcin' ya," Raphael said, anger still mastering his voice.

"I am," the answer came. Leo looked up at his brother, his eyes filled with tears. His heart worn down with burdens.

"Why?" Raph asked, his tone of voice very demanding. "Wha'd'ya do?"

Leo broke away to look at the wall in front of him, deep in thought from his brother's question. After a few silent seconds had passed, he finally answered, "Actually... I'd rather not say."

"I'm not givin' ya a choice," Raphael said, his tone mirroring the firm look he had in his eyes, keeping them focused on Leo, trying to read his body language. His mind unconsciously tried to think of reasons why his brother would do this. But no matter how he tossed or turned on the situation, he always came up with the same guess. "Is it Splinter?"

Leo woefully closed his eyes, as if stung by the very sound of the name. In that instant Raph knew he had hit his head on the nail. Of course it was Splinter. Leo hadn't been the same since the death of their father. Yet, there was still something thing that didn't quite add up.

Leo was a strong person, much stronger than he gave himself credit for. And he had devoted himself to his responsibilities, always trying to do the right thing as a Leader. So then why would he take his own life, just for the sake of missing another?

Unless... Raph thought, his mind stepping into another direction. Unless he knows somethin' we don't.

With this thought in mind, Raph gave his brother a second look, observing him through new eyes. It suddenly became clear to him that his brother had been carrying something they had not. A burden he was set to wear on his own. He had been a wreck for months, and it was easy to assume it was because of their father's death. But looking at him now, through a different perspective, Raphael knew it was more to it than that.

"What about him?" Raph asked, cutting straight to the point. "Leo," he urged, his voice rising a little, just like some of his patience dissipated. "What about Splinter?"

The older brother kept his eyes on the wall, staring at a Japanese cloth that hung there. The fabric carried the image of a calm forest, something they had kept in the memory of their father.

"Remember the night he died?" Leo finally said, still staring at the cloth, speaking as though he was talking through a dream.

"Yeah.." Raph replied, furrowing his eye ridges in suspicion.

"It was our watch that night," Leo continued, recalling the incident in his mind's eye. "He woke up.. " he trailed off, his face twisting in pain at the memory. "After he got worse... he asked you to go and wake Don and Mikey, remember?"

"What about it?" Raphael pushed, wanting his brother to open up faster. He knew the story. He was there; living it. Going through it a second time would be pointless. He had asked Leo for answers, and he wanted them immediately.

Leo turned to look at his hands, nervously fiddling with them. "When you were gone..." his whispers trailed off and he folded his hands together, as if to get control of himself. After taking in another breath, he continued; this time a little louder, "He told me something when we were alone..."

"What?" Raph asked, barely breathing, his every sense focused on the warrior in front of him. "What, Leo?" he insisted. "Whad'he say?"

Leonardo turned his head around, baring his watery eyes to his brother.

The red masked turtle unconsciously crouched down, meeting his brother's hazel brown eyes on the same level. He didn't say anything, yet his eyes asked the leader to begin. To share that moment he spent with their dying father. A moment that took place in the very room they sat in, six months ago at a night just like this one. That one night that changed it all.

And so the story unveiled itself...