Disclaimer: Severus Snape, Harry Potter and Co. belongs to J.K. Rowling. The poems quoted within are not mine they belong respectively to: Mary Wroth, Walt Whitman, William Blake, T.S Eliot, Robert Frost and Mark Strand.
Warning: SS/HP slash, mentions of violence and rape.
Pairing: Severus/Harry.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: The woods were huge and seemed even bigger in every direction. Hogwarts could have been six feet before their eyes and they wouldn't have spotted it. Severus knew however that they were nowhere near the castle yet. (4870 words)
Author's Note: Sequel to Ice Storm. Erm…I don't suggest tackling this before reading that first. This came out a lot more angsty than I had hoped. Be gentle.
Author:Spirit
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Wilderness Tips
Dark Forest
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"Six…seven…eight…nine -"
Severus groaned loudly, effectively cutting off the softly trailing voice. He opened his eyes slowly, expecting light to mercilessly flood his vision. Instead he was greeted by suffocating darkness.
"Believe me Potter that will not help for very long," he commented dryly into the uncertain abyss. "Are you seriously wounded?"
Instead of a direct reply, Severus heard a gasp before there was the frantic sound of something large crawling towards him. Moments later he was being clung to in a desperate manner.
"You're alive! I thought they'd finally managed to kill you. I kept calling you but you wouldn't answer." All the while, the worried voice was accompanied by a desperate nuzzling as if Harry had to keep reassuring himself that the other wizard was indeed alive.
"How badly are you injured?" Severus asked a little softer this time.
"Just the Cruciatius," Harry responded quickly, but Severus was not so easily appeased.
"You don't fight the Cruciatius with numbers Potter," he chided. "If you have to trick your mind into staying conscious then you sustained far more than being under the Cruciatius curse."
"It's nothing," Harry insisted, but it didn't slip Severus' notice that his breathing was a little erratic.
Severus allowed Harry to rest his head upon his shoulder. With barely a thought, he ran his palm slowly along Harry's arms as he tried to warm the naked flesh. He was cold, but Harry always seemed to be so much colder to his touch. He had to dismiss the urge to offer Harry his shirt yet again. Harry had refused it at many other similar occasions, saying that his cousin's pants made up for his lack of any other clothing.
It wasn't so very long ago that they had been captured, but they had felt every hour that had passed by since being held prisoners. While one was being subjected to unmerciful acts the other could do nothing but listen and wait. And every day they were moved from one cell to another until they had finally given up in trying to decipher where they were.
"How long was I out?" Severus asked.
Harry shrugged slightly. "A while."
Not good. The day before, they were being held in a room that seemed to have a sun conjured up to float in the centre of the room. It had been just as hot too. Not good. It meant that Severus had missed a turn. Harry would have suffered double.
"Tell me what they did?" Severus urged.
Harry shifted in his arms, then as if he couldn't find peace again, he moved to sit beside Severus. Tucking his knees up to his chest, and resting his cheek on his knees, his voice was a little muffled when he spoke.
"They…raped you…again. Why do you let them do it?"
"Better me than you," Severus answered immediately. "It wouldn't be the first time and I would rather to spare you the intricate knowledge. But I clearly remember what they did to me. What did they do to you?"
"Just the Cruciatius."
Severus turned angrily to where he could feel Harry sitting. He could just barely make out the green eyes in the dark. They hardened stubbornly and Severus had to pause to appreciate Harry's still unwavering courage. Many would have broken but Harry had begun to merely adopt Severus' armoured shell also.
Severus grabbed Harry's shoulder. "Tell me what they did!"
"They made me watch," Harry said through clenched teeth. "Even when you were unconscious they wouldn't stop. I think I killed Crabbe. I think I broke his neck. I don't know how. I wanted to kill him and suddenly he was flying through the air. He cracked his skull against the wall and his neck was…twisted. I wanted to rip one of them apart with my bare hands. Draco got in the way. I was aiming for McNair."
