"Gone"
2. 'Evanescence'
"Lie to me,
Convince me that I've been sick forever
And all of this will make sense when I get better.
But I know the difference between myself
And my refection,
I just can't help but to wonder,
Which of us, do you love?"
Evanescence 'Breathe no more'
To fade into nothing. Simply put, evanescence means to fade into nothing.
Ken tossed the book aside and felt his knee begin to twitch again. He needed a distraction while he waited for Jo to get back to them on his blood test.
They had all gone to see Izzy after school and informed the older genius about Ken's problem. Ken felt ashamed and embarrassed about this, for what reason, he wasn't really sure, but was thankful that Izzy did not look at him like he was crazy, but instead did what Yolei had suggested and gone to see Jo.
Jo agreed to check Ken out, but said the best he could do was a blood test to check for any foreign bodies in Ken's bloodstream.
They were waiting in the passageway of the hospital while Jo was testing Ken's blood. He had a huge urge to be anywhere but at a hospital right now, but it was the only place where Jo could take a sample of Ken's blood.
Now they were all sitting in the passageway, with books on various subjects. Ken had picked up a thick book on psychology but quickly put it down again. He opted for a magazine and flipped through it, not really looking at the stories, but just giving himself something to do.
Suddenly a large picture had caught his eye and he flipped the pages back to land on the page. It was of a girl who was ghostly white and transparent. On the page next to it he saw the title for a piece of Fiction. It read 'Evanescence' in bold type. Having nothing else to do, he decided to read the short story. It was well written and sad, about a girl who simply did not fit into to life for many reasons. She was different because she was shy and smart and even though she was beautiful, she felt like she was nothing. Until one day when her thoughts became so powerful that she really did fade to nothing and was never know how much she was missed by a young man who had been fascinated with her, but too shy him self to talk to her.
That was how Ken felt. He felt like he was neither here nor there and that he was, as the story had said, fading in to nothing.
With a sickening lurch, Ken's head began to throb and he tried to squeeze his eyes shut against the horrible pain. He felt his friends surround him and put hands on his shoulders or back to see if he was all right, but he wasn't and when he looked up again he was in an office. A dark wooden desk was in front of him, highly polished with gold trinkets of penholders or paperweights on it, along with files and books. Dully, he turned his head to the side and saw the tall black man who had been standing over him again. He was wearing a suit now and was talking to someone. He turned further to his side and noticed his parents sitting next to him in chairs like the one he was in. They didn't seem to notice that he was there and so he listened to what the doctor was telling them.
"As you know, Ken has an undifferentiated type of schizophrenia. The problem was that Ken's delusions ran so deep we were unsure that we could get him out." He explained.
Mr. Ichijouji frowned, "We already know this doctor. What we want to know is…is the medication working?"
The doctor sighed, "We were unhopeful to ever help your son, Mr. Ichijouji. As you know, his delusions have many layers."
"The Digital world." Mr. Ichijouji stated.
The doctor nodded, "But, I'm afraid that's just one of the many intricate layers of his delusion. He's created a world complete with monsters, both good and evil, friends that he calls the Digidestined and not to mention his own battle with his dark side when he believed he was the Digimon Emperor."
"But I was!" Ken heard himself burst out.
Everyone turned to him and blinked. His mother rushed to him and put her arm around him, "Oh sweetie."
"Ken," the doctor explained, "We are trying to help you. You have to let go of this fantasy of yours so you can get well."
"I'm not crazy!" he protested loudly, "I'm not! The Digital world is real! Wormmon is real!"
"Wormmon is his partner right?" Ken heard his mother ask, looking at the doctor who nodded.
"The one who sacrificed his life to save Ken, but didn't really die. He was as Ken said, 'reconfigured'."
Ken frowned deeply at the doctor. He didn't understand, he didn't know. He had never been to the Digital world, but surely everyone knew about it now, after the fight with Malomyotismon?
"He lives in a world where even if he looses someone he loves, in the case of Wormmon, he will not be gone forever, but will come back. In his world, the creatures don't really die. It is what makes that reality of his more appealing."
Mrs. Ichijouji sniffed and nodded, "When we nearly lost Osamu, Ken was never the same and then we knew something was wrong. But why now, why has he suddenly woken up from this?"
"Well," the doctor began, "he hasn't really woken up. He slips in and out of his world and reality. It shows us that the medication is having a response on him, which gives us a new hope that we might be able to cure him as much as possible and he might even have a semi-normal life. But it's up to Ken whether he wants to live in this reality or his own world."
Ken's features softened, "I can choose?"
"Ken sweetie," he's mother soothed, "you want to get better don't you? You want to live with us don't you?"
"But I do! I…this is not real! None of this is real!"
Ken burst from his mother's arms and ran out the office down the passage, his bare feet making slapping noises on the tiles, the clinical smell of ammonia burning his nostrils and throat.
He slowed down and stopped by a window. He pressed his hand on the glass and looked out at the world. It was so familiar but so foreign at the same time.
He turned when he felt the presence of someone watching him.
He felt his mouth fall open.
"Hello Ken. What are you doing out of your room? Do mama and papa know you're here?"
Ken stared at his older brother standing in front of him. He felt himself begin to shake and stepped backwards.
"You're not real."
"Kenny-boy, come on. It's me. It's Osamu." He said desperately and held out his hand towards Ken but he stepped back again.
"No! You're not real; you're just my imagination! You're not real!" he yelled and fell to the floor clutching his head.
He heard Osamu sigh and then other footsteps, which stopped close to him. He heard his mother sob and his father growl in frustration.
Then he heard the doctor say, "Yolei! Do you think you could help Ken back to his room for us?"
