Back 2 Back

by Mr. Semaj

Luanne writes in her diary of a bizarre weekend she had with her aunt Peggy.

2. Chapter 2

King of The Hill

A Peggy & Luanne Episode: "Back 2 Back"

Act II

Part I: Peggy Calls for Help

(Peggy pacing the room panickingly)

Peggy: (hypervenalating) "Oh God! Oohh God! What are we going to do? What are we going to do?" (stops)

(Peggy reaches for the glue tube again, sees manufacturing address)

Peggy: "I know! We will call them, and they will get us out of this jam!"

Luanne: "Can't we just call Unca Hank?"

Peggy: "Hank must NOT know about this. Luanne, I made a promise to your uncle that I would not get into any trouble this weekend, and by God, I'm a wife who's true to her word!"

(Peggy pulls out phone book, starts flipping pages)

(Peggy reaches modeling listings, fingers thru, and points to the reliable source)

(Peggy reaches for the telephone, and dials the number)

Lady: (on the phone) "Apex Discovery Hotline."

Peggy: "Yes, this is Peggy Hill, and I am calling in concern for your modeling products."

Lady: "How may I help you?"

Peggy: "Listen, we had a little gluing accident just as we were beginning to put together one of you dinosaur models, and now we need help!"

Lady: "Hmmm...can you describe exactly what happened?"

Luanne: (screaming) "I'M GLUED TO AUNT PEGGY'S BACK!"

Lady: "Mmm. Mm-hmm...well, that's too bad. I'm sorry ladies, but we have NO adhesive antidote in stock." (looks at a whole shelf of antidote, complete with a sign saying 'Apex Discovery is not responsible for any accidents involving modeling products')

"It should be available at your nearest hardware store, craft shop, or your local discount store."

Thank you for calling Discovery Plus Hotline. Remember, you get a 10 discount on all purchases if you're a member of the Apex Discovery Educational Models Club. You'll be charged $1.99 for the first minute of this call, and 99 cents for each additional minute. Have a nice day."

Peggy: "But -- " (phone hangs up)

Luanne: "Now what are we gonna do?"

(One hour later, Peggy closes the phone book)

Peggy: "Well, I've called up all of the craft shops, discount stores, and hardware outlets, even those in MacManurberry. Surprisingly, there is an incredibly low stockage of adhesive antidote this time of year in this part of Texas."

Luanne: "Even Mega-lo Mart?"

Peggy: "Low prices, but low reliability."

Part II: Peggy Runs Errands (I)

(Another hour later, after cleaning up the living room, Peggy gets her purse and her car keys)

Luanne: "But Aunt Peggy, we can't go outside looking like THIS! People will think we're freaks!"

Peggy: "Peggy Hill will go on with her life. Besides, you are the master of absense in this town. If you keep quiet, it will almost be like another episode where we completely ignore you for no apparent reason!" (Luanne looks confused) "Now come on! It's time to go! Andale!"

Luanne: (remembers that she's not wearing socks or shoes) "But Aunt Peggy --" (yelps)

(Peggy heads to the car thru the back door)

(Peggy drives the car thru Arlen, with Luanne squished uncomfortably behind her.)

Part III: Science Museum

(Peggy is marveling at a dinosaur exhibit)

Peggy: "Would you look at that, Luanne?"

Museum professor: "Excuse me?"

Peggy: (yells, quickly turns around)

"Oh, hi." (chuckles nervously)

Museum professor: "That's a mighty impressive beast, isn't it?"

Peggy: "I agree. I believe this is the stegosaurus."

Museum professor: "Ah, so you're into dinosuars, too. What's your name?"

Peggy: "Peggy Hill. And if it were up to me, that would be called the Peg-osaurus." (chuckling)

But seriously, I am actually a Biology teacher at Tom Landry Middle School. Besides, I joined the Apex Discovery Educational Models Club since my last visit here."

Museum Professor: "Uh-huh..."(nods head in interest)

Peggy: "In MY opinion, dinosaurs were created by God ..."

(As Peggy continues speaking, the professor notices something behind Peggy's back. He sees Luanne's head creeping over Peggy's shoulder)

(The professor raises an eyebrow; Luanne creeps back down halfway, revelaing an innocent look in her eyes.)

