Chapter 12
February 12th; 2:52 a.m.
The sound of mucky water splashing up against the running pair of legs echoed endlessly in the dark sewer tunnels of New York City, that and the methodical exhale of Raphael's breath as he ran, his eyes focused on the fleeing silhouette that raced eight leading yards ahead of him. They hadn't been running for very long, but with the speed Leo insisted to keep up, they were already a long mile away from the lair they had left behind. However, it seemed Raph was gaining on his brother with each step, almost as if he wanted to be caught.
But if that was true, than why didn't he stop when Raph called for him to?
"Leo!" he cried for what felt like the umpteenth time, his voice weakened from the incessant running. "Leo, stop!"
The oldest turtle never did; he didn't even flinch at the sound of his name, but just kept on running, his feet tramping indefinitely, kicking up cold water in his trail.
Finally, Raphael reached the end of his patience and tapped into that extra ounce of strength he had always stored for emergency situations. There were only a few times in his hectic life that he actually had to use it - and now was one of those times. Suppressing his lack of breath and pushing himself to his outmost limit, Raph switched to the final gear and sprinted recklessly through the murky stream, moving with an almost impossible speed, the water splashing insanely around his muscular calves.
It was only a matter of seconds until he caught up with his sibling, close enough to touch the tails of the blue bandanna as they flapped in front of him, taunting him with the short distance. "Leo!" he shouted, running up on the right side of his hysteric brother.
The eldest obsessively kept his eyes facing forward, his attention miles away from his brother as he ran, as if he wasn't even aware of his presence.
Seeing no other solution to the problem, Raphael tackled the leader's right shoulder with full force, sending his haltered body into the damp brick-wall of the tunnel, the unmistakable sound of hard hitting hard as the back of the shell vehemently collided with the wall.
Raph used the brief moment of his brother's shocked reaction to intensely push his own body against Leo's, locking him down with one arm placed horizontally against the heaving plastron. His other hand instinctively went to the left shoulder, using his grip to savagely push his older brother against the wall with a force that was foreign to even him. Sure, it was no secret that he was physically stronger than the leader, but every time they had been challenged face to face, some unconscious part of Raph had given into his brother's authority, known it was best for everyone not to rise against the alpha ninja. This time, though, none of that mattered. Because Leo had to be put on his spot; he had to be stopped. So, taking no time to restrain his temper, Raphael angrily demanded, "The hell's wrong with you?"
His violent cry went unnoticed by his brother, who was still struggling against his powerful hold, almost as though he was lost in the midst of a mind-ruling seizure. The red masked turtle tried to find eye contact with his mad sibling, but was unable to do so when Leo repeatedly shook his head, his eyes tightly closed in obvious discomfort. "Let me go!" he protested, trying to use his free arm to push Raph's pressing weight off of him while his entire body squirmed for freedom.
"Calm down, dammit!" Raph desperately shouted, doing everything he could to keep himself from lashing out completely on his wrestling brother. "Don't make me hit you," he warned, tightening his grasp on Leo's shoulder, his jagged fingernails accidentally puncturing the rough surface of the skin, "cuz I swear ta God I will!"
Finally, Leonardo stopped the eternal tossing of his head and met the red banded turtle's stare. Raph was even relived to find some sanity in the furious glare he received from his brother, who was still resisting to his relentless hold.
"Whattahell, Raph!" the first words came, anger shooting from the wide eyes of eldest. "Don't you realize what just happened?" he cried, giving into his brother's strength and allowing his contracting muscles to calm down. "Didn't you hear what I said back there?"
"I heard ya," Raph replied intolerantly, bringing his brother with him as he took a rigid step back from the wall, his feet hidden under the filthy surface of the water. "Still don't give ya the right ta run off like that!" he spat, realizing his brother had finally calmed down. With the swift shove of his arms - the heals of his palms hitting the upper plates of Leo's plastron - Raphael deliberately pushed his sibling backwards, his shell yet again hitting the hard surface of the bricks.
