HUMAN
It's strange. In a way Kairi gave Riku everything he wanted. She played his game in her own way of quiet anxiety and platonic devotion. He gave her his invincibility, so she kept hitting him with soft disappointments of avoiding his eyes and smiles that were only uncertain at best, because she knew it couldn't bother him.
What she first believed was that Riku was just like the rest of them, all angst and weakness and the odd strength in desperate times. But he didn't carry himself that way. He was all ambition and adventure and to hell with everyone else saying you're crazy. He stood defiantly before all of them so firmly that he could have eaten up the power of the sun. But in those godforsaken moments of them being stunned senseless at Riku, somehow they hadn't noticed that he wasn't moving. He was stuck. He was trapped. He was on the edge. He was getting tired. He was going to fall.
He'd fooled them all. He'd convinced Kairi that he wasn't human, that he didn't bleed the same blood, cry the same tears, or hurt from the same pain. But if she told him that he'd just laugh. Because it was true. Who cared that he was human, he'd say, bleeding her blood or whatever, because he'd never give anyone the opportunity to give him that cut. He'd be smart enough to get out of the way. And if she'd say that he was just running away, he would shrug and say then fine you stay and heal.
Because he was like that, impossibly confident in his own ability to break the rules set for other people. Which included bleeding, crying, and hurting.
Kairi wishes that he would value his own humanity more. But she'd probably do it ridden with tears and snot and furious at herself for not setting a better example, so even she wouldn't be moved by his predictable answer of why would I want to be human if I'd have to go through all of that?
And she wouldn't be able to counter it at all. Because she hated it too.
But for all of his apathy towards his fragile core, he still had it. For now. Although for the longest time everyone called his bluff said well OK maybe Riku is better than all of that, he'd carefully balled it up as small as possible inside himself. That's why he could poke Kairi with his troublesome touches and words and gestures, well aware that that would just make her poke back with silence, mixed messages, and shrugs. He thought she'd never be able to make a direct hit at that small of a target. He had his weakness, but he was working on it, and in the meantime he was proud that he had already gotten rid of as much as he did.
She kept going and going daring him to finally admit that he was just hurting himself, but somehow she must have broken him when she meant to stop at the last minute. Or she was awfully close and that was why he was finally alarmed, drawing back to regroup.
Why did love feel like a war?
I miss it too.
Riku's saying something but she's a little distracted worrying over him, so she just nods.
Kairi, is it OK if we talk a bit about Sora?
He doesn't need her permission to talk about anything.
I can't help it. He mumbles. I don't try to feel this way. And I don't think it's a big deal either, it's just sorta there… but… it's like… I don't know, a little lonely. Like he's not there for me anymore. Ugh, that sounds stupid… um wait, I think I can put it better.
We both love you, though. Kairi says suddenly. Do you understand that, Riku? Do you know that right now? We both love you so much. I love you.
He's not listening to her, though.
I guess it's like… he says slowly. We've been friends for so long, if I looked at him I knew I could find myself inside him. And it'd be the same for him. Like at one point I decided I wanted part of myself to live inside him, and he wanted the same. And we'd kept those parts alive because we were important to each other… Um, does this make any sense to you Kairi?
Oh yes. God yes. But she just nods.
Maybe Riku doesn't care how at how empty a nod can be, so he keeps going. I don't want it to sound this fruity, I really don't. But it's how it was… And now when I'm with Sora, I really don't know if I'm there anymore. But the hard part is I can't figure out if it's because he doesn't want me there anymore, or if it's because I don't want to be there anymore.
She doesn't know what to say. She detests it, but she can't control how she's barely thinking about Riku at all as soon as Sora's name is mentioned. Focus she tells herself.
I wish I were inside Sora! Her mind prattles. It's not fair, why is Riku so much closer to him? Well, now that Riku's out, maybe I can move in! It's not so terrible, Sora's special that way-
She's so horrible she almost wants to cry.
Focus!
Sora loves you. She whispers, her throat dry. She wishes she could manage that one more, integral bit of Kairi loves you too. But it feels too exposed.
Riku stares at her. I guess… he says in a low voice, running his finger along the sand of the cave floor. Then he sighs and adds; Or, rather, I know. Knew. As in you don't have to tell me that, it's so freaking obvious. Or um… he trails off.