Harry's gaze fell to his finger. They looked as if they were coated in something dark. He rubbed them along the ground vigorously. Some of the darkness faded, replaced by dust.
"Lucius called me a monster. He said that I was becoming what I hated. He didn't even care that I had ruined Draco's face. He just smiled. He called me a monster."
"You're not." Severus tilted Harry's head up until they were looking into each other's eyes again. "You're not. Anger brings out the worst in everyone, but your anger pales in comparison to his or even his master's."
Harry nodded. "I know. I didn't say I believed him. Bastard. There won't be a soul for the devil to feast on when he makes it to hell. And I plan on doing the sending."
"What else? What else did they do to you?"
"I honestly don't remember." Harry shrugged. "Well…one thing. I think they might have cursed me."
Severus' eyes narrowed suspiciously. "What curse?"
"No clue," Harry whispered. "I don't remember hearing them say it. It just hurt so damn much that I blacked out. I can feel it though. I can feel it moving in me and while you were lying there I thought I could hear it. Then I started to feel really light headed so I started to count to stay conscious."
Severus seemed to be struck silent. He reached over and pulled Harry into his arms. His grip around the younger wizard's waist sent fear through Harry's body, but instead of voicing it Harry returned the embrace.
They sat like that for a long time, holding each other as if one could give the other what he didn't have any more.
"Voldemort is coming," Harry said softly, breaking the silence.
"What?" How do you know?" Severus asked.
Harry laughed shortly. "I can feel him. I just know. What are we going to do?"
Severus tried to sift through the utter calmness in Harry's voice to discern the truth. But, they had been each other's strength and had never found reason to lie to each other ever since they were taken.
"You will have to fight him."
"I can't." Harry shook his head, before pressing a kiss onto Severus' shoulder. He was still disturbingly calm. "I don't have the strength. He'll kill me. He'll kill us."
"Stop it," Severus chided. Harry's tone had worried him. "You will fight him and win. I will find a way out. We are not dying tonight."
"But soon," Harry murmured against Severus' ear. "Soon we can give in and not fight anymore."
"No," Severus responded…but his words held no conviction.
x-x-x
He watches her as she approaches from the distance. She spots him and smiles understandingly before pausing to stand beside him. She speaks slowly.
Hermione
Come darkest night. Becoming sorrow best. Light, leave thy light, fit for a
lightsome soul. Darkness doth truly suit with me oppressed. Whom absence
power doth from mirth control.
Harry
Hermione?
With another small smile, she sits. Both stare at the sinking sun. She speaks again, softly.
Hermione
You look so sad.
Harry
And you look even sadder.
Hermione
Believe it or not I came to cheer you up.
Harry
You can't give me what you don't have.
There are tears in her eyes when she looks at him. He reaches up to try to catch them, but they don't fall.
Harry
Do you love him?
Hermione
He's not mine to love.
Harry
I know that feeling. Is he very angry?
Hermione
You know Ron. Everything makes him angry.
Harry
Not everything. Just when it comes to either of us. He thinks he's losing us.
Hermione
Maybe he is.
Harry
He loves you. He's just afraid.
Hermione
Well he knows who it is you like now. What's left to be afraid of?
Harry
Everything else? He says I sold my soul to the Devil.
Hermione
Did he really say that?
He looks away from the sadness in her eyes. The sun is now just streaks of red on the horizon. His words are spoken very softly.
Harry
Maybe I did.
Hermione
Harry. Don't say that.
He is silent. She leans over and rests her head on his shoulder.
Hermione
Do you love him?
Harry
Sometimes I wish I didn't.
Hermione
But you do?
He smiles sadly, but not at her. Instead it's at the darkening sky and peaceful lake.
Harry
He's not mine to love either. But yes. He's so intense you know. So Snape.
He's in my head and I can feel him in everything. Like poison.
He laughs suddenly but it is so hollow it's close to a sob. She wraps her arm around his waist.
Harry
Stupid me.
Hermione
Don't say that.
Harry
He's untouchable. How will I ever get him to take me seriously?
Merlin I'm an idiot!
