Chapter 11

Present time, February 12th; 2:38 a.m.

It was dark. Too dark. Several of the ceremonial candles that stood lit around the oldest turtle had burned out during his story, and the two brothers were left in silence with the three remaining candles, all of which did not have much longer to burn. Even so their flames flickered persistently, as if they were too stubborn to give into the fate of their blown out comrades.

The two turtles sat across from each other, a few feet apart on the floor. Leo still remained in the same cross-legged position, his head lowered in silence, while Raphael leaned his shell against the back wall of the subcar, his legs stretched out on the floor - one crossed over the other - as he looked over his left shoulder to be able to observe his older sibling. He gazed intently at the blue masked turtle, even as the story was finished and he was done talking. It was as if he was waiting for his brother to say something else - anything at all - to save him from the fierce sensation of hopelessness that blossomed in the pit of his stomach. Because he had been there, right beside his brother, on every step of the way on his path to self-destruction. And yet he had seen none of his pain, known nothing of the severe depth of his regret and self-hatred.

Perhaps he had been too caught up in his own pain? They were all locked up in their very own little prison of torture. They were all hurting. But for some reason the excuse brought no comfort to him. It didn't redeem him from himself.

The final words of his brother's story echoed in his head. There were still faint traces of the night when his big brother had wanted to take his own life, only to - at the very last moment - suddenly decide against it. And yet here they were, back in that same situation, Leonardo's selfish intentions no different from the ones he held on the rooftop all those weeks ago. And the reality of it left Raph with a sickening aftertaste, one that polluted his entire being with feelings of disgust and dread. Because he knew why his brother hadn't leaped to his death that night. He knew why he came back to them - and despite the sympathy he felt for Leo, for the things he'd gone through by himself - he still despised him for it.

"So ya decided ta commit seppuku," Raphael stated, to both himself and the one he accused. He rested his motionless gaze on his older brother, his eyes holding a distant bitterness only he could display.

Leo nodded in response, his head lowered in unspoken disgrace. "Yes," he confirmed, the short word barely reaching up to the trace of a whisper in the dully lit room. His entire stance displayed uneasiness; everything from his dodging eyes, to the nervous thumb that incessantly ran across the olive green skin on his upper left hand. Even the tone of his faltering voice oozed with a heavy odor of malaise, like it could break any second, "It's the honorable thing to do."

The mahogany brown eyes that were hidden behind the worn, red mask instantly widened in fury, as if those very words were the key to push his temper over the edge, "Bullshit, Leo! Bullshit!" The disappointment in his eyes was unmistakable, even underneath their dense curtain of hatred; a feeling that often masked anything that might hide beneath the surface. "That's juz an excuse fer you ta get out!"

Leonardo turned to look up at Raph, his gaze mirroring none of the anger that flared in his brother's stare. Instead, his eyes held a bottomless depth of remorse and constant suffering. "It's nothing like that!" he insisted, denying the accusations that were tossed his way, as though he was hurt by the mere thought of it.

"The hell it ain't!" Raph yelled, both of his hands curved into fists in his lap. "You juz think it'd be less chicken ta do it this way - 'in the name of honor'," he spat, mocking his brother's way of thinking. "Well, fuck you, Leo! It's still suicide, and yer still taking the easy way out." Once the words were out in the open, he continuously contracted his hands, his entire being seething with wrath that was foreign to even him. He felt as though he was about to boil over, his temper rising within him like hot, steaming lava inside the crowded walls of an erupting volcano.

"What about Donnie?" Leo interjected, bringing forth another issue to the table, one that flushed a wave of silence over his brother's tense features. Once he had his full attention, the blue clad ninja lowered his voice to conversational level, "It was my fault," he stated simply, unquestionably. "I should've done something. I-I should've acted. But I just, I... I didn't. I just stood there, watching.." his voice trailed off at the memory, and the tone of self-disgust was obvious. His brows twisted in disbelief as his mind helplessly went back to that night on the snow-covered rooftop, drawn in by the toppling weight of remorse he constantly carried.

