HUMAN
Once long ago two people met. One was all sun and chatter and a baby face with blue eyes, your typical Island Boy who pouted for treats and begged for playtime. The other was your difficult problem child, who seemed bright but did not talk, and let the other children run past him, unafraid of being left behind. One day of them all running past the older boy, Sora ran straight into Riku and they both fell down. They both picked up their dizzy heads and looked at each other that curious way children always are with everything. Sora smiled the stranger, beach sand on half on his round face. The stray only blinked back at first, but then gave a tiny and shy smile back.
That late afternoon, he remembered, was when someone finally asked what his name was.
This is what Riku remembers. This is what he remembers while he is sitting across from Kairi's tiny body clutching the side of the cave door wall, looking dimly beautiful in the darkness but more afraid and ready to run. If she does, he will never forgive her. He wouldn't blame her. But he's done everything right, it seems, and it will never be enough for the two of them.
She will likely always uncomfortable and miserable while bravely keeping at bay how indifferent she really is to the idea of them getting closer
He will always keep asking and asking himself what's wrong now and if it's impossible for me to fix it, why should I even try? but I want to try I have to put an end to this.
They're both very brave people. They would never tell each other the whys of I hate this, which is a lot like hating you, or the I wishes' of loving you or at least I could learn to starting with some good part of you. But that's why we're here Riku thinks. Because we will always be our strong selves of knowing things are OK if we just looked at the bright side, but on the inside we will always feel like complaining.
His hands touch the wall behind him…
Kairi looks at him and she feels something click inside of her. Riku says he's sorry but she should be saying sorry too. Because she expected too much of their champion swordsman who holds back from hurting the other boys in practice. Who might be the best-looking guy this island has ever seen but has never lost his or taken someone else's virginity. He's the best of everything and is rightfully confident, but those that knew never could call him arrogant or greedy.
Somewhere along the line, on top of him being all around too-good-to-be-true, she'd forgotten to love how he could be so much worse than he was but didn't want to be and so wasn't. She'd never thought about it that way.
Don't be special. Special like him, worthy of worship but seeming so fake when asking people not to. Because maybe he believed he was worth it, people kept telling him so. It felt so nice, to be worshipped. It was so easy, to want to believe you deserved it. That it was an obligation maybe, to be perfect because people were interested in how possible it was and maybe you were the closest so maybe if you could only rely on yourself to get it finally done. It was surprising how'd they'd just all let him do that. Wasn't it obvious that it wasn't possible to be naturally perfect?
Poor Riku, then.
She'd assumed he could handle being human too. She'd silently hated some things about him, and if you hated someone when they were doing everything as perfectly as possible, what would stop them from finally seeing how stupid being good was? could hurt, rape, let himself find a callously enjoyable life. And if people hated him for it, so what? They'd hated him when he was nice too.
I like you Kairi. I really, really like you.
That's so unfair of him.
Do you want to say something to that? He asks her coldly when she's quiet for too long.
No, she doesn't.
Fine. I didn't think you would. Come here, Kairi.
Why? She asks.
Because I'm asking you to.
She crosses and sits down next to him, his hands around his knees, his chin to his knees. There is the urge to hug him, but it feels so artificial. They sit there, side by side, and say nothing. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair.
Kairi says softly; I'm sorry you feel bad about this Riku. I'm sorry I misjudged you. She finally gets all of her sorrys' out. Sorry, but I wasn't prepared for this, give me some time to get used to this. I'm sorry, I just don't know yet.
She can't stand it, she simplifies it to everything it is but only barely. She could give him everything he deserves, as her friend, Riku, and the person who just said he liked her.
Sora, oh Sora, what can I do she wonders. I like YOU. I don't really, really like you, but I do like you.
Because you can change and know who you are. You can control yourself… or maybe you're not the type that's wild enough to be need to be controlled. Because before you even care about any of that, you'd just want to be happy the same time I am. Because you'd never blind a friend and tell a girl you liked her in the same day, or get caught up in being intense and frightening and pushing yourself to the breaking point. Because right now when I should be so frightened of Riku I'm calm thinking of you, because you were great today being there for Riku when I'm just here wishing I didn't have to be. Because I've loved you ever since I was little and if I ever need to be saved I'd want it to be you even if someone else could do a better job.