Hermione
Stop it! Stop.
He is silent. She shifts a little, tightening her arms. He laces his fingers through hers.
Harry
Sullen and suffering hours. I am ashamed, but it is useless.
I am what I am. Hours of my torment.
I wonder if other men ever have the like out of the like feelings?
She chuckles softly. Her head is still resting on his shoulder. She picks up the quote softly.
Hermione
Is he too as I am now? Does he still rise in the morning, dejected, thinking who is lost to him?
And at nights, awaking, think who is lost?
He laughs suddenly. This time his amusement sounds more genuine.
Harry
We really do act like lovers. Small wonder that Ron is jealous.
Hermione
And Snape isn't jealous enough.
Harry
If that were the way to reach him…but I think I would fear for my life.
I don't think he'd suffer jealousy lightly.
Hermione
Like Ron. Temper tantrum.
He unwinds their fingers to tuck wisps of her hair behind her ear. He shakes his head with a teasing smile tilted in her direction.
Harry
Wanker. He's got bollocks for brains.
Hermione
I thought all men did. Even the gay ones.
Harry
Witch.
Hermione
I got us to smile again, didn't I?
x-x-x
"Severus! We have to stop! I can't…breathe…damn it!"
"Potter you're seventeen! You have energy in abundance!" Severus stopped and Harry doubled over, gasping for much needed air.
"Why the hell are we running anyway?" Harry finally managed to ask when his breathing was not just loud gulps of atmosphere. "They're dead! Merlin's beard they're dead. Clumps of flesh and blood and Godric knows what else was in them, is all that was left like you saw, but they're all gone."
Severus looked towards the direction that they had been running from. All he could see were trees. They had apparated into Hogsmeade and had just kept on running, straight into the Forbidden Forest. The woods were huge and seemed even bigger in every direction. Hogwarts could have been six feet before their eyes and they wouldn't have spotted it. Severus knew however that they were nowhere near the castle yet.
"Don't you think we're far enough?" Harry asked, still glaring.
Severus gave him a look worthy of freezing hell over. "We are not and will possibly never get far enough away for the rest of our lives. But perhaps we can stop here for the evening."
Harry's glare shattered into a chuckle.
"The nightmare's we'll suffer from this will make us wish we had died while we had the chance." His voice had a slight hysterical edge to it but Severus was hardly one to notice.
"How are you feeling?" he asked instead.
"Like I'm dying," Harry responded immediately, with a cheeky grin. "Go on Professor Snape. Tell me I'm hallucinating."
"I am sure that will occur soon enough Potter," Severus responded.
Harry shuffled over to him, hesitating briefly before he wrapped his arms around Severus' shoulder and kissed his professor on the chin.
"Can I still do this now that we're no longer fighting for our lives?" he asked softly.
"From the way you carry on, denial seems to be working to your advantage," Severus chided, but he kissed the mop of black hair on Harry's tilted head. "I have no right to take this back though."
"Feeling guilty for the concussion in October or is this about our more recently escaped predicament?"
"Brat," Severus retorted. "I have never physically hurt you, no matter how many times I've been tempted to. You seem to have something ingrained that leads you straight into pain. Clumsy, irresponsible, foolish Gryffindor."
Harry trailed small kisses along Severus' jaw. He paused when his lips encountered the corner of Severus'. Small acts of comfort were all that they had allowed each other but the professor had been firm in reminding Harry that they had a life to return to and that Harry was still his student.
"Bastard," Harry returned. "Snarky, crabby, irritating Slytherin. Don't think we're just going to erase the past two weeks in the days to come. Or four months ago, for that matter. I'm not letting you go without a fight."
Severus untangled himself from Harry's arms, but he made no move to step back into a respectable distance.
"Careful Potter," he chided. "I have granted you quite a few liberties since then. Don't give me reason to take them away."
"I've never given you reason to do anything to me Professor. You do it all at your own discretion." Harry made a face that didn't quite hide the sadness in his eyes.
