Chapter Twelve

When Raoul stepped inside the walls of Goldenlake he thought he would cry in relief. The trip had been Hell on earth. First he had slogged his way through feet of snow atop the bad tempered Peachblossom, then every time he bought a horse he had to put it on a lead rein and keep it with him as he made the circuit to nearby fiefs. The whole excursion had taken three weeks. At least in that time the people of Goldenlake had managed to at least partially rebuild the stable. They had new horses, and the horses had somewhere to stay, and now he wanted nothing more than a hot bath and Kel.

Raoul found a servant and bid them to draw a bath for him and Raoul continued on his way to his rooms. When he got there they were empty. Oh well, Raoul thought. He'd have to find Kel later. When his bath was ready he sunk into the tub, his cold skin thawing out for the first time in days.

Invigorated by his bath Raoul set out to find Kel. She wasn't in the great hall or the kitchen, so Raoul wandered the castle, hoping to spot her. When he heard Kel's voice drifting down the corridor he hurried in her direction, but slid to a sudden halt when Dom answered her. Hiding just around the corner Raoul listened.

"You can't fight it, you know."

"Yes, I can." She said stubbornly.

"No," There was a muffled gasp and a brief silence. "You can't."

"Dom, please stop it." Her voice was shaky.

Raoul slid to the ground, holding his head in his hands. He didn't believe what he was hearing- couldn't believe it. "It's a misunderstanding." He told himself over and over again. If he repeated it to himself enough times then maybe it would be true. "A misunderstanding. A misunderstanding."

"He isn't right for you, he never was. Remember what he did to you that one night? All those bruises? He raped you, Kel."

"No. He didn't mean to."

"He did. He was punishing you for kissing me."

"You kissed me."

"But you enjoyed it. Didn't you like being treated like a woman for once instead of a whore?"

"He doesn't..."

Raoul couldn't stand it anymore. He ran away, first to the cellar to get a bottle of brandy and then to his room. Hands shaking in rage he poured himself a glass and fired it down. How dare he touch her, how dare he say those things to her.

He's right, you know, part of Raoul's mind told him. You don't always treat Kel the way you should. She was standing there, defending him from Dom's flying accusations even though they had the bite of truth. Raoul poured himself another glass, but instead of drinking it he stared into the dark liquid. Getting drunk wouldn't help. It might make the pain go away temporarily, but later it would come back along with a massive hangover. Besides, who's to say what he would do to Dom, or even Kel, if he were intoxicated.

Raoul slammed the glass down on the table, spilling it. He didn't notice. Instead he paced back and forth across his room, trying to figure out what to do. Kel obviously preferred being with Dom and there was nothing he could do about that. He should never have left, but it had been unavoidable. The new horses had to come from somewhere. Raoul wished he could hurt Dom, but that would make Kel hate him even more.

Slowing to a halt Raoul swore that he would treat Kel better than before. He wouldn't hurt her, wouldn't accuse her. He would be the perfect husband, better than Dom, and she would come back on her own. That was the only way he could think of to get her back. Anything else he came up with would only drive her away.

With that resolved he downed the rest of the half empty glass and returned the brandy to the cellar. When he got back to his room Kel was there. His heart squeezed painfully in his chest, but he struggled to act like nothing had happened, like he knew nothing.

"Hi, Kel," He sat beside her on the edge of the bed, giving her a hug and a kiss.

"You're back!" She seemed genuinely happy to see him and threw her arms around his neck, hugging him tight. "I missed you."

Raoul stroked her back, feeling her familiar weight in his arms. "I missed you too." He kissed her again, gently, tenderly, while his hands massaged her back, kneading out the knots and tension. She relaxed against him, sighing in contentment. Had Dom held her like this? Had Dom tasted her lips and touched her body? Raoul struggled to chase the thoughts from his head. It didn't matter now, all that mattered was Kel, and winning her back. He shouldn't have left her alone for so long in the first place, this whole situation was partially his fault and he could hardly blame Kel for being lonely.

"You got the horses?" She finally asked.

"Yes. And nothing is going to pry me out of here again until I'm good and ready. How did you hold up?"

"Fine." Kel shrugged. "Your mother made sure I had plenty to do. Oh, did Peachblossom behave for you?"

"Just barely." Raoul smiled ruefully. "I am never riding that monster again."

Kel chuckled. "Did you find yourself a new warhorse?"

Raoul shook his head. "No. I'll probably buy one from Cavall in the spring." He nuzzled Kel. Enough talk, he thought. He kissed her slowly, thoroughly, lowering her onto her back. Moving away from her mouth Raoul trailed kisses down her throat to her collarbone, where he nosed at her shirt.

"No," Kel pulled away and Raoul sat back in surprise. "I mean, um, not today."

"Oh," Raoul said, squashing his misgivings. "Sorry. Are you all right?"

Kel nodded. "Yes, I just... not now."

"Is there anything you want to tell me?" Raoul asked quietly, frowning in concern. It wasn't like her to flat out refuse, without even an explanation.

"No." She said softly, face yamani smooth.

Raoul was positive she was lying, but he didn't press her. Instead he got up, found a book and lounged in a chair, pretending to read. He heard Kel rustling around behind him and he knew she was preparing for bed. It was getting late and he hadn't had supper yet. Raoul left without a word and ate his late meal in the kitchen.

When he returned Kel was asleep. He slipped into bed beside her, putting his arm around her, hand resting on her belly. It suddenly occurred to him that she might be having her monthly bleeding. He counted up the weeks that they had been together and realized that she hadn't had one yet, so it was about time for it. No wonder she hadn't wanted to explain. Wait. He counted the weeks again. They had been together for longer than a month, surely? Maybe she was pregnant, which would also explain her peculiar mood. She always wore an anti-pregnancy charm, but occasionally they would fail to work.

Should he ask her about it? Raoul decided against it. If he were wrong he didn't want her to think he wanted children. He did, of course, but he could wait until she wanted to as well.

With that settled Raoul closed his eyes and went to sleep.

Raoul awoke the next morning to find Kel, already dressed, poking the fire to life. He got up, wincing as his bare feet his the cold floor, and hugged Kel from behind. "Up already?"

"I couldn't sleep."

"Why not?"

She shrugged unhelpfully and pulled away, turning to give Raoul a quick, impersonal peck. "I'm getting breakfast."

"Wait, I'll come with you."

"It's all right," She said, "The room's just heating up. Stay here, I'll just bring something back for us." Kel left before Raoul could protest.

She returned quickly and they ate quietly, sharing occasional words about the stable and what had passed since Raoul left. When Raoul tried to kiss Kel she brushed him off, saying she had to return the dishes to the kitchen.

After she left Raoul sat dejectedly on his bed, then halfheartedly started to straighten the sheets. Then, curious to see if he could find out any clues about Kel he tugged away the covers, studying the sheets. There were no traces of blood. Flicking the blankets back over the bed Raoul leaned back against the pillows. Was she pregnant? He knew women could get crazy when they were, even in the early stages. He would just have to start paying more attention in the future.

Kel returned, and peeling off her boots joined Raoul in bed. He took her hand, lacing their fingers together and kissing the back of her hand.

"Raoul, I..."

He turned to look at her.

"Nothing. Never mind."

"What?"

"It wasn't important." She rolled onto her side, drawing close to Raoul. He wrapped his arms around her, kissing her forehead. She would tell him what was on her mind eventually.