~ Troy ~
Odysseus: Is somebody writing this down?
The audience points at Homer.
Battlefield - Bumfucknowhere
Agamenmon: This is our establishing battle, but we don't want to waste all our extras, so here's the plan – you pick one sacrificial lamb and I'll send in my ringer. Deal?
King of Thessaly: Deal. (Turns to his army) Oafus Brutius.
Thessalian Army: Oafus! Oafus! Oafus!
The army parts like the Red Sea and Oafus appears. He's right out of central casting – big and dumb, having apparently left whatever brains he had back home in Thessaly.Oafus: This better not take long, I've got another maiming at three.
Agamemnon: This is gonna be easier than I thought. ACHILLEEEEEES!
Tent of local babes
Boy: Achilles, wake up.
Achilles: Look, kid, a red scrap of fabric tied to the tent flap means I'm nailing your mom … and your aunt. Fuck off.
Battlefield - Bumfucknowhere
Achilles finally shows up after going another *round* with the two local babes.Agamemnon: It's about fucking time.
Achilles: You're lucky I showed up at all, the benefits package in this army sucks.
Achilles fights Oafus who conveniently has a target tattooed on his neck. As expected, Oafus dies.
Menelaus' place, Sparta
MENELAUS: Mumbles something, but nobody pays attention – least of all Paris who's making eyes at Helen.
Helen's bedroom – two minutes later. Paris enters and locks the door.
Helen (trying to hide her disappointment that it's not Hector): Oh.
Paris (mistaking that for an invitation – because he's stupid as well as horny): Let's do our part for world peace.
Helen allows Paris to undress her and lower her to the bed, then begins fantasizing about Hector.
Hector's ship – the next day
Paris: Okay, don't get pissed.
Hector: What did you do *this* time?
They go below deck where Helen emerges from the shadows.
Helen: Surprise.
Hector: Thanks for nothing. This is just like the time you got me a Temple Prostitute for my birthday. You know I have to leave my balls with Andromache whenever I leave Troy.
There goes Helen's fantasy about Troy's heir apparent.Agamemnon's palace, Mycenae
Menelaus: After I'd plowed through all the serving wenches, I went looking for my wife and discovered she'd run off with a younger man. The nerve.
Agamemnon: Cool. I was looking for an excuse to invade Troy.
Achilles' Institute of Swordplay
Odysseus: Achilles, your mom is hot.
Achilles: It's a good thing I'm busy teaching Patroclus how to be a man or I'd kick your ass for that comment.
Odysseus refrains from commenting about Achilles' sexuality. Instead he asks if Achilles wants to join Agamemnon's latest crusade.
Achilles: Fuck no.
Odysseus: Do you want your last fight to go down in the history books as killing some doofus named Oafus?
Achilles: Gimme five minutes to pack a few toiletries – I never know when I might run into a virginal Temple Priestess who needs deflowering.
Patroclus: Can I go? I wanna die pointlessly.
Achilles: If you get killed, I can forget future invitations to the annual family picnic.
Tidepool
Achilles: Mom, I saw Patroclus peeing in there earlier, please do my laundry in the other tidepool.
Thetis: Well, that explains why all the fish are dead.
Achilles: Odysseus wants me to go fight the Trojans, can I?
Thetis: Did you finish your chores?
Achilles: There's one more goat to milk.
Thetis: You know the rules. I'll have to hire someone to help around here and it's going to be expensive seeing as how you won't be coming back.
Achilles: But I'm Achilles.
Thetis: Hey, we've all gotta go some time. But on the bright side you'll be remembered forever.
Achilles: Whoop-de-do.
Welcome Home Parade, Troy
Housewives of Troy: Oh goody, another foreign slut.
Helen: I don't think they like me.
Paris: Just ignore the 'Helen go home' signs.
Hector (collects addresses and panties of local tempting young wenches)
Later at Dad's palace
Priam (to Helen): Wanna be left in a will?
Briseis: I'm still a virgin because my cousins are the only two men around here who don't believe in incest.
