Go On

Hold on, My Heart

Disclaimer: I own no one!

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Daddy, go out. I'll be fine with Aunty Trish, Uncle Chris and the girls. This can be my birthday present!

Rhiannon's words rang through his head. He couldn't believe how mature she was. She had pushed him out the door with a fully stocked picnic basket, insisting he take Lance.

Rhiannon had never shown any problems towards the fact she had two dads. In fact, she seemed proud of it. The one time he had taken the time to ask her how she felt about it, she had just rolled her eyes and said 'Daddy, having two dads makes me special. I like being special,' She considered Lance one of her dads. The one time Lance had decided to ask why she felt that, she had rolled her eyes, hugged him and simply said ' Because. Papa died when I was little. Since he died, you've been like a father to me.'

Lance glanced across the blanket. He seemed to be deep in thought. John closed his eyes, in an effort to memorize every detail of Lance's face. He wasn't sure why, but he just wanted to do it.

The last time he had ever felt this way about somebody was with Randy. Everything he had experianced with Randy was happening once more.

"You okay?" John asked, closing his eyes. Lance nodded slowly. Opening his mouth, he began to speak.

"This is a new experiance for me. The last time I was on a date was with Darrin. It feels so weird to be seeing someone else. No offense, John." Lance murmured, sipping a glass of wine. John nodded. It was understandable. After all, he felt strange as well.

"Look at the stars. Aren't they pretty?" John asked. Lance leaned back and glanced up. John was right. The stars seemed especially gorgeous. "You know, some people say stars are the souls of people gone before their time," Lance nodded. He had heard the same thing.

"John, I'm afraid," Lance blurted out. John looked at him. Unsure of what to say, he nodded, just listened. "I haven't felt like this in a long time. I'm afraid if I let my heart off guard, you're going to leave or die. I'm afraid to take that risk," John nodded.

There was so much he wanted to tell Lance. He wanted to tell Lance that nothing in life is certain. Things can change in an instant. You can be here one minute and gone the next. Because of that, you should live life to the fullest.

He wanted to tell Lance that love was the greatest emotion in the world. It was special.

Instead, he looked at Lance and slowly murmured the words that would break his heart.

"Maybe, we're not as ready as we thought we were. I know what you're feeling. You're afraid of putting your heart on the line, you feel as if you're betraying the one you lost, you're wondering if life will ever go back to normal, and if you'll ever be able to love as fully as you once did,"

"I don't know!" Lance exclaimed, his voice growing louder. "I just don't know," Then, he sighed. "Come over here," John stood up, and moved beside Lance. The other man gently slipped his arm around John's waist. "It scares me how deeply I love you. The last time I felt this way, I met Darrin. I had to watch him suffer for six years. I don't want to love that deeply, only to lose you again,"

"Me, too. What can I say?" John murmured, leaning into Lance's arms. His heart was impatient, which influenced his mind. "Lance, I don't plan on going anywhere any time soon," Lance sighed. Why couldn't John understand? They had both been through the same situation! Why was John so naive?

It wasn't that John was naive. He was far from it, in fact. He knew exactly how Lance felt. He felt the exact same way. Yet, he didn't want the feelings to influence him. He wanted to experiance love again.

"Would you like to take this slowly?" John asked, squeezing Lance's hand. Slowly, Lance nodded, returning the squeeze.

"Yes. Is that alright?" Lance asked.

"Of course!" John exclaimed. Then, he looked to Lance. "May I kiss you?" Lance closed his eyes and struggled not to snicker.

"So much formality," he said, grinning. Cupping John's face, he gently pressed his lips to his. Every emotion Lance had just desribed was enclosed in that kiss. Love, fear, uncertainty. There was a new emotion as well.

Hope.

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Alright, in case you're curious about the chapter title, when I was typing this, I was listening to Launchcast and 'Hold On My Heart' by Genesis was playing. I don't know. The title seemed right!

JenLea

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