Peggy: "...but I guess there was no stopping the rivaling mammals from the raging apostles." (giggles)

Museum professor: (clears throat) "Oh, look at the time." (leads Peggy to the exit) "Sorry we can't continue this engaging conversation, but thanks again for attending the Hemlich County Science Museum."

Peggy: "Um, okay. So we will be discussing this later, then?"

Museum professor: "Yes...MUCH later." (spins his finger around his ear when Peggy turns her back; Luanne looks dejected)

Part IV: Jack's Barbershop (I)

(Luanne is cutting a customer's hair, while Peggy looks into the mirror.)

(Peggy peeks at the back of the customer's head. She then turns around)

Luanne: (gasps) "Aunt Peggy! What are you doing!"

Peggy: "I was just observing your job, and I have decided that you are not cutting this man's hair as well as you should be." (grabs Luanne's shears)

Luanne: "But --"

Peggy: "Uh-uh-uh! Trust me, Luanne, I know what I'm doing."

(Luanne sighs resignedly as Peggy proceeds to cut the customer's hair)

Part V: Peggy and Luanne Go to Bed

(That night, Peggy and Luanne sleep on the couch. It was a full moon. Peggy removed her shoes near the couch, and placed her glasses on the coffee table. Luanne placed her hair bow on the coffee table.)

(Peggy faced outward on the couch, while Luanne faced inward. Peggy had her pillow and blanket all to herself, and the chilly air made Luanne cold.)

(Peggy snoring)

Luanne: "Aunt Peggy? Aunt Peggy?"

(Peggy continues snoring)

Luanne: "Aunt Peggy, could you gimme some of your blanket? It's cold back here."

(Peggy continues snoring)

(Luanne bundles her arms together, shivering; cringes at Peggy's loud snoring)

(as Peggy continues snoring, the crickets are chirping outside on that calm, summery night)

Part VI: Peggy Runs Errands (II)

(The next day, a Saturday, Peggy sets off to do more errands. She was feeling a little more downbeat than the previous day)

Peggy: "Well, I'm off to the store. Hopefully, I can have someone else to talk to besides the wart on my back!"

Luanne: "Aunt Peggy, can I just grab my shoes first?" (wiggles toes) "My toes are feeling a bit insecure."

Peggy: "Well, YOU should have thought of that BEFORE you got us stuck together. It's not fun when your own mistakes come back to haunt you, huh!"

(Peggy walks towards the car)

(Peggy drives in her car with Luanne squished behind her again)

Peggy: "Luanne, please stop wiggling around! I cannot drive while you are squirming like a worm!"

Luanne: (muffled) "Buh Uhn Pergy, Uh Cund Breeve Buhk Herh!"

Peggy: "Yeah, yeah. We will stop for some ice cream on our way to your freaking job!"

(Peggy continues driving)

Part VII: Mega-Lo Mart

(Minh and Nancy are talking to each other from a distance)

Peggy: "Uh-oh, it's Nancy and Minh." (whispers) "Just let me do all the talking. Maybe they will not notice you."

Minh: (calling) "Hey, Peggy Hillbilly! Over here!" (Nancy turns around)

(Peggy walks over)

Nancy: "Hey, Sug."

Peggy: (calm) "Hello, Nancy, hello Minh. It's nice to see you girls."

Nancy: "Indeed." (swipes hair) "So what's up, Sug?"

Peggy: "Well, I've officially started my vacation this weekend. I got a whole summer ahead to prepare for entrance into the Biology profession next year."

Minh: "Ah, Biology! One of Connie's best subjects."

Peggy: "Yes, your daughter is one of our best students.

But enough about me, let's talk about you!"

Nancy: (looks into her pocket mirror) "Well, sug, things couldn't be better at Channel 84. Right now, we're preparing for the annual Taste of Arlen next weekend. I'm going to have a booth next to Sugarfoot's!" (Nancy giggles excitedly; puts away mirror) "This is Nancy Hicks Gribble. Back to you, Peg!"

Peggy: "Oh, well, um...(chuckles nervously) How about you, Minh?"

Minh: "Oh, same as usual. My Kahn got a payraise at work the other day!

I also work more on my garden. There's a special type of Laotian flower that I'm cultivating for upcoming contest at Arlen Botanical Gardens."

