The Real Big Iron Survivor Show
From the Brains of
Thing ONe and Thing TWo
A.N: This story takes place during season four of Angel when everyone was the most pissed-off at each other. All events up to and including most of Habeas Corpses have taken place.
Disclaimer: All belongs to Joss, he of the big, wicked brain. The Real World, Big Brother, Iron Chef, Survivor, and The Truman Show all belong to their respective creators.
Angel and Connor were yelling at each other about what a bad father Angel was and how uncontrollable Connor could be.
Fred and Gunn were yelling at each other about how Fred didn't love him anymore and how over-reactive Gunn was.
Cordelia and Wesley were yelling at each other for no real reason. It's just that everyone else was arguing, and they felt left out.
Another normal day at the Hyperion.
Even the fact that they were being pulled through a huge portal that had opened in the middle of the room didn't faze them in the slightest.
"You're such a hypocrite! Always telling me to be the good one despite the fact you killed people for hundreds of years!"
"It's not a crime for me to talk to Wes, you know! I don't think he's gonna kidnap me if I just say 'hi'!"
"And furthermore, why did you kidnap Connor in the first place?!"
They probably would've gone on like this for years if it weren't for the fact that the place they'd been transported to was pitch black dark.
"What's going on?"
"Well, we seem to be in the dark."
"I figured that out. Let me see if I can find a light."
"Ow! Wes, that was my foot."
"Sorry Fred."
A new voice joined the crowd. "What our six competitors don't know is that they've all been transferred from human Los Angeles to here, Arash Ma'har."
Wesley, Fred, and Connor all immediately said "The demon dimension?" though they were drowned out by Angel, Cordelia, and Gunn yelling "What the hell is going on?"
"Damn it, I thought we rendered them immobile." The voice said. "Cut!"
Suddenly, all the lights came on in the room. Where the lights were coming from, exactly, was hard to say, as the room was entirely black with no visible fixtures. Floating three feet in the air above them was a young woman with curly brown hair and a mean expression.
"You're messing up everything!" She hissed. "This is a live feed too! Now don't say anything until I give you the cue." She looked to the back of the room where someone said. "We'll have to start from the beginning. We're live in three, two"
"What's the cue?" Fred asked.
"When I stop talking! Now shut up!" The woman growled. Fred shrunk back.
"One, and go!" The lights went dark again, save for the one on the woman.
"Welcome, to the Big Real Iron Survivor Show. I'm your host Glenda Giannetti. Just moments ago we summoned these three humans, one higher being, one vampire, and a," she glanced at Connor, "Well, we're still not sure what he is.
"What our six players don't know is why they're here. And, what a coincidence, neither do you, the viewer. So let me explain the rules of the game. We're putting these six into one house to live for the next four months. There was already resentment brewing amongst the ranks, and living in these closely confined quarters may bring them together, or tear them even farther apart."
"Well," Cordelia said, waiting for Glenda to jump her. When she didn't, Cordy continued, "We all spend so much time together in the hotel anyway. I don't think that this will be much of a change."
Glenda smiled. "Good point, Miss. Chase. That's why we've come up with these sleeping arrangements." Everyone groaned. "In room number 1, we have Angel, Cordelia, and Connor." All three looked murderous. "And in room number 2, it's Gunn, Fred, and Wesley." Wesley and Gunn glared at each other, while Fred wore an expression of deep worry.
"Now, the bedrooms aren't what make up the entirety of this house (though the producers wish they did). It also comes with a fully equipped training room," Everyone cheered up at that, "A full library, though all the books on how to get out of a reality show have been destroyed. Except for that, you can find every book in the world there."
At the same time, Fred and Wesley both asked, "Can we just sleep in the library?" Gunn glared.
"Ooh, people are getting angry already. Great start!" Glenda giggled. "And also, there is a huge kitchen, filled with everything you need to make a nine course meal."
Everyone looked at each other. "Does anyone know how to make a one course meal?" Connor asked.
Glenda's smile grew even wider. After letting off an evil giggle, she continued. "There will be challenges, of course. Physical and mental. Old friends will show up, and you'll be forced to bond with your greatest enemy."
She turned back towards what they guessed were the cameras. "Be sure to stay on this channel to see the history of these roommates, and then thirty minutes from now, the official start of the Big Real Iron Survivor Show. We'll see you then." She held the smile for a minute, until someone yelled "Cut!"
Glenda turned to look at them. "Wipe that 'deer in the headlights' look off your faces. You'll live." Her voice didn't sound as polished now, and had a definite cockney edge to it.
