"Rabbits don't eat pocky, silly. It gives them indigestion."

"Oh really? Then how do you explain the fact that half the pack is missing now and I just bought it this morning!"

"You must have eaten it yourself, subconsciously. Pocky really is good enough to hypnotize like that."

"Au contrer Ryu-chan. I savour every single bite of my strawberry pocky. I could -never- eat some without noticing."

I bask in the warm glow our friendly friction creates. Why can't life be this shiny all the time?

I push that thought aside impatiently.

"Ryuichi, Seguchi-san wants to see you in his office." K is behind me, as impassive as a shadow. Of course he is emotionless. He is paid to stay with me, after all. It's his business to look after me, but at the end of the day it is his wife and his son that he loves. I know this.

A ring of cool metal presses against my temple.

"Ryuichi, darling, you know how Tohma gets when he is kept waiting. Let's not be late, alright?"

I feel a thrill of fear, even though I know K would never, ever shoot me. I am afraid because every time he does this, for the briefest of moments, I wish he would.

xxx

Inside Tohma's office Kuma and I make ourselves at home.

"Ryuichi, this isn't a very comfortable position for us to hold a conversation in."

"Tohma-chan, what makes you say that? Kuma wants to know how heavy the conversation is. If we're going to have to hold it for a long time… we might need some help!"

As usual, Tohma gazes at me with such intensity I know he must understand what I'm trying to say, even if it sounds like nonsense.

Also as usual, he pretends to ignore the significance and closes his eyes in a smile.

"This won't take long. In fact, how about we go over and sit on the couch to relax?"

Tohma's head disappears from my view as he straightens and pushes himself up from his desk. I watch his feet make their way to the couch for a moment before I crawl out from my hiding place under the desk with Kuma in tow.

Sitting beside him now, I can't help but remember the last time we sat together here, just like this…

"Ryuichi, how are you feeling, being back in Japan?" The man beside me breaks my thoughts with his gentle words.

"Tohma…" My voice falters. I gaze down at Kuma-chan, take a deep breath, and try again.

"We're doing just fine Tohma! Kuma and I made friends with all the guys from Bad Luck, espically Shuichi! He's really fun to sing with! And we missed… we missed all the great food! You know Kuma and his carrot sushi. He gets pretty grumpy if he goes too long without it."

As I say this my gaze is fixed on a spot in the middle of Tohma's forehead. 'Please don't let him notice I can't look him in the eyes…'

He doesn't notice. Or at least, he would rather not deal with what he fears might be the truth, and so we continue in our pantomime.

"I'm very glad to hear that. Then, you wouldn't mind starting up Nittle Grasper once more? Watching Bad Luck perform has made me nostalgic."

'So that was why he called me here. And to think I thought… I had hoped he had asked me back because he had changed his mind. I had wished desperately that my absence had stirred even a fraction of the longing I had for him, in my soul mate's heart. But he still doesn't love me. Even now! Now, when his precious Eiri has fallen for another man… am I really that homely? That you would rather chase after an impossible dream and be lonely forever, rather than accept the reality that I love you more than life, and be with me?'

Flashback

I gaze into your aquamarine eyes. For the first time in my life, I've stopped hiding. I feel like I've been split down the middle and the child inside, naked, trusting and fragile, is shivering defenseless in the open.

I have told you how I feel.

We haven't moved our positions on the couch, so why does it feel like you are running away?

"Ryuichi, you know I'm marrying Mika. I -love- Mika."

"Don't lie to me Tohma! I've seen the way you look at Eiri. You never look at his sister that way! What makes him so special? Why can't you love me the way you love him?"

"I do care about you Ryuichi, and you are mistaken about my feelings for Eiri-san. All I want is to see him smile again."

Your eyes are closed. Your voice slides over me smoothly but relentlessly. I feel like I'm being run over by a train.

"Open your eyes and tell me again that you don't love Eiri Uesugi."

You open your eyes in shock at the severity of my tone. That has thrown the train off the tracks.

"Ryuichi, would you really want me to lie to you and pretend that I love you in the way that you want me to? Would you truly be satisfied, knowing I was only saying it because I care about you so much and want you to be happy?"

I am confused. This is not the way it is supposed to happen! I have always gotten everything I ever wanted… as soon as I realized a desire, all I had to do was reach for it and it would be handed to me right away. Why now, when there is something I would give up everything else to have, is it staying stubbornly out of my grasp?

"But, Tohma… why?"

You are saying I am your best friend, your coworker, your inspiration as a musician even. You are explaining the different types of love, and how one is not any stronger or more special than the others, only different. I remember this now only with a struggle. At the time I didn't hear a word of it, so filled was my mind with the word 'pretend'.

End flashback

We are on opposite ends of the couch now. You are the one that has asked the question, leaving you open and vulnerable, and I am the one that is forced to pretend.

"For sure Tohma! Singing in Nittle Grasper again will be fun!"

I tackle my new band mate in a hug that throws us both off the couch, then run out the door so he can't see my face. This game of pretend exhausts me.

xxx

I should have known I could never change his mind. Who could ever fall in love with a thirty year old child like me? I could never compare to the broken beauty that Eiri exudes. I wasn't good enough then, and nothing has changed. 'You'll never have him' a voice whispers in my head. Why do I have to be so boring?

I am curled up hugging my knees, alone in my apartment once again.

I thought I could never hurt as much as I did that first night Tohma betrayed me.

I was wrong.

I was just beginning to trust him again, to think that maybe, someday, the wound would finally heal.

Now that I am reopened, I realize I had forgotten just how painful it was in the beginning.

This… this is better than the blackness. I can feel the pain alive within me, fighting to break free.

'I'll help you out.'

Kuma wasn't with me that first night when I was rejected by the only one I will ever love; when I stumbled home, broken and bewildered. "I needed to get it out Kuma-chan. It was ripping apart my heart, and tearing up my insides. You understand, don't you?" I question the bunny at my feet.

The room is full of blue twilight. The usual bright pink of my Kumagoro appears now in this darkness to be a faded grey.

The moments pass. The pain intensifies. Kuma remains silent.

"I'm sorry Kuma-chan" I whisper, barely able to force the words out through the lump of twisting knives inside that has grown so large it chokes my throat.

Moving on autopilot, I find myself standing before my bedside table. I open the drawer. Kumagoro is shoved in, and slowly, slowly, my hand is drawn back out.

K has already gone through my apartment to make sure there is nothing at all sharp that I could use when I first moved in, but luckily I was able to sneak this out of the tool kit before he took it away, and so far he hasn't noticed it is missing.

The exact-o knife in my hand makes a quiet clicking noise as I raise the blade. It reminds me of the ticking of that clock on my doctor's desk.

I stare at the blade, cold silver in the moonlight. I hesitate.

'Nobody loves you. If they did, why would they let you be here all alone? Nobody cares enough to try to stop you.'

The pain throbs inside of me, begging to be released.

I place the blade on my chest, directly over the hurt, and drag it down to my stomach.

It feels like tiny prickles of fire are smoldering in the trail I just created down my chest.

I raise the knife and create another burning mark beside the first, then another, and another.

A low moan escapes my throat and my sweating palms cause me to loose my grip. With one last angry gash I let the knife clatter to the floor. My arms are shaking and I am gasping for breath, but I lie still in bed, finally at peace. The ache that was killing me inside has leaked out with the pinpricks of blood that are now budding along my front. I smile at the feeling of warmth created by the burning on my chest, and am slowly lulled to sleep by fiery waves of pain.