Peggy: "Mm-hmm..."

Minh: "By the way, Peggy, are we still on for Boggle game at your house tomorrow?"

Peggy: (nervously) "Uh, sure...you better watch out. Peggy Hill, Professional Boggle Champ, will give you no less than 113!" (clutches fist half-heartedly) "Ho yeah!"

(Minh and Nancy shifts their eyes toward each other smugly)

Peggy: (still nervous) "Well girls, I must be going. (walks past them, quickly turning around) I just need to see if they have my kind of deodorant; Discreet Unscented."

Nancy: "Later, Sug!"

Minh: "Chao!"

(walks over to the other side of the shelf, and begins counting cosmestic kits instead of deodorant)

(a passer-by notices Luanne suspended on Peggy's back)

(Minh and Nancy look on)

Minh: "Poor Peggy Hillbilly. She so distracted, she don't know she got blond girl stuck on her back."

Nancy: "Kinda makes you feel sorry for them, don't it, Sug?"

Minh: "Peggy such a pompous windbag. I feel more sorry for blond girl."

Nancy: "Same here, Sug."

(both giggle to themselves)

Part VIII: Jack's Barbershop (II)

(Later that afternoon, Peggy and Luanne approach the front entrance of Jack's Barbershop)

Peggy: "That was the best lunch I've had in a while."

Luanne: "But I wanted ketchup on my fries. And I wanted fruit salad, not fries!"

Peggy: "And I wanted relish on my hot dog, but you do not see ME complaining about it, huh?"

(Connie happens along on her bicycle)

Connie: "Hey, Luanne. What up?"

Luanne: "Well, not much..."

Connie: (notices Luanne's problem) "Yikes! What happened to you?"

Luanne: (twiddling her fingers) "We had a little accident yesterday."

Connie: "Gee, that sucks."

"So, um...are we still on for this weekend?"

Luanne: "I don't know, Connie. I'm in kind of a pickle here."

Peggy: (yelling) "Luanne! Talk time with your friend is over!"

Connie: "Well, I better be going. Have fun at work, and good luck..."

(whispering) "You'll need it."

(Connie rides off, as Peggy and Luanne enter the barbershop)

(Luanne is cutting a customer's hair)

(Peggy looks thru the mirror. She turns around; Luanne drobs comb)

Peggy: "Once again, you fail to cut hair professionally. That's where I come in." (grabs Luanne's shears, and begins cutting hair)

(Luanne growls, then turns back. Peggy drops shears)

Luanne: "Back off, Aunt Peggy! This is MY job!"

Peggy: (gasps) "How dare you! Nobody speaks to Peggy Hill in that manner and gets away with it!" (turns back, continues cutting)

Luanne: (turns back) "I can cut hair! I'm NOT stupid!"

Peggy: (turns back) "Escuche mi, young lady, but I have been cutting hair longer than you have!"

Luanne: "You've only cut Bobby's hair all these years! I've cut millions of people's hair!" (turns back)

Peggy: (turns back) "Well it's never too late to do something right." (Luanne growls)

(Peggy and Luanne struggling)

Peggy:(struggling) "If you would just let me show you..."

Luanne: (straining) "I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!"

(big chunks of hair fall to the ground during the fight; the customer frets)

(Luanne turns back to the front and clings tightly to the chair. Peggy struggles, then gives up. Both of their hair were ruined during the scuffle)

Luanne: Okay, sir. You're all done. (hands him the mirror)

(Customer screams; his hair is completely botched)

Customer: (crying) "What have you done to my beautiful hair! IT'S RUINED!"

Peggy: "I told her she should have done it MY way."

Customer: (points to Luanne) "YOU are going to pay for this! For that, NO TIP!"

(customer walking out the barbershop wailing)

(Jack standing by the exit with arms crossed)

Jack: (walks over to Luanne) "Luanne, we need to talk..."

"Listen, you're a great hairstylist, in fact, the best I've ever had...

Which is why I want YOU..." (points at Luanne),

"...not THAT." (points at Peggy in the mirror)

Peggy: "What the hell are YOU staring at!"

Jack: "I gave you a shot yesterday, but until you get your...family matters under control, you're suspended." (walks off)

(Luanne and Peggy glare at each other, then ignore each other)

(end of Act II)