It's dangerous to feel sad on a rainy day. Tohma told me this once when I was bummed out over a girl that dumped me, and I think back on it now as I wish I had someone with me to share this wisdom with. I stare glumly at the cloudy sky for a few minutes when the phone rings. As if he could read my mind, it's Tohma, asking if I want to come over to work on a new song tonight. We were so full of enthusiasm back then. Work didn't end when we left the studio, but continued throughout the night, threading together the very fabric of our lives. I feel my spirits instantly buoy at the sound of his voice, and dash over to his house without delay.
Later that night we are reclining in the plush leather chairs in Tohma's basement. He has it set up like some sort of discrete nightclub, complete with a bar and stage, where we had been jamming for several hours. Tohma is resting beside me with his eyes closed, the drink in his hand temporarily forgotten. I study his face as if I've never seen it before. Everything about my best friend is so deceptively delicate. Hair as soft as filtered daylight, presently plastered to his forehead with beads of sweat. His closed lids are so paper thin I wonder if I stood over him, would I be able to see right through them into his eyes? I drink in his small frame, the pale curve of his neck… I swear I can see his pulse fluttering there, like a captured butterfly struggling to escape. Finally my eyes trail down to his hands. The way his fingers curve around the glass. The way the condensed water is glistening on his fingertips. The way he is unconsciously moving his hand, ever so slowly, up and down the sides of the glass. I know I am not imagining this because he leaves a trail where the beads of water have been wiped off. I lick my lips as I watch his shining fingers move up and down. His gentle breathing becomes a roaring in my ears, so loud I jerk in shock when his movements stop and the sound of his voice shatters the spell I have been under.
"Oh I'm sorry Ryuichi… did I fall asleep on you? Think we should call it a night then?"
Not trusting my voice to respond, I flash a wide grin and nod in agreement.
On the walk home I breathe in the smell of wet pavement and moving clouds. It is a smell that makes me feel full to the brim with life, while at the same time making my mind so empty I can think more clearly then I have been able to in a long while.
This was the night I knew, Sensei. This was the moment I realized that I was in love with Tohma Seguchi.
XXX
The clock on the doctor's desk is getting on my nerves. The silence would be perfect if not for the jarring staccato of its ticking.
"It's perfectly normal to be in love, Sakuma-san. This is nothing to be ashamed of."
This one is by far the most un-shiny of the doctors I have ever talked to. When did I say anything about being ashamed? Not the brightest light bulb in the pack, that's for sure.
Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick
I struggle to suppress my annoyance and keep my voice light and carefree.
"I was very happy to discover that I was in love with Tohma. In fact, I couldn't wait to see him at work the next day and tell him how I felt."
"Very good. Expressing your feelings is essential in maintaining healthy relationships."
I wince. Luckily the wide brim of the hat I am wearing shadows my expressions. I know these lines so well I could become a psychiatrist myself, and a better one than the lady sitting across from me at that! At least -I-wouldn't have a freaking clock on my desk that is so bloody loud my patients can't hear themselves think!
"So tell me about the next day. Did you speak to Seguchi the way you had planned?"
"I don't want to talk about this anymore. It's time for me to go now. Give me Kumagoro back!"
"Sakuma-san we still have half an hour before your time is up, and you know we have an agreement about checking your bunny at the door."
Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick
Why did Tohma think this doctor was any better than the others? Anyone who tries to come between a man and his only comfort has got to be bad news. I push myself off the couch and walk purposefully towards her desk. She studies me curiously with unblinking eyes. Like watching a caged bear, wondering what trick it is going to perform next. In one swift movement I pick up the heavy desk clock and throw it at the wall with all my might.
"Well -I- say our time is up."
With that I stalk out of the room, sweeping Kumagoro into my arms as I pass the reception desk.
Outside the sudden glare of the sun attacks me. I shield my eyes and look for Ken with my limo but then realize he won't be coming for another half hour.
I hear the door swing open behind me.
Footsteps coming closer.
'They can't make me go back in there!'
I try to walk down the steps to the parking lot at a relaxed pace but my heart is racing ahead of me.
'If I turn around they will catch me. I can't look back!'
The sound of an engine revving up startles me out of my panicked thoughts. There is a kid on a motorcycle a few feet away, motioning for me to get on. Without thinking I slide on behind him, pausing only to tuck Kumagoro gently into the helmet he passes me before securing it on my head. Finally we are off and it is safe to look around.