Leonardo looked stupefied, his eyes staring at Raph as if he couldn't believe he had actually pushed him into the wall, and yet the sudden collision seemed to have worked as some type of wake up call, because the panic that had swept over him only moments ago was suddenly gone, to be replaced with a baffled, honest expression on his features. "I... I.." he stammered, his breath laboured as he helplessly tried to defend himself against his brother's words. Finally, a bucket of defeat washed over him and he allowed himself to give into his pain, to be honest with his brother. "Raph, I'm scared," he piteously confessed, his eyes holding nothing but the naked truth; a truth that had never until now dared itself to surface from the misty depth of his tortured being.
Even so, the younger turtle's facial expression remained the same: stern and sceptical. "Since when do ya run away from yer fears?" he simply asked, a judgmental stare cast at his brother.
Leo appeared to be hurt by his cold behaviour, the pain on his face resembling that of an insecure child. "I... I dunno," he replied, his eyes dropping to his feet in shame. "I don't think I even know myself anymore," he weakly whispered, closing his eyes at the declaration.
Intending to put his shattered sibling back together, Raph firmly spoke up, "Yeah well, I do. And I'll be damned if ya ever pull somethin' like this again. Yer a fighter, Leo!" he coached, causing his brother to raise his eyes to his, defeat still lurking within them. "Ya don't quit juz cuz you've made a few bad choices."
"Don't you think that's a bit of an understatement?" Leo snorted, his face lacking all signs of humor.
"Don't gimme that crap," Raph scolded, a menacing finger pointed to his brother. "This ain't funny," he said in a serious tone of voice. "And I know ya don't thinks so, eitha'."
Leo's eyes silently travelled downwards to stare at the black sewer water they stood in, if only to avoid his brother's gaze. But it didn't stop Raph from continuing with his speech, "Now pull yerself togetha' and take some fuckin' responsibility!" he angrily commanded, practically holding himself on a leash, to keep his temper from going overboard.
As if only now hearing what Raph said to him, Leonardo's eyes shot up in disagreement, his pupils unusually large in the darkness. "How can I possibly step up to the responsibility after letting you down like I have?" he asked, anger tangible on his emotional voice.
"Would you juz drop that?" Raph exclaimed, his eye ridges furrowing in obvious irritation. He hated coming back to the same topic over and over again; it left them walking in never ending circles. "So ya messed up? We don't hold that against ya, not even Donnie."
Leo gritted his teeth, his voice low as he involuntary agreed, "Maybe not."
"So then why the hell should you?" Raphael yelled, hoping to reach the end of the seemingly undead argument.
"Because it's my job to protect you," the eldest revealed, taking a moment to calm his voice before addressing his exasperated sibling. "An-and not only as a leader, but as a brother as well," he explained. "I can't just move on and pretend like it never happened." There was a silent look of despair in his eyes.
"I'm not askin' ya to," Raph swiftly corresponded, switching his body weight from one foot to another, "but dammit, Leo! We ain't kids anymore," he outburst, tired of having to remind his brother of the fact. Even while they still had a father, Leonardo couldn't give up on parenting them, protecting them - and it was beginning to push him right over the edge. "We can take care of ourselves, and whether ya want to or not, we're gonna make mistakes," he revealed, quickly continuing before Leo had the chance to protest. "But they're gonna be our own mistakes. They don't concern you," he said, shaking his head to get his point across. He hastily swallowed the saliva that had begin to form in his mouth and bore his eyes into his brother, his voice uncharacteristically mature as he spoke, "The only responsibility you need ta worry about is yer own. Ya can't juz drop the ball when ya feel the weight's too heavy. It doesn't work like that."
"I know that, okay? I know," Leo insisted, appearing to be a little upset from his brother's slightly harsh, yet true words.
"Then whattahell's the problem?" Raph cried, unconsciously holding out his hands in a physical demand for answers. His fervent voice echoed within the stone walls of the wet underground tunnel, fading in the darkness.