Bent on keeping his brother present, Raphael angrily cut in, clipping the strings of the vivid memory that was haunting his brother, "That's still no excuse fer ye ta--"

"He almost died because of me, Raph!" Leonardo forcefully exclaimed, his eyes suddenly as clear as Mediterranean water as he bore them into his brother, taking him by surprise with his unanticipated forwardness. "Because of me!" he repeated, pointing to his heaving chest with his open palm.

A moment of stunned silence passed, until Raph finally found his voice again; this time noticeably calmer than before, "But he didn't."

Leo broke the contact, turning his face slightly to the right as he swallowed an exasperated sigh, "But he might as well have," he bitterly reminded his sibling, staring at nothing in particular as he spoke. "Him waking up.. that was nothing but luck. We would've never been able to save him if he hadn't been there to guide us through it."

The truth of his words sent Raphael back to that moment in time, when he had been forced to tie off his brother's bleeding vessels, stitch his sliced muscle back together and finally sew his skin shut. And that wasn't anything like sewing a ripped sweater. No, Leo and him had with physical force pushed the sterile needle through the thick skin, their wounded brother squirming beneath their inexperienced touch, while they awkwardly secured the stitch to start another. And throughout all of this, the only help they had to go on was the hazy voice of Donatello, who could barely keep his eyes open, much less speak fluently.

The wound had of course gotten infected later, but by then Don was at least alive to do most of the healing by himself. And the incredible relief that he in fact was alive; that was nothing but a good ol' miracle, as far as Raph was concerned. Because for a while there, things had been perilously dark, if not coal-black.

"Maybe," Raphael involuntarily admitted, his voice low as he spoke, as though the word never left the profundity of his throat. "But he did wake up, so juz drop it, a'right?" It was more than clear that he did not want to go there; it was one can of worms he preferred to keep closed, like so many other banished memories that had resurfaced with Leo's story.

"No, I won't drop it, Raph!" Leonardo refused, suddenly yelling at the top of his lungs. "Don't you get it?" he asked, a bit calmer as he bore his eyes into his brother, urgency evident in his stare. "He left me to lead you, not burden you. And now I've become a danger to us. The risk of me freezing up like that again is far more dangerous than any enemy or ours, and you know that, Raph. You know it. And.." finally he trailed off, as if taking a moment to gather his thoughts, a second to prepare his next sentence. "And so for the survival of the cla--"

"Fuck the clan!" Raph interrupted, his choice of words coming as much of a surprise to himself as they appeared to be to his stunned brother. Even so, it didn't strangle his voice the slightest, "What about yer family? Huh? What about us?" he demanded, shifting on the floor and pulling his legs closer to him as he unconsciously leaned over; his pupils piercing into the static pair of eyes across from him. "Think about yer brothers, dammit!"

"I am thinking of you," Leo insisted, him too leaning in closer.

"No yer not," Raphael argued, shaking his head in protest. "This is all 'bout you. You an-and yer fucked up conscience," he stammered, so angry he was even stumbling on the words as they came out. "Think about them, Leo! Whaddaya think this would do ta 'em? Ta Mikey?"

Leonardo humbly broke the stare, obviously struck by the mention of his baby brother's name. Naturally, it only drove Raph into pushing him harder.

"Think about it," he compelled, searching for his brother's dodging eyes. "First almost loosin' Donnie - and then you?" There was a short pause, in which Raph hoped his brother would come to his senses and meet his eyes. But the blue masked turtle remained in his frozen position, avoiding his stare in denial. "Dammit, Leo!" Raph angrily cried, sprinkles of saliva leaving his mouth in the outburst. "You killin' yerself ain't solvin' shit!"

Shaking his head in quiet despair, Leo calmly answered his brother, still facing the floor on his right, "You're not seeing the bigger picture," he mumbled, before raising his gaze to meet Raph's. "I know it would be hard for you at first, bu--"

"At first?" Raphael fiercely interrupted, outraged beyond any limits he'd ever crossed before.

"But in the long run," Leo persistently continued, refusing to let his brother disrupt him. "It's all for the better," he finished, his hazel brown eyes calm with an eerie determination.