"Hey," asked Connor, "You said we were in Arash Ma'har." Glenda nodded, taking a pause to light a cigarette. "Isn't that the dimension where demons are created?"
"Yeah, but no worries. All of you are still in the same screwed-up states you were when you got here." Glenda assured them, "We chose to bring you here because it's a central location, and it was the easiest portal opening."
"Well, not really." Wesley started to explain, "There are many other dimensions that are easier to get into. For Blest all you have to do is go into a trance, and for Thule-"
"Let me explain myself," Glenda interrupted. "It was the easiest, cheapest way to bring you here that would provide the best effects. Now, for truly easy transportation, let me take you to your house."
As she said this, Glenda snapped her fingers and the black melted away into a brightly decorated living room.
"Lemme show you around." She said. "This is the living room. There's a television, but you can only play movies on it. But just in case Miss. Brainiac over here," she stares pointedly at Fred, "wants to try re-wiring it, we've put magical controls on it to keep it from showing any programs from your world."
It was a nice enough set up. A few couches and chairs strewn about, all upholstered in hideously bright colors. In fact, it seemed like everything in the house was garishly intense. From the chairs in the dining room ("See, the bright green sets off the loud tones of the pink"), to the 'make-your-eyes-bleed' carpeting in the halls, everything was too colorful. After a brief tour of the kitchen, where they were introduced to the ghost who haunted the pantry, Glenda looked at them with a smile.
"So, now we're on to the bedrooms!" Everyone groaned. Glenda continued to talk over them, "Now, all of your clothes have been sent over, along with any other personal items. They were organized by that good friend of yours, Krevlornswath, and he-"
"Lorne!" Angel yelled. "I knew he would have something to do with this."
"Simmer down, Gloomy Avenger," Glenda sighed. "He didn't orchestrate this. The producers and I spent a long time looking for the perfect people for this show. You were suggested to us by the Powers That Be." She paused while everyone did a double take. "Unfortunately, they don't want to see you all self-destruct. They were hoping that this would bring you together. For the record, that doesn't up the ratings, so feel free to be as bitchy as you want." She gave them all another glowing smile. "Now, onto these bedrooms."
They went through the door on the left. "Fred, Gunn, and Wes will be sleeping in here." She said. All three avoided each other's eyes. There were three large beds. One with hot pink sheets, one with Tiffany's blue, and one with leprechaun green. "Why don't you go ahead and stake out your claim."
At the same time, Wesley and Gunn yelled, "Fred gets the pink one!"
Fred groaned. "Fine. Anything to keep the fighting down."
Gunn immediately ran over to the Slightly More Manly green bed. Wesley just rolled his eyes and said, "I guess I'll be sleeping in the blue one."
Glenda said, "Well, you can stay here and get acquainted with the room, while I take the others-"
"We're coming with you!" Gunn, Wesley, and Fred said at the same time. None of them were anxious to be in the room alone together.
The other room was much the same, but with different colored beds. Cordelia opened the closet. "Well," she said, "At least Lorne sent all of my favorite clothes."
They tramped back out to the living room again. "Well, you'll be going on air in about" Glenda checked her watch, "Ten minutes. For the past twenty minutes, they've been showing the E! True Hollywood Story profiles of all of you. And then, welcome to your life on film for the next four months. Any questions?"
"Yeah," Cordelia asked. "This may be because I'm preg- I mean, pretty upset about this, but does it seem hot to you in here, or is it just me?"
"It is uncomfortably warm." Wesley stated.
"Maybe we should open a window?" Connor asked, looking around.
"Guys?" Fred said. "There are no windows."
They all turned to look at Glenda. "That's right. No windows. No outside doors. Limited air conditioning."
"We're already in hell, why add to it?" Angel asked menacingly.
"The hotter it is, the larger chances there'll be for nudity." Said Glenda simply. "Is that it for questions?" Everybody nodded. They seemed to be in shock. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow." Then she disappeared in a puff of scented blue smoke.
Nobody said anything for a minute. Finally, Angel said, "I think the first thing we need to do is find a way out of this."
"I'll go through the books to see if anything was missed." Wesley added.
"Good, and then we can get back to L.A. and-"
"Kill Lorne for helping with this?" Cordelia asked.
"Great idea, and then we-"
"Stop working for the Powers that Be and give into the Dark Side?" Gunn said.
"I'm liking that plan."
From above, they heard a voice. "Nice try." It was Glenda. "You're just going to have to grin and bear it. You're on in five, four, three, two, one."
"Showtime."