Shaking his head to himself, Leo tried to answer, but it was as though the words didn't want to form on his tongue. "It's just.. It's too hard, Raph," he breathed, his throaty voice on the verge of sobbing. He met his brother's eyes with his own, looking as if he was about to tear his own heart open to him. "Do you know what it feels like to walk around with all these feelings of guilt and shame inside of you? Feelings of pain so deep..." the words died on his lips, unable to find the right ones. He shook his head in silent misery, closing his eyes in search of strength. "I-I can't even begin to describe it," he said, opening his mournful eyes, piercing them into his brother's. "I mean, do you have any idea of what it's like for me to get through even a day?" he asked, his voice cracking in his throat.
"Fine," Raphael said, keeping his voice low in a desperate attempt to maintain his feelings in check. "I get it, yer depressed; you've hit rock bottom and ya feel like shit. And that's okay, seriously," he genuinely added, having been down a few dark roads himself. "I understand pain, Leo," he told his brother, a trace of sympathy laced within his words. "But is it really worth screwin' yer family over?" he asked, twisting his features in distress.
Tears formed in Leonardo's eyes, and he made no attempt to hide them. In fact, he allowed them to flood his eyes as he stared at his brother through his blurry vision, his features slack of emotion. "I wish you wouldn't have to be involved in this," he whispered, "I really do. That I could somehow leave you out of it.."
"Well, ya can't," Raph firmly cut in, his voice and stance seemingly unaffected by his brother. However, the empathy he felt for the leader was quickly building in his eyes, the one part of himself he had never learned to control. They always managed to betray him. And so because of it, he blinked excessively.
"I know," Leo sighed, salty drops of pain raining down his face once he blinked in defeat. "It's just.. I..."
"Ya juz don't care," Raph stated, the sympathy in his eyes instantly transforming to anger, feelings of betrayal taking over him.
"No! That's not it," the blue clad turtle objected, shaking his head in fragile determination. "You know that's not true, Raph. I would gladly take a bullet for you, any of you," he quickly added. "Not a single doubt in my mind. But I just, I..." his voice trailed off and he took in an unsteady breath, his tears beginning to take their toll on his vocal cords. "I can't help feeling this way," he whispered, his eyes pleading with his brother to understand. "It's not something I've chosen. I can't control it."
"Yer wrong," Raph protested, his voice more stern now than ever, matching the burned look in his eyes. "It's all about control," he insisted, taking a small but solid step closer to his sibling, their faces barely two feet apart in the damp darkness. "It's not gonna happen overnight," he admitted, "but yer the only one who can pull yerself outta this."
"How?" Leo asked simply, the blunt question catching the red clad turtle completely off guard.
"Whaddaya mean 'how'?" he asked, his face twisting in critical confusion.
"Tell me how and I'll do it," Leonardo said, his voice still holding that same simple tone, as if they were discussing how to set the digital clock on the VCR.
"I dunno," Raph replied, slightly stunned by his brother's flat forwardness. "You could start by not killin' yerself," he spat, narrowing his eyes in hostility. "I.." Unable to finish the sentence, he sharply shrieked, "How the hell should I know?"
"It's not that easy, is it?" Leo quietly pointed out, his eyes never swaying from the turtle in front of him.
Raphael felt his entire body fill up with rage, and he was forced to close the hands that hung restlessly by his sides, his fingers digging into his palms. His blood-crammed vessels rose underneath his skin, the adrenaline exposed even on the surface, leaving a visible skeleton of veins on the upper side of his hands. Warm streams of pain shot out towards his knuckles, whitening them to the point where he feared they might burst. Obsessively, he contracted his fists, only to accidentally pump more blood into them. "Still don't give the right ta quit," he growled, his teeth clenched in fury. He couldn't believe the causal tone his brother was using, the sudden detachment in his behavior. It infuriated him more than he ever thought possible.
"How can I not?" Leo asked plainly, an empty tear sliding down his cheek.
It was all it took for Raph to blow.