I mean. He says, his face slightly red. I think love comes to Sora more easily than for us. He doesn't even have to think about it.
That's what makes him special they say together. And laugh.
Riku tilts his handsome face up to the ceiling.
But that's probably what's going to fuck me up in the long run… he sighs, again. It has to end…
No it doesn't. Not if you don't want it to, she objects.
Kairi feels defensive; it's true, Sora's far more forgiving than she is. Distance, drift, jealousy or nature- those things do not matter to Sora. Because he does not let something as burdensome as common sense get in the way of what really mattered to him, which was simple peace and paradise between the two people that he cared about the most. It was sweet to her. But to Riku, it must have been delusional.
Yes it does. You know what Kairi? This going to sound bad but I don't think your opinion of me can get any lower than it's already sunk, so I'm going to say it anyways. Riku grins in that infuriatingly caustically optimistic way of his. If it's going to end… I want it to be on my terms.
What do you mean? Kairi knows this can't be leading to anything good, but well, what exactly about the whole thing was very good anyways?
I mean. He says, smiling. Sora's going to know first that I fucked him over. That I ended it. And then if he fucks me over back… I'm the bad guy, I deserve it.
Oh shut up Riku. Kairi's annoyed now. You could be sad and she'd understand. You could be rejected and she'd sympathize. But no self-destruction. No crashing and burning and then laughing all the way while in flames.
Sora would never… um… 'fuck you over.' He cares about you, he'd put himself on the line for you if he had to!
Oh I know. Which is why I'm counting on it to all work out pretty good. He laughs. Forget it Kairi, you'd better stay out of it. It'd be the best thing you could do for yourself.
I won't let you! Whatever you're going to do, I won't let you! She shouts at him.
So you feel this is going to screw you over too, huh? You're willing to hurt yourself when I just said you could avoid it? Because you care so much about Sora you don't give a fuck that it's really just between me and him? Riku isn't very much upset when he says those words. He's just looking at as plain as plain could be when he unexpectedly sticks his tongue out at her.
You deserve it. You fucked me up first.
Riku, you are such an ass! She explodes. She stands up and her hands are in fists.
Stop yelling.
I'M NOT YELLING! She yells, disgusted with herself because it is so obvious she's yelling.
Riku choking on his laughter now, holding his side. He is such an ass. That's the only thing she can grasp in how insanity has pinned them both down in a tiny little cove with baby graffiti and words on Sora and love and like and being fucked over.
Looks like I fucked you up too… Lighten up Kairi, just saying you know? Since when does what I say mean anything?
He stands and stretches, his chest muscles tight against his shirt.
By the way… I know it doesn't count for shit, but… I love Sora too. And I love you.
He turns and smiles, and there's something about the old Riku and new Riku combined in that over-the shoulder sunniness
Don't worry he says, holding out a hand again-not in a like-you kinda way, or I wish it were a like-you kind of way, even. He just wants to lead her out of the cave.
I don't WANT something to happen. I'll try to no do anything… Is that fair, Kairi?
Ok. Maybe Riku's a little cute too.
Yeah, thanks… she says, smiling wanly as she takes his hand and lets him pull her out into the sunlight. They both scream when the freezing water of the waterfall hits their backs.
Riku. Kairi grins as they both splash noisily through the little pool, wetting each other by smacking the water's surface with their heavy shoes. They shriek when they get each other in the face.
Riku throws his head back to get rid of the water in his silvery hair, which catches the light in bright threads… only to shake his head side to side to spray Kairi like a dog.
Riku, yuck!
But Riku doesn't reply, he's looking around suspiciously.
Hey Riku, what's up?
Riku has very good hearing.
Do you hear someone crying…? He asks her. Kairi shakes her head mutely. Come on! He shouts, dragging her through the pool onto the sun-drenched beaches.
Someone was crying. Kairi pants, out of breath because she has a hard time keeping up with Riku's longer legs. Her eyes dart in all directions to see who is crying as the sound of it becomes louder.
Riku stops short and she bangs into him.
Ouch!
Sorry!