Thinking it best to drop the subject, Severus indicated their surroundings with a wide sweep of his hand.
"No wands. We can't build a fire. And since I know that you are no Boy Scout, I suggest that we find some other way to stay warm."
Harry shrugged, looked at the ground around him and decided that where he stood was as good a place as any to find rest for the night. He sat down abruptly, resting his back against one of the many trees.
"Boy Scout?" he finally asked. "You know I'm still amazed that you can surprise me. Almost seven years and I still don't know enough about you."
"What good would that do if everyone could predict my behaviour? That's the problem with all Gryffindors. You are all the same."
He sat down beside Harry. The tree on which they rested gave a loud groan of protest, but made no move to harm them. Severus took that to mean that perhaps they were closer to Hogwarts than they had previously assumed.
Harry shuffled over a little so that he could lay his head on Severus' shoulder.
"They'll find us you know." The statement was so random that Severus took a moment to try and understand.
"Forgive me if I lack faith in your friends."
"They're my best mates Severus," Harry said with a grin. "I have enough faith in them for the two of us. I know that they're looking."
"They haven't found us yet," Severus pointed out.
"Give them time."
They sat in silence. Harry trailed a light path up Severus' arm before abandoning this to lace his fingers between the slender, paler and slightly tinged yellow ones. He resisted the urge to bring them up to his lips to try and steal the warmth held in the fingertips.
"My chest hurts," he whispered. "I think it's the curse."
"There may not have been a curse," Severus responded gruffly, but Harry chose to ignore him. "Go to sleep. You're body needs the rest even if you don't feel tired."
He untangled his fingers from the Quidditch coarsened palms that held them tightly. Harry groaned his displeasure but Severus moved his arms away to the safer position of folding them across his chest.
He felt the kiss at his temple, but chose to ignore it.
A few minutes later he assumed that Harry had taken his suggestion judging by the soft breathing that was being emitted near his ear. Not for the first time, he wished that he had his robe to cover Harry with. He missed his potions. He hated not having his wand.
He sighed softly before wrapping his arms around Harry's waist. Cradling the younger wizard against his chest, he hoped his body heat was enough to keep the cold away. In his arms, Harry snuggled by burying his face at the side of Severus' neck and snaking his arms around Severus' waist.
"I was wrong," the Potions wizard said very softly. "You are not a child. You never were. Perhaps I too needed your unabashed courage."
x-x-x
She is standing by the window as he enters the classroom. She doesn't turn to acknowledge him but he can see the slight droop in her shoulders as he approaches.
Hermione
To see a World in a grain of sand, and a Heaven in a wild flower.
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand, and Eternity in an hour.
He wraps his arm around her waist. She tilts her head back to hold her cheek against his. Below, on the grounds there is a Quidditch practice going on.
Harry
Don't cry Hermione. This isn't the reaction Ron and I expected.
Hermione
Give me a moment to be a girl, for once.
More dampness slides down her face. She allows the tears to fall. He allows her the freedom in them.
Hermione
You're so silly. Both of you.
Harry
We are the hollow men.
Hermione
Where is he?
Harry
Back in our dorm. I told him I'd come look for you.
We didn't expect you to run away crying.
Hermione
You're both so…daft.
Harry
And you love us.
He moves his face to kiss her cheek before returning to their previous position. She sniffles.
Hermione
You two have the most spectacular fights and I just get drawn into them,
and then when you make up it's so bland.
It's as if you've already forgotten what it was you were fighting about.
Harry
We do that too.
Hermione
It means more when the two of you do it.
Is he really okay with you kissing Snape?
Harry
He seems to be. I think we're just tired of always fighting.
We've agreed to disagree if we have to.
Hermione
About time.
She turns away from the bright blue of the sky outside to look into the green of his eyes. She smiles with unshed tears.
Hermione
I'm happy for you.
Harry
You're happy I got a concussion and a rejection all in the same night?
Hermione
No. I'm happy that you got to kiss him.
Harry
How is it this doesn't freak you out?
