Disclimer: We own nothing...blah, blah, blah!
Valinor was in trouble. Valinor was in turmoil.
An emergency meeting of the Valar was in full swing. What this meant was that the more important Valar were gathering from the four corners of the world while the lesser Valar were ignored.
Yavanna left the trees and plants and Ulmo bubbled his way out of the ocean especially for this event. The Ring of Doom was opened, and the air conditioning turned on high because Tulkas got over heated easily.
Manwe was playing with a pair of plastic binoculars in the corner, muttering things like "Oo, look at the eagles! Oo, look at the butterfly! Oo, look, Elvis is alive!"
"What exactly are we here for, darling?" Varda complained "You know I make it a point to avoid all meetings that don't involve arguing, sardines and green lipstick.
"Oo, look, here comes Nienna." Manwe said, glaring through the binoculars "Oo, I wonder if she can tell us what's going on, because I'm completely clueless."
"That probably describes your usual state of mind." Varda snapped, as Manwe muttered "Oo, look, a shiny ring! Oo, look, a blue-eyed hobbit! Oo, look, nasty Nazgul! Bad, bad Nazgul!"
Aulë and Yavanna stormed in next with a whole herd of deer and elks tramping in after them. Aulë waved a glowing hot poker around singed off some of Varda's hair and branded a deer with a large "A."
As Yavanna trailed by, a string of pumpkins and gourds sprang out of the marble floor. Ulmo took this moment to bubble in and he tripped over a banana gourd. He splashed all over the room, soaking the women's gowns and extinguishing Aulë's poker.
Nienna began to cry over her ruined gown and the tears clucked to the floor like big drops of ice. Manwe called out, "Oo! Look, a Brittany Spears concert! Opps I did it again, I played with your …OW!"
"Pay attention darling!" Varda snarled, she patted her singed hair into place and glared at Aulë.
Tulkas abruptly bounded into the room. Distant screeches were heard in the distance, as well as cries of "Let's burn him at the stake!" Everyone stared at the smirking Valar.
"I didn't do anything, really." he protested.
"Right." Aulë sneered "The last time you didn't do anything, the whole of Valinor was ready to grab their photocopiers and-"
"Oo, look!" Manwe said "It's Mandos!"
At the very moment Nienna was whimpering something about "teaching people the way of sorrows" and Ulmo was splashing about trying to find a dry seat, Tulkas was on the point of strangling Aulë, and Manwe said something like "Oo, don't do that Boromir! Oo, you really don't want to-noooooo!" the Dark Valar stood in the doorway.
"Ahem." he coughed politely. Silence fell over the room. Tulkas sniggered irreverently, choking it off in a strangled wheeze at a single glance from Mandos. Vairë stood demurely by his side, embroidered robes delicately trailing the floor.
"Welcome." Manwe said nervously "We were all wondering if you would make it. You see, actually, none of us are sure why"
"Why you are here." Mandos sighed heavily "I get that question all the time. Fëanor still persists in following me around, demanding to know "Why am I here? Why do I have to stay in this cruddy halls?"
"And" he continued "It is really because of Feanor's deeds, that we are all here." He turned, and called out, in ringing tones "Bring in the elves!"
The call was taken up by other voices "Bring in the elves! Bring in the elves! Bring in the elves!"
"Oo, look!" Manwe chortled happily "Elves!"
Four elves were brought into the center arena of the Ring of Doom. Each was escorted by two heavily armed guards.
The first was a very tall, red-haired elf garbed in ornate, royal garb. He looked angry enough to spit ink, but simply stood there, fuming. Tulkas leaned over, and whispered to Yavanna
"Is that smoke coming out of his nostrils? That's really cool. I wonder how he does it."
"Shh!" Yavanna whispered furiously "Look at the next one! Oh, it's him again!"
She pointed to the second elf. He was not quite as tall as the first, and much, much skinnier. He had the same fiery hair, but his was tied back in a biker's ponytail, and he did not look quite as impressive.
"Oo, look!" Manwe said "A pretty elf!"
The next elf was the tallest of those yet arrived. His red hair was a shining sheet of copper waves spilling over his broad shoulders, and his deep blue eyes were quite aware of his smashing good looks. He looked bored, but more annoyed than angry. An involuntary sigh came from all the females present.
All eyes were fastened on the door, as the last elf shuffled in. Red-haired as all the rest, he was extremely pale, and dressed completely in black. His shoulders were bowed, and he clutched his handless right arm to his chest. A tear ran down his face.
"Oh." Nienna said compassionately, and stepped towards him "Do you know the ways of sorrow?"
The elf regarded with a mournful gaze for a few minutes, before replying, in deep tones "Doom. Despair. Death."
Nienna began to cry, snuffling out between sobs "See? Look at the poor dear!"
Mandos sniffed scornfully and said, "That was just a trifle bit rehearsed for me."
Nienna cast him a dagger filled glance before drawing way to her chair. Silence rained as they all stared at the four red haired elves.
"We are gathered here today.." Mandos began.
"For a wedding?" Yavanna asked, she clapped her hands together happily and a pineapple dropped into her lap.
"No! Not a wedding, because we have four of the same elf and we have to discover who the real is!" Mandos thundered. His voice echoed around the earth, volcanoes erupted, tidal waves drown thousands and the Grand Canyon was formed.
