Title: Forgive Me

Author: hezziebob182

Rating: T

Summary: Common Threads- how it could have been. Chapter 2 up!

Chapter 2: Regrets

Disclaimer: I don't own Joan Of Arcadia. :( Pretty please don't sue me!

AN: No, I'm not gonna deal with Ryan in this chapter. I decided A/J was enough. Plus it's kinda hard!

Joan sat in the waiting room of the hospital and tried to collect together her scattered thoughts into something that vaguely resembled sense.

When he was out there I knew I loved him and that hasn't changed. I wanted to see him and hold him more than anything on this earth and if anything had happened to him or if he had done anything to hurt himself… I don't know if I would have been able to go on living. So does that mean I should have him back? I'm expected to just forget about what he did to me? What he did with Bonnie… that's a level we never connected on and I'm more reluctant to take that step with him now than ever before.

Joan murmured slightly, "No…" and attracted a few strange looks.

What are you looking at!

She thought about taking that step.

No, that's not an option; but what about Adam? He deserves someone who can give him everything he needs. If we get back together those needs won't change…

Joan was interrupted.

"Joan?"

"Leave me alone okay? I don't wanna here it! I don't want your help when it comes to Adam!"

"I'm sorry dear, he was asking for you," the nurse looked mortified. "Shall I tell him no?"

"Oh… sorry. Yes, I mean no. Yes I'd like to see him."

Joan was once again left feeling awful from the mistake she made so often.

I really need to talk to God about some kind of codeword or something. He's God, surely he doesn't want me to offend people like that!

Joan went pushed through the doors to find Adam, unwillingly inhaling the smell of hospitals that always made her sick. She replayed what the nurse had said back in her mind to find the room. She turned the last corridor and froze. It was her room. The one she had stayed in almost a year ago when everyone was telling her she was 'sick'. The room she had lay in and watched as God had faded in out of her consciousness, silent yet screaming in her ears. The room where she had risked everything and told Adam about God, only to have it thrown back in her face.

What had he said? "I believe that you believe," something like that.

Not one day had gone by since then when Joan hadn't thought about what her life might be like if he had believed her. When she came back that summer he had tried to understand, tried to find a way of believing her but it had been too late. The part of her that had had the courage to share that with him was buried, buried so deep she wasn't sure she could ever dig it up.

"Hey Adam."

"Hey." Adam sounded sick. His voice was husky and strained, not unlike Joan's.

"Are you alright? What did the doctor say?"

"I'm fine. I just need to keep warm, drink stuff, whatever. It's just the same as a regular cold. I can go home tomorrow."

"They're keeping you in overnight?"

"It's just a precaution Jane. Are you okay?"

"Yeah."

"What about…"

Joan interrupted. "It can wait until your home, I'm not going anywhere."

She meant it. That night she fell asleep on a chair at Adam's bedside. Joan considered that if it had been just a few weeks ago she would have thought nothing of curling up next to him.

Things change.

Meanwhile Grace had stayed at the Girardi's. Assured that Adam was just fine they had put popcorn in the microwave and fallen asleep in each other's arms on a sofa halfway through the movie at four o'clock in the morning.

Joan awoke in a cold sweat with a thumping headache and rasping breath. She knew what she had dreamt; she had been out in the woods screaming for Adam again. She could see him and was running towards him but with every pace she ran he moved further back until she couldn't see him anymore.

Calm down. It was a dream. You're safe; he's safe. It's all okay.

Joan went and sat at the end of Adam's bed. She had never seen him sleep before; he had always woken before her. She placed a hand tenderly on his forehead.

Good, his fever's come down.

He looked so innocent, so helpless. Seeing him like this made her want to gather him up in a huge hug and make everything better.

If only it were that easy.

Adam woke up to find Joan gazing at him. At first he thought he was dreaming about her like he did most nights, then he remembered everything that had happened through the past twenty-four hours. He remembers the argument and the trail and the weather and getting lost and finding his way back and Jane. He remembers how he just looked up and found her in front of him, remembers how she leapt to hug him and how they had kissed. So many kisses. Her hair had smelt of apple shampoo. He realises Joan's hand is on his forehead and looks up at her in question.

Joan pulls her hand back and looks down at the floor.

"Did you um, sleep okay? Your fever's almost gone."