Hermione
Aren't women supposed to like gay men?
Harry
Two stereotypes in one conversation. I'm amazed Hermione.
She punches him lightly on the arm. He pretends to be hurt. She chuckles then wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him on the cheek. He hugs her tightly.
Harry
I called him 'Severus' and he didn't say I couldn't.
Hermione
Maybe he was shocked or too busy being mean to notice.
Harry
He noticed. He just allowed me.
Hermione
Then maybe all hope is not lost.
Harry
Maybe.
Hermione
One day you'll tell me how this all began.
He laughs softly in her ear. They revel briefly in the silence that they have fallen into.
Harry
I just fell in love with him. His voice first, then the darkness in his eyes and the
way he protects me in such a subtle way that I keep missing it. I love the way he
walks and the way he draws attention whenever he wants to.
Hermione
Two roads diverged in the woods.
I - I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference.
Harry
Exactly.
She kisses the lightning scar on his forehead and he kisses the tip of her nose. They turn to watch the day fade and the sun set on the horizon.
x-x-x
It began with violent trembles, followed by soft sobs that grew a little louder by the minute…and Severus understood that he had been right in thinking that there was no curse.
The sobs grew to painful gasps of air and coughs that shook the trembling form. All the while Severus held him. Harry cried and cried until he felt as if there was a whirlwind inside of him that only seemed to gain strength.
"Not a monster!" Harry whimpered.
But he could see the blood on his hands, dripping red and he screamed in protest. The sound was coarse and raw and animalistic. It seemed to rent the air. It helped. He did it again. And again. Rocking. Sobbing.
The cold eyes of death glared at him from the grave of his mind. He remembered the man. The sixteen year old. The Tom who had been so nice in a diary a long time ago. Harry cried for the person before the dark. For the child who love had wounded and made bereft.
He cried for the boy who had held out a hand in friendship to him and for the choice he had made that day. Because he couldn't have had both. Because Ron and Draco were so different. Because Draco had died without being his friend.
There was a hollow ache in his chest where everyone said he held the gift of love. But he hadn't managed to save everyone. Some had died. He had died with them. He wasn't all love. He wasn't all light.
Some had to die and Harry had chosen to kill them because light and dark could not exist without compromise.
So he cried for the parents he had never known. For the voices he held on tightly to that were just echoes of a wand and a spell. For the bright green light that he had escaped that hid his mother's face and muffled the sound of his father falling.
And he cried for his Snuffles. And his Mooney, who was left with no one now. He cried for what he knew they had never told him they had in each other. Because he knew what it was like to love someone so much that it hurt to be apart.
He caught his tears in his palms and wondered if they were enough to wash the blood away. He wondered if his animagi was a phoenix. Dumbledore was crazy like that. He would probably insist that Harry become a phoenix to heal himself.
To rise from the ashes. To find life through death. To live again.
He buried his tear-covered face into the shoulder of the one person who was there to keep him anchored. He knew then, that there was no going back. He was in love with a man who had once fed on darkness.
He was in love.
Severus held Harry tightly. He tried to kiss the tears that fell like rain from an emerald sky, but they were too pure and they hurt him somewhere deep inside. So instead he kissed the faded zig-zag line and the reddened cheeks and the bridge of Harry's nose.
Harry was not him. Harry did not like the dark. Harry cried when Severus could not remember how to anymore.
Harry was not made of darkness. This gave Severus hope. Maybe he too could heal. Maybe he was not drawn to the power that Harry radiated. Maybe it was just Harry that he couldn't let go of. Maybe…he could admit…that this wizard was his.
He could appreciate the art within the long streaks of pink that marred Harry's naked back from all the whips. But, he could allow himself to acknowledge the anger that the sight of them caused him. He could remember why he gave in to the bruises and the crescent shaped markings on his hips and legs. He would have bargained with the Devil if it had been Harry beneath the taunting hands. He would have returned to the dark to find the vengeance he would have needed.
He would have done what Harry did in retaliation, but he would have liked it. Because unlike Harry, Severus not all light.