Ken's head snapped up and he saw a tall girl with long blond hair walk closer to them nodding her head. She had large round glasses and looked exactly like Yolei, save for the blond hair. He also noticed that she was wearing a white uniform.
She smiled kindly at him and helped Ken to his feet. Amazed at her face, he stared at her and followed, hearing faintly behind him, "Lets go back to my office where Osamu can join us in our conversation."
Feeling strange again, Ken staggered in Yolei's grip and shut his eyes. Again when he opened them, he was back with his friends in the hospital passage, waiting for Jo's results.
"No!" he moaned.
Yolei was kneeling in front of him looking up concerned, "Ken? Are you okay? Are you with us now?"
He nodded faintly and heard Davis let out a long breath, "Man, you had us really worried, you were out of it for a long time."
"What happened Ken?" Kari asked him as she sat back down.
Ken stared at the tiles, "They said I-that I have…" but he couldn't bring himself to say it. Somehow, that would make it real and he wasn't ready to face that yet. What scared him most is that he understood what they were saying. What the doctor had told his parents and what was worse, is that it made sense. But which world was real and which world was not?
Looking up slowly, he stared at Yolei as if just seeing her for the first time. She blinked and glanced around before looking back at him.
"Ken?" she inquired quietly and he jumped slightly, "What is it?"
His brow furrowed. "You were there."
"What?"
"You were there…in the hospital. But you were different somehow. You had blond hair and wore a uniform."
"I was in your hallucination?"
Ken growled in frustration and ran his hands through his hair, gripped it and stared at the floor again; "This doesn't make any sense! Why would you be there?"
"Uh, guys…"
They turned to see Jo and Izzy standing in the passage. Jo still had his hand on the door handle when they all turned to face the two.
"Do you have the results?" Davis asked quickly.
They nodded and motioned for everyone to come into the lab.
"We have some bad news Ken." Jo stated looking meaningfully at Ken.
Ken's heart sank and he bowed his head as he sat down, "Well, lets hear it."
"We found something in your blood, but we can't decipher what it is. We've done a lot of tests on it, but all the results are inconclusive."
Jo handed Ken the test results and sighed, "I wish we could have helped Ken."
Ken flipped through the file of results and skimmed over them.
"But this is good news right?" Cody asked, "It means that whatever that is in Ken's blood is making him see things?"
TK nodded his head; "You're right Cody." He turned to Izzy, "Isn't he?"
However before Izzy could answer, Ken slammed down the folder and stood up, "It means nothing! For all I know, whatever that is in my blood could very well be the medication they are pumping in me to stop my schizophrenia!"
The group looked at Ken with wide eyes, shocked at the sudden out burst.
Jo shook his head, "But Ken, I would have been able to pick that up, wouldn't I? I would be able to see the medication. This was like nothing I've seen before."
Ken felt far from convinced. He shook his head and stormed to the door, "You just don't understand!"
He marched down the passage when he felt a firm grip on his wrist. He spun round to see Davis glowering at him, "What's your deal Ken?"
"What's my deal? Are you kidding? I'm LOOSING MY GODDAMN MIND!" Ken roared.
"No, you're not! This is just an illusion those digimon put on you to punish you. Which by the way, you should have told us about earlier, instead of trying to push the only friends that you have away."
His voice became softer; "We're trying to help you Ken."
Ken sighed and shook his head again, "Davis, you don't understand. You weren't there. You didn't hear what I heard. I honestly don't know which world is real and which one is all in my head. If this world is my imagination, it makes sense that Jo wouldn't be able to figure out what that is in my blood because I don't know and I don't really want to know. I'm so confused right now! I just-I just need some time and space to figure this all out."
Davis frowned again, "Ken, you-"
"Please Davis."
Davis stepped back from Ken and nodded, "Okay. But if you need anything, you can call anytime. Promise you'll call if you need our help?"
Ken nodded wordlessly and turned again to walk out the hospital and to the train station to go home. Home, wherever that really was.
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Ken opened the front door of his apartment and stepped inside. He removed his shoes and slipped on his slippers before shutting the door behind him. He could smell dinner on the air as he walked into the kitchen. His mother had her back to him and was busy chopping string beans. He had the sudden urge to hug her but decided against it and turned to go to his room.
"Ken, honey, you're home. I didn't hear you come in."
He spun round to face his mother. He nodded.
"How was school?" she asked as she tossed the chopped beans into the pot of hot water on the stove.
He shrugged, "It was okay."
She looked closely at him, "Are you feeling all right Ken? You look awfully pale."
"I'm fine mama. Just tired I guess." He lied and made to turn back to his room.
"Okay. Well, dinner is in fifteen minutes." And she turned her attention back to preparing dinner.
Ken wandered into his room and sat down at his desk. Wormmon scuttled over to his feet and looked up. Ken scooped him up in his arms and held him to his chest.
"Ken?" he asked concerned, "What happened?"
"I think I'm sick Wormmon. I think I'm really, really sick."
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(AN)
Okay, the garbage about the 'undifferentiated type of schizophrenia' came from Buffy the Vampire Slayer 'Normal Again' just like the inspiration for this story. I researched schizophrenia again, (I think it's fascinating) and realized that it is possible for this to happen. Though it might be a little extreme, in this case but hey, it's a fanfiction and that's the point.
I know this chapter ended on a bit of a low note, but that's because I was saving the intense stuff for the next two chapters.
A good point was brought about by a reviewer who said, "There is no greater torture than having doubts on reality."
Which is something I find both very scary and fascinating. That's why I'm writing a play based on this idea. I've often wondered if the life we are living is real, or if we are dreaming or we are living another life somewhere else.
Anyway let me know what you think. Until next time…