Title : Ambivalence
Author : Helen C.
Rating : PG-13
Summary : Ryan has tried to deny it, but he misses Trey—A 500 words drabble, post The Dearly Beloved.
Spoilers : Everything up to The Dearly Beloved.
Disclaimer : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Huge thanks to my beta, Joey51!
Ambivalence
Helen C
Whatever Ryan expected, it wasn't this—the beautiful headstone, the sunny graveyard.
Trey Atwood
Beloved son and brother.
Ryan kept his word and didn't attend the funeral. Sandy and Seth went, and told him it was a simple, quiet ceremony. Everything Trey wasn't, Ryan thought, but didn't say.
Ryan can't reconcile his dead brother, the one who tried to rape Marissa and tried to kill him, with the Trey who lived in Chino—who took punches for Ryan, who taught him how to defend himself, how to smoke pot, how to flirt with girls.
How could these two Treys be the same person?
How could Trey try to preserve a little of Ryan's innocence one day, before screwing him the next day, and sincerely apologize the day after that?
How could Trey watch Ryan's back one day, and stab him the next day?
Ryan has tried to deny it, but he misses Trey—the good Trey, the one who was a loving brother. The one who shared a lifetime of memories with Ryan, the one who didn't need to be told what life in Chino was like, because he was there and he saw it.
Ryan lost a good part of his history when Dawn emptied their house, taking his stuff with her. He lost yet another part of himself when Trey died, and when he thinks about the scope of the loss, he wonders how come he's still in one piece.
A hand on his shoulder makes him jump.
"I knew I'd find you here," Sandy says quietly.
"I don't understand," Ryan says after a while. "I've tried, but I don't get it. How he could be… nice, sometimes."
"Ryan, it's okay if you miss him."
Ryan shakes his head. "Not after what he's done," he says firmly.
"He was your brother," Sandy insists.
To Ryan's dismay, his throat feels tight and he rubs it, half expecting to feel rough fingers squeezing it.
"He… he tried to…" He takes a breath and shudders. "How could I forgive him?"
There's a long silence, reminding Ryan of all the reasons why he loves Sandy. The man is thorough and never bullshits, never gives easy answers.
"I don't know," Sandy says at last. "I'm sorry. I should have seen…"
"Trey's the one to blame."
Ryan closes his eyes, but the words on the headstone are still clear in his mind.
Beloved brother.
"I hate him," he whispers.
Sandy pulls him close. "I know."
"I…" I love him, Ryan wants to say, but the words are caught in his throat.
"I know." Sandy rubs his hair softly for a while, and Ryan doesn't move, gritting his teeth, refusing to cry here, in front of Sandy, after everything that has happened.
It's a lost cause, of course, and Sandy doesn't let go of him until he's done.
"Take me home," Ryan pleads, when he can finally talk.
Sandy stays silent, not offering platitudes or empty promises.
He just takes Ryan home.
END