The footsteps led their owner to a car where he leisurely got in and drove away in the opposite direction.
"Thanks for saving me" I whisper huskily in the boy's ear.
At least, I -tried- to whisper huskily, but the roaring of the wind and the sea of traffic around us made whispering rather difficult.
I take a deep breath to attempt to shout my thanks to him when I inhale a bug and spend the next few minutes coughing and sputtering. When I feel ready to look up again I realize we are pulling in to my apartment.
'How did he know where I live? Who is this kid anyways?'
We glide to a stop and he cuts the motor, then turns to stare at me through the tinted visor of his helmet.
The silence is deafening.
I swing myself off awkwardly and ask Kuma what I should say to the boy, but my friend's voice is muffled for some reason.
The rider jumps easily off his bike and walks towards me mutely. I step back when he reaches for me but relax when he only unfastens my helmet and removes it carefully.
'Why is there still a weight on my head?'
'Oh Kuma, there you are.'
I pull him down and hug him tightly. Now I can be the Ryuichi I know this boy wants to see.
I flash a huge smile and lunge forward to yank off his helmet to thank him properly, when someone grabs my shoulder from behind.
"Ryuichi! You have -got- to stop running out of your appointments. The doctor called me and said you threw a temper tantrum, as well as a very expensive desk clock of hers. You know you make Kumagoro very disappointed with that sort of behaviour."
I whip around to stare into a pair of icy blue eyes that I know too well.
"Kuma-chan wouldn't -know- what I did because they took him away from me! Why do you make me go to mean people like that all the time K-san?"
His eyes narrow but I can see how they soften at the sound of desperation in my voice.
"Don't worry. I'll talk to them before your next appointment. They won't take Kuma away from you anymore." With that he guides me into the apartment with his arm firmly around my back. I lean into the warm strength it provides and breath in his scent. K-san smells like evergreens and leather, like a ranger fighting through the wilderness alone… and winning. Yes, my manager always gets what he wants, one way or another.
We are back in my living room. K is talking to me.
'What is he saying Kuma?'
He's asking who that boy was that I rode home with…
'What boy?'
Oh yes, I remember now, the creepy stalker kid that somehow knew where I lived without me telling him.
'What's that Kuma? You think I'd better not tell K that part?' He hasn't had to protect me from crazy fans for a while since no one knows I'm back in Japan yet, so he'd probably get over-excited.
'You're such a smart bunny. What would I do without you?'
Neither of us want to think about the answer to that question so we turn our attention back to the tall American. He has stopped talking now and is waiting impatiently for a response.
"I got to ride on a motorcycle K! It went VROOOOOM!" I stretch out my arms like an airplane and jet off to my bedroom to find my crayons.
K hesitates for a moment, then follows me up the stairs. By the time he enters my bedroom I have already run out of space on the sheet of paper I was drawing on, so I am busily continuing on across the floor.
"The noise was this big K! It hurt my ears! Kuma didn't mind so much because he was hiding in my helmet… K, you've just sat down over where I have to draw next na no da… look out, look out or you'll be attacked by sound!" I drag my crayon towards his leg threateningly. Getting no reaction from this I then trace a line up to his hip to show I mean business.
He grabs my wrist when I get to the top of his leg, so suddenly I drop my crayon. His other hand cups my chin and tilts my head up so I can't avoid his eyes.
"Don't play games with me Ryuichi. I want you to promise me that you will never accept a ride from a stranger like that ever again."
I hate the silence that has descended on the room like a thick blanket of fog. Now there is nothing to block the sound of my own thoughts, whispering that I am nothing, and will always be alone.
"Alright K I promise…Never ever…As Kuma is my witness." I tack on more fragments to my vow just to fill the void that is slipping into me as the seconds tick by.
"Good boy. It would kill me if anything happened to you."
He has still not released his grip on my face. Now he is pulling me closer and brushing my lips with a breath of a kiss.
But it is too late. I can't feel it. I am nothing again.
K must be kissing me harder this time as his grip tightens around me. I feel myself fading away to leave my body for K to enjoy. At least then someone will be happy.
'C'mon Kumagoro. Let's go play hide and seek in the forest!'
I am pressed to the floor and become lost in the scent of evergreens.