"How's this for the betta'?" Raphael questioned, angrily gesturing with his left hand to the unsheathed wakizashi left on the floor, lying on the right side of Leonardo. He desperately locked his eyes with his brother's, reaching out to him with every thought he knew, "How's you killin' yerself gonna help anyone?"

There was a short moment of silence, where Leo swiftly turned away from the stare, as if contemplating his brother's words. But he was quick to turn his eyes back to him, his gaze just as calm as ever. "We'd be ruling out the chance of this ever happening again," he said simply, the shadows from the flames flickering across his placid features.

"Whaddaya mean 'this'?" Raph spat, his face twisting as he echoed his brother's word. "Nothin' happened, Leo. He didn't die. So would ya quit actin' like he did!" He felt he was running out of arguments, and feared he might have to punch his demented brother in the face if he would keep this act up.

Again, Leo slowly shook his head, his masked eyes holding a sense of sadness within them. "It was too close, Raph," he said quietly, woefully. "You know just as well as I do how close we came to loosing him."

Raphael angrily gritted his teeth, suppressed anger wildly flaring in his eyes. "I'm tellin' ya Leo," he growled. "Ya go there one more time..."

"And what if next time we can't save him?" Leo questioned, ignoring his brother's warning. "What if next time.. what if he won't wake up?" The possibility of the situation drifted off in the room, Leo's features still solemn. The thought appeared to be much too familiar to him.

Raphael angrily looked away, not wanting to hear any of the things his brother had to say.

"Things could go so wrong," Leonardo gravely continued and searched for his brother's dark eyes, a defeating silence filling the candle scented air inside their late father's room. "And with me around," he quietly added, "it's only a matter of time before they do."

Raph nervously fidgeted with his hands in his lap, trying to ignore the waiting eyes of his brother. You fuckin' coward, he furiously thought, too angry to even speak the words as they came to him.

"You know I'm right, Raph," Leonardo softly spoke, his eyes patiently resting on his brother's tense stance. "That's why you're silent; you know I can't possibly continue with the rest of you."

The red banded turtle suddenly looked up, sending his older brother a furious glare. "You expect me ta juz let ya give up?" he cried, his eyes wavering back and forth as he held his brother's stare. "Where the hell's the honor in that?"

"I don't 'expect' you to do anything," Leo answered, swiftly closing his lids and seeking strength within himself. Sympathetic eyes promptly opened to meet his enraged brother. "But you know I'm done for as a ninja. I can't go on like this."

"Fine!" Raph shouted, tossing his arms into the air. "So retire, then. Do what normal folks do. But for god's sakes, don't off yerself!"

Leonardo sighed, his shoulders tiredly slumping. "It's not that simple, Raph," he weakly answered, rubbing his temples with his right thumb and index finger.

"The hell it ain't," Raphael insisted, keeping his eyes on his hunched brother. "Yer the one who's makin' it complicated."

"You know what, maybe I am!" Leo exclaimed, looking up to meet his brother's stunned gaze. "Maybe I am being too dramatic," he admitted, anger ruling his voice. "But dammit, Raph - I'm the one who has to live with myself!"

"Then why won'cha?" Raph yelled back, infuriating his brother furthermore.

"Because I don't want to!" Leo cried, his voice coming to a haltered stop once he realized what he'd just said. Confused eyes met those of his red masked brother, panting quietly in disbelief of his own feelings.

The blurted answer came as much of a surprise to Raph, who silently observed his shocked brother as he struggled to wrap his mind around himself, his lost eyes darting across the walls of the subcar; looking at anything and everything, and yet, seeing none of it. The leader had just admitted - to both himself and his brother - that he truly didn't want to live anymore, and the realization of it moved Raph to the core, scaring him beyond his wildest beliefs.

Because how did you save a person that didn't want to be saved?

Finally, while still breathing heavily to himself, Leonardo turned back to meet his brother's watchful eyes. Then, after sharing a swift look of shame, he suddenly shot up from the floor and rushed out the subcar, his trembling hand gripping the right side of the door as he hurried through it.

"Leo!" Raphael hollered in stupor, instantly rising to his feet to charge after him.