Selphie's the one who's crying, and she's all wet, from her curly chestnut hair to her pretty canary yellow sundress. Dry-eyed and dry-clothed, Tidus and Sora hover over her as she sits limply in the sand, rubbing her eyes with her fists. Tidus is glaring at Sora and Sora is apologizing profusely. There's a trail of darker sand coming in from the shore, as if something has been dragged from the tides onto land. The trail ends at Selphie's bottom.
Oi Sora, your mom let you already? Riku calls, completely ignoring the situation at hand even though he'd been the one to freak out to find the person in distress.
Sora looks up and waves, although a bit occupied with trying to pat Selphie on the back with his other hand, but she throws it away.
She wanted me to talk to you! He calls back.
Who, Selphie?
No, my mom! Weren't we just talking about her?
Riku you moron, stop yelling back and forth with Sora. Kairi mutters to him. It's insensitive.
What? Riku whispers back. I hit him in the head today, I wanna know what's going on!
Find out what's going on right now, you idiot!
Oh, right.
They both walk up to Tidus, Selphie, and Sora, and Selphie's taking giant gulps of air. Tidus is already yelling at Sora.
You three are messed up, you know that? Isn't that enough! Do you have to involve the rest of us in your sick problems!
Hey, Tidus-Riku begins to drawl sarcastically. Kairi has to hide her mouth with her hand. It's just funny, she can't help it. She feels like everyone's a whole week behind the two of them just because they spent what must have been only an hour in that cave.
No! Just leave us the hell out of it from now on! We're not going to bother with you freaks until you fix this thing, got it! Tidus huffs, extending his arms out to Selphie.
C'mon Selphie. He says to her, using a considerably nicer tone. I'll carry you home, alright?
But she's looking at Riku and Kairi, still sobbing, but her eyes wide with shock. Too late, Kairi realizes she's still holding Riku's hand from when he dragged her into investigating the case of the mysterious crying. She causally slips it out of his and he never even notices. In fact, he crosses him arms to give Tidus a very cold look of disregard.
Tidus kneels down slides her around his back and picks her up, carrying her piggyback. As he trudges grimly past the two of them, Riku throws up his hands in exasperation and walks over to Sora, but Kairi twists around to face Selphie, who has never broke eye contact with her since she came into the open.
I just asked if Sora liked you. Selphie hisses nastily at her from Tidu's shoulder, low enough that Tidus probably can't hear. And you being off with Riku when Sora's hurt…
Tidus is still moving so she falls sullenly silent, but she glares at Kairi all the same. Kairi is blank, at a loss for what to do. She gives a quick look over at the boys. Riku's cautiously inspecting the patch of white cotton over Sora's eyes with his fingertips. That can't look very good to Selphie, because she'll think Kairi's looking at Riku.
But suddenly she feels inspired.
She tucks a strand of her pretty pink hair behind her ear smoothly.
Sorry. She intones, narrowing her eyes and mouth into a smirk. But you deserved it.
Selphie's mouth drops open and she looks ready to bawl or scream all over again, but then Tidus turns to get to her house and carries her right out of sight.
Kairi crosses over and settles herself by the boys, who have sat down on the sand. She can apologize for real when she feels like being nice to Selphie.
So. She says, looking at Sora. He has a patch over his damaged eye but large blue eye that's left can do enough shining for the both of them. What was that about? She asks.
Sora's got his trademark pout going.
Selphie's nice, but she was being nosy and asking me stuff-
Kairi's heart skips a beat.
-And then she started poking me, which really bugged me so I pushed her and she fell into the water.
And it settles back into a steady rhythm.
That's all? She asks. Riku leans over and murmurs in her ear: He's just like a five-year old.
She bursts out laughing.
She was bugging me! Sora says defensively.
Calming down, what Tidus said really dawns on Kairi.
So is everyone else going to avoid us now? Kairi frets.
Fine with me. Riku says, smiling. He rolls his eyes. I'm sure they'll get over it, but who wants to hang out with someone who cries that easily anyways?
Sora starts to smile slyly. Hey, Riku, you're not one to talk about crying easily. Remember when…
The smile vanishes from Riku's face and he goes beet red.
Don't you dare, Sora. I'll kill you. I will seriously get up and strangle you until you're dead.
Riku cried? Kairi asks, intrigued. She's never seen him cry. Not even when they were little kids.
