Title: Reasons
Pairing: SouKazu
Fandom: Soukyuu no Fafner
Theme: #16 invincible; unrivaled
Disclaimer: Don't own any of it. Why else would I be writing fanfics?
Notes/Warnings: Spoilers for up to...episode 17 maybe? Maybe only up to ep 11 or so. Either way, suppose to take place sometime after episode 17. The one thing in quotations is an actual quote from the subs from episode 1. Both first person and second person (Soushi talking to Kazuki). Big thank you to bloodstain5 for beta-ing.
Reasons
You asked me once which is more important: you pilots or Fafner.
I answered Fafner.
I know you didn't understand back then. After all, wasn't that why you left the island, to see the world and try to understand my reasoning?
I still don't know if you understand or not now.
Could you ever understand how hard it was for me, making you use Fafner in the first place and then after that, continue using it over and over again in increasingly dangerous situations?
But it was the only way.
That first day I was back, the island was directly attacked by Festum for the first time. Before then, we had always been able to launch Fafner and destroy the enemies before they even reached the island, never having to let the shield down.
That day, we not only lost our Fafner pilot, but the enemy was stronger than usual. If Fafner wasn't launched as soon as possible, the entire island would have been destroyed. And you along with it.
And so I had to ask myself: do I let you die for sure by allowing the island to be destroyed, or do I make you pilot in a dangerous situation where you could still die, but at least have some chance of saving all of us, you included?
When put that way, it's not much of a choice at all, is it?
Why did it have to be Kazuki to pilot it though, someone might ask.
I told you back then, didn't I? "Only you can do it now."
You were the only one physically ready and able to pilot Fafner for the first time at a moment's notice. That first time, you were able to pilot it not only without a Synergetic Suit, but also able to win without being injured. None of the others could have done that, without first having weeks of practice at least. Your instinctual skill was unrivaled.
But I knew it wasn't invincible.
No, there was no one else but you, Kazuki. As much as it pained me to do that to you, I had to send you out into the fray, or we would all be lost. And I knew that that was something you would never forgive me for if I let it happen.
After that, the island was attacked more and more frequently. The others were training hard, but you were still the best, and the only one we could truly rely on. The only one I could truly rely on. Without you out there as well, I didn't feel safe, even as the others continued to improve.
And now that you had begun, you couldn't just stop. You had already been sucked in too far to escape, and it wasn't up to either of us anymore. After that first time of piloting Fafner, you were no longer able to back out, and I still feel guilty even now for not being able to give you more of a choice back then.
Can you ever forgive me, Kazuki?
Or, can you at least try to understand?
Without Fafner, the island is without a doubt lost, and every single person on it will die. I love this place more than life itself, everything about it. It is my home and the things I love the most are all on it. You are on it.
The pilots are necessary to use Fafner. But they are much more easily replaceable than the machines they control. There are dozens more children able to pilot.
If a pilot dies, we have lost one person. If we lose the Fafner, we have lost our protection, and many more than one will die.
In my mind, your question translated to: which is more important, one or many?
And if you had to choose between something like that, as you forced me to, what would you be able to say?
I am sorry for doing these things to you, my love, the first and only one I have ever kissed and the one I always want to be able to come back to. Sometimes I feel like you should hate me for what I've done to you, but I know you would never be capable of something like that. You're too good of a person for such a petty emotion.
I love you Kazuki, and that is why I sent you into danger.