But he was not all darkness either and he needed the light that Harry gave to him.
"You did nothing wrong," he whispered, running his fingers through hair that was a different shade of ebony than his.
The howling subsided into ragged breathing and whimpers before finally becoming the silence of tears.
'I…love you,' Severus wanted to whisper…but he didn't.
He couldn't just yet.
"It hurts," Harry said very softly.
"I know," Severus responded. "That too will pass."
Severus held Harry and Harry held Severus. They had been to hell together and helped each other to return. Words were not strong enough to describe their ordeal, so they sat in silence for a moment.
"Dying is an art. Like everything else, I do it exceptionally well," Harry finally quoted softly.
x-x-x
He is standing in the middle of the Quidditch Pitch. The sky is black. There are no stars and the moon did not awaken. She looks at him with worry and tries to coax him to the safety of her outstretched arms. His eyes are sunken, his skin pale. He is hurt more. The only bruise she bears is the one that marks her cheek.
Hermione
Harry come inside. Dumbledore wants us to tell him what happened with the Death Eaters.
He wants to know how they got into Hogsmeade. He wants to make sure that you're okay.
Ron is already inside. Remus and Snape are waiting too. Harry, come here.
She steps towards him. He steps away.
Harry
In a field, I am the absence of field. This is always the case.
Wherever I am I am what is missing.
He stands still as she approaches again. She is crying softly. His tears won't fall. She hugs him anyway. His words are soft enough for her to hear as he finishes the poem.
Harry
When I walk I part the air and always the air moves in to fill the spaces where
my body's been. We all have reasons for moving.
He pulls away. She lets him go. He seems drawn to the lights of the castle before him. He still speaks.
Harry
I move to keep things whole.
She frowns at his words, angrily wiping away her tears, before walking over to him and wrapping her arms around his waist, tilting her head onto his back. She holds him as he struggles in protest.
Hermione
If it's assurance you need then don't be daft Harry. I promise you that no matter what happens,
no matter where you go, Ron and I will find you. We'll make you whole again.
And I may not know Snape half as much as you do, but something tells me
that he didn't spend the past six and a half years saving your life, just to lose you.
Harry
Hermione.
She slides around him to wrap her arms around his neck. Her brown eyes hold him captive to her displeasure.
Hermione
No. Don't protest. Just listen. You love him. So, give him the chance to love
you back. Don't let him push you away. He's good at being cold. He gave up
his identity as a spy to save us tonight. Don't let him regret it.
Harry
Ron is lucky to have you.
Hermione
And you're lucky to have Snape. Don't lose him.
Harry
I don't plan to.
x-x-x
"Headmaster! They're over here!"
If the loud shout had not woken the two wizards, the enthusiastic sparks of orange from Ron's wand was enough to blind them.
"Ron! Where?"
Hermione stumbled into the small clearing where Harry and Severus had been spending the night.
Realizing what was to come next, Harry abandoned his comfort of clinging to Severus and accepted his fate of being clung to by his friends.
"I'm fine," he told them softly.
"That is good to hear Harry." The Headmaster approached the four people with his eyes twinkling and a smile worthy of a unanimous groan. "Severus, are you also well?"
"I am," Severus responded, for the first time drawing attention from Harry's friends.
Noting the way Hermione was shooting the professor a look of intrigue and the weary way that Ron hung back, Dumbledore thought it best to intervene again.
"Gentlemen, your wands." They each accepted it in silence, forgoing the opportunity to question how he had retrieved them. "Come. It will be morning soon. We should return to the castle and allow Poppy to care for you."
The Headmaster walked back in the direction from which he had emerged. Hermione and Ron followed, but Harry did not.
Instead he walked over to where Severus had stood apart from the group.
"Shall we?" he asked softly.
"I don't care to spend another night in the forest Potter," Severus said in what would have seemed to anyone else as a snarl. "So indeed we shall."
Resisting the urge to reach for Severus' hand, Harry smiled as they walked together, side by side.
X-x-X
fin