What, you'd attack the injured? Aren't you honorable. Sora mocks Riku. Anyways, Kairi, when me and Riku were little…
Dammit Sora! Riku lunges at Sora and tries to clap a hand over his mouth. Sora may not be as strong as Riku but he's not weak either and he manages to keep his lips moving, but quickly so he can get the entire story out.
We'd-just-met-and-we-were-like-four-and-I-thought-Riku-was-a girl-cuz-of-his-hair-but-the-other-guys-knew-he-was-a boy-so-they-thought-it'd-be-funny-to-dare-me-to-ki-
Shut up shut up shut up! Riku cuts him off. Riku's face looks like its on fire and he shoves Sora's face into the sand.
Ouch, Riku, you're getting sand in my eye! Sora whimpers. Riku immediately lets go.
Psyche! Sora yells, grinning and shoots out of Riku's reach.
OH SORA YOU DIDN'T! Kairi shrieks with laughter as she rolls over on her side, hysterical.
Riku beat me up real good for it too! Sora continues, dodging a grab from said friend. But when he was done he just sat down and cried and cried and our moms made us apologize to each other but when they found out what happened they laughed and said we were completely even and they became such good friends that Riku finally shared some of his toys with me when me and my mom were over at their house and we decided to be best friends! The end!
Sora…you…suck… SO BAD! Riku stops trying to make an attempt on Sora's life and buries his head in his hands in shame.
Aw come on, I'm not embarrassed, why should you be? Sora says, grinning his grin that they all like so much. No one else knows, the guys weren't watching when I did it!
I didn't want Kairi to know!
Sora points to Kairi, who's wiping tears of mirth.
I don't think she's going to think any less of you. He smiles.
Yeah. Sora is just like a five-year-old. That's what's so great about him. It's not sad at all. And if it's funny, that's fine. But for now it is what it is. Kairi sits up, her sides aching.
Oh c'mon Riku. She's our best friend too.
Yes. She was, Kairi thinks.
Riku's glaring, though. Before her he insists. You'd never even think about telling anyone else.
Well yeah. Cuz I'm scared you'll beat me up. But you wouldn't if it was Kairi.
No… I wouldn't.
Riku looks both of them over with a very sheepish, but somehow slightly pleased? expression. His eyes really uncommonly beautiful, if a bit dangerous, Kairi thinks. Oh well, they're the color of seawater. Beautiful and scary, that's the perfect metaphor for the ocean or the unknown, and it's nice that it fits Riku too.
Meanwhile with just the one left over, Soras' all the blue of skies and dreams and shadows and everything that's pleasant but hard to grasp but that's why you like it.
She reaches out and takes one of their hands in each of her own.
Hey, what're you doing?
Oh, I dunno…
That's right, she really doesn't know.
But she's starting to feel that that's OK.
A/N: Warning! This note will be long!
Ok welcome to the end. I hope everyone's figured out by now that this fic draws a lot from a real life, so don't be too harsh on the characters, no matter how creepy or annoying they are. Because they're supposed to be exactly like real people, and the things that Kairi think…If you're a girl, thoughts like that have run through your mind or will. It's tough having to go through all this growing up stuff without worrying yourself half to death in the process. She needed to grow up and that was what Riku was for, but she needed to save what childhood she could, and that was what Sora was for. They're both a part of her that are equal parts pain and happiness so that's why it didn't turn out to be a romance. They're more important to her than that. :-)
And Riku really isn't a smarmy demi-god and Kairi really isn't a shooting star inspiring light… It was all from one viewpoint so what was said only reflected one person's understanding of the situation. Kinda tricky, but fun, to write. This fic, besides being a kinda-drama, is sort of an explanation of what happened to Riku. My friend and I talked about it once and we came to conclusion that, while Sora and Kairi are definitely very nice people, they are largely at fault for a lot of Riku's problems. Not on purpose necessarily but if you're the black sheep it's either stray from the flock or feel like you're about to be chased off. And Riku's the type to go off by himself if he thinks he needs to.
Sorry for how long the conclusion ended up being, and again apologies for how hard the lack of quotations made everything… It was an experiment, don't think I'll do that again. The technique was starting to grind on me by the fifth chapter… and the chapters by the way, are each a noun and a verb. And this would officially be the longest thing I ever posted. Thanks for reading and I'll be back later…