"Yeah I slept okay. Thanks for staying with me."

"It's alright. I'm gonna go and speak to someone about when you can leave, your dad wants to see you anyway."

Grace woke up with her head resting on Luke's chest.

What the…! Oh. Oh yeah. You fell asleep watching a movie. That's all. All you have to do is get upstairs to Joan's room without waking Luke.

Grace looked up to find Luke smiling down at her.

Too late. Aww, he looks so happy.

"Hey. Morning sleepy."

Grace punched him swiftly in the arm.

"Morning Grace. Sorry."

"How many times geek? It's Grace or nothing! Um… how long have you been awake?"

"Long enough. You look so sweet when you sleep. I didn't want to wake you."

Grace blushed. "Really pushing it dude!" Grace couldn't help but smile. She got up to boil water for coffee.

Luke gets up and gets mugs out. "Whatever Grace," he says, pulling her in to kiss her neck.

"Seriously freak, I've not had any coffee yet! The making out can wait."

"Are you sure?"

"Okay, five more minutes." Grace pulls Luke back down to the sofa.

Joan followed Adam down to shed after arriving at his house.

"Are you sure you don't need to lie down or anything?"

"I'm fine Jane. Stop asking. I'm halfway through a piece for tomorrow, I need to keep working."

Joan scanned the shed, taking in all the artwork that surrounded the walls and every available surface. This was as close to Adam as she could be, looking at his work. They showed the feelings and thoughts and experiences he never talked about and in some ways it was more revealing than a diary. They had shared so many things in that shed. Her eyes froze on a new painting. It showed Adam close up with her herself reflected in his eyes. A single tear rolled down the side of his face and the background was pitch black.

Adam's eyes followed hers to the painting. He jumped up and tried to hide it but it was too late. He looked into her eyes and saw love and devotion and pain and suffering and hope. Adam couldn't stand to realise just how much he had put her through. He opened his mouth to say something; anything to break the silence but the words wouldn't come.

"I…I'm…you weren't… I'm so sorry Jane. It's killing me I'm so sorry."

"I know you're sorry. It's not enough Adam; you mean so much to me. Talk to me; tell me how it happened, why, what I did to make you do that. Please Adam, I need to know!"

"Jane I… I don't know how it happened. I went to her house to look at some work, you and I had fallen out or something, I can't remember…"

Joan let out a loud sob. "Don't stop."

"Jane please, you didn't to anything. I was selfish and stupid and low and it didn't mean anything. Ok so maybe it did mean something but if this," Adam put his thumb and his index finger together leaving the smallest possible space, "Was what I did with Bonnie, then this," He spread his arms out as far as they could go, "Is what you always have meant to me and always will. You're my whole world Jane."

Joan sobbed again. "Was it good? Did you enjoy it? Was it worth it?"

Adam tried his best to hold back his tears. "No it wasn't! It was the worst mistake I've ever made. With us… it would have been so special Jane. It wasn't special and it wasn't worth it and every second since it last happened I've hated myself for it."

"Adam, I… You never told me that. You could have told me."

"I know. When I was out there in the woods, I didn't know if I was gonna come back. I kept thinking about how I didn't deserve to be alive any more. About how if you didn't love me… then it wasn't worth it anyway." He couldn't control himself anymore, he cried, ashamed of what he had done and ashamed that he couldn't tell Joan how he felt without falling to pieces.

"Oh Adam…" She wrapped her arms around him and rocked him backward and forth.

"Shh, please don't cry. I do love you, more than you'll ever know. I know how sorry you are. I don't know if I can forgive you but I can try. Do you… do you want us to get back together?"

Adam stepped back, staring at Joan is shock.

"Are you saying…?"

Joan nodded slowly, as if she was working out the answer herself. She pulled Adam in for a kiss. And another. And another.

"I couldn't live without you either. I missed you so much. Nobody could ever make me feel the way you do."

"Jane?"

"Yes…?" She gave him another kiss.

"Are you sure?"

"Completely. Just don't expect me to do um…stuff until I'm one-hundred per-cent sure."

"I'd rather die waiting."

Maybe to be continued… Maybe not…

I can't decide if it's finished or not. Please help me decide. And review please! Thanks. Rock on, Hezzie x x x