Title : Hero Worship
Author : Helen C.
Rating : PG-13
Summary : Even now, Seth still looks at Ryan with admiration—A 500 words drabble, post The Dearly Beloved.
Spoilers : Everything up to The Dearly Beloved is fair game
Disclaimer : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Huge thanks to my beta, Joey51!
Hero Worship
Helen C
In the beginning, Seth looked at Ryan in an awed, admiring way. Ryan never minded that bit of hero worship—it was so much better than pity—but he never encouraged it, not really. He didn't want Seth to fall too hard when he'd find out that Ryan was only human.
Even now, Seth still looks at Ryan with admiration.
Ryan can't, for the life of him, understand why.
Of course, Seth missed all the fireworks. When he entered the room, Ryan was down and Trey had already been shot.
Seth hasn't seen Ryan and his brother killing each other, thank God for small mercies.
"So, er," Seth says.
Still, for all the admiration in Seth's eyes, there's a new tentativeness to him that wasn't there even when Ryan was just the thug from Chino that Sandy had brought home for the weekend.
Seth looks concerned. Compassionate. Seth looks like he doesn't know what to say, and it's another reason why Ryan hates Trey and loathes himself—a kid like Seth should never look like he's at a loss for words.
"So," Ryan replies, aware that the fact that he doesn't know what to say either isn't helping.
"Tomorrow's the funeral," Seth says, carefully.
"Yeah."
"When do you want to—?"
"I'm not going," Ryan says, his tone short and cold, and Seth recoils slightly. Ryan raises a hand in apology, trying the ignore the blood he can still see on this hand, no matter how many times he washes it. "Sorry."
"It's okay," Seth says. "I just thought…"
"He's dead," Ryan replies flatly. "What difference does it make?"
If Trey was still alive, he'd offer excuses, meaningless apologies and reasons why he is the one who got screwed there.
But Trey isn't alive, and Ryan won't ever need to listen to his excuses, and the thought is more painful than it should be—in a maddening, sharp-yet-dull way.
Seth nods, looking slightly sad, and Ryan knows Seth doesn't understand how Ryan can turn his back on his family, can decide that they don't exist, none of them. How Ryan can not go say goodbye to his own brother.
Ryan knows that Seth wonders if one day, Ryan will just pack and leave the Cohens behind, because one of them will have disappointed him one time too much.
What Seth doesn't understand, and what Ryan doesn't want to explain, is how many times Trey promised, how many second chances there were, and how much it hurts to be betrayed again, and again, and how deep the wounds run.
What Seth doesn't understand is that the Cohens are not like the Atwoods, and that promises here are not the same as promises in Chino.
Ryan has lost his trust in a lot of people, but he knows with an absolute certainty that no Cohen will ever drive him away like Trey did.
"Wanna go play ninja?" Seth asks when the silence grows heavy.
Ryan shrugs gratefully. "Sure."
END