Coastline of Troy
Achilles' ship arrives first so he can make a grand entrance. (It's in Brad Pitt's contract) In a hurry to use the toilet in the Apollo temple, Sabretooth, I mean Ajax, tosses one of the oarsmen on his ship overboard because instead of making that man row faster, he'd rather do it himself.
Meanwhile on the good ship Achilles' Ego
Patroclus: I'm gonna hit the first thing I see.
Achilles: Stay here and guard the ship.
Patroclus: Oh yeah – this is gonna be a fun trip.
Eudorus: Shouldn't we wait for the others?
Achilles: I thought all the pussies were on Agamemnon's ship.
Eudorus: Can we at least do that way cool turtle thing with our shields?
Achilles: Let's wait until half the men are killed. It's more dramatic that way.
Eudorus: Okay – just so long as I'm not in that half.
Half the Myrmidons don't even make it out of the ship before biting the big one. The turtle thing is eventually employed and what's left of the crew charge up the beach.
Temple of Apollo Inexplicably Located Outside the Impenetrable City Walls
Achilles: Okay men – go in there and fuck this place up good.
Eudorus: Isn't Apollo one of our gods as well?
Achilles: So?
Eudorus: Might not be a good idea to piss off one of our gods. Just a thought.
Achilles proceeds to vandalize the temple.
Eudorus: My wife told me to stop playing with you, but did I listen…nooooooooo.
Hector: That's our temple you're defiling.
Achilles spears one of Hector's men.
Hector: Missed me.
Eudorus: Stop toying with him or I'll kill him myself.
Achilles: No, let him go. I'm not supposed to kill him until later in the movie at a more dramatic moment. (To Hector) Go home and bang your wife.
Later in Agamemnon's tent
Agamemnon: When you were looting the temple you missed this little prize.
Greek soldiers enter with a bruised, but still babelicious Briseis.
Achilles: (ode to Wayne's World) Schwing.
Later at the Gates of Troy
Agamemnon: Return Helen to Menelaus or we're gonna kick your asses.
Hector: Hello! Impenetrable city here.
Paris: How about Menelaus and I settle this ourselves.
Hector: 50,000 Greeks spoiling for a fight and NOW you decide you wanna try and be a man?
Agamemnon (to Menelaus): You better not accept this deal. I came here to conquer Troy. Everyone else in the known world is kissing my ass except these wankers and that's unacceptable.
Menelaus: Look, I kick his pretty boy ass, then we renege and fight them anyway.
Agamemnon: Ah yes, the usual strategy.
Menelaus and Paris square off. A minute later Paris gets a scratch and crawls to his brother.
Hector: Get back in the fight; you're embarrassing the family.
Paris (cries): But I've got a boo-boo.
Helen: I'm so dumping his candy ass.
When it becomes apparent that Paris isn't going to finish the fight, Hector once again bails out his little brother and kills Menelaus.
Later that evening on a rock overlooking the battlefield
Achilles (points at Greeks): Look at those morons charging straight up to the Trojan archers. Who taught them strategy?
Eudorus: This coming from someone who didn't do the turtle thing until *after* we'd lost half our men.
Down on the battlefield.
Greeks are dropping like flies.
Odysseus: Change of plans, men. We're not doing the sacrificial lamb bit anymore.
Men: Now he tells us.
Agamemnon's tent
Odysseus: Achilles sent me to get the temple babe.
Agamemnon: While I didn't defile her myself, I gave her to the men.
Horny Greek soldiers: Who gets to take point with the temple babe?
Achilles: I do.
Achilles proceeds to kick ass and then hauls Briseis back to his own tent. They bicker. There's some foreplay that involves a knife and then they do *it*.
Menelaus' funeral pyre
Agamemnon: I will avenge thee, brother.
Odysseus: Now we no longer have to worry about getting Helen back, I thought we'd just go home.
Agamemnon: Still don't get the actual plan, do you?
Meanwhile at Priam's
Apart from being the face that launched a thousand ships, apparently Helen's a doctor too as she sews up Paris' flesh wound.
Paris: Are you sure Tylenol hasn't been invented yet?