She has all this of Sora and still. She doesn't really, really like him.
That's why it's out of her reach, what Riku wants from her. It doesn't seem worth it enough. Not for him. For herself, she has no idea.
Do you like Sora?
Kairi is a bit stronger now. So she says what she knows, eyes straight forward.
I don't know.
There is a long moment of silence. Somewhere water is dripping and it can be heard through the whole cave. Riku puts his face into his knees so his hair falls everywhere.
That's not fair, Kairi. That's really not fair.
She turns her head to him. If they were younger, she might have kissed him. And if she tried to understand Riku a little better, she might have smiled and said don't bother, I'm not that special. If only. But now isn't exactly a time for that, her conscience, heart, and mind are all so disconnected from each other. But they are all looking out for her, and they all said don't give Riku anything that'll come back to hurt him twice as much. So she sits in silence, listening to him.
It's all she can give him.
What did you expect me to do! What were you expecting, everyone calls me by that stupid name…sexy or hot or whatever… I don't have what Sora has. That's obvious. But I like you! I can't help it, my mind wants to hug and kiss you just because I want you to know I care, but I can't just pretend my body doesn't exist! Boys are like this, when they like a girl they want to-
No, Riku. Kairi shakes her head. It's not really like that between us.
Not yet.
Girls are like this too. Kairi tells him quietly, looking at her feet and her hands in fists beside her. We're afraid of what boys want. Maybe we want it too, but it's hard to be sure. So we blame the guy no matter what. It's hard for them to take the blame, but it's even harder to live with regrets when you knew something was going to happen, and you let it happen. Even if you thought you wanted it too.
She looks a him again, and this time their eyes lock. Her face is firm, set like she's decided to take care of him too.
That's why, Riku. I'm not going to let anything happen. She's sure.
Not yet
Riku snorts. He stands
Something's already happening he says.
No, it's not! Kairi snaps back.
Sora… he makes you feel like… everything's going to be alright, right? Riku turns his back to her, back to that part of the wall he is obsessive over. He runs his hands over it. It's the same with me…
Sora. He mutters. He doesn't let stuff get to him. Just being around him is a stress-reliever… But something's been going on, Kairi. For a long, long time.
He moves out of the way so that she can see. It's Kairi's favorite picture, she realizes with a sharp jolt, of her and Sora facing each other and smiling. They each drew the other.
Damnit. Damnit. Damnit all.
Riku. She says slowly. We drew those when we were kids. I don't know if it means anything. I think Sora must have forgotten about it.
No. Riku is adamant, but smiling. I'm surprised I've never seen this before. I'm here all the time, you know.
Really? Kairi comments, mildly surprised. Well, maybe Sora had never specifically said, but…
You thought only you and Sora knew about this, right? Yeah, I know, I did too… Sora said it was our secret. But more importantly, do you know what this means, Kairi?
What?
Sora only feels about you the same way he does with me.
Oh. Well, that wasn't so bad.
Why? Riku's completely focused on the simple etching. Why do I feel like I'm losing both of you? You and Sora?
Kairi knows what he's thinking, but she skips saying it out loud. If they both knew, there was no reason to rub it in.
Because, Riku, you might have never had either of them. They belonged with each other.
She gently holds out her hand, wanting to him pull him down into sitting next to her. But he grabs it and carefully arranges his fingers so they weave together with hers.
Kairi, can't you try to trust me? Can't you try to feel safe holding my hand?
She smiles.
She can't.
A/N: I really don't like this chapter, but I'm feeling antsy so near the end. I feel like I've left out something important. I'm also sorry about the huge number if typos in the last chapter, I'm not sure what happened when I was doing some minor edits in the document manager... and the lateness. Because I've started my summer job.Sigh, r&r…