"Oh." Yavanna whispered and Tulkas patted her shoulder comfortingly. Aulë said, "But I don't understand."
"That's such a surprise." Varda drawled. Aulë threw his poker and it embedded itself in her chair. Mandos glared around the room and silence fell again.
"Now we will hear from each elf in turn to see if any of them have a greater claim." Mandos looked at the elves and pointed to the ornately dressed elf. "You go first."
"Well, I am Nelyafinwë, and I should be the heir of Fëanor because I am … better dressed then the rest of them!" He said casting a scornful eye on the other three. Tulkas sniggered and snorted behind his hand.
Yavanna turned to the one with a biker's ponytail and said kindly, "And you? What is your claim?"
"I am Russandol and I should be the heir because I have Mahtan's red hair. And I'm really good with children, I would be a great older brother."
"As if that was important." Aulë sighed, he nodded to the handsome elf who smiled back causing all the women to faint.
"I am Maitimo, and I should be the heir because I'm the prettiest." He said this with perfect confidence and poise. Everyone looked at each other impressed.
"But do you know the ways of sorrow?" Nienna asked. Maitimo shook his head and said,
"No. I don't."
The black clad elf sighed heavily and intoned, "You'll know…someday."
"And who are you?" Vairë asked in a bored tone. She was inching to return to her loom. Manwe was snoring slightly in her ear and a deer was eating the tassel of her gown.
"I am Maedhros, the heir and eldest son of Fëanor. Woe is me!" he wailed and buried his face in his one remaining hand.
Nienna burst into wild sobs. The deer spooked and ran out of the room, Tulkas looked up from picking his large red nose, and Varda jabbed Manwe in the side to wake him up.
"Oo, look!" he cried "Four elves that look exactly alike!"
Maedhros, still crying, sobbed out "No, they have their hand! Oh woe my missing limb!"
"I don't give a hang about your missing limb!" Maitimo said rudely "What I want to know is, how did you go about losing it for the rest of us!"
Maedhros sobbed harder.
"What's going on?" Russandol whined "All I wanted was a motorcycle for my birthday."
"You don't need a motorcycle!" Nelyafinwë said, smacking him upside the head "What you need is self-confidence!"
"Quiet!" Mandos bellowed.
Maedhros, Nelyafinwë, Maitimo, and Russandol shut up, though Russandol looked sulky, and Maedhros continued to cry.
"Now." Mandos said "We are here to CAREFULLY consider these elves claims to being the right heir of Fëanor. Now, does anyone have any last thoughts before we make our decision?"
Nienna said sadly "They must know the way of sorrow." She patted Maedhros on the head. He was crying on her shoulder.
"Well." Aulë said thoughtfully "They do need to have self-confidence." Nelyafinwë looked smug.
"But." Varda whispered demurely "They do need to be…quite handsome. To carry on the tradition of the family." She batted her starry eyes at a startled Maitimo.
"I like Russandol." Tulkas said, slapping Russandol on the back "He likes kids, and kids are sooper-kewl."
"Oo, look!" Manwe said "Beanbags!"
Everyone looked at him. In his turn, Manwe first looked right, then left, then to the ground. Hurriedly, he threw a Legolas poster in the other direction. It kept everyone distracted, until Mandos spoke up, again.
"We shall now engage in non-verbal communication."
Five Hours Later
"Do you have any two's?" Nelyafinwë asked.
Russandol stuck his tongue out and said, "Go fish!"
"When are they going to be done?" Maitimo said, he looked at the Valar who were staring Hard at each other. The four would be heirs were sitting on the ground each holding a few playing cards in their hands….or in some cases, hand.
"I have it!" Ulmo, who had been silent up till now spoke up. They snapped out of their reverie and asked, "What?"
"Why don't we make them all into one?" Ulmo suggested in a slushy voice. Suddenly he clutched the arms of his chair and said, "I'm melting ! I'm slipping through the cracks of this stupid chair! Quick get an aquarium!"
The call went down the halls, "Get an aquarium! Get an aquarium! Get an aquarium!"
"Oo look! Manwe giggled, "An aquarium!"
After Ulmo poured himself into the glass box the Valar turned to each other.
"Sounds like a good idea to me." Tulkas said. Aulë nodded and Yavanna sparkled flowers over everyone as she waved her consent. Nienna hiccupped and said, "As long as he knows the ways of …
"Sorrow!" Everyone replied. Varda said, "I think that would be lovely. Mandos, wake up!"
"Oo look!" Manwe said, "They're crying!"
"I don't want to learn the ways of sorrow!" Russandol sobbed. Maedhros wailed on his shoulder and Maitimo lamented his cover up as it ran with his tears. Nelyafinwë looked at the other three and began to cry for no reason at all.
"Better move quickly before they notice." Mandos said. All the Valar pointed at the four and a brilliant white light shot from them all. The four were engulfed in the light and there was a "poof."
"Oo look!" Manwe said, "It's a …"
"Baby!" They all cried.
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Maedhros jerked awake, cold sweat running back his back. He gasped for air and threw off the heavy blanket covering him. He yanked his right hand in front of his face and looked at it, it was still there.
"Maedhros? Are you alright?" Maglor's sleeping voice came from his side of the room.
"I'm fine…I just had a nightmare." Maedhros answered. "Just a dream…"
But in the air around him Maedhros heard,
"Oo Look! A dreaming elf!"