Without a single sound to warn his brother, Raphael remorselessly swung his right fist through the noisome air, his knuckles fiercely connecting with Leonardo's jaw, gracing the skin along his left jaw line as the punch travelled upwards, heat pumping it with energy. He then watched as his wincing brother fell backwards against the wall, his eyes shutting in pain once the shell scraped against the slippery surface of the bricks, a swift screeching sound rising above the thrumming noise of the many pipes in the tunnel.
Leo landed in the cold water with a dull splash, his open hands automatically breaking his fall by burying the palms in the greasy mud at the bottom of the tunnel. A throbbing pain exploded in his chin, leaving him with irrational thoughts and a foggy sense of being. Looking up at the brother that stood before him, Leo gently cupped his chin with one of his wet hands, water dripping from it once he lifted it above the surface.
It didn't pass many seconds until he could taste warm blood in his mouth, filling up along the bottom row of his teeth.
"The hell's wrong with you?" Raph yelled, ignoring the pounding sensation in his soar hand. He had hit people before; he knew the deal. It would certainly hurt for a while, but it wasn't anything he couldn't handle. And in this case, it was definitely worth it. The emotionless expression on his brother's face had been a replaced with a look of shock, his eyes wide in astonishment. "You've got people that care about you!" the standing turtle cried, his bulky form towering over his sibling. "You've got a family; people that love you. I love you," he professed, surprising himself with his words. It wasn't that he didn't love his big brother, it was the act of saying it to his face that stumped him.
Leonardo looked just as stunned as his brother where he sat in the water with his back against the wall, a hand touching his chin. But he didn't have much time to bask in the feeling, for Raph wasn't done yet.
"How the fuck can you stand here in front of me and say somethin' like that?" he cried, his voice accidentally cracking at the loud volume. "You really wanna be that selfish?" he asked, peering down at the person in question, his eyes filled with fury and hurt.
"Of course not!" Leo spoke up, his voice already a bit muffled by the punch.
"Then don't be!" Raphael countered, his screaming voice quickly dying once the final words were out, leaving him panting in mental exhaustion. The two brothers silently looked at each other, having finally reached a mutual level of spiritual collapse.
Raph allowed a slow breath escape his lips, a weak attempt to vent his body of any residing anger. He calmly focused on his sibling with tired eyes, speaking with a sense of peace none of them had heard in him before. "Look, " he began, taking a small step closer to his seated brother. "I know we've neva' talked a lot, but if ya ever need to then juz tell me." There was a short pause, in which Leonardo broke away from his eyes and rested his empty gaze on the surface of the water, thinking. "I wanna help you, Leo," Raph said devotedly, still studying his sibling in the darkness.
Leo's stare remained frozen, resting on the foul stream of sewage water. "What if you can't?" he fearfully asked, his voice barely reaching up to a whisper. He slowly looked up at his younger brother, removing his hand from the wounded chin.
"'Course I can," Raph replied confidently, his face mirroring the solid sureness behind his words. "I'm not juz gonna let ya die," he finished honestly.
"I know," Leo acknowledged as he met his brother's gaze, a tired smile hidden underneath the thick layers of desolation and despair.
A long silence swept in over the two, leaving them staring at each other in brotherly understanding. Finally, the red banded turtle broke the stillness,
"I really wanna help, bro," he insisted, his voice quiet yet firm as he spoke. "But ya gotta meet me halfway," he added, opening his right hand and holding it out for his sibling to take.
Leonardo's stare travelled from Raphael down to his inviting hand, silently considering his offer, battling with himself. After a few seconds filled with tension and anxiety, he looked up into his brother's waiting eyes - a turmoil of hope and desperation swimming within them.
Finally, with a wet hand risen from the cold water, Leo closed the distance and placed his faith in his brother's grip, folding his fingers around it. After sharing a small smile, Raphael effortlessly helped his big brother to his feet, once again facing each other on eye level.
It may not have been a guarantee that the leader would reach the end of his dark tunnel, but at least it was a start.