Achilles' tent – the morning after the loving
Briseis: I can just picture it now.
Achilles: How beautiful our kids are gonna be?
Briseis: No – the fan fic that this pairing is gonna generate.
Meanwhile ~
Hector: Hit 'em with everything we've got boys!
Flaming arrows and tumbleweeds are pushed off the cliff onto the Greek's Tent City by the Sea. Naturally, the Greeks don't take this well and a fight breaks out. Hector stabs Achilles, who keels over dead.
Myrmidon: Uh, guys – I think he's really dead.
His helmet is removed and … it's Patroclus.
Hector: Whoops.
Achilles' tent
Eudorus: 'Er… remember when you said if anything happened to Patroclus that you'd no longer be invited to family functions? Well, let's just say you'll be spending the holidays at my house.
Patroclus' funeral pyre
Achilles: I will avenge thee cousin.
Briseis: I guess there's no point in sneaking back to the city to warn my cousin – so I'll just stay here and shag Achilles.
Beneath Priam's palace
Hector: When the shit hits the fan, I want you to take our son and a couple hundred of the extras playing Trojan citizens and flee.
Andromache: But what about you, love of my life?
Hector: I have to stay here and be killed by Achilles – then to add insult to injury he'll drag my carcass up and down in front of the city walls.
Achilles: HECTOR!
Hector wets his toga. Eventually he goes outside, they duke it out. Hector dies and as predicted gets dragged off behind Achilles' chariot.
Priam: Bastard!
Achilles' tent – later that night
Achilles: Let me guess, you're not a Jehovah's Witness?
Priam: I am Priam, King of Troy.
Achilles: How'd you get past my men?
Priam: Don't you think I know my own land? Well, that and everyone's asleep. You might want to give a refresher course on Guard Duty 101.
Briseis: Uncle Priam!
Priam: We thought you were dead.
Achilles: I guess that means you're leaving?
Briseis: Uh.
Priam loads Hector's body into a chariot (a loaner from the Greeks?) Achilles and Briseis exchange forlorn looks as the chariot pulls away. Achilles is mad that now he'll have to spend the rest of this campaign masturbating.
Agamemnon's tent – the next morning
Achilles: I gave the Trojan's a 12-day cease-fire for Hector's funeral.
Agamemnon: You're the one who dragged his body up and down the coastline and *now* you decide to show some respect?
Odysseus observes one of the men carving a wooden horse and hits on an idea. Meanwhile, the Trojans are lighting the fire under Hector's funeral pyre. It's amazing there was enough wood left in the area to build a gigantic wooden horse.
Trojan beach – post funeral services
Priam: Guess they got bored and went home, but they left this ominous-looking horse-shaped structure.
Paris: It's an eyesore. I'll get a match.
Priam: I have a better idea – let's bring it inside the impenetrable walls of our city.
Paris: And he thinks I'm a moron.
Troy – later that night
The citizens are celebrating the Greeks apparent retreat and eventually fall into drunken stupors. The Greeks, who were hidden in the horse, climb out of it and kill everyone they stumble across. Then they open the main gates letting in what's left of their army. The Greeks proceed to torch the city and widespread panic ensues.
Priam's palace
Paris (to Andromache): Even though I wasn't privy to the conversation, I know my brother told you to take people into the tunnels – so now's a good time.
Paris then gives his father's sword to some random extra.
Kid: Cool. I can't wait until E-Bay's invented.
Elsewhere in the palace Achilles is running around trying to find Briseis – because he's fallen in love. The audience is either rolling their eyes or 'oohing and aahing' at this point. The Greeks meanwhile are desecrating the place.
Priam: Hey, that's my stuff.
Priam gets stabbed…and dies in a dramatic, straining for an Academy Award kind of performance.
Agamemnon grabs Briseis, who kills him because this script isn't being faithful to Homer's story. Achilles and Briseis are reunited and then Paris ruins it by plugging Achilles with an arrow in the one spot that his mother didn't dunk in the River Styx. Achilles dies.
Achilles' funeral pyre
Odysseus: Well, that's one way of getting